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PsySara, I have so much sympathy for you and those feelings you describe sound so familiar. To some extent the loneliness is to blame. The loss of a partner and void that can't be filled, and not having time to socialize much with people your age because you're a mom with young kids. It's difficult. There's no easy way out except if you have the option of reducing your work hours temporarily perhaps you'd benefit from some free time while the kids are in school during the day. I'm still struggling a lot myself but I'm trying to re-train my brain a little bit to think into the future. I can barely breath knowing my husband is enjoying his life with his young girlfriend while I lost everything and have to start from zero. But then I try to remind myself that my husband may have temporary happiness with his girlfriend but there's a high chance they won't be together forever, or at least not this happy forever. I try to think that I may have lost the beautiful house where I was supposed to live and it feels like I'll never live in a nice place again, but I've met people who were divorced a long time ago and now live in their own house. So I'm trying hard to have enough patience to let this stage pass even though I'm still barely making it through a lot of days. I'd like to try a low dose of Zoloft but I'm also moving in three weeks and will be close to friends and will start working again, so I'm thinking to hold off. I also have some hope that once my daughter and I are far away from my husband that he may feel the loss just a little bit. That's my thought process. It's not a great one, but I guess it's helpful to compare notes at least.

Most of my friends are physicians and my husband is one too. Tonight I was at the ER all night with my friend who just delivered a baby yesterday and her husband had to stay home with the baby and her other kid. The doctors and nurses were so busy and stressed. I honestly don't know how you do it with three kids. Don't you feel physical pain in your back and legs by the time you go to bed at night? Don't you feel lightheaded or dizzy? How do you even find time to eat or shower? It's amazing that you're doing all this. I wish you had a husband to tell you how awesome you are. I wish everyone could see what a hero you are. But you, like many moms and professionals, are doing their jobs quietly with very little recognition.

I had a difficult job and when I was in my 20's I have one uncle who said one day "I felt sorry for you." All those years growing up I didn't think anyone noticed, but it turns out someone did! I hope someone special in your life notices what you're going through and makes a special effort to help you get through it. Sometimes we need some special person during times like these. You need a real life angel for what you're enduring!

I hope you'll pass this stage and will someday have your husband begging at your feet for forgiveness and will either set your own tough conditions or you will have already found someone new by that time.

Take care and get some rest!

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Correction - I meant to say "I had a difficult childhood...."

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So things are hanging in limbo for 6 more days. If WH doesn't respond to the served papers then I file for default and things proceed forward. I received an email that the court date for the case management in mid April (we have to present our financial affidavit, the parenting course and I provide proof that DD7 has been registered for a special divorce parent class.) It's actually scheduled on my birthday, kind of mixed feelings about that.

WH continues to act like a controlling but lazy @ss. He tried to pick a fight about the sliding glass door again. HE said it wasn't "locked" properly, I had already pulled on it very hard. Of course when I tried to point out that it was definitely locked he snapped at me and then stomped out of the room and went to bed. I can't wait for him to no longer be here, I will be able to relax in my own home.

As far as I can tell he has not gone to a lawyer or even opened the mail from the family court. He's in a for a NASTY surprise if thinks the judge will be lenient on him about not having his documentation or work done before the court date. Of course he doesn't even know about the court date because he has not opened his mail. I've made an appointment with my CPA to get my financial affidavit prepared before the court date. I signed up DD7 for her class (it's 4 days before the court date) and I've done my online parenting class. I just want this to be over with, I can honestly say I've tried everything in the book to save this marriage but can't force WH to do the right thing.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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PsySara, that's just bizarre that your husband hasn't taken any action. If he told you himself a while back that he doesn't want the marriage then you'd think he'd be actively participating in the divorce. When do you expect him to actually move out? When the divorce is finalized?

It really does sound like you've tried everything. It seems it's either divorce or endless years stuck in the same cycle and divorce may be harder in the short-term but it seems you are ready to move on and you have the confidence to know you do have a shot at meeting someone else if you ever wish. I hope this does pass quickly for you. Do you have anything planned for when the divorce is final, like a vacation?

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PsySara Offline OP
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I've asked WH to move out in the past and he made it clear he would not move out until the divorce was final. In the meantime I've been working some extra shifts on the weekend to pay off some debt. Once I am completely on my own I will be investing in some stocks as well as being more aggressive about getting my retirement/savings squared away.

Today was the day that it goes to default, I emailed my lawyer last night so she would file as soon as the deadline hit. I also managed my financial affidavit yesterday and requested that our taxes be filed married but separate. We owe a sizable debt this year to the IRS and my part is only 1/3rd. WH is so weird, he is so savvy about investments but doesn't seem to get tax law. He actually thought we would get a return. I already knew our combined income mixed with his capital gains would make us owe. WH freaked out when he realized how much he owed. His financial decisions (he owns 6 motorcycles, 2 cars to just himself) have been disastrous these last 2 years. Meanwhile I have bought some nice things but mostly have aggressively been paying off my student loans from medical school.

Things are tense, we barely speak, keep it to household things as well as kids but he will look at anywhere but me. I can't remember the last time he made eye contact to talk to me. It's fairly clear he is back inside his own head and playing the victim. He's off this week with the kids during their spring break. I came home to a wrecked house, the kids still in their jammies and found out they only ate pancakes and ice cream. DD7 said they basically stayed indoors and played on ipads. DS2 was still down for a nap at 5 pm when I walked in the door. I was pissed. Now he will be up half the night and I will have to manage the dinner/bathtime routine/etc., while he "goes to work to sign some paperwork." I can't wait to no longer be married to this manbaby.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Originally Posted By: PsySara
He's off this week with the kids during their spring break. I came home to a wrecked house, the kids still in their jammies and found out they only ate pancakes and ice cream. DD7 said they basically stayed indoors and played on ipads. DS2 was still down for a nap at 5 pm when I walked in the door. I was pissed. Now he will be up half the night and I will have to manage the dinner/bathtime routine/etc., while he "goes to work to sign some paperwork." I can't wait to no longer be married to this manbaby.


Sara,

These comments touched a sensitive spot with me. The way your are feeling and thinking sounds like how my xW felt and thought about me sometimes. Men are not perfect, we are different. Don't be angry, there are better days ahead for you and your children.

(((Sara)))


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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PsySara Offline OP
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I am not expecting perfection but he has done this the entirety of our marriage. He begged for each child and then left me to do 90% of the childcare. Now that he wrecked our marriage and still acts like an @ss I can't really see any reason to give him excuses for his shoddy behavior. Yesterday I came home and the kids had only eaten breakfast (it was 5 pm) and they were melting down because he couldn't be bothered to actually give them a snack. This angers me because it is more of the same, his immature and inconsiderate behavior. Meanwhile he is cold and grunts answers at me, his contempt is evident in that he can't even show me the respect of eye contact and speaking in normal tones.

He is passive in the divorce too, it's been defaulted because he did not respond when he was served. His mail is piled up on the counter and includes the court date for mid-April and he hasn't opened it or read it. He leaves messes around the house and then criticizes how I clean (meanwhile he cleans nothing) and then critiques how I run the house. I am literally counting the hours until the divorce is final and I can show him the front door.

I find myself very angry that I chose him for a husband and to be the father of my children. He is lazy, mean and immature. The cheating really was the straw that broke the camel's back. Now he is flirting with females at his work and coming home and giving me shark eyes. I should have filed for divorce the minute I found out he was cheating.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Oct 2017
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PsySara, you have to admire people who file for divorce immediately when the first problem arises in their marriage because they know they just can't tolerate whatever it was (cheating, lying, etc..). On the other hand, when we marry, we're supposed to commit for life and divorce is technically supposed to the be the last option, not the first. At least you know you left it as the last option in your case. Your conscience should be clean and by suffering through all that you know for sure what you can and can't tolerate from the start in a future relationship. You also did this for your kids' sake. I admire you from everything that I've read here. I think you did the right thing.

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Seems he is a bit extreme.

Agree with you, the straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she left in my marriage, when I filed for D I should have kept going on it in the first place. But I agree with NicoleR, you have done everything you can and confidently walkaway.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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So sorry that you have to go through another ordeal, he is really trying everything to make you snapped. Take a deep breath and document how he manages the kids while you are not at home(in writing and in pictures). How long do you think, it might take until the first hearing? Can they ask him to move out?


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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