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Gisela #2780800 03/06/18 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: Gisela
I am too weak to stop doing what is definitely not working.


Gisela,

You need to give up the idea that you have any control in any of this. These guys are leaving for lots of different reasons. Many of which might not have any thing to do with you.

Let him go. Grieve. Make yoir life great without him. Eventually you will realize hes just not a committed person. Thats the only control you do have.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Gisela #2780820 03/06/18 03:23 PM
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Gisela, there are different schools of thought about whether or not you should have hope. My sense is that there is still hope. Your husband may need more time to see your changes. Today he might be determined to divorce but in a few weeks he might think twice. Before my husband left he did so many things that bothered me but now those things were like nothing....everything is relative. What you're going through right now is probably the hardest thing anyone can endure psychologically short of extreme physical hardships. Perhaps you can focus less on the looming divorce and more on having pleasant moments / dialogue with your husband as benchmarks of progress. Your husband is probably going through as much inner turmoil as you are. Each time you and he are able to connect in a new, more positive way is like scoring another point....even if the divorce happens you can still work on improving the relationship. You'll always be a family since you have kids. Since you're still together in the same house there is still a little bit of stability and there is still hope in my opinion, even though you have to be realistic like your husband says.

Gisela #2780865 03/07/18 03:45 AM
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G,

You are holding on to your husband so tight, he can't breath, let him breath, let him go! I'm not saying give up hope on your M, or stop standing from your M. I'm saying get out of the way and let time and your on work and progress do what it needs to do. That's what's going to give you the best chance of getting your H back. You can have all the R talk you want right now, it's only going to push him further away. You are applying a lot of pressure, take the pressure off of him and allow him to see what life is like without you, a strong and confident G.

I will give you analogies.

The first is a parent/child relationship.

After 18 years of raising a child most parents, tend to want their freedom, so they finds ways to help their children leave the nest. The child tends to hold on tight to their parents help and support. The parent want space and the child is afraid of space. But when the moment comes and the child feels the freedom and realize they can make it by themselves, they stop relying on their parents and move forward with life. The parents usually start to miss being relied on and supporting their child. The parent starts to seek out their child attention and the child starts move further away from needing parents no longer. This only happens when the child MOVE FORWARD, not is the child stays. Which one are you right now?
Give your Husband something to miss.

The second:

To make a cake, you need butter, flour, eggs, milk a bowl, spoon or blender. Now you can eat and use all these tools and ingredients alone, but to get the cake you have to use them all together. To get to the cake there's a process. First you have to make a mess (BD), you have to break eggs, open flour, and then stir, mix and blend these ingredients together. Now you can eat the mix at this point, but it won't taste that good, but it can be eaten, but, it's ugly and a pile of mix (This is us at this point, the LBS). The next step is to take this mix, that came from a mess (our sitch) and put it in the oven/the heat/the fire. Now in that fire all kinds of reactions happen, all kind of molecules moving fast as possible, banging into each other, but after a while, those molecules start to slow down, and something amazing start to happen, a cake is formed. A beautiful tasty cake. Now here's my point after that long analogy. For the mix to become a cake, it has to go thru the fire, the mix, can't go around, beneath, over the fire, the mix has to go thru the fire.

Guess what G, you are in the FIRE now, you are going THRU the fire, you have all kind of emotions going on, but you will settle down and become a beautiful and tasty cake. Trust the process of DB, it will take time, and help you THRU the process (the fire), and thru the process is your progress. I know it's painful, but your healing is on the other end (out the oven).

Realize, I never mentioned your H in the process. This is your journey and your process, to get to your healing. You have to work on yourself, so you can heal. You want the best chance to get your H back. Work on yourself and you will give yourself that best chance. (I used you and your a lot in the paragraph above)

Love bends
Love is unconditional and has no expectations

Onward and Foward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Gisela #2780868 03/07/18 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted By: Gisela
Even if I fear your critics now, I want to be honest. I was so frustrated today due to the entire sitch that I couldn't help weeping and telling my H how deeply desperate I feel and begging to reconcile. For the first time, he didn't react rejectingly or cynically but listened carefully. Still, he insisted that he is firmly determined to separate and to divorce and recommended me to accept reality.

What will I do now? I will go back to LRT and validating. Am I insane that I'm still not able to get rid of my hope? I mean he is so clear and I am too weak to stop doing what is definitely not working.


How did you feel afterward? Better or worse? Will you remember that feeling the next time you get the urge to discuss and beg?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2780881 03/07/18 05:13 AM
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I am overwhelmed by so many so precious feedback. I love you all. Gisela

Gisela #2782054 03/18/18 09:16 AM
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I concentrated on staying calm, not begging for reconciliation, non-reactive, GAL, friendly, lovingly and so on. Husband relaxed. At the same time, holiday planning urgently needs to be fixed. Husband repeatedly asked how we want to divide the travel time with the kids. He is firm in not wanting to travel with me. I do not understand this. He has moved out of the MBR. Apart from that we share everything together with the kids. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, weekend activities, just as a normal family. We have even just planned a two nights weekend outside our home for easter. Why then is he so firm that he doesn't want to travel with me. I am panicking travelling with the kids without him. I will miss him so much. The kids will miss him. I am panicking being forced to stay at home while he will travel with the kids. I will feel so desperate, so miserable. I want to beg him that we still travel together, at least once this year. You see, I am struggling with detaching and all this if he moves on with separation like now wanting to travel separately. So far I managed to delay my answer to him how we could divide holiday/travel time. I have no plan what and how to answer. Should I simply agree? Maybe it is what he needs. Should I tell him that it is not understandable for the kids? I feel so lost.

Gisela #2782055 03/18/18 09:35 AM
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I do not not how to manage this. If he insists on separate holidays I am sure I can't help but begging for reconciliation. Then we will have an argument, he will be cynical, I will tell how desperate I feel. At the end, he will insist that he wants divorce and I will have to start with LRT from scratch. If I agree with separate holidays I will feel like if I had agreed to separation and divorce. I will lose hope, will feel desperate for days and weeks. I do not know how to handle this topic with him. I neither want to beg for reconciliation nor do I want to agree to separate holidays.

Gisela #2782056 03/18/18 09:46 AM
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Arghh, you know the way he says that our relationship is completely broken. I cannot stand the way he says that. It is so cynical, he smiles. He sounds as if he speaks about a broken plate ... not so important. No regret. As if he want to hurt me by saying this. I think if he was detached he would be more human in dealing the situation. The situation is hopeless also for him. He would have to move out. He would have to build a new life. He would have to disappoint the children. He would have to do without half of the time with the children. He would have to do things completely contrary to his convictions and values. He is not pulled out of our marriage by somebody else. He feels pushed out because of our conflicts. Now he is so cynical. I sometimes think that this must be a point where we could re-connect. Separation and divorce will hurt both of us. For him it is the better of two very bad options, staying and leaving. My hope is based on that he might think that leaving is even worse than staying. But if I agree too simply and too fast in separate holidays, he will only feel that separation might work somehow. It is such a dilemma.

Gisela #2782057 03/18/18 09:50 AM
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I feel that keeping some distance from him is very helpful because we all can relax and be more friendly to each other. On the other hand, I feel that too much of detaching and LRT facilitates his plans to separate. I sometimes think I need a kind of modified LRT. How to detach, GAL and LRT and clearly demonstrate that I do not agree with separation. Such a dilemma.

Gisela #2782058 03/18/18 10:05 AM
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You know what I wonder. He knows that I am not emotionally detached. He Knows how much I suffer from his plan to separate. Why does he behave like a totally unempathetic person (he is not), why does he torture me by the way he speaks to me about separation? Normally, we talk to each other friendly. Actually, I did so many 180s that we get along with each other quite better than in the past even if he seems to intentionally ignore this. When it then comes to a separation issue he all of a sudden turns to be cynical. WHY, WHY, WHY? Sometimes I think it is also despair and doubts on his side which makes him so cynical with regard to separation.

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