Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Hi Everyone,

I hope this is the right way to start a new thread. Here's the first thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2765203#Post2765203

Basically my husband of nine years left two years ago for another lady and returned after eight weeks later promising to fix the marriage but never did. After living as roommates since his return he left again in September. He still shows no interest in reconciling. Due to financial insecurity and his lack of interest in our daughter I may need to file for divorce in the near future. I'm struggling a lot as you can see in the previous thread.

All, I feel like I got too far behind to respond to each of your responses in detail but I really appreciate all of them and keep reading them.

The latest is that two nights ago my husband arrived at his 'normal' time although I didn't expect him to come since he hasn't been coming and didn't call. He entered silently and looked sad and upset and walked into our daughter's room and sat down without showing much emotion. He built blocks with her for about 20 minutes. During that time I could hear her saying "Why don't you want to live with us? Why? Tell me why." His response was "because I don't want to live with anyone." Then she said "why are you so mean to mama and make her cry?" I didn't hear his response to that but to me that was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. Hearing an innocent child struggling to understand why her father left, and her father not being able to offer any kind of comfort or regret. I feel so terrible for my daughter. She's normally a happy child but I fear how this will affect her future.

My husband stood up to leave and said he has to go because he has more work to do and he's sick. I was standing there at that point and asked why he came if he's sick? The last thing I need is to be more sick than I am, and I don't want our daughter to get sick. He said not physically sick, psychologically sick. Then he left.

I am researching lawyers today and will consult with one hopefully in the next few days. I don't know if I should stop my husband from seeing our daughter or allow him to see her. I guess I need to ask a lawyer. I don't know what's better or worse for her.

In addition to everything else I do wonder what will happen to my husband. Will he really be happy living alone in a big house with no family within a thousand miles after we move? Will dating any girl he can find with the right physical appearance be worth giving up his family for? Will he ever be sorry for what he's done? I feel I don't know anything about him anymore. He's so angry with and annoyed at me but it was his choice to cheat, to leave, and to do all these things. He's talked about how miserable he is in the past, how he doesn't like being married or having a child....is that normal healthy thinking? The only thing that would make sense is that he used me for immigration purposes and now he's "stuck" with financially supporting a family he didn't want. But that's his fault.

It's hard to stop thinking. I've been working on planning for the move and hope to take a lot of actions as soon as I figure out what's wrong with my health (in addition to what I know). I'm sure a big part of my health problems are due to being in this situation but I still need to get a final diagnosis.

Thanks again everyone for your support. I wish I had a group of friends in real life just like all of you!

Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
I cannot imagine having to hear your daughter asking those questions, from his or your side of things. So sad. frown

Stay strong!


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
That's a heartbreaking thing to hear Nicole.

Your H seems confused...that's on him. You can't fix that for him.

As to the father/daughter visitations...if your daughter wants to see him and she's not distressed, I would continue with the arrangement until you've spoken to a lawyer. In later years, you can always say you didn't put a barrier between them. He has and will do that by himself.
If of course she's upset then that's something to think about, long and hard. But unless there's a very strong case against it, I feel she should have some contact with him. That's my opinion, but I'm not in your shoes and walk your road.

I certainly believe your medical issues can be linked to your situation, stress is powerful. Give meditation and maybe other destress exercises a go. Can you find a homeopathic doctor near you that isn't too expensive? Or swimming can be good for distressing and is low impact.

Take care, and don't worry about replying to every post.


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 469
Make sure you love on your baby and tell her that you are always going to be there for her. If she asks why daddy is doing this or that, just say you don't know but you will always be there for her and it will be alright. Just love her.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 177
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 177
Oh Nicole ... Big hug for you.

Of all the hideous things WH has done to me, the one thing I will NEVER forgive him for is how he's hurt my son. My son was three when WH left, and in the first few weeks he cried every night for him. He stopped this and I thought he was getting better, with this famed resiliency that everyone says children have. I had started to say bedtime prayers with my son, because a friend had told me she felt installing a faith that would help her children through tough times was the single greatest thing she could do for them. When we started it was mostly gratitude type things and I would end by asking God to look after us. My son listened to me for a few weeks, and one night he asked if he could say a prayer too. My baby's first prayer? 'God please bring my daddy home.' I wept when I heard it. He prayed this simple prayer for a few weeks, and then he stopped. To this day I feel intense rage and grief when I think of this.

My son is mostly a happy child. And I truly believe this - as a good parent your responsibility is not merely to keep your child safe and happy, but to teach your child how to react to life's blows. Set your little girl up to deal with setbacks and she will always be fine. So in a way, we go before them, to learn the lessons, so we may teach them. It's not all for nothing, this pain.

Originally Posted By: NicoleR
...I do wonder what will happen to my husband.

Frankly, DON'T BOTHER. Yes I am SHOUTING that. You have too much on your plate now. You can promise yourself to worry about him when you are stronger. For the moment, your first and only priority should be your recovery, physically, mentally, psychologically. When you are stronger, you can help your daughter recover and heal and get stronger. At the moment you are in survival mode. That's not a life you can live for very long without damaging yourself. When you're both well established, then you can spare a thought for him.

I read his comment about being 'psychologically sick' as self pitying and perhaps attention seeking. If he truly felt that way, why isn't he seeking help? It's the ones who are psychologically unwell and don't know it who need our prayers.

I don't know if you've gone over to the MLC forum, but they have some amazing stuff and when I was reading your thread I remembered something that might be interesting:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Look to Depression sign 8: unable to handle stress. I thought of this when you described how he shouted at you when you were asking something innocent. In a way, a 'diagnosis' is not helpful - whether MLC-er or not, the general consensus is that we can't do anything to end this experience prematurely. I only thought it might be helpful in rationalising his behaviour, and also for you to adopt the 'brace' position. If hes' a MLC-er, this will be for the long haul, and you might then wish to evaluate your position re divorce.

Can you get a separation agreement instead of a divorce?


Divorced and letting go.
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 29
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 29
Do not do anything that says or implies you are keeping him from his child, and certainly never put anything to that effect in writing. This will come back at you in the worst possible way. Knowing mine is a flake who cares only about himself, I told him from the get go in dozens of texts and emails that he can see the kids whenever he wants. I have been the one to say many times, when are you going to see the kids? If he tries to move for any custody, the status quo and his failure to step up will hurt him.

Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Thank you everyone so much for your advice. This is so helpful. Unfortunately tonight my husband confirmed he wants to get divorced. I don't have the strength to respond more but it seems sometimes no matter what we do (DB, 180, etc..) it's not enough to bring the other person back.

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 29
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,977
Likes: 29
Nicole, mine has been telling me for years he wants a divorce. I have been trying to get him to sign a separation agreement (a custodial and financial settlement) for over a year now that can become the terms of our divorce after the 3 month waiting period. To date he has not filed or returned a single comment to the separation contract. He has now been with OW2 for about 10 months I think. I called him for the first time in 6 months to try to instigate a divorce conversation (which I want but my lawyer advises me not to file because of my situation). I asked repeatedly if there was anything he wanted to discuss, anything at all. He said no.

He may want a divorce, and he may file, and he may see it through. But there are so many stories of people like my H or the ones who start the process and never progress it.

I tell you this not to give you hope (and I think yours sounds like a much bigger dirtbag than mine) but because I don't think him saying this changes anything about your situation. Go on and do what you need to do for you and your child and stop worrying about what he is doing (other than protecting yourself financially).

Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
Oh Nicole, I know that must have hurt and you probably feel paralysing shock, fear and sorrow right now...but Ownit is right.

Keep calm, and look after yourself. You matter...he doesn't right now. Give your daughter a hug and just act as if H has vanished from your heart. He doesn't exist to you at the moment. It's hard, but you are resilient!!

Hugs x


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Thanks so much everyone. I really wish to write more details in response to your responses...they are all helpful and insightful. I still wish there was hope that my husband would realize it's all a big mistake and want to give it one more shot, based on the life we used to have which was loving and supporting, but I don't see it happening. The link about MLC does characterize my husband but he's only 36. The link also doesn't say what someone can do to allow reconciliation to happen. I hesitate to re-order the new DB book since I don't see any hope left. I accidently ordered the old one after losing the new one. I'll just keep trying to move on. I don't know if I have the strength though to actually negotiate the terms of the divorce with my husband at this time so I hope to delay it at least a month or two, although maybe getting it over with is better. I don't know. It's so awful going through this!

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard