Thank you for the response. I appreciate any advice and support.
I suppose if my husband was writing about me there would definitely be a lot of flaws regarding my character. The beginning of our marriage was rocky. His alcoholism and a toxic environment were difficult and I myself am guilty of flirting with someone online at that time and no matter what reasoning is given there wasn't any excuse. I have been selfish at times, lazy, inconsiderate (not too long ago I was so busy at work one day I forgot it was my husband's day off. He usually would get home at 8:45-9:00 because he works 10 hour shifts. I thought he was working and went to the store after work. I am home by 6 after work most days unless we have a special evening event and so at 7pm I received a very hostile phone call because he was at home and I wasn't. I was ill the whole ride home knowing how Inconsiderate I had been. There are other examples of this here and there.). He would probably say I am too wrapped up in and prideful of my work. I have annoying habits and can easily become complacent, content to sit at home all the time with my nose in a book or watching tv. I put on weight and am an emotional eater. I am conflict avoidant. Most of all my pregnant fears and then actual infertility issues have contributed heavily to negative feelings towards me. So I know it is unfair to come here and complain about his wrongdoing and bizarre behavior when I have contributed to the breakdown myself as well.
I have a good counselor and will continue going. My husband never really liked the idea that it could be him that is the only Eason for infertility. Not sure how to handle it.
I'm just trying to find some new things to do now in the meantime.
____________ Me: 42 H: 43 M: 16 T: 19 1st BD 11/4/17 "ILYBINILWY" 2nd BD 12/17/17 Asking for a D MLC? Highly likely EA/PA
Just went to the phone store to get my phone and tablet on a separate bill and they won't even talk to me about it because it was his name on the bill. They said he has to add me to the statement in order to take me off and split my phone and tablet out. Last night he told me he already had mine separated off and I just had to open an account, but they said to do that my name has to be on it as well.
I don't know that he will do it because for a brief period I would have access to more detailed records.
____________ Me: 42 H: 43 M: 16 T: 19 1st BD 11/4/17 "ILYBINILWY" 2nd BD 12/17/17 Asking for a D MLC? Highly likely EA/PA
Worked on GAL yesterday and went to dinner with coworkers. I was still the first one home, as H is coming home from work 30-45 minutes later than normal now. I just go to the bedroom and read. When he got in last night I heard him shuffling around the house. Usually we would have a late dinner when he gets back after work and I do all of the cooking and dishes. He is accustomed to coming home, playing video games while I finish dinner, having dinner brought to him, then dessert and then I would sit on the couch with him and rub his feet until time to go to bed. Plus he would periodically go outside for smoke breaks (this was when he used to text surreptitiously, but now he texts someone nearly all the time even in front of me. The statement we last got indicated he is sending 80-100 texts a day now). So last night I was in the bedroom and I heard him having to make his own dinner. It was a frozen snack pizza. The dishes were left for me to wash up...
We went to the gym this morning and on the way he started in again about how am I going to buy him out of the house. I told him that won't happen until the divorce papers are signed and he said "well, I guess we need to do that quickly." I guess he forgot it will take at least 6 months. Then he asked how much is he going to get and I think he actually believed it would be half the value of the house assessment. I told him how it is half the equity after paying off the remainder of the original mortgage and he seemed disappointed. I made a mistake here because I made a comment that half the value of his car that we both have our names on should be deducted from his amount and he got angry and then said that right now the car loan is more than the car's value and should I be giving him more money. I can't believe how I didn't think that through...
He is also insisting we don't need lawyers and can do a DIY divorce and two of his divorced friends he talks to told him we could make our own separation agreement ourselves and I told him I'm not comfortable with that and he wasn't happy. Then he said we could share a lawyer to draft everything up. Also, he does minimum effort on things and I am usually the one stuck doing all the legwork on anything of significance. I resent this and since all of this is his idea I think he needs to be the one to file and get the ball rolling on things, not me. I'm not doing it.
He also won't put my name on the phone bill so I can get my phone and tablet separated. He keeps insisting I went to the wrong branch and I need to take my time out of the day today to go all the way over to the other side of town to the location he prefers because my phone and tablet have been "released" already and I just have to set up an account. I could tell how strongly he doesn't want my name on the bill, even for five minutes to get my stuff split off. So I have to inconvenience myself to do things his way.
So I tried some 180 things after the gym. I did not initiate conversation on the drive home. He seemed edgy and then asked if I was okay. I smiled a genuine smile and said, "yes, aren't you?" And then at home I immediately went and got ready for work instead of cooking him breakfast. While I was feeding the cats I noticed him take all of his clothes and now his phone into the bathroom with him and we never sit the door when getting ready, but this morning he shut and locked the bathroom door to get ready. Then when he was sitting down to watch the news (usually we sit together and watch news and play words with friends) I just went into the den and asked him to move his car in the driveway so I could go to work (he usually leaves before me and I decided to be the one to leave first today). He looked surprised because I also dressed fancier, put lipstick back on (I had stopped wearing lipstick because he complained that he didn't like the taste or texture when he kissed me, but since he hasn't kissed me in weeks I will do as I please. There wasn't time to style my hair in the retro hairstyle that I prefer to wear, but has stopped doing a month ago because he complained about my hairstyle as well, but I have arranged for a haircut and Insm going back to wearing my victory rolls and bumper bangs and hair flowers because I like it and it makes me feel good about myself). Then I put my fancy heels on and when going out the door he paid me a compliment and said "those are really nice shoes" and I smiled and said "I love these shoes!" And was the first one to tell him (in a happy tone) "have a great day!" And at this point he seemed more subdued and quietly said "you, too" and I just drove to work. I feel pretty good right now, considering.
____________ Me: 42 H: 43 M: 16 T: 19 1st BD 11/4/17 "ILYBINILWY" 2nd BD 12/17/17 Asking for a D MLC? Highly likely EA/PA
That sounds good JTO, nice job! Try to find some GAL activities that will get you out of the house and hopefully allow you to interact with some other people. It'll help you build back up your feelings of self-worth.
Thank you, I'm looking for some new things to do to keep busy.
Do you think it is unusual that he is frantically going about demanding we split all resources and divide up all bills/accounts and make plans about separation and divorce, but he refuses to allow us to break the news to our family?
____________ Me: 42 H: 43 M: 16 T: 19 1st BD 11/4/17 "ILYBINILWY" 2nd BD 12/17/17 Asking for a D MLC? Highly likely EA/PA
Also, he is getting all of his advice from friends who are divorced in the car club and he sincerely believes this can all be done without lawyers and judges. He want to download forms and write up our own separation agreements and thinks the whole process can be a cheap DIY.
____________ Me: 42 H: 43 M: 16 T: 19 1st BD 11/4/17 "ILYBINILWY" 2nd BD 12/17/17 Asking for a D MLC? Highly likely EA/PA
Get a lawyer. Divorces never go the way a was thinks. My ex brought a realtor and demanded I agreed to put the house up for sale before I even had a lawyer. I kept the house. She also wanted me to pay off the car I bought for her in 2010. I had proof that I had put most of the down payments and made all the monthly payments. She had to keep that and pay it off herself. I was able to keep the other that I paid for.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Wow JTO I just read your thread and welcome. I have to agree with another poster that said your H sounds like a DICK!!!! You bring him food, get desert, make sure you don't bring home something on the "unacceptable" list and rub his feet. And in return he does ___________ (fill in the blank) for you. What would that be other than treating you like shlt? Please continue with a good C that can help you explore why you have allowed all of this and can help build your self-esteem.
Of course there are always two stories and he might say other things but wow, it really seems like yours may be one if the cases we see where the LBS figures out they got out of an abusive R and move on to have a great life. A life where your partner brings home flowers to surprise you, makes YOU dinner and then rubs YOUR feet. Not all the time mind you but now and then. Has he ever done nice things for you? Complimented you? Gone out if his way for you? If not this is not a balanced R in the first place.
Continue doing things for you. Wear what you want. Do what you want. Make him want to be with and deserve to be with you. From what I can see this loser H may end up being the real loser here and you the winner as you get your life back.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Also, he is getting all of his advice from friends who are divorced in the car club and he sincerely believes this can all be done without lawyers and judges. He want to download forms and write up our own separation agreements and thinks the whole process can be a cheap DIY.
I wanted to add in that in this case he is correct - well mostly. It's called pro-sae (sp) divorce and I/we did it. You must still go in front of a judge and put it through court but rather than paying thousands of dollars in attorney fees you can do it all yourself, especially if there are no children.
Now, just because you can do something does not mean you should. In my case I was beyond confident of my ability to get myself everything and perhaps more than if lawyers were involved. Would my W say the same? I think so but perhaps not. I am positive I did very well. My W mostly just wanted out and as her last act to save face did not want to be seen as taking advantage of me. Plus she had nearly nothing coming in, I even had to buy her out of her refinanced home. But whatever.
In your case, based on the dynamic set between you and your H whereby he appears to call all the shots and you are to simply obey, doing this without legal representation would probably not be smart. Each sitch is unique. Just know the choice is yours and not only his. He decides if he want representation just as you do. He does not have to get an attorney and you still can.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I am glad Don said what I was thinking. This has me worried, quite honestly. Do you really think you were so inconsiderate that he should want a divorce because you forgot he was home and stopped at a store and you weren't there the second he got home?! You cook, clean, serve him and rub his feet religiously?
You need a lawyer. DonH nailed it with your dynamic. He is going to call the shots in his favor because he expects you to just go along with it. Now is the true time for a 180.
