Joejoe1, my 180? All our problems result from one and only issue, the pursuer (me) and distancer (him) pattern. We escalated this to a tremendous extent, a lot of hurting each other over years. So not pursuing him according to the LRT is definitely the most important 180. Let me think about what to say else. I feel a little bit lost at the moment.
I have to disagree. There are more problems than pursuer and distancer. What's the reason behind him distancing himself.
Think back on all the things he says he don't like. Think back on all the faces he makes when he doesn't like when you say or do certain things. What about his body language?
Also you didn't answer my question about his LL. What are your husband LL? You have to know these things. You have to learn your husband and the problems in your M, to help improve them. You have to do a self reflection on yourself and the M, to move forward to heal yourself and the M.
Get a notebook and write these things down to help you arrange your thoughts, then put them in here, the more details you give here the better advise you will get from the vets.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
here's the list with 10 issues he is blaming me for.
1. I use him as a free resource to implement my projects (for example some new installation in the house). I approach him like I would have him at my disposal. 2. I am not open about my goals. Instead I use a salami technique doing small steps to reach my goals. This makes him feel manipulated. 3. He hates the way I give him feedback. However soft I do so, he feels criticized and disrespected. For example, he likes cooking, but he is not very experienced and ignores any advice. In case he spoils a meal and I politely tell him what he could have done better, we end up arguing. 4. I do not prioritize problems. However small the problem, I switch on the emergency mode and expect him to do so, too. If the water tap drips, I behave as if the basement would be overflooded. So I should better not use the word problem when communicating with him. 5. I expect him to fulfill a gentleman role that he neither wants to nor is able to fulfill. I have too many and large expectations regarding gifts, attention, caresses, compliments, romantic events. He thinks that such expectations don't fit to a relationship where both are on a par. 6. On the other hand, I do not really care about his needs. 7. I am too emotional, too impulsive, too aggressive, too anxious, too furious, simply too much and that distresses him. 8. In particular, in case we are arguing I am too disrespectful, abusive, aggressive. 9. I want to have every issue clarified at once and immediately. I cannot bear and defer open issues and open conflicts. I stress him out by purpose in order to reach my goals. 10. I want to control everybody and everything, especially him.
I have alread worked on a lot of issues and improved things. But it isn't enough. And he ignores my improvements. He says there had been too many negative moments and he remembers all the negative feelings he experienced if similar moments happen today, irrespective of my actual behavior.
By the way, my colleagues would describe me as mentally stable, rational, patient, even-tempered, cheerful, pleasant company. But I must admit, that my H is not totally wrong. You know there were some setbacks in our life (miscarriage to name one)where I really, really missed so sadly him truly caring for me. That made me pursuing him which made him distancing. And then escalation started.
I slept on your response. I want you to read the problems your H say he has, not from a perspective of it being you, but from the perspective of it being a person outside of your M.
From my perspective that's a lot of pressure on any person, Man or Woman. If I was your H, I would feel like I could not satisfy you. I would feel you are too needy and too demanding as well.
Keep in mind this is your H perspective, you might not be doing all these things, but this is what your H has perceived. If you want a chance to save you M. 180, 180, 180. Learn to control your temper and start taking pressure off of your H.
You have a lot of things I know you can 180. 180s are about being consistent and allowing time to do it's thing. If you were doing all that and you change for a day or week, you H will find that suspicious. You have been treating him a certain way for so long, that he probably feels like you can't/won't change. He probably feels, if you are changing, that they won't be sustain, so consistency and time.
To comment about your colleagues opinions on how they see you, we operate totally different with friends, family and colleagues, then we do with our spouses. Just because they say they see you a certain don't mean that's how you act with your H. Are they with you at night when it is just you and your H? I doubt it. You are working on yourself and your M, not the R with your colleagues.
If he loves cooking, why not trying just enjoying the meal he has made for you. Don't give him advice unless he ask. If he ask how it taste, once in a while you can say, "babe it's perfect". Let him have that win. One day he might just start asking you, "how can I make it better".
Love bends!!!! Onward and Forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks for your feedback, Joejoe1. I have to agree to every detail you said. I was too needy and demanding. I've changed a lot, probably not yet enough. My H says things like: "You've done xyz for too long, I don't believe you anymore." Even if it was too late now, I have to be consistent and patient as you say.
On the one hand, the LRT makes a lot of sense, in order to effectively stop or slow down the separation process and in order to break the pursuer-distancer pattern. On the other hand, implementing the other 180s is vital as well. That isn't totally contradictory, but in some cases. On the one hand, I should restrict communication to the absolutely necessary. On the other hand, I should listen carefully and be patient if he wants to tell about his job issues. I am not yet sure how to deal with such issues.
After some setbacks, I am quite successively following the LRT now for 2 weeks, constantly. If we have contact I am friendly and listen. In addition, I am reading the Solo Partner for a few days, quite impressed how this books describes our MR. I guess as a result of my friendly detaching, the mood between my H and me is very relaxed, even friendly. This morning then, one of our Ds dropped his phone by accident, screen broken, and nobody wants to admit. My H was a little bit nervous all day long because nobody wants to admit it, he even suspects me. When I said sth. not in line with his opinion he shortly reacted aggressively. This evening he went out for a walk before going to bed (which he sometimes does, recommended by his doctor, bc. of his bad sleep). When he returned he was furious and blamed me that I would like to force him in to the MR. Normally he is never very controlled, never hot-tempered. So I was quite shocked, as he attacked me and demanded to continue the mediation of the marriage/separation contract and to planning separate holidays with the children. I am very proud of myself that I stayed very, very calm and constructive and proposed a date for a meeting with the mediator and a rough plan for the holiday. I said just a few sentences and went to bed then. Still, I am quite puzzled what made him so furious. According to the book Solo Partner, if the pursuing partner backs off, the distance partner might get into "ugly phases". What is going on with my H? I am not puzzled because he wants to continue the mediation. I am puzzled because out of a suddend after his short walk he returned so hot-tempered and emotional which is the contrary of his normal personality. And then this accusing that I want to force him into the MR - a reaction to my changed behavior being calm and detached? I am so puzzled that I cannot sleep.
We agreed on separate holidays, but we won't tell the children about the true reason. That is all so weird. Do you know the book "when the one you love wants to leave"? The strong recommendation is to not hide the separation. The WAS has to fully feel the consequences of separation. But what to do if you have decided to stay together as parents under one roof for the benefit of the children? At least for the time being. And yes, both of us agree that it is beneficial for the children as long as we do not start fighting. I am afraid that the LRT cannot be as effective with such compromises and that we alienate slowly but sureley and that I have to watch how my H gets prepared for a new life with a new wife. My H has my perfect appreciation as a father and friend. I feel so much attracted to him physically, emotionally, romantically. In a relationship however, he is such a distancer it made me furious in the past. I would know how to handle that differently today.
I do not feel in the position to give some advice to others. But I can tell you that for the first time I stayed cool, calm and controlled instead of forcing my H into an R talk. It feels so good not to be dominated by biological emotions any more. What made such development happen? Looking really deeeeeeep into LRT, 180, pursuer-distancer. So deep that you do not only understand these concepts as rational appeals, but that you start feeling the meaning. Still, I am not yet fully detached. I feel a lot of pain if I think of all the lost time I would rather enjoy with my H than dealing with the current sitch on the brink of divorce. But I think pain is ok as long as you don't panic but feel enough calm inside yourself at the same time.
Even if I fear your critics now, I want to be honest. I was so frustrated today due to the entire sitch that I couldn't help weeping and telling my H how deeply desperate I feel and begging to reconcile. For the first time, he didn't react rejectingly or cynically but listened carefully. Still, he insisted that he is firmly determined to separate and to divorce and recommended me to accept reality.
What will I do now? I will go back to LRT and validating. Am I insane that I'm still not able to get rid of my hope? I mean he is so clear and I am too weak to stop doing what is definitely not working.
