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A Message from Michele
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Re: Answering the Call [Re: Gordie] #2777565
02/02/18 07:30 AM
02/02/18 07:30 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
Also ask your lawyer if you can ask the company yet to make stbx pay costs if he’s the one being unreasonable and running up fees


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Answering the Call [Re: bttrfly] #2777571
02/02/18 07:49 AM
02/02/18 07:49 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
Should have read ask the court/judge to have stbx pay costs if he’s the one running the tab


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Answering the Call [Re: bttrfly] #2777704
02/04/18 06:59 AM
02/04/18 06:59 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,455
H
HaWho Offline OP
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HaWho  Offline OP
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H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,455
Thank you all so very much. So many unchartered waters for me. H took care of all these things while I was a SAHM. I am working on finding an accountant to help me.

Things are rough here. I think the reality is hitting s14. He holds it together when he's at h's and then falls apart here. It's been 1 week thus far and he is expressing much anger and sadness. It is good he's getting it out. Today he looks worn and tired from all the emotions though he slept well. In the early morning I heard him snoring which he never goes. I brought him breakfast in my bed and he is hunkered down there.

S12 seems fine and I think he is putting up a front 24/7. He did talk to his best friends about it as they went through a divorce so I am hoping he is processing there. But he parrots back things h has said about him: that's he's "tough" and can handle this on his own and doesn't need to talk it all out, etc.

Both boys will see a therapist. H approved it which shocked me. I suspect his lawyer told him to play ball. Most important to me is that they process this in a healthy way, that they learn healthy coping skills and that this is not the glitch that causes them to have their own MLC someday.

Yesterday h dropped off kids and needed something from the garage. H was always very strict about locking doors and closing the garage bay. I thought he'd been gone 10 minutes and I was setting something up w/S14 when I heard h call me from the garage/kitchen entrance. I went over and asked him why he was still here. I didn't do it in a nasty way but just in a curious way. He told me I needed to close the garage bay. I guess he was sitting there waiting for me to do it? Dunno.

I told him in a very calm way that he no longer has any say in these matters and he doesn't control what happens in my home. I couldn't see his face as he'd already turned to leave when I asked why he was still here. He just walked away.

Funny how he wants out but also wants all the control. He also told me that if I ever plan to move I needed his "consent and signature"? Not sure he realizes I am a female US citizen living IN the US in the year 2018.

It felt good to set that boundary. So much coming and going out of that garage way back when. I had no control. It's great not to hear that garage door anymore.

Just want me and my children to be on the other side of all this . . .


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Answering the Call [Re: HaWho] #2777715
02/04/18 09:39 AM
02/04/18 09:39 AM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 554
K
Kyh Offline
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Kyh  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 554
Hi HaWho,

I'm sorry to hear the boys are having a rough time but I'm glad S14 feels safe to let his feelings out w/you and that your H agreed to therapy. I'm not surprised though, it would look bad to fight it. Kudos on the boundaries, it feels great to be away from their madness.

Re: Answering the Call [Re: Kyh] #2777718
02/04/18 10:48 AM
02/04/18 10:48 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
yes sad for the boys, glad for the therapy xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: Answering the Call [Re: bttrfly] #2777720
02/04/18 12:23 PM
02/04/18 12:23 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,102
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 15,102
Well what he likely meant was that if you plan to move you and the boys out of state or far away he could fight you in court.

Re: Answering the Call [Re: kml] #2777721
02/04/18 12:33 PM
02/04/18 12:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,749
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 1,749
HaWho

Feeling sad for your boys. It’s good to see S14 sharing his feelings and nice that youngest has a friend he can talk with.


Oct 8/17 - BD
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
w/OM, Left Kids
Dec 9/17 - Legal Separation
Oct 3/18 - W Files
Apr 6/19 - Divorced
Current
Me52 XW48 S22 S21 S19 D17

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Answering the Call [Re: DnJ] #2777725
02/04/18 01:24 PM
02/04/18 01:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Wonka Offline
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Wonka  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
HaWho,

Here's some more help for you financially, and I think you'd be wise to use your leverage in negotiating a really fair settlement in your favor. Just a new minutes ago an article was released through MSN through Market Watch and the article's title is:

Under Trump’s tax law, you now have a year to avoid a nasty divorce

Of course, you would want to run it by your lawyer and get some solid advice.

I'm rooting for you, baby!!! smile

Re: Answering the Call [Re: Wonka] #2777749
02/05/18 12:37 AM
02/05/18 12:37 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
G
Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
Hawho,

I loved your response about the garage. It is part of their drama, wanting to control us even after they have dumped us. I don’t get it. Maybe it’s their own out of control feelings. Who knows.

Hugs to your boys. Boys that age are really tender—they can be stronger than we think, but also a lot more sensitive—and truly wounded—by all of this ****. It is good that s14 opens up to you. Give s12 time and space and he’ll probably open up at his own pace.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Answering the Call [Re: Gordie] #2777752
02/05/18 01:23 AM
02/05/18 01:23 AM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,741
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peacetoday Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,741
Ha Who

You will get to the other side

I don't think that H MLC will make the kids go into MLC

I think In my XH case it was not only his father abandonment but his mothers as well..he had no one
and no stability as a child- but interesting that neither of his sisters had MLC

Our kids have us and I'm hoping that will be enough to prevent a MLC in them
You are doing great-this will all pass
hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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