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Originally Posted By: JujuB
Yup. Both were confident men. Both were gaslighting. So why am i susceptible to that? Why did i let them dictate my reality? What do i do to prevent that from happening again? .


I looked to these types of men to soothe my distress and anxiety. Sweet sadness JellyB always welcomes being taken care of; confident (arrogant) men look like they have their sh** handled. Likely they could help me handle mine too or would take care of mine for me.

I looked to these men because of never trusted the world, trusted myself or my own judgement. People like me have few boundaries and rely on other's sense of the world to tell them what is right or wrong for them. However I always knew these men were not right for me because of the level of emotional distress I was in. I was in so much distress with these men, hoping they would fix "the problem" or would fix "my feelings" that I never fully took charge of my own emotions and feelings. Learning to self soothe and manage my own anxiety and stress has allowed me to be more fully present in my own life and relationship.

PS Addicts tend to like drama and anxious people can bring a lot of drama. So easy to point the finger at someone else to distract from their actions and behaviours.

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Originally Posted By: JujuB
Yup. Both were confident men. Both were gaslighting. So why am i susceptible to that? Why did i let them dictate my reality? What do i do to prevent that from happening again?

On a side note. One thing i notice in my ex, and patients that i come across who i am pretty sure have substance abuse issues, and even 1 guy i met up with once from OLD...they all had similar eyes. They make small talk. Are polite. But their eyes are reptilian like. No warmth in them. Hard to describe. Do you know what im talking about? That OLD guy. Reminded me of my ex. And i was right. He admitted to me he had a problem in past and things he said indicated he still could.


I know what you mean. The frontal lobe is damaged from drugs or alcohol, which impacts their emotional abilities.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
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EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
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There are a number of different types of dead eye syndrome.

The first is pure evil, the unego masked abuser, who seriously wants to do harm. It can come with a smirk like a reptile. It's unnerving. Generally it's observed once the abuser is unmasked as they can't be bothered to use the energy. Before that the eyes are lambent and the term for the unmasked eye is scoptophilia. In the first the abuser seduces and hypnotised the target by mirroring the targets own emotions back at them, in the second there is no emotion, it's the amygdala at fault. The abuser has all their higher cortex executive functions and the deadness is when they know you know and they don't care, so they don't bother to even hide it. If they think they have pulled one over on you then you will get dupers delight. A serious smug smile, although in general most abusers don't care even to smile that way. These types of abusers don't feel in the first place. This is them without their mask.

The second type is the brain damaged by nature, drugs and alcohol where micro expressions are flat. Affect is flat, higher mental functioning is suppressed. The eyes are expression are cold and pupils inappropriate. It is as Painter says cortex damaged. The lights are on but no one is home. This can be frightening if you get between the addict and the addiction. This person had or still has the capacity to have feelings and emotions but can't access them. All focus is in on the addiction.

The final type is the super empath or lover in love mode. The eyes will seem to look right through you, they will be large (micro expression large, not size) and they are evaluative and adoring. The mouth is largely smiling and there are soft lines around the eyes. The first type above mimics these eyes or mirrors them back to you. The second type above can't do that the link to their emotion is gone sometimes temporarily and sometimes the damage is permanent.

That's how I explain it to myself. The truth lies in the micro expressions. I hope that helps.

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You may note Ju I said confidence not confident.

That was deliberate on my part.

The mask is confident (almost bravado) and the effect is confidence. It tricks you.

Confidence born of arrogance is a mask, a facade presented to the outside world. It is often referred to as the ego. It is how the person wishes themself to be seen.

Colloquially defined :

The part of you that defines itself as a personality, separates itself from the outside world, and considers itself (read: you) a separate entity from the rest of nature and the cosmos. Perhaps necessary for survival in some evolutionary bygone, in modern times it leads only to (albeit often disguised) misanthropic beliefs and delusion.

The question therefore is why did after having one experience, did you fall for a second? And would that happen again?

You are mapped for a certain type of mate, we all are. That mapping can change if you know what it is. Uncovering a mask isn't easy though, but it can be done before you invest in an R. The answer isn't to stand distant, the answer is to query close up before investing time.

Your mind and body may hang on to the trauma to protect you, this can be dealt with. Otherwise it will keep getting in the way, to prevent you from reverting to old patterns. It will be ok, you will get through it. You will put your role in place then it will move through your body to be behind you.

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V 64, WAW


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Trauma bonding. I did not know that term but it fits so well regarding my 2 past relationships. With my ex, trauma feels like a better term. EX was detached, did not work as a partner, lied about finances but it doesnt feel like abuse. But definitly trauma.

Im now in the process of letting go from the trauma. I dont feel attached to my ex, i never knew him. But definitly to the trauma. Friends have pointed out to me how unhealthy it is. I do get triggers.

V, thank you for giving me the vocabulary for what i am holding on to. It makes more sense. And i have been trying for so long to make sense of things.

On a side note. I feel so positive about my new relationship. He just has done everything right. I am being courted and it is so so so nice. This was the best valentines day ever for me. Jewelry, we celebrated twice at 2 restaurants. He likes to talk and spend time with me. we seem to want the same things regarding future. He wants some one to grow old with. Many men at this age dont. And hes funny, down to earth, and shares similar morals.


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And so he should.

You are a great catch you know that!

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Past few days, i have been feeling a bit depressed. I am not happy with my life right now. And im gonna write all this out and then feel guilty later for sounding so whiny and unappreciative.

I wanted another child. I am 40 now and feeling so sad that i was never able to give my son a sibling.

I was so stupid. I went to school, got a career, gave my ex tons of time. Never pressured him for marriage. Felt like we had continued time. Never pressured him to invest in a house. And now look.

My big mistake in life was choosing the wrong partner.

I cant move to a more affordable area because of sons father. Sons father will be inheriting his moms house while she lives in a warmer state. So not fair.

Now i am without security without a house, without a safety net and all i have is my young son, who i basically raise on my own. He is my life. And i am so so grateful and in love with him.

What do i have that makes me a catch? I wish i was 10 years younger when my ex did this to me.

I have legitimate concerns that men my age will only want to date me. Not form a blended family. Not be capable of loving my son. I dont blame them but i also dont want to waste my time if thats the case. But they are not always honest. Or living in lala land in the beginning.

I dont necessarily know if this is true of the person i am dating right now. Or one of my anxieties. He has indicated this was not the case for him and knew about my situation and woukd have never dated me if that was the case. But i worry that maybe he is one of those passive aggressive "nice guys"

But i do get the vibe that guys like me in the beginning. Looks (for my age), career, i am easy going and logical and not demanding. I am very honest from the beginning. And then they say in their minds "oh sh!t. Shes a nice girl but its not fair for me to take that on"
And i feel used.

Years ago i was in a divorce.care group. And this beautiful mom of 2 young kids came in crying because the man she was dating for 8 months ended things because he didnt want to pursue a life with her kids.

He knew she had them when he first started dating her. And i knew he was using her because she was beautiful, smart and really sweet and then bailed when things were no longer new and exciting and blamed the circumstance.

And then we waste 6 months maybe a year of this and im only getting older.

I hate my ex. Hes a selfish pig.


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I think i need to give up on the life i wanted. I wanted the traditional life. White picket fence, dog, 2 kids and someone to grow old with. My patents had that. Most of my family had that.

I have to realize that a family is not really in the cards.

Maybe just travel, be the cool easy going mom.

I tend to have more fun and seek out more when im single anyway. I take better care of myself too.


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Juju,

I wish I had some incredible words of wisdom, but I think I am where you are at right now. I feel the loss of the things that were taken away from me by marrying the man I married. Yes, I am better off without him, but I wish to God it didn't have to be between having a crappy H or no H at all.

All my R's start off great too, the guy is really into me, and they can still stay they are still into me, but they can't handle the sacrifices they realize they would have to make when sh!t gets real.

In the same breath, and ready for this, one big reason I have a hard time with this current guy is because he cannot understand what my life is like. I actually feel an ounce of resentment that the man actually has pretty much no responsibilities (his mom still does his laundry) except to work, and he doesn't even do that right now. Because he doesn't know what it's like to have to be fully responsible for anything other than himself, I really don't think it could work. Here I am not wanting to be with a guy because he doesn't have kids, when there are guys who wouldn't want to be with me because I do have a kid.

Enough about me. But I do agree, a step in moving past this is giving up on the life we wanted. Taking the life we were handed and making it the best we can. I kind of figure when my D10 is 18, it's my time. It's my time to travel, make my career decisions on me, and really embrace life. ANd I may even find a partner who wants to do that with me.

I empathize with your resentment, I really do. I have it too.

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JujuB,

You have bad case of the LBS flu. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat right, and do all of the other things people tell you to do.

But, if you're really feeling down, just think about me. I wanted to be a Jewish comedian; it didn't happen. I'm not Jewish and I'm not funny. Then, I wanted to be a female porn star. That would require transgender operations and I'm old and ugly so that got nixed. After that, I wanted to be a black rap star. You guessed it, I'm not black, I can't carry a tune, I can't rhyme and I can't dance. Oh poo!

Now, I've decided to become president of the United States. It's actually beginning to look more and more probable. My campaign slogan is "doodler for president!" Woo hoo!

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