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PsySara Offline OP
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WH was served today. When he told me that I was a bit surprised as my lawyer said they would coordinate the time with me. Oh well, onward and upward.

WH said I was still invited to go with him and the kids to WDW where they will be meeting some of his family. I politely declined. WH went on to say he was worried I would be home and lonely and he felt guilty. I told him I was looking forward to a weekend to myself, I truly am.

He started asking me what he was supposed to do but I shut that down and said he could seek legal counsel or go pro se. He seems to be leaning towards pro se which would be awesome for me as it would make for a swift divorce without $$$$. I am mostly STFUing and hoping he continues his passive method as it means a tactical advantage for me. He also started looking for places to rent nearby so the kids could stay in the same neighborhood regardless of which parent has them. I think he would start out with a bang but then end up being an EOW dad. He just doesn't have the stamina to parent half time. I'm not bringing it up, rather I will document his time spent (or not spent) with the kids on his days/weeks and readdress full legal custody in a year.

For now the kids are completely oblivious and I wish I could keep it that way. I think we will have him move out in steps until it seems a bit organic. I spend most of the time with them on the day-to-day basis so it will probably end up being background. One can hope anyways.

Lately I feel mostly just DONE with him. I need my home to be my safe place and right now it isn't. I need the eggshells to disappear. I also look forward to having friends over more often as WH made that virtually impossible as he hates visitors.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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I wish you great peace psy.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Sara, you're a very strong person. I admire that you feel 'done.' I still miss my husband terribly. I wish I could lose that feeling. I hope your husband makes the divorce easy and fast. That'll be great if he lives nearby. I really wonder though how he'll feel when he's actually gone, living alone in an apartment away from the warmth and comfort of his family? Sounds depressing for him. I hope you and your kids will enjoy all the times you have people over and can have fun in your home without anyone bringing you down. It's good that you see positives in this situation. It seems you'll adjust quickly since you've already been through so much agony.

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PsySara Offline OP
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Nicole,
I miss the man I thought I married, but that man no longer exists or is so deeply suppressed he may never appear again.

WH came home today from WDW. We were cordial and chatted briefly. WH mentioned how hard it was taking care of the kids by himself but also complimented how well behaved the children were. The kids were in a serious need of a bath as well as DD7 needed her hair done. I tossed all three of them in the shower, scrubbed them down and unpacked all the children's things. They are now fresh smelling and exhausted.

WH awkwardly brought up how his family was asking when "we" would come visit. (the main reason I didn't want to go, I knew he'd punt that in my direction) He also mentioned that one of his aunts wants him to go to their place at the end of the month to screen a prospective groom for his cousin. My left eye brow raised in irony, how can he determine who is a good candidate for marriage when his M is being dissolved? His lack of insight is shocking to me even now.

Eventually WH excused himself and went to take a nap. Meanwhile I am still basking in the afterglow of a solid weekend all to myself. I started reading a new book, went out for meals with friends, bought some new clothes and then did some Spring cleaning. WH even commented how nice the place smelled and looked when he came home. I had a GREAT time and look forward to the occasional weekend to just do Sara. WH texted multiple times asking if I was ok. He said he felt guilty I was "alone and lonely" but I assured him I was neither. I felt like he was projecting his own issues with being alone on me, who knows?

This weekend showed me I would be ok with being a divorced woman. Furthermore I would thrive and probably get to unfold my wings for the first time in many years. I sense WH wants to broach reconsidering the D as he was faced with a bit of reality. I am at the point where I feel I need to D him. If he wants to woo me back post-D then he can give it a try. But unless I see 180 from him it's not going to happen. I've given too much of myself to go backwards again.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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It seems that you reached an important step on your journey to reclaim your own life/respect. Finally, you are seeing how truly strong you are and that your own worth is not tied to what he thinks of you.

Let him face the reality on his own, meanwhile keep unfolding your wings to embrace that new freedom.

Yes, he might try to make you change your mind on the D because the way he was living had more pluses than minuses for him, but if he does ask yourself that important question "Does it do it because the discomfort and the hassle that the D will bring to his life are making his new life " way too uncomfortable " or because he had a truth change of heart/mind?"

Real change requires a lot of self motivation and time.

You really made me laughed about his aunt asking him about his opinion on the screening of a prospective groom. Maybe he didn't mention his current marital status to his aunt because he knows it won't look good for his image and he is not ready to explain why.

Take care, having a peaceful home is a gift.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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PsySara Offline OP
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Things continue to move slowly. WH called his-parents and told them HE was divorcing ME. I was like, WTF? He told thmem it was because we fight too much. I calmly asked him why he lied and he said he was afraid of the embarrassment. Same sh!t, different day. Ho-hum. His mom calls him every day crying and asking him to stop the divorce as she is worried about how this will make the family look. See the trend here? Don't worry about actually working on the real problem, your son being a cheater, but let's save face at all cost. (His mother knows he cheated because I called her shortly after and told her)

WH has been served over a week now but he has not responded. He keeps putting off actually reading the papers. If he drags his feet more than 20 days after being served then I can move for default. It would be typical for him to just sit there and get passively divorced, he never did like actually doing things he would not directly benefit from.

We continue to be cordial and impersonal. We had a R discussion the other night where he stated he felt we were getting divorced because I could not forgive him for the affairs. I clarified it was because he refused to do any of the work to make me feel safe and he had told me bluntly he felt no remorse. He seemed surprised by this. I was surprised his skull was much thicker than my original estimate.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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Apparently, he sticks to his own side of the story... this is sad but it reinforces that your decision to file was the right one to made.

He is surprised by your stand because that the first time in so many years that you are actually standing to your decision and none of his "R talks" are making you change your mind. His little mind games are not working anymore. His power on you wore off.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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Sarah, I'm so sorry you are enmeshed in this!

Sometimes we need to be grateful for the clarity the idiotic behavior can reveal.

Sounds harsh but think about it. If he seemed to be working on things, you'd be confused and torn.

But he's not. His choices could not be much clearer than saying he feels no remorse, and lies even now. It's like saying "and I will do it again and not care..." Because even now he's not sorry for what he did, he MAY be sorry for the cost to HIM...

Even now...

ugh but good for you. Clarity...it's a start.

and don't worry about IF or WHEN he responds to the filing.

A default judgement is fine! Talk about clarity


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PsySara Offline OP
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I find myself adrift. I can't find my center, my sense of self. I've been having a really down day. I didn't take the kids to Islamic school today, I just kept breaking down in tears at random moments and didn't want to be at the mosque when this happened.

I looked at WH this evening and felt such a sense of loss and emptiness. This dark sadness permeates me today, blackening out my ability to be optimistic. Maybe this is a hormonal thing or just me realizing the new normal. I am not happy at work right now and continue to put my feelers out for a more supportive work place. My time is very constrained with a large workload and then the evening jobs of child care. GAL is difficult when you have three little ones in tow.

I wish life were different. I wish my path had not gone in this direction. I think I need to consider restarting antidepressants.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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(((HUGS)))

Sarah, you are grieving the loss of your marriage, that sadness is somehow normal, it's painful and I totally get it when you are talking about breaking down in tears, I went through that phase after OW2, I was a wreck. I went to see my GP and he prescribed me AD for just a few months but they helped me to function on a daily basis so I could take care of my kids. So if you think you need them, take them, there is nothing wrong about asking for help, you are going through a very difficult time right now and remember you are human not super human. You need to take care of yourself not only for you but for your kids.

You are right now in a phase of grieving but also in a phase of healing, you are very fragile and you need to recover from the massive earthquake that you went through, so stop pushing yourself to do everything as usual, it's ok to skip/cancel some activities/obligations if they are not vital. Burn out is a real thing, specially for women, just do what is strictly necessary. May be ask him to help you, at least it will give him a taste of what he will have to do if you share custody and if he refuses, take notes of it. Remember you will have to coparent with him for many years to come. May be send him a plan where one day you care for the kids and the next day that's his turn... or something else...

GAL is not easy with 3 kids, so instead of going out to see your friends, they can come to visit you or if you have a good friend, call her/him on a regular basis. And sometimes, Gal could be just doing nothing at home, watching a good movie with a nice ice cream. Also, ask him to take care of the kids


You wrote about a new job closer to your home a few weeks ago, any news about it...


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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