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Are you working with a lawyer?


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Not at the moment. Trying to do it without one but at this point I think Im going to get a mediator. I cant handle this crap

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I highly reccomend you gather a team of some sort before making any further decisions.
Emotions appear all over the place for you...as with most in this situation

I will be forever greatful for my L and others that I gathered for my team to aid me in making decisions outside of the emotional storms. He was a central figure in the outcomes that my family benefits from to this day...including my former W. Her emotional roller coaster and demands I weathered due to the counsel I recieved, would have produced very different circumstances today...and I would have given in to some of it if not for the guidance and encouragement I got.

Do not wait on this...
This is a consistent success principle among those that have traveled before you and I can attest to the value of doing so.

Sit still with yourself and make a list of goals and values that you want out of it all...then seek out the counsel that aligns with them. Much the way MWD advises in seeking out a MC


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 75
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I probably am. I am not going to get screwed over. The detachment piece seems to be incredibly difficult. He came into tonight to drop off D9 from dance and spent time with the others for an hour. I went to the bedroom. Today was long too many phone calls from WAH about his house purchase. He looked sad depleted but I looked away because I still get sucked into feeling sad. It is not that he does not deserve to feel sad or have valid grievances. It is that he is choosing to leave and his choice affects everyone. So in a sense I feel as if he does not have a right to feel sad because HE is the one choosing to leave.

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Winner...

What exactly are you doing to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?
You share much of what you perceive he is feeling, thinking, and deserving...

Running a mile is hard if you smoke a pack a day while sitting on the couch watching TV...

Put down the emotional cigarettes of defining his every action, thought, and feeling and get up off the couch and begin replacing this energy with actions that will benefit you.

Yes, this is a 2x4...

You must take action...
You must be aware of your thoughts and action

Mindfulness and meditation are powerful exercises that can produce prompt results...with consistent practice.

You have more control in all of this than you know at the moment.
You must choose to take it if you desire successful results.

“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” ~James Allen

(((((winner)))))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 75
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You are always spot on with your suggestions so thank you!!! I need to put down the emotional cigarettes and need to stop focusing on his stuff. It is difficult however and it takes a lot out of me.

When you say I need to take action what do you mean? What would you suggest?

I spoke to my DB coach Chuck today which was great today. My WAH is moving some stuff out of the house tomorrow to move to his new place. His suggestions where to either help him move or if I emotionally could not do it, then let him know that and just do other things.

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Originally Posted By: winner
spoke to my DB coach Chuck today which was great today. My WAH is moving some stuff out of the house tomorrow to move to his new place. His suggestions where to either help him move or if I emotionally could not do it, then let him know that and just do other things.


Chuck is stand up coach and helped me quite a bit in the early stages...I still have a couple off sessions I can use when the time is right. It is good to hear he is still around and helping so many through these difficult times.
Pay heed to all that he coaches you on.

Originally Posted By: winner
When you say I need to take action what do you mean?


Action is the very source of all success.
We can talk about how to do things and speak about how things should or should not be...
Without action, nothing changes.

DBing is about action...setting goals and then taking action.
We then review the actions and compare to the desired outcomes
If it is working we continue forward...if it is not we adjust and take action again.

MWD is an action oriented therapist and encourages that we seek out action oriented counselors and support, because drudging up the past to figure out all the reasons that we are "broken" or are in bad relationships does not create change...and IMHO, often times we create more monsters and demons analyzing the past because we don't truly remember it as it was...we attach meaning where there was none...
But that is conversation for another time.

You have spoken of your desire and need to detach...healthily I hope...but I have not heard what steps you are taking...

Originally Posted By: winner
What would you suggest?

What have you done to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?

I can suggest ideas as I learn what you have done so far. smile


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 75
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Always love your feedback!! Chuck has been so instrumental in my journey. In regards to action, I start doing ok with the actions such GAL and 180's but then i fall apart for a day. I then start to GAL and do 180s again. What is difficult and what causes me to remain stuck and undetached is when I watch him make more steps into the divorce.
For example, he is moving into his sisters house. This caused so many emotions in me and then I broke down for a day or two. I know that detachment is a process. In all honesty, I think I fear detachment because deep down it scares me to know that if I detach he is gone forever.

I am well aware, that this is not true and that I cannot control his behaviors nor his choices. But if I am being honest, this is what is probably causing me to remain stuck.
People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated. This is the honest truth.
I keep thinking about what my husband said last " I do not want a divorce but it is what I need." This kills me and I hate it

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sorry " this is what WE need"

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Originally Posted By: winner
In regards to action, I start doing ok with the actions such GAL and 180's but then i fall apart for a day. I then start to GAL and do 180s again.


Why do you GAL and 180?
What goals are you trying to accomplish with these actions?

In your answers to these questions, you will find strength...or that which is holding you back.

Ponder on that for a bit.

Many of us fall apart at times throughout this process...be accepting of this...and self forgiving when it happens.


Originally Posted By: winner
What is difficult and what causes me to remain stuck and undetached is when I watch him make more steps into the divorce. example, he is moving into his sisters house. This caused so many emotions in me and then I broke down for a day or two./quote]

Watching him proceed with the D is difficult...but it is not what causes you to remain stuck and un-detached.

To accept that as your reason for being stuck is the equivilent of the chain smoker saying that the cigarettes he smokes are the reason he does not get up and exercise so that he can improve his health.

Will there be hurt and pain?
Yes...
Will it hurt to take action to heal?
Yes...

You choose if you are to work towards progress...or lose another day due to his actions...pain accompanies both choices...but one will lend to healing and strength.

The other offers simply hurt and pain with no gain.


[quote=winner] I know that detachment is a process.

Yes it is...it is also a choice.

Much like good physical health is a process and a choice.

Originally Posted By: winner
In all honesty, I think I fear detachment because deep down it scares me to know that if I detach he is gone forever.


Fear is one of the biggest symptoms of codependency and very unhealthy attachment issues.

The irony in your statement here, is that your fear of detachment has nothing to do with whether he is gone forever or not...


Originally Posted By: winner
I am well aware, that this is not true and that I cannot control his behaviors nor his choices. But if I am being honest, this is what is probably causing me to remain stuck.


Remaining stuck is simply a choice...do you choose to get up and put in the work?
Or will you remain stuck and allow fear to convince you that his actions are causing you to stay stuck?


Originally Posted By: winner
People come to these forums to find support. I know for me this was the main reason as well as to hear success stories. The reconciliation stories are hopeful but are few and then sometimes I feel defeated. This is the honest truth. [/quote=winner]

So very true...we all came here for support and to see success stories.
Sadly, many leave here because there definition of support does not match the reality of what support is provided here.
They also leave because they do not find their "definition" of success stories here.

Either way, they leave and forfeit the support and success because they were attached to what they believed to be the only way forward.

I came here to find stories of LBS that were able to reconcile...and as you say, there are very few...but I disagree with you about the success stories.

This forum is full of them...there are amazing people that have stuck around here for years paying it forward because their stories have become stories of success.

I am grateful every day that folks here are quick to share the true principles and signs of success, and that I was able to recognize and embrace it...DB from MWD is prompt to point out in all of her guidance, that the steps we can follow create the best chance to reconcile, but even though the true chance of that happening is slim, we can find ourselves and become the much better version of ourselves that we can be.

This my dear winner is a cold, hard, wonderful and amazing truth in the thick of all that we each go through.

Are you willing to accept this?

Without acceptance of this truth...defeat is inevitable.

[quote=winner]
I keep thinking about what my husband said last " I do not want a divorce but it is what I need." This kills me and I hate it


Rumination is a very unhealthy habit for the emotional well being of a person. You need to take action for this as it will wear you out.


winner,

I know this feels very much like a barrage of 2X4's, that is not my intent, but I share this because the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
You know what they say about eating an elephant...

You asked what I suggest you start with...
Let's start with you reading the detachment thread that you received in Cadet's welcome post.

Detachment

Once you have read and studied it, share a plan of action that you will begin.

I would also recommend you seek out assistance in the form of an IC, coach or trusted friend to assist you. This will require that you have some guidance and accountability for your progress.

And my other recommendation is to look into meditation
This has been instrumental in my efforts to sort out the chaotic thoughts that can lead us down the tunnels of despair.
You can find a myriad of material and resources for this. Find what works for you...but make a goal to be consistent with it...consistency is key.

I can relate to the challenges that you share.
I can tell you, that with persistent, intentional action, you can, and will gain the strength needed to get to a place that you will forever be grateful for.

You owe it to yourself to do so.

(((((winner)))))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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