Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Subitai]

Thanks Vanilla and NicoleR! I am doing my best to not get overly excited. I still assume we are heading for divorce as my W is the type that makes up her mind and sticks with it. However, prolonged improvements might let her reconsider. Time will tell. I've skimmed through Petri and hoosjim and a few others, including blu. Glad to see positive progress, and also growth even without R progress. I will check back in if there are developments, and I will get back into commenting as soon as I have head space. Probably another week or two before work eases again.

[Subitai]

Rough bunch of days, but we just had MC/DC, and afterwards she came and leaned on me for a hug. It lasted for over a minute. A very good hug. She's getting madder and sadder. Some from external stuff, some from me backsliding on some behaviors (turn it around, Sub!) and some because she feels like I'm present in a way I wasn't, before, and she's mad that I didn't do that when the stakes were different.

[Subitai]

Oh, Valentine's day. She just dropped by to say hi and give out cards, didn't stay and have dinner with the kids.

[Subitai]

I went over to take the kids to school today so she could leave early to get to a work event early for set up, and she was leaving and came back in and said "Wait! I forgot to kiss your face! The face of my girl child!" And I teasingly said "Awww!" and she said "I'll kiss yours, too!" and kissed me on the cheek. DO NOT READ INTO THIS! Gotta stay on target, keep detaching, and keep being friendly and 180ing etc.

[reframe]

You're doing fantastic.
I struggle a ton with my mood ping-ponging between extremes depending on how the latest interaction went. Look for the signs of progress but don't get attached to them
(now if only I could take my own advice)

[Subitai]

Little progress forward with regards to the W, but still making progress on my own as far as IC goes.

I am feeling like somebody who is at month 6 of getting his motorcycle license. I kinda feel like I know what I'm doing, but that makes me relax and more likely to have a careless accident, both with DBing and with my IC. I used to be angry fairly constantly. Now I'm not, and all of my work getting to that point now with being constantly monitoring my brain/mood/etc feels different, I feel relaxed, but I have noticed that I am back to getting into a state where I can get angry and frustrated with multiple inputs that bug me.

For instance, this morning my D didn't want to get dressed, my S didn't want to eat the same breakfast he always demands because I didn't ask him first, I was trying to get the dogs out the door and walked before the rain hit, and I got frustrated and told them no TV and started escalating my mood. I quickly shut that down, got their breakfasts on the table, and got the dogs out the door so I could calm down and de-escalate. But I shouldn't have gotten to that point in the first place, but I have gotten 'lax' in my monitoring because everything has been pretty good for me.

Last night, the W facetimed the kids, who I usually have in bed. I was on the computer trying to get something done that she asked me to do, when suddenly the kids come running out of their rooms asking me to show them something that Mommy wanted them to see on my computer. I was on the phone AND on a website trying to get stuff to work and I had to drop it all to refocus on this, and she was talking on FT, the kids were both talking over her and eachother, and I got frustrated and said "Everybody just shut up for a minute!" in a exasperated (but not my full angry) voice. I knew this was the wrong thing to say, but in the moment, I locked down the mounting anger, got the video playing that she wanted the kids to see, and ignored the W's question of "Why are we yelling shut up at people?" instead of engaging and got the kids through the video and back to bed where they finished FT with the W. I calmed down during the video with my relaxing techniques and was fine.

These two incidents feel more like the 'old' me rather than the 'new' me I am aiming to become. I know I will always have a quick temper, but not letting it get the best of me is important to me.

Thinking about Recon, I am getting less desperate for it. Before I would have jumped at her moving back, or stopping the process. Now, I don't think it would work. I like who I am becoming, and it is harder to be that person around her. Furthermore, I always assumed things were better than she did because she deeply compartmentalizes things. How could I ever trust that things are 'good' with her? How could I ever risk putting the kids through separation and divorce AGAIN after seeing what it's doing to them right now? Especially after giving them some false hope in reconciling?

This is, of course, far from even an option right now, but these are the concerns I would have.

Work friend A has commented on me being calmer and slower to get worked up in our conversations.

Work friend B said she feels like I am 'more grown up' or adult in my interactions at work and in our personal interactions. (Our families hang out every few weeks.)

I feel like I am making progress, and at the point where I need to double down and start driving these changes into the bedrock of my personality and not just go "whoa, everything is so much better! I can relax now" and slowly lose them.

This board has been such a great help in keeping me focused on myself and my IC, and keeping me from spinning out into obsessions over W and our R.

[Vanilla]

Sounds like an ordinary day for a terrific dad.

You are doing great.

Kids always come first and I admire a dad who achieves that.

Don't underestimate how important that is.

Hugs

V

[Subitai]

Looong time since I posted. I got laid off shortly after my last post, and I refocused on getting a new job, getting things back together for myself, and my IC. So I stopped coming here as I used to do that at work on breaks. Things that have come out in the mean time :

She is dating, and has been since shortly after the BD.

I am not dating. But it isn’t an alien thought like it used to be.

I am doing great with my IC (still at it) and have entire weeks where I don’t lose my temper.

We are filed, and working out the last details.

I am not interested in RC. Not unless she goes to therapy and does some work, but given the first bullet point, I doubt she will, or will ever want to RC. She checked out and lined up a new partner before the BD.

Kids are doing better.

Still birdnesting, but not for much longer. And I think she’s going to try and insist that I not get to buy her out of her side of the house because... the kids keeping their house is less important than winning? I don’t know what her deal is with this. Keeping the house for the kids was hugely important until I said we could do that, but we had to buy someone out and divest financially.

Thanks to everyone that kept me sane all those months ago!

[ovrrnbw]

Was she "dating" before BD? You say she lined up another partner before BD. Sounds like a WW. Monkey branching is cheating. Are you treating her as such? What are you interactions like?

Does birdnesting mean she is still at home?

No D papers filed?

[Subitai]

EAP is a coworker she was hanging out with for months before BD. Certainly an EA she started when she decided to head towards BD.

Birdnesting means we take turns at the house with the kids.

Interactions are politely distant for the most part. She is fone as long as things are going her way, and super mad when she is not. I still have anger flare ups when she treats me like her servant to pick up whatever slack with the kids.

As I said, not into RC right now.