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Maika Offline OP
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No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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For folks joining in on the action at this point, quick summary:

W walked out in typical BD fashion and then mixed messages for a few months which gave me difficulties in doing DBing. Had a big chat 3 months ago and she said that separation was permanent. Since then I've been basically NC/Dark aside from being proactive on kid communications. No pursuing or asking questions. Took some time to get my head straight but then completely focused on myself and things are getting better.

Nothing eventful has happened in the last little while. I am putting myself back into my work more and getting that going. Also, been consistent with my health goals since beginning of January and will be keeping it up.

I have lots of new things that I want to get into this year, but I am slowly phasing things in and taking time. I have the tendency to be impulsive and when something excites me, I just want to rush into right away. But, I am making sure that my primary goals and new habits get really settled in and I adapt to the new lifestyle before I add more things in.

Stuff that I want to incorporate this year:

1. Woodworking skills (we have a community woodworking shop where they offer courses and little projects. Great way to learn and meet people as well)

2. Learn Spanish Guitar (will have to teach myself, but it will be fun)

3. Join Toastmasters or some public speaking and communications club (I used to be a very confident and engaging speaker many years ago; my self-esteem took a beating and so I have kinda lost that confidence and I want to gain in back)

I am having some trouble sleeping and thoughts do creep up all the time, but I am keeping busy and so that has helped.


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika Offline OP
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I've been fairly tormented lately about my sitch and what W has done and it is taking up a lot of mental space than I'd like. The yo-yo continues. I read a piece on Chump Lady today on emotional affairs and her response to a letter and it kinda sent me over the edge.

I haven't fully recounted or accepted the EA that my W had and what that action meant towards me. I always framed it as possible EA, but when I look back and add the pieces up, it was definitely an EA - coming to accepting that has just kinda pissed me off.

Just the way Chump Lady framed her response to it made me finally realize how damaging what W did was to me and I am overcome by disgust and a real sense of betrayal.

I just need a bit of a breather. I love coming here every day and being immersed in this community, but I need a serious break. I think coming here every day just keeps everything in my mind and I have recently just been thinking about her and the sitch a lot more than I'd really like to. I have learned so much here and I have the tools and mindset to move on.

I need some space to think about where I see myself in 10, 20, 30 years and what kind of life I envision for myself. And then work backwards to figure out what logical steps I need to take. Especially for my career.

Some anger came back today and I have learned enough now to channel it towards motivation and lighting a fire under my a$$. I also worked out today which helped.

I have a hard time believing right now that I can find a path towards building trust with W considering all the damage that's been done. I am not making any decisions about anything right now, but I am just kinda done. I don't know how I can do something positive with W with the lying and deception from her part.

I truly hope no one here feels discouraged by my post. I just need a bit more 'me' time and figure out some large questions about the future. I know it won't be completely figured out, but I need a roadmap to something.

On a positive note - completely consistent with my diet, meds, reading, working out, climbing etc. for the last couple of weeks. That has been awesome and I feel really good that I have been able to motivate myself to continue working towards my goals.

Thanks everyone for so much support and wisdom. I wouldn't have made it this far without y'all.

I will be back after a much needed hiatus. Will definitely come back and post an update if something unique happens, but I doubt much is going to shift in the sitch as it stands.


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Maika, good luck. I can understand how you need to think on your own for a while. I hope you find clarity and peace.

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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks Nicole. All the best to you as you move towards a healthier and calmer 2018. I hope to check back on you in a little while and see your updates.

J9 - I feel good to go for D right now. I dunno. I know AS says that once you feel done, give it a few months and then see if you feel the same. I think I am there. Stay healthy and safe and positive. Will pop back in a little while. Have my IC tomorrow so it's good timing for me to figure out some stuff.


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Dude.....I have went back and forth as well. I have seen my W the past 2 days during kid exchange since my oldest is stick and I am working from home and she is not even close. I am re-reading DR to see if I can pull some inspiration from it to continue on. The problem is that the first Chapter is the D trap smile

I am happy with who I am, I am more aware of my pitfalls as a partner however most of this is on her. I have got my mojo back. The truth is I am a simple man, give me my kids, let me hit the gym, get a lift in and play basketball, meet some guys out for a few beers once in a while and I am good (also include some light reading). I don't need a bunch of extra $hit in my life to make me happy. It's who I am and I am good with that.

Anyways, I hear you man. I pray for clarity daily and for guidance with my decisons.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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J & M

If you haven't already read JRUSS's post on Hoosjims thread.

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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks LH for the redirect. Yes, JRUSS's post is words to live by. My colleague is keen to set me up with a friend of hers for a date - I told her now is not the right time. But, she showed me a pic of her and I am looking forward to spending some time with other women with my full mojo back. There is an ocean out there and for men like us who have worked their a$$es off to be better human beings, we will attract great people who will want to be with us, whether as friends or romantic partners.

LH - what you wrote there just hit me super hard: "never will I convince someone to be with me". I am going to live by that motto.


No one is coming to save you!

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You got it M. Yep, I live by the Will Smith quote in my signature. If you have read Jruss' entire thread his transformation has been amazing.

Stay strong my friend!

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M,

I took a break from the boards myself, and it seems to have helped me.

I think there is definite catharsis in these boards and insight into healing. But coming here every day was also a constant reminder of what had happened.

I decided to take a break from the boards, and things went through the roof, once I stopped /trying/ to heal and just actually did things heal.

Transmission issues are gone,
I've met someone who I have extremely intense chemistry with
I have had multiple women contact me and ask me if I am available for a particular set of skills I have.
I've gotten back to a healthier living style
My nerve issues appear to have mostly subsided, and regained most function in my arm again.

I guess my point is, don't be a stranger, but taking a break is definitely a positive for me.

Totally wish we could talk outside the boards, since you and I seem to be very much alike, personality wise.

Best of luck brother


Married 9: Together 11
M:37 W:35
S:2 D:7
Bomb dropped 6/3/2017
W moved out 7/1/2017
Separation Filed: 8/1/2017
Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017
Divorced: 10/5/2017
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