Hi all ( the few who i still recognise). Just my yearly update and hopefully to give a 4 year view of the experience. All is good in my world, eldest D turned 18 yesterday and we had a great day. S23 is still working in the company and just got a new motorbike which he is loving. S20 is doing well finished his photography course and is now looking for work. D14 is getting fantastic results at school and has followed in her sisters footsteps as becoming a beautiful caring person. Im very proud of the 4 of them and how they have come through this tough time in their lives. Obviously it doesnt end for them but they have learned to cope and flourish.
I've always said this site was very wise and over the last 4 years I've seen most predictions on here come true. When my Ex left it was for a person that was not her type to put it kindly. My Ex is a college graduate, very strong person and not someone who suffers fools which makes her choice unusual to me. According to SIL thier R ddint start fully until Ex was gone for about 6 months ( i mention this for a reason) . DB advises that these types of R will only last about 2 odd years before the meltdown / reality sets in. DB was correct in my stich. About 6 minths ago i got lots of calls, emails and texts from EXW to say she had been beaten and verbal abused for the last 12 months and had to get a restraining order and her guy was imprisoned. DB always tells us that the WAS can try to reconnect the LBS has moved , again DB is spot on. I got all the apologies that i used to wish for, Ex claimed she wss lost and cant believe she acted as she did. She used the word fog several times. Ex asked for forgiveness and claimed full responsibility ( which is wrong but i appreciate the thought)
All of the above is to show that DB knows what it is talking about and if you can forgive and move forward then standing for your M can be worth it.
As for me im still with my lasy friend, we were on holiday in Iceland juat before xmas and had a great time. I am very lucky to have found her. I was tried on onli
I was online dating for a few months and had a good few dates but no one really felt right until i met her. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is to look at. Way out of my league but i guess i got lucky. Because of my D's i have kept LF ( lady friend) a little bit on the outside as they have been through enough. LF does attend family bdays etc but isnt around the home too much. LF is a yoga instructor and psychotherapist and is very understanding about this.
My D is still ongoing but i hope to have it resolved soon.
Thats the news , as i say DB has it nailed. Follow the advice and you can get through this and enjoy your life again.
Thank you for your update Always great to see the LBS doing sop well no matter the condition of the MLCer
MLCers all seem to go in the same direction--down it usually takes a few years for them to hit a rock bottom some will recover, I believe many will never recover Hopefully your W will continue to get help and grow up to become a better person
LBS do seem to also follow a path sounds like you are happy with your LF and have fully moved on and your kids are all doing well- That seems to be the place many LBS will get to in time-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks Geordie, Btrow, yes i would most definitely call it an affair down , guy was an alcoholic, un employed, bi polar and about 5'4" with tattoos and 80s skinhead haircut and the demeanor of an angry little man. Ex is a slim, good looking person with a degree and an intelligent person. It was a shock to see this guy and a bit embarrassing to be honest. ( Ego , i know) I'm no George Clooney ( far from it) but i suppose each to their own. Her family would have nothing to do with her guy and ex lost the kids over him . I would have bet my house that Ex would never let any person raise a hand to her ( and rightly so) so i was stunned to hear she had been hit by this guy for almost 12 months. I can't stress how stunned i was. So , yes , i would call it a step down.
Peacetoday, i have moved on and i never thought I would. It took me quite to realise it was over and to put it behind me. I think the loss of ' the idea' of Ex was worse than losing Ex. I was far from perfect so i have to accept my part in the demise of the M. These days I do feel sorry for her loss of R with the kids but they have made their choice for now and thats that. Again , DB is the way, whatever you decide re standing or moving forward from the M , the basics are here to read. Its tough and takes time but letting go of expectations and living your life is the key. I read posts on here still and you still see people years later living in their past and suffering from it, as an example , Ex doesn't know about LF, a few years back i would have been going out of my way to make sure Ex saw LF because as attractive as Ex is , LF would have blown her mind , now i wouldn't do anything either way to affect Ex, i just want to live my life and hopefully we will all move forward to happiness again in the best way each of us chooses.
Take care, Rd
Last edited by rd500; 02/14/1907:17 PM. Reason: Edit
Hey RD! Really glad to see an update from you my friend!! I haven't posted for a while myself, but I do occasionally read along and will post an update soon. I'm so glad to hear that life is going well for you - and that the kids are thriving and you have a good relationship with your lady friend. I agree with Gordie that success comes in many forms and ultimately how our lives unfold through this (unasked for) journey is up to us.
Actually, what it can do is really stock up our toolbox and we emerge pretty resilient, grounded and grateful people. My heart aches to read about your ex though. I recall reading once that if you feel you are in some pain, it would be worse to be the MLCer. And in your situation that is so true - to have lost your security, kids, to be beaten. We would never want this for ourselves and it just shows how lost people can become. And it is a hard road back from there - not everyone takes that turn.
Anyway, just like us - she can only 'do' for herself. And I know you will be kind RD, whatever her choices. For anyone who doesn't know RD, he is the online friend who 'sat' with me the night my divorce papers came through - a kindness I shan't forget. Be well RD and enjoy the many blessings life has to offer. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Sotto, great to see you post , would love to see how you are living your life. Thanks for the kind words but i could never could nepay yourself ( and others) regarding your wisdom and support. I still think your one of the strongest people i have ever met. And the charming thing about you is you often don't see your own strength and dont ever acknowledge it either. I'm not saying moving forward was easy for you because i know from our emails you had tough times but your strength and drive to deal with it was inspiring.
This experience does add to our toolbox and i believe as hard as it is , we are forced to take a look at ourselves and how we deal with relationships. I still stand by how the MLCer does end up feeling. If i shared some of her emails you would be in tears because her reality is far from what she expected. I know i have said it before but if you had known Ex you firstly had be stunned that she left the kids , then stunned by her choice of partner and then simply amazed that she got in a situation where someone laid their hands on her more than once. She was a very strong and confident lady and truly must be lost that she found herself in her situation. We dont really communicate anymore except for an email every 6 weeks that i send to update her on the kids.
I look forward to hear your news and thanks for posting, take care , Rd xx
Hi all , not really an update but more on how following this site's advice can be the saving of you and possibly your marriage. I won't re hash my sitch but when i first came here i was fortunate enough to be advised by members and experts alike. When you arrive you are in a terrible place and despair , pain etc can cloud your thoughts and judgement. I saw people had been on here for years and it shocked me because i thought i wouldnt be one of those but the reality is this takes time , either to heal and move forward or stand for your M. This post is more for those who are standing ( which i didn't). The site talks alot about the fog of WAS and i got an email a few days ago from Exw , she is now a year into counselling and she told she feels she has now emerged from a fog. She is full of regret and apologies and is trying to get her life back on track.
My post is to re affirm this sites guidance. Almost everything it tells us has happened in my case and if i had decided to stand i believe that there may have been a future for the M.
So again , follow the sites advice , get a life , work on you and re your spouse , follow the sage words from the site.
Just wanted to encourage those that may be standing or not. Life does get better , this is a huge change but it is now here so it must be dealt with and you finding this site is a huge advantage.