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Lou, I so can relate about the emotional ups and downs, and about feeling ridiculous… I’m way farther on my journey than you are, coming up to 6 years post DB, and I am still not 100% over it. Well… in my case, H is in contact pretty regularly, about one thing or another. And we still have some joint stuff, that he seems in no hurry to separate. And… he’s been awfully nice for some time, and especially recently… All these probably don’t help…

Just like bttrfly said, every iteration of our emotions is the next layer of healing. And, yes, the dreams are the hardest thing to let go of.

bttrfly, I absolute love your post! I’m going to save it for me.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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aww {{{{{{{ bright }}}}}}} mwah :*


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thank you so much AndrewP,sjohns6, bttrfly,job and bright for your lovely replies.

Andrew: Thank you. <3 <3 <3 back to you

Bttrfly: My darling friend thank you so much for the pep talk and motivation ... you should write a life coach book, seriously, you always know exactly what to say to keep me going.

sjohns6: Thank you, and you are right, I need to put a lot less thought time in to h, it is a waste of my energy. Like I said, my head tells me the right things but my heart pulls me the opposite way. Its now 4 years since BD, he continues to dip in and out of my space, I have tried so hard to live my own life, continue to move forwards without him, but each time he dips in I do look back and probably linger on the spot a bit too long.

job:It seems that we had a couple of weeks of autumn and then straight into the beginning of winter! Its something that I could not have predicted happening on my trip, I do feel that I have adapted my direction to the conditions and so far my decisions have all worked out. H was the one who always made the decisions, problem solving and logistics is his area, so I have been a bit overwhelmed at times having to deal with everything that has arisen so far, but each time I do it I become more confident and relaxed in knowing I will be ok.

Bright: They don't make moving on easy do they !! I had lunch with a g/friend yesterday and she said "I feel as long as you are being proactive and continuing to live your life as best you can, then getting over your r can take as long as it takes ...however if your still hung up on your h in another 4 years time I'm going to kick your a$$" lol. I gave her permission to do so !!

So update time -

I took the east route.

Yesterday I had lunch with my g/friend, I had not seen her in person for 3 years, so it was really lovely to spend time with her catching up. We went for a walk in the hills, the view was incredible, mountain ranges all green with forest and grasslands. We drove through the wineries to a little area with some boutique shops and a cafe, had lunch and then went back to her house. It was so good to have a long natter, we usually ring each other each week, but their is nothing like chatting in person.

At 3pm I made the journey to Christchurch, it was a 4.5hr journey, i am not used to driving for that long and the majority of the road was no stopping due to roadworks repairing the earthquake damage, so I stopped an hour in to my trip for a quick stretch and then did the last 3.5hrs non stop. It was ok and i arrived in good time, found my s21 flat in time for dinner coming out of the oven!! We chatted for a couple of hours, and I felt very old when at 10pm they started getting ready to go out for the night and I was off to bed hahaha.

I slept well, but in the morning I had a bit of a (best way to describe it as) nauseous feeling. Knowing h is just up the road from where i am, I know its irrational, but still the feeling was there. So I got up and drove a while to some hills overlooking a bay and went for a long walk, it was beautiful, the sun in the sky and not many people were around. I took lots of photos and with so many tracks to take I want to return there to do some of the more challenging ones.

On the way home I called in to a supermarket and in the car park thought I saw h - it wasnt him of course, this is a city and the likelihood of me bumping in to h is extremely low - but at that moment I had a bit of a panic feeling, especially as the man was in a car with someone else .... so I got in my car and out of the carpark as quick as I could. I feel really silly, i mean talk about over reaction! Since then I have felt uncomfortable staying here, but as bttrfly pointed out, this is all part of the healing process and I must allow myself to feel it, so I am hoping to stay with s21 for a while longer.

So that's the latest, I still travelling and hoping to still have at least another 6 weeks off before I have to return to reality and get a job and home again.

Thanks for reading and for all your replies, they are all very much appreciated.

Love n Hugs to you all xoxo

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Hi Lou!
I really enjoyed reading your adventures and update. I have to say, I am a bit of a baby with camping, so reading about the storms, in a tent, on your own.....girlfriend, you are amazing!

I am so happy to hear you are out living your journey, I envy that. Your feeling about H, I totally get it. Being about the same length into it, I think what I mourn the most today is the dream of H, all the plans I had for us. It's been the hardest part to accept for me. I also find I think of H more when I am off doing things other than my day to day life, so I am not surprised he is heavy on your mind. Like others said, feel it and try to let it pass.

Thank you for updating us and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Be safe,
M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Um, my post has not appeared, can anyone tell me what I may have done wrong?

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I am not sure what happened to my last post? Waaaay too long maybe !!

Hello Everyone, its been a long time since I last updated, I should have dropped in sooner and reached out to my dear friends here, but I have been struggling and sunk so low that I have become insular and withdrawn from everyone. But I am here now and that is a good start.

My trip encountered challenge after challenge, the weather was not on my side and my enthusiasm and bank balance took a hit, so I gave in about 4 weeks ago and after staying with s21 for a few days I headed to S24, pleased to have a roof over my head and a hot shower.

When I first arrived I went on lots of day trips and explored the area, I can see why s24 said I would love it here, its really me and I would love to settle here, however the universe appears to not agree. The town I am living in is very small and after 4 weeks I have had no joy with employment and with limited business here I am not confident this situation will change anytime soon. This means my allowance for this period is running out rapidly and even with some frugality I will be hitting my limited savings very soon. On top of that I have had a lot of time to myself and whilst I know that I will most likely look back and be thankful of this time, right now, allowing myself to feel everything that life has thrown at me has caused me so enormous highs (how far I have come, how much I have grown in strength and mind) and extreme lows (how much I have lost, complete heartbroken over h, my situation now), most of the time its all in one day and quite honestly I am emotional drained and don't feel I can take any more hits.

I can see now that all I have been doing is running away and hoping that someone, anyone, will save me, will stop this pain and remove me from this horrible life that I have somehow ended up in. I held on to the fantasy that h would return again, after all, we are still married and he has done it once before, I kept that thought alive, that maybe he was feeling the same again but did not know how to come back or that if he even should, so if I gave him the excuse, permission, then all would be fine in the world again. Then there is the boys, I was so happy to think they wanted me living near them, my role has always been a mum and to be given that chance back, it felt familiar and safe, however it does not make it right. Both the boys are living their own lives, dealing with the ups and downs that come along and I am very proud that they have both become independent young men, but after staying with them I can see that I would still be as much their mum on the end of a phone as I am in person and this move was more for me than them.

Ah, but pushing everything down deep eventually comes back up, and that is what has happened along my latest adventure. S tells me that h does ask after me but feels its more conversation chit chat than actual interest. H also sent messages through s21 for me when I was staying with him, which was hard for me to know that despite me being just down the road he could not face me or even send me a text asking himself. I sunk really low at this point. S21 also said his dad asked him how i felt about him these days as he is not sure if he should go to the wedding, he does not want to cause upset. I told s21 that if his dad asks him again then please say "ask mum" as I dont feel its acceptable that he is putting either of our s in the middle. He has my email and my phone number, if he wants to know what I am thinking or feeling then the only person who knows the answer to that is me. He did say his dad has gone back to being a bit moochy but is loving his job and has good friends and seems happy enough.

Anyway, then s24 told me yesterday that h is coming down to visit next weekend but because I am staying with him (in the sleepout attached to the garage not in the house) he wont come to the house so is staying with friends 1hr away and wants s24 to go visit him there. I am once again upset, I am that repulsive to him, is the thought of being in the same place with me so awful that he is doing everything he can to avoid it? Another sinking moment.

I look back and try to recall a day when I have not cried, when I have not felt lost and sad, I just cant remember. When he came back, that is the last time I felt alive and happy.

So now I have cried and sobbed and seen that all I was doing is hiding and running and looking for a saviour, after I have sat at the bottom of the hole (well I hope it was the bottom as I dont think I can take anymore) and thrown myself the pity party of the year, I am looking up and know that I need to do something proactive before I end up with no energy left to pick myself up and move again. So what do I do now? I feel stuck in a bad situation, but I know there is an answer, doing nothing is not an option. It is unlikely I will find a job here, a least one that will cover rent, power and some food, nevermind anything else,plus there are not many rentals here so I would have to look outside the town which means gas for the car to travel to work. However much I love it, i don't think staying is an option. However I have made so many doozey decisions I am second guessing myself, plus with dwindling finances I cannot afford to make any more wrong moves.

What is done is done, I cant change any of it, so now need to find a way out of this and help myself get back on track again.

For those of you who have battled through to the end I thank you, you are my rocks and I right now I am clinging on.

Love n hugs xoxo

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Lou,

We have been experiencing some issues w/the forum for about 3-4 weeks and we have found that using special characters and long postings don't always come through to be posted.

I am so sorry to read that you are having some really downer days. You have experienced quite a bit since going on your adventure and that is what it was...an adventure. You've learned a lot about yourself and have begun to face many challenges that you will need to go through and not around them in order to get to the other side.

I am glad you are at your son's place. Now, about your h, you are looking at his visit and him staying an hour away as him not wanting to see you. I, may be wrong, but I don't see it that way. I see him as giving you your space and him not wanting to upset you since his last try at reconciling w/you. I'm not a mind reader, but I wouldn't think he can't stand to be around you at all. If he didn't have feelings for you, he wouldn't inquire about you. Maybe he doesn't know how to reach out you after that failed reconciliation. Maybe he's waiting for you to give him a sign that you would be willing to talk to him. MLCers are like scared colts in a field. One sudden move and they are off running away from the person trying to pet them. He doesn't know how you feel and he's scared of being rejected by you. I know, he rejected the reconciliation...but he's had plenty of time to grow up just a bit.

Lou, if you feel up to it, drop some bread crumbs and see if he'll respond to you.

I hope you feel better soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Job, thank you so much for your reply, I needed to hear from a friend.

I had pre written my post then copied it in to my thread to save internet data, this may have been the issue with my post.

Yes this has been an adventure, and I have learnt a lot about myself. I know that this is just a period in time and one day I will look back and say " geez, did I really live through that!"

Thank you for your thoughts re h and a different perspective, I value your opinions. I did think about what you said regarding him still feeling something when he contacted last year, I wondered why he was so bothered what I thought about him, that he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy anymore than he is, if he didn't care then he wouldn't have been bothered what I thought about s21 moving to him. But I dismissed it as me mind reading as that is a dangerous sport.

You are more expert in this area, if I decide to reach out, what form do you suggest it takes, to be honest I have many things I could say but know that they could all open up a can of worms so just remain quiet instead.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received while I figure out if I am ready to handle whatever happens as a consequence.

Love n Hugs xoxo

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