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A Message from Michele
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I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. #2776699
01/26/18 12:57 AM
01/26/18 12:57 AM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 4
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beatric Offline OP
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beatric  Offline OP
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Posts: 4
My fiancť and I have been together for a little over six years. About eight months ago his mother passed away due to ovarian cancer. It was very aggressive and by the time we found out it was pretty much too late to do anything.

After she passed we moved from Virginia back to his hometown In North Carolina. We moved back because his dad was taking it pretty hard as expected. Honestly we all just wanted to be together. It was a really tough time.

At his motherís funeral he reconnected with an ex girlfriend of his. I knew about her and they kind of grew up together. They remained good friends. I knew that. I didnít mind because she had always been very respectful to me whenever we saw her when we visited.

At first the three of us would hang out and do things together. Just to get out of the house because I knew he was getting depressed sitting around the all day with his dad.

Almost a month after his mom passed his dad had to be admitted to the hospital for a week because he had not been eating right and basically he was dehydrated and malnourished. I kind of became his dadís home aide. If thatís what youíd call it? Whenever I wasnít working I was taking care of his dad. So naturally I wasnít with him a lot. Although he has made it pretty clear to me he doesnít want to be around me.

For the last five months heís been acting very strange. Iíll wake up in the middle of the night and heíd be on the phone with his ex girlfriend. Heís always with her. Heíll turn down date nights with me to be with her. Heís even started to stay at her house some nights.

Iíve confronted him about it multiple times and he just gets upset and yells and screams about me being insecure and selfish. I try to keep fights to a minimum because of his dad but at this point Iím over it. I try to tell him what Iím feeling but he just dismisses everything I say and tells me Iím making everything about myself.

I want to be there for him and his dad but if heís going to do this to me Iíll leave. I picked up my entire life and moved for him just so he could be with his dad during this time and I feel like Iím still sacrificing. Iím giving up my time, my dream career and my happiness to try and support him. I hate to say it that way but I wasnít even given the chance to grieve. Sheís not my mother I get that but sheís been like a mother for almost six years.

Itís beginning to be too much. On top of all of that I truly believe heís cheating on me and even if he isnít over these last few months heís completely destroyed my self esteem. He talks to me any kind of way and heís constantly criticizing everything I do. Heís always comparing me to his friend.

No one has once checked on me to see how I feel or if Iím ok. I feel like Iím alone sitting in chaos and everyone else is just out doing their own thing. While Iím running around trying to make sure theyíre all fine.

TLDR; I donít want to be selfish and make this tragic situation about me. I canít imagine what heís going through but at this point I donít know whether I want to just pack up and leave or if I want to work this out.


3 Ways to make a man Happy in bed :tounge:
=> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRQ1YNXy12s
Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: beatric] #2776701
01/26/18 01:07 AM
01/26/18 01:07 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29

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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: beatric] #2776705
01/26/18 01:36 AM
01/26/18 01:36 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,711
Southern Maryland
beatric,

I am so sorry that you are here. It sounds like your man is going through a crisis, i.e., death of his mother. Depression is the main ingredient of a MLC and it takes years to work through one. Your man is grieving for loss of his mother, but also the loss of the connection to his childhood.

As for the former girlfriend, they had a strong connection growing up and it appears that the reconnection has been sparked if he's calling her all of the time or staying at her place. Red flags are waving quite strongly over this situation.

Confronting him will do no good. If anything, it will push him closer to the former girlfriend. Your man doesn't care how you feel or what you want. Right now, he is running from everything and can't face reality that his mother is gone and wants to go back and revisit the "olden" days. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him...he has to do that himself.

You've been very generous in relocating and taking care of his father...but it's time to consider looking for a home care agency to come in and help his father out. I know that you feel a sense of duty to be there for his father...but it's not your responsibility to oversee his care any lon

My advice, start figuring out where you want to go and then pack your bags and leave. Don't threaten to do it because he will think you are just spouting off. Actions speak louder than words. You aren't married to this man and, as you can see, his moral compass is very much out of whack and his empathy chip is broken. Once this man is through his crisis (if he doesn't stay stuck), if he truly loves you, he will find a way back to you...but...until that day comes, you need to live your life to the fullest as if he won't return. It's time to put the focus back on to you and what you need to do to live your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: job] #2776725
01/26/18 04:11 AM
01/26/18 04:11 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
I agree. He's texting her in the middle of the night, he's spending all his time with her and he's spending nights at her house? Yes, he's cheating on you. It's the perfect storm - loss of a parent and reconnection with a "lost love".

And ask yourself - why are YOU doing all the care of his father? Why isn't HE spending all his time after work at his dad's?

Yes, he's depressed, and yes, people do crazy things in the fog of depression. But this is also a warning. You're not married to this man. Let's just say you get through this and he comes back to his senses and you marry him - what do you think happens ten or twenty years from now when the stresses of life hit again? He's showing you that he's not a good bet for a long term partner.

(And frankly, even if he's not sleeping with her - which I really think he is - he's not treating you with the respect and gratitude you deserve for everything you've done).

Let me tell you my story in a nutshell. ExH slept with old girlfriend the night before our wedding. 6 months later I find his journal where he's writing about her. I try to kick him out but he begs to stay. We repair our marriage (I think) and embark on life together. Three children and 14 years later he has an affair - children are devastated. I DB our marriage back together and have several more great years - then he approaches 50 and departs in a blaze of midlife crisis. We've now been divorced for 7 years and he's married to an Asian chick 19 years younger than him.

I blew past his red flags and lived to regret it. Don't make the mistake I did. My children suffered for the gamble I took on my ex.

(Your story also reminds me of my sister. She was married and had a two year old. Her mother-in-law was dying alone in another state. Even though this MIL was a terrible person who always treated my sister badly, my sister packed up her child and moved to take care of her in her final two months (my sister is a saint). Her husband stayed home to work and had an affair while she was gone! No, they're not married anymore - and he has shown himself to be a sociopath in the twenty some years since.)

Figure out where's best for you to be, start applying for jobs there (or see if you can get your old job back?) and start making plans to get your life back. Also start telling your BF "I have plans with friends from work tonight, youlll have to go to your dad's after work. " Then go out, even if it's just to a movie by yourself or to read a book in a coffeehouse.

He's showing you he can't be trusted in a time of stress. Life is full of stresses. If he can't make it through this without cheating, what do you think he'll do if you develop a chronic illness? Or have a child with a disability? You deserve a partner who adores you and is as good and reliable a person as you are. Don't settle.

Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: kml] #2776754
01/26/18 07:50 AM
01/26/18 07:50 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,597
USA
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Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,597
USA
Beatrix,

Agree with all the advice given. Take care of yourself. He is taking advantage of your goodness in the worst possible way. He should take care of dad when he is not at work.

Sorry to say, you are enabling his affair by taking care of dad while he gets to spend time with his XGF who is now his GF again.

And agree donít try and talk him out of this, just take action.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: Gordie] #2776784
01/26/18 02:12 PM
01/26/18 02:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 164
Australia
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devvo Offline
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devvo  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 164
Australia

Agree with the others, especially kml. KML, hadn't realised how close our sitches are! My XH proved 3 or 4 years into our marriage that he is pretty terrible at dealing with depression. At that time, he contracted an illness that made him a little depressed. He blamed me for all of his negative feelings and emotions yet without any discussion, decided to leave me - only to come back 6 to 8 weeks later crying and begging for another chance. Because I am a romantic and believed in my marriage vows I agreed. At that time, I would've been OK with kicking him to the kerb, but I ignored all of the thoughts of his flakiness and how I might just be settling. I did that because I truly believed that our love was strong enough to cope with anything.

Like kml and her XH, we went on to have two lovely children and we built a successful, exciting life together. Then the MLC thing happened, and my world fell apart. Now XH is with an Asian woman 21 years his junior, seemingly continuing his path to Nirvana. All of the things I gave him and all of the things I sacrificed meant absolutely nothing to him.

The thing I most regret is not following my heart the first time my XH left me. The thing I next most regret is sacrificing a great career to follow my XH overseas.

Beatric, you have gigantic, waving red flags warning you that your BF is going to break your heart and your spirit. You have already given him way too much. You are clearly a very warm, generous and loving woman - you can do much, much better than a broken, selfish little man who can't see the brilliant diamond of a woman you are.

Please don't make the same mistake I made. Go now. Run, do not walk. Do not cheat yourself of a much better future than the one you now face.


Me:55 H:55
S:22 S:20
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
Re: I think my fiancť has been cheating on me ever si. [Re: Gordie] #2776786
01/26/18 02:29 PM
01/26/18 02:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
peacetoday Offline
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peacetoday  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Bea

Sorry you find yourself here

The others are so right

Our spouses that fall into MLC are not a good choice for a future
they seem to be people with a lot of unresolved childhood issues..

They seem ok for some of their adult life, until about the age of 40 ish,,then bam
MLC
There is nothing we can do to help them
No way to change them back
since you are not Married to him, you may want to read up on MLC and decide what you want
If you decide to stay, it may take 2 -7 years or longer and they are usually not the same after the crises..some will not return even if we wait

I thought Maybe my XH would pass through and get out quickly
like he would be different
10 years later, he is still very sick

keep posting
Hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow

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