Husband gone for second time - 3

[NicoleR]

Friends, I apologize my laptop won't let me cut-and-paste the link to the previous thread. I'm not sure what's wrong. I hope it doesn't get deleted.

In any case, I've been married for eight years to a Middle Eastern man and we have a three year old daughter. My husband left two years ago for another woman and came back after eight weeks when the affair ended. We never truly fixed things and he left again in September and now wants a divorce. I found out this week he's already dating a woman 14 years younger than I (I'm 39).

There's not much else to say since I posted a few times tonight but I wanted to make sure to start this new thread.

[Subitai]

Previous thread : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773599#Post2773599

[Coconut]

Nicole,

It's a struggle to find that which makes you happy. In the first few months after I separated I mixed in some mundane DB (did stuff but didn't enjoy it) with a lot of nights alone drinking and angry. Not the best thing to do, but it's what I did. Took awhile to get my mind around being on my own, and it took a longer time for me to find things that I enjoyed doing and only happened after trying a lot of things and moving somewhere that I had always wanted to live.

But the fact is I eventually stopped feeling sorry for myself, I stopped yearning to have someone that didn't deserve me, and I found my happiness and started living. You will get there too, there are struggles, there are hard times, but you and your D will have an amazing family life, and NicoleR will get her groove back.

I read in one of your last posts in your previous thread that you stopped updating because you didn't want to keep saying the same thing (being upset about the sitch), but don't ever not post something because you think we don't want to hear it. Use this as your outlet, use us as your supporters to give you a shoulder to lean on. No one wants to see you sad and upset, but that doesn't mean we don't want you to tell us if that is where you are at.

You have gone through hell and back in the last two or so years, that's behind you, no more walking on egg shells, no more having someone around but being alone anyway. One step forward at a time and you will get where you want to, no deserve to, be.

[NicoleR]

Thanks Coconut. Looks like we've been married the same amount of time - nine-and-a-half years. There were still happy times in the last two years but not nearly as many as before in my case.

What I think would help would be to meet someone in real life like everyone here, who is going through a divorce and their spouse left them. That way we could help each other and at least call each other at night without disrupting their time with their spouse. I'll join a divorce support group when I move hopefully on April 1st. I already contacted them, but here in my current city there is just one group on Saturday nights and it's far away and too hard with my daughter at that time.

This week I haven't been able to sleep at night. I don't know how long that lasts, but it's really hard with only two or three hours of sleep each day.

It's like a nightmare that never ends!

[Holding]

Nicole, you might want to contact the divorce support group and ask them if there's anyone you can talk to now.

One of the divorce groups in my area had formed a bond after they finished their class, and the leader of the group put me in touch with them. It was really good to meet up with them and talk. TBH, a lot of them were getting their D's all finalized at the same time, and they were very positive about their lives at that point. It gave me some hope.

I'm sorry about your sleep problems. I had problems for the first few weeks after BD, but they cleared up after that. Have you tried any over the counter sleep aids?

[Coconut]

You need your sleep, personally I think that's the difference maker to start stabilizing. I was using advilPM to get sleep at first, my doctor told me to switch to either benedryl or Dramamine (but for the life of me I can't remember which), but he said the active ingredient for sleep was the same without the acetametophen, which is easier on the stomach... Talk to your dr if you need something regular, but maybe try Tylenol or Advil pm to get a couple of good nights sleep.

As for having someone to talk to right here, right now, that is hard. I like holdings idea of reaching out to the divorce support group in your area, see if they have activities. If you aren't able, look my screen name up on FB, I'm not up at all hours anymore, but if I am ill chat. You will make it through this, u will be happy. I had to leave my son, my dogs, and everything we had acquired during M behind, and I love my new life.

[Jim1234]

Nicole, one of the best pieces of advice I was given was "fake it 'till you make it." We were all pretty miserable at the same point you are now, and "faking it" will actually have the effect of making you feel better. It's not always easy, and yes, there are absolutely going to be times where you are still miserable, but by changing the face you present to the world does actually make you feel better.

I agree with the other posters... you definitely need sleep. If you are having trouble, get some help for that.

[NicoleR]

Holding, thanks, that's a good idea. I'll try asking the local divorce group if I can meet with someone for the next few weeks until I hopefully move.

Coconut, I did try Dramamine one night but was dizzy in the morning. I can't take much because I have something called chronic gastritis but the past two nights I did sleep. I was almost hallucinating two nights ago and finally fell asleep. The main challenge is my daughter is wide awake at 6:00 AM so I can't sleep in. The only option is to go to bed when she does to get a full night of sleep which means no personal time to do anything else!

Jim, thanks. I am trying to fake it when I go out with my daughter because this is not her fault and she needs to feel like she has a normal life. I took her to a festival yesterday and everything was fine until there was dancing and seeing all the happy couples was really hard. At home it's harder because it's just my daughter and all alone, all day every day. Just the complete loneliness and isolation makes it hard to fake anything but I'm trying to keep going. Normally we'd go out more, but I can't afford for us to get the flu because there's no one to help my daughter and I if we get sick.

My husband didn't do anything regarding the divorce this past week. He only came once for 10 minutes to say hi to our daughter. He called last night to say he's not coming because he's too tired. I know the truth is that he's out with his new girlfriend every night having the time of his life. On one hand I want to intervene and force him to see his daughter, but on the other hand if he's just going to act miserable with her and keep thinking of his girlfriend I'd rather him just not come.

I just hope we can move on April 1st as I've been planning. And I wish to survive the divorce process. I immediately feel panicked whenever I think about facing my husband trying to fight for financial support knowing he just wants us to disappear so he can live his fantasy life with his girlfriend.

AT the same time, I remember now how this progressed exactly the same way two years ago when my husband left the first time. He stopped spending time with our daughter, stopped talking to me, started acting angry and saying he's miserable with me. Everything is the same except now he wants a divorce, but when the affair ended he was sorry and started acting normal again. I just wish in six or twelve months when the initial excitement of this relationship wears off my husband will at least start to see his daughter again and not be so angry at me. I wish we could delay the divorce until he's in a more normal state of mind. This wreckless lunatic who goes and wastes $8,000 on a spontaneous week to Dubai with his girlfriend and forgets he has a beautiful three year old daughter is not the man I married. I know the divorce will be terrible if we have to do it right now, but if that's what he wants then there's no choice because I can't force him to stay.

[Jim1234]

Nicole, at about the point you're at now, I can remember going to training with some people I didn't know. During a break, the instructor was talking about his wife and asked if we were married. I had to excuse myself so I wouldn't just break down and bawl in front of them. It's painful and it hurts, but I promise, it does get better. Slowly, but it does. Some days will be worse than others, but in general, you will get better.

if he's just going to act miserable with her and keep thinking of his girlfriend I'd rather him just not come.

he can live his fantasy life with his girlfriend.

You can't force him to come spend time with his daughter, and after what he's said, I think she's better off without his visits.

You're right, though. He's living in a fantasy world. But in the real world, he owes you financial support. Something I have realized is that most men see support as something to give AFTER they've paid for all their fantasies, if there's anything left, but in reality, it should be their FIRST obligation. When you get to court, ask that his wages are garnished, so you are guaranteed support payments. This is the horrible part of divorce, but he chose to go down this path, and there are consequences in the real world.

And fantasies end. No one knows if it will play out like last time when he came back to you. But even if he did, would you really want him back the way he is? Please say "no". Even if you do save the marriage, I really hope you make him do the work he needs to do to deserve a woman as wonderful as you.

[PsySara]

I hope you are documenting all this time he is NOT there with his daughter. The judge is likely to award you full custody and the child support that reflects that. I am not sure what state you live in but alimony may be part of deal as well. Remember, this is your daughters money and right, don't let sentimental stuff get in the way of protecting her financially.