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#2775758 01/18/18 03:16 AM
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Sunchsr Offline OP
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Married for almost 2 years. She says I was emotionally abusive and that she wants a divorce, this was right around Christmas. I moved out (kicked out) this week. She shows ZERO want to reconcile. I stopped talking to her when I moved out. Someone please help me. Thanks in advance for any advice

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Originally Posted By: Sunchsr
She says I was emotionally abusive and that she wants a divorce, this was right around Christmas. I moved out (kicked out) this week. She shows ZERO want to reconcile. I stopped talking to her when I moved out. Someone please help me. Thanks in advance for any advice


SO is there any truth to what she said?


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Cadet #2775767 01/18/18 03:44 AM
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Sunchsr Offline OP
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Maybe. I can’t think of anything though.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Cadet #2775774 01/18/18 04:06 AM
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Sunchsr Offline OP
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I appreciate the advice. Before I get the books, are there’s any tips to start with. We’re not even talking right now, so I don’t know what to do.

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Originally Posted By: Sunchsr
We’re not even talking right now, so I don’t know what to do.

Believe it or not that is likely a good thing.

Read the links I gave you,
especially the pursuit and distance thread.

DB'ing is counterintuitive, so what you think makes sense is 180 the wrong direction.


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Cadet #2775778 01/18/18 04:13 AM
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Sunchsr,

Not reaching out to her is good for right now. The first thing you need to do is look at yourself, if you don't know if you're emotionally abusive, then you need to figure it out. Maybe talking with an IC will help you.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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The only thing I fear from me being distant and not talking, (not pursuing), is that it’s exactly what she wants. It allows her to be free and lose every feeling she has for me because she doesn’t even have to think about me

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Sunchsr,

Read the "pursuit and distance" link in the list of links that Cadet sent you. Right now, if you give her lots of space and distance, she'll be more inclined to return. It feels so counter-intuitive, but it's true.

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