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Previous Thread:

What should I be doing now? (It's done)

That's what I'm doing now, as much as I can anyway. It's been 15 1/2 months since I separated from my STBXW (henceforth referred to as ex), and the divorce hearing to finalize is set for Jan 10th (2 days). I'm flying to FL tomorrow after work, hearing is set the next day at 1030hrs and I'm flying home that evening. Quick and painless, right?

I have two questions I'd appreciate opinions on, they are:

1. My mother asked if I wanted her to come with me for support, I told her no. My thought is that it might make it harder to say what I have to say if I feel like she's watching me admit my M is a failure and cannot be saved. I plan on heading to her house after the hearing, so I will be around family afterwards for a few hours before going to the airport. Do you think it would be a good idea to ask her to come?

2. I've told my ex not to bring her boyfriend to the hearing. Initially I planned to just leave if she brought him, I'm not subpoenaed, the divorce just won't happen if we aren't both there. She would then need to file for divorce costing her a lot of money, kind of a final F you. I'm reconsidering that option because I want this to go through and be done with it, but fear anger will get the best of me if she shows up with him, thoughts on forcing her to file at a much higher cost? (yes, I'm being spiteful, just need to hear someone else say it)

Overall, I've been enjoying life, embarking on adventures and embracing my love for the outdoors. I had a few down days last week after seeing her facebook posts introducing her new "baby" to everyone. But I got past that funk after a few days, and am optimistic about my present/future.

I have waited to date until my D is final, but on Friday went ahead and created a profile on an online dating site (I included that I was still M and the D date in the profile). I was contacted by someone Saturday morning, and we have been texting a little. It's been nice to start getting to talk with someone, but I've held off on asking her to meet IRL because I'd rather do that after the D is final.

Anyway, it's been a whirlwind but thankfully the circus should be over soon, my son's planning to go away to college in 6 months and I should have no more contact with ex, other than sons milestones (graduation, marriage, etc.).


Last edited by job; 01/08/18 06:51 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread

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Originally Posted By: Coconut
2. I've told my ex not to bring her boyfriend to the hearing. Initially I planned to just leave if she brought him, I'm not subpoenaed, the divorce just won't happen if we aren't both there. She would then need to file for divorce costing her a lot of money, kind of a final F you. I'm reconsidering that option because I want this to go through and be done with it, but fear anger will get the best of me if she shows up with him, thoughts on forcing her to file at a much higher cost? (yes, I'm being spiteful, just need to hear someone else say it)


Coconut,

I think it's a great boundary to set. I think your request is very reasonable. She's still married to you; I don't think it's spiteful of you to request that the OM doesn't make an appearance.

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Thx doodler, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that he not be there.. But if he is, is it unreasonable for me to just leave and the divorce be dismissed?

I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him. She makes more than I do, she got most of the marital assets, we have about the same in our retirement accts (except she will also get a FD pension in addition), so I don't think I'd lose out if we have to get lawyers involved.


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Originally Posted By: Coconut
Thx doodler, I don't think it's unreasonable for me to ask that he not be there.. But if he is, is it unreasonable for me to just leave and the divorce be dismissed?

I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him. She makes more than I do, she got most of the marital assets, we have about the same in our retirement accts (except she will also get a FD pension in addition), so I don't think I'd lose out if we have to get lawyers involved.


First off, from following your sitch for a long time, I think you are getting waaaaay ahead of yourself. Your ex is not out ot be spiteful and I don't think she has ever rubbed anything in your face. I read some of these newcomers, and these WAW are nutso, really trying to hurt their LBS. I don't think she is out to do that to you at all. I also think she knows you, and that if she were to bring the BF, you would become spiteful. I don't think she wants that. I think she wants to move on peacefully.

You worry me a bit because you want to spiteful and in one way, you are moving forward, moved, have great hobbies, ect.... why would you want to bring any unwanted friction into your life? Just get it done with already. Change the marital status on your dating profile to divorced. Wipe the slate completely clean. Free yourself already! It's been 15 months. You have been asking for this, now you have it, and you want make it harder just to spite her?

I get the hurt. I have to actually speak to and be friendly with other woman who is his wife and my daughters stepmother. The only thing that really freed me was me not trying to punish them anymore.

I don't think she is going to bring him. And if she did, you don't even need to do anything consequential.

Even my ex, one of the biggest douchebags, knew not to bring OW. I went alone, and my ex had his lawyer who is his dad's best friend and also attended our wedding. How awkward is that? Especially he part where he asked "how are you doing?"

Take a deep breath. She isn't going to do.

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Originally Posted By: Coconut
I do want the divorce, so not sure if i'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I will be pissed if she does that and it's about the only consequential thing I can do if she does bring him.


Do you think she'd respond positively if you asked her nicely not to bring the OM along for the court appearance?

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Thx Ginger, you are probably right and she won't bring him. but when I was down in the dumps last week I thought about the hearing and the thought of her showing up with him popped in my head.. I didn't care for the idea, and the thought of leaving if he showed up seemed like my best way out of the situation.. but like I said, I want this to be over.


Doodler, I mentioned it to her and she didn't reply.


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Coconut

My understand is that you are entitled to confidentiality.

Do you have an L?

My clear instruction to my L was that if there was a breach of my confidentiality, misuse of my information by WH, his BIT or the faux L then I would ask for contempt of court.

That was enough.

He had no motion to admit as a witness.

It worked

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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The opposite of love is indifference.

Why should it matter if she brings OM or not? He was never the threat to the marriage - her level of commitment was.

Let go of the anger - she will need to face the consequences of her actions as she lives the rest of her life. I know, easier said than done.

The spite is just another way for saying you're still affected by her. Not detached. Be indifferent. Be respectful to the court, and to the process of law, but the end is in sight. Don't waiver.

Also, my opinion is you'll need time to process everything. Dating so soon could be a recipe for disaster - for both you and the date. Please think through and around your pain to what you want long-term. Sometimes the lonely takes us over - and we want companionship. Just keep the end goal in mind.


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My thoughts are different on this one trumpet.

It is none of an OP business to be involved in my divorce, possibly influencing the wayward on fins.

Indifferent or not.

And it suits me that the G is living with a rich OP with assets. That wouldn't be on the table if the OP was there.

Wholly inappropriate irrespective of indifference.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I agree with both V and Trumpet.

It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure.

But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.

In my heart and mind my wife died 3 years ago. The person she became is just a stranger to me. An extra in the movie of my life. She doesn't have a name and I certainly don't care what she does with her body or free time. She is one of about 4 billion girls I have nothing to do with.

Fake it til you make it.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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