This will be brief as I am still tired from the surgery I underwent yesterday. My cousin took me for my surgery and I had WH go to work because he's been known to be overbearing and curt before any family undergoes surgery. WH was very attentive all day yesterday, he texted me constantly while I was in pre-op, telling me he loved me and that I was very brave and strong. The operation went off without a hitch and the recovery was no where near as painful as previous operations I underwent (gall bladder removal, cardiac ablation, etc.,) WH was there as soon as I woke and stroking my head, kissing my forehead and asking how I felt. Afterward we went by the pharmacy and picked up Tramadol for pain and also picked up dinner.
I was still very sleepy from the anesthesia and spent the evening dozing on and off while WH handled child care. I am home today recovering with the plan to return to work tomorrow. I am lucky in that my job is not physically demanding and I have a good support staff. WH was attentive today before going to work and has been texting and checking in on me. He's never been like this before after my operations. I have hope he is eventually going to learn to be a good husband. I think for some people remorse doesn't happen overnight, it is only through time and seeing the person in front of you that it starts to sink in their worth and how close you came ot losing them. My shields are still up and I continue to observe WH for consistency.
Thank you all my well wishers and your prayers, they have been invaluable.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It's good to hear it went ok! Your husband's support is definitely an added bonus! It sounds amazing to have a husband who says you're brave and who is attentive. By the way gallbladder removal and cardiac ablation are two procedures I've anticipated over the past ten years and still believe I may need someday but hope to avoid. If you've been through those, plus have had several kids, plus the procedure yesterday it seems you've been through it all. Plus with everything you've endured in your marriage it seems life can only get better from here!
DD turned 7 today and I bought an ice cream cake, balloons and presents for DD. Right now all three of the kids are in the toy room playing with DD's new toys. I am still tired and sore but healing. WH and I have had to work long hours recently as the holidays usually see an uptick in admissions so we haven't had much quality time, which is my LL. We also can't have any sex until I am healed from surgery so that's out too.
I find myself wanting more from my marriage. But I have to fight my impulse to push WH into giving me what I want. I feel like I need to have a sit-down talk so we can reconnect as life has been getting int he way recently. I want intimacy on an emotional level. I want to feel close and kind of get inside his skin, lol. This weekend the kids will be at my mother's home so I may have WH sit down and cuddle with me while we talk.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Just making it through surgery this week is an accomplishment. That's also so great and fun to celebrate your daughter's birthday. Your kids must be on holiday break now right?
I hope with the time this weekend you'll be able to connect with your husband. Sounds like it could be an important weekend since it'll give you insight into what he's thinking if you can spend that time alone together. With everything you wrote recently there'd be no reason to believe your husband wouldn't want the emotional intimacy you do. If it goes well this weekend then maybe you'll be officially on the path towards full reconciliation. Or at least you'll have the feeling that this positive trajectory has been sustained long enough to mean something. Good luck!
Hi PsySara, I've been AWOL lately but I'm hoping to have plenty of time this next week to get caught up on your sitch.
I just wanted to take a second to stop in and say Happy Holidays to you, and that you have been a true inspiration to me this last year. May 2018 bring more peace and joy to us all!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Thanks for stopping by guys, I appreciate it. Things are good and things are bland. We haven't really got to have any break through moments but we have had a lot of nice moments. The kids have been enjoying their time off from school and I've been working and then enjoying the laid back atmosphere at home. I find myself in my self imposed limbo. WH has been honest with me (even when the truth isn't "good") and says he also is missing that "spark." WE're not trying to force it but I find myself hungry for natural affection. WH has been commenting here and there on my appearance but things seem stilted between us.
I don't know...I just don't know what to do now. Things are so much better between us but we're more like friendly roommates than a loving married couple. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever recover from his affair? Will he ever come to remorse and will I be able to move past it. Mind movies still happen sometimes and I get so angry. I stopped lashing out but now sadness just permeates my bones when I think about us. It will never be the same, and I mean that in the sense that I felt we were special. I thought I was special to him and irreplaceable. I know that isn't true anymore, that he can simply replace me with someone younger and more malleable. I wish I knew someone in real life that was able to recover their marriage and ask them how they were able to feel that sense of...fate? for each other? Forgive me while I just journal my thoughts about my musings.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Some of what you're talking about, like the feeling of being roommates, sounds normal even for a married couple with a few kids who didn't have major problems. Nevertheless, it's true that it will never be the same again. It's like you need to re-set your expectations and find solace in knowing that he still wanted you even after you both went through those dark times. And you still wanted him. The divorce didn't happen because you both saw something worth saving, right? You're keeping your family in-tact and you're giving your kids the best that you can - a home with their mom and dad. It seems like things may not be as great but they're not as bad as they could be. It seems you made the right choice to give it another shot. This might be the best it can be for now.
I also wish to know couples who overcame these situations. I feel like at some point there needs to be acceptance for each other not being as great as what you thought they once were. It's hard to forget all those bad memories. And hard to achieve moments where the love and attraction you had to each other previously is greater or better than before. A lot of how you feel probably depends on the level of effort your husband puts in to trying to fix things and make you feel better. Is he still offering extra reassurance like he was a few weeks ago?
I still have nightmares about my husband's affairs and then wake up and realize he's gone which is like an ongoing real nightmare. If he ever came back and wanted to fix things, how could I ever do it? The only way I feel would be to accept that the wonderful life we started building together is gone and what we'd rebuild may be something totally different, like just a practical life together where we play different roles to support each other. I doubt the love would ever be the same.
It seems like you need a little more time to see how it goes. I'm sure there are many others here who are not in the middle of a crisis who will have much better feedback. I hope there is still a chance of you and your husband recovering what you had before!
What an excellent post and point. This is where I think many A's happen. When they feel the spark is gone and life and kids get in the way..... they go out searching in other places looking for that spark. But life happens. Sara, the way your H handled that was awful. He did what a lot of people did, look for it elsewhere. And maybe, right now, at this point in your lives, it's not going to be there.
I raised my daughter without a partner, since he decided that he didn't want the same person to be the wife and parent of his child. He was attention hungry. There was no neglect on my part either. He remarried at 31 and did not want kids with her, even though she had none, and he has his own barely a third of the time. So, I never really had to balance every day life with pleasing a partner. I was simply raising my kid on my own.
But I see it happening all around me in real life. expecting marriage to be as it was when you were newleyweds with no kids. it's just not a reality. I long for the comfort of just knowing a partner is there, to share kid responsibilities, to do things as a family, and when the kdis are asleep, maybe just lay on my husbands shoulder in my jammies and watch some TV. To me, that's romance, because I never had it.
When was the last time you felt this spark, Sara? Were kids in the picture? Were demanding careers in the picture?
Maybe just really sit down and think about what you are missing in this R. And would it be the same way if there was never infidelity, it was just a season of life?
I think you are both trying to reach for something that perhaps is unrealistic at this time. Instead of seeing exactly what you have right in front of you.
Nicole, We are kind of at the place where BluWave was about a year ago, I think. I am finally getting back some normalcy and routine and starting to process the last two years. My thoughts are going in directions I don't like and I find myself wondering why I fought so hard for someone who disrespected me so much for so long. Our marriage was lackluster before DD#1 and I find WH slipping into his routine behaviors. I just wish he'd jump through some hoops or something. I am very ambivalent about my feelings toward WH right now. While he is being very kind he is not really touching me at all. He's honest in that he isn't drawn to me as physically as previously. He thinks it's because he is struggling with the guilt of giving me a cancer causing STD which I am undergoing treatment for.I am trying to be patient but I kind of want that swept off my feet feeling.
Ginger, I feel like the last time I felt the spark was even before we married. Afterward he started residency and became a bit of an @sshole. He started out in surgical residency and was a gunner. It was at the cost of our family too. He ended up switching to internal medicine and things got a little better. Most of our marriage has been WH being perpetually unhappy. I wa "I want to be a surgeon" or "I want to go into Interventional Cardiology." These were things that would take enormous time away from the family. Whenever he would chase a dream and it didn't come to fruition he would become moody and withdrawn. Now he seems happy with his family and while work is fulfilling, he's no longer chasing dreams that would destroy his family. I am grateful for that and this is more of an internal struggle for me.
Is this is a season of life? Maybe? I am not making any sudden moves and still working on DBing.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara, I can relate because my husband already left and returned once and I had many of those thoughts when he returned. My sense is that you've done just about everything you can do to give your marriage a second chance. You're even staying patient despite all these thoughts and feeling that could easily cause you to do something drastic. Are you drawn to your husband as much physically as you were before? If your husband says he's not as drawn to you, can he specify whether there's something you could change either physically or in your actions that would catch his interest?
I believe you have two options, right? Either to settle for what you have now or to proceed with divorce. If settling for what you have now is the best of the two options after you continue to think about it, then you may have no choice but to start finding happiness in other ways, apart from your husband, until he signals that he's ready to provide what you need. Not an affair of course but by doing activities with your kids, in your career, in re-strengthening your religious beliefs or becoming closer to other friends and family members...
Others may disagree with me and say you'd be better off divorced, but I believe you're better off staying. Now that my husband is gone and I'm alone, with health problems, and a young child, I'd do anything for even a lackluster marriage. The loneliness and uncertainty about the future is much worse for me than a husband who contributes minimally and isn't physically affectionate. At least with some kind of husband there is some kind of stability. To me a bad marriage (without abuse or violence of course) is better than none, but I'm sure there are others who will disagree.
Maybe you need to search outside of DB at this point. DB is only about saving your marriage but doesn't focus on what happens after it's saved. That's the issue I have with it. There are probably other resources out there for this stage you're in. I wish I had found them before my husband left a second time. Although he never really sought to reconcile, I also didn't make the conditions right for that to happen. I wasn't my usual self and expected too much from my husband. I should have just left him alone for a few years to do what he wants instead of trying to talk about our marriage every month or two.
I still hope you'll find a way to make it work. It sounds like having patience is the right thing to do but you still need to express all your thoughts and doubts.
