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Originally Posted By: joejoe1
H,

DonH is right. Be prepared to tell the truth. Thats your resolve. You let your W know you won't lie and you are not using her script, because guess what its HER script, not yours and not y'alls. You tell her she can say what she wants but you are sticking to the truth. You dont have to have a discussion after that. The other thing is, this sit down is her doing, not y'alls.

Stop reacting to everything she does and says. You actions should be non reactive and even. No matter what she says or does you are the same.


Again not sure A coming out now would be good for me... figure it's likely to come out at some point no matter what any of us do...

Also agree that this IS her doing and not mine.. and that I need to stop being reactive... see previous post on a possible way forward...
Originally Posted By: joejoe1

I also think you are flooding yourself with information. You won't get all this information in, even in a year, so trying to do it in a few days or weeks will only confuse you. Take a step back. Work on one thing at a time. Time to get Sandi's 37 rules down first. Her rules help with detaching, GALing, 180s and validating. If you get a handle on those 37, you can worry about the NGS.


Think you are right... although there are a couple of nuggets from No more Mr. Nice guy that I may incorporate (re: boundaries).
Agree about flooding myself with info... As I'm off work right now I've got ALOT of free time on my hands and I've been pouring myself into books etc... and you are right... It's hard to keep the existing stuff in the forefront of my mind when I keep piling new stuff on top... need to slow down...
Originally Posted By: joejoe1

The best thing you can do now is focus on detaching with love and GALing. Work on these first and tell us how they are going. You can't do them for a week and then look for signs and if you dont get signs stop. These are life changes and not situational changes.

Its time to start these life changes for yourself and not your W or M.


I have a few questions about these and will post shortly.... but agree that I need to focus on consistency, balance, GAL, detaching with love.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
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So I want some perspective on a few things:

1. Am I doing GAL "right" or is this too much?
Last night she went out... stayed "at work" (probably went to OM house in afternoon/early evening) and then went out with a friend. Said she'd be home by 7-8... Was after 10pm I said nothing... just did you have a good time with X? and how is she?

Today She knew I was going to be gone from Mid morning to late afternoon... "Out". I had several things to accomplish and a meeting to go to... that ran long... said I'd be back a x time... it was about 1.5 hrs. later... I texted her when I was on way home at that time...
I got home and she was angry that they wanted to make something that required eggs and it was later than they needed them... I didn't react...
She also went off about how she spent the ENTIRE day with the kids doing stuff for/with them and now after dinner (which we did out as a family :); and she again failed to really interact with me or respond... which I again ignored and reacted with a smile and happy) she was going to spend the evening running D13 around doing errands...
(In retrospect I guess I could have Validated her feelings with her vs. what I actually did below... and then offered to compromise somehow).
I offered to take some of the errands tonight or to that we/I could do some tomorrow... She didn't look at me or even acknowledge I was there...
So I said, OK... and walked away.
I have been smiling at her and somewhat upbeat acting "As If"

2. ALSO, I GAL sometimes 2-4 x/week and often 3-4 times/week. sometimes its going out a couple of weeknights after the kids are taken care of (shuttled where they need to be) other times it may be a couple times on weekend)... and could be almost the entire day on a weekend day like it was today...
is this TOO MUCH GAL? or am I doing it wrong?
Not so concerned with her response (Realizing she'll find fault with me no matter what I do... and realizing this is oddly freeing because it makes me feel better about sticking with a course of action for the next 6-8 weeks while we still share the same house.

3. She has said to me that she is resentful of how much free time I have when she works her A$$ off... and can't even sit down to read a book (she's exaggerating as she stays at work until ~6pm most nights and THEN has Happy hour, or works out, etc.). We don't typically see her until 8 or 8:45pm most nights at the earliest. I typically have dinner ready (so we can eat as a family when possible), keep the house clean/dishes etc. keep up with most of her and my laundry etc. (I'm the one who's career was sacrificed multiple times to support hers... and I didn't hold my end of the bargain up well/at all in terms of supporting her before the BD and my realization of the damage all of this did. Since then I've been consistent with this... not for her (although it does benefit her), but because it is the right thing for the family, and has made me better in terms of managing things around the house regardless of the relationship (Know this is "beta" behavior, but taking decisive action and being resolved to this feels somewhat "Alpha" (i.e. stepping up to the plate and caring for your family).
Same with my interactions with the kids where I now take a much more active interest in them and work with them to ensure they have things done/ready for school and are fed, etc. as well as following the family rules.
I have Validated her feelings on this saying I'm truly sorry she feels this way and I had little idea that she felt this strongly about it... and how if I could change things in the past I would in a heartbeat... Then how, although we only have a little time left. I'd truly like the remaining time we have together to be fundamentally different than the past... and for her to really think about how I can support her better to allow her to have regular free time each night to do things she'd like to relax, take a bath, etc.

She has said at various times, no, that's ok... or said nothing in response... (Feels like this is one I can/should keep bringing up and looking for ways to help her have this experience... knowing it changes nothing and outcome is D regardless... but feels like the kind loving thing to do...

Thoughts?


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Feb 2017
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H,

IMO thatís fine if thatís what you want to do as long as you have zero expectations and know that this is not going to change anything.

Also, keep in mind you are reinforcing her behavior that being a cheater is acceptable.

Btw in my opinion you canít GAL too much.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Lh19,

I do have zero expectations. Iím just tired of all the churn. Have one month left... other option is LRT.

Not sure how this reinforces that A is ok? Because I didnít kick her out of house immediately??? Or because I am considering being kind to her?
Iím open to opinions, just know what has worked in the past thatís improved things vs what appeared to make them worse... but Iím open. Only 2 days into this approach right now so could take another one... as long as I understand why itís likely to be more effective knowing full well that I canít change nor stop whatís coming. And as long as I understand how we are likely to respond to this approach.


She asked me tonight if we can stop the drama, just accept things and move on as sheís tired of all the R A M talks.

She also is upset that I donít have my script ready for her approval etc with kids. I think Iím going to go with hers for her parents and do mine alter it to just stick to surface level facts for now. Not sure what good A coming out to family now does and I my has potential to make things ALOT worse during mediation etc.

But Iím open to other opinions on this.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Also worried that my GALing while sheís still here might come back to bite me in A$$ during mediation, if she takes position that it isnít 50/50 with kids.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,381
Likes: 137
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H,

Why your still have relationship talks is beyond me. Your worried about making worse and youíre definitely making it worse.

Right now your focus should be on you and your kids.

Donít worry about not getting 50/50 custody. She will want to spend as much time with OM without the kids.

The brutally honest truth is you canít fix this in the next month. Try to accept it and move forward confidently and productively.

I promise you it does get better!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Iím done w all Relationship talks. Everyone here was eight as was MWD in db.
Just want to stick to moving forward talks. We have one today on communication.im going to share my counter to her just D no Qs if you love us as were private people.

Her behavior continues to evolve... sheís continuing to becomie more overtly negative in regards to me.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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H....I tried having the talks early on as everyone did but every time I initiated she got more and more upset. I never got any awnsers to the questions I had on why she was doing this. They were really just a bunch of excuses. There is nothing you can do or say that will stop this train from leaving the station. It will be a year if not longer before you probably have any shot at recon. She is just not going to wake up 1 morning and have a ah ha moment.

At this point in time you just need to take care of yourself, your children and stand for what you believe in.

I am 12 days away from 7 months and I can remember it like it was yesterday. She wanted a D then she didn't, then she did, then she wanted to move out. My mind was spinning.. I watched her pack her things, ask me if she could take certain things and watch her be soo excited about moving out and decorating her new place. There was nothing I could do.

Almost 7 months in to my sitch and my W has finally started to be more human to me, be more talkative, be more open, I don't see the same level of hate/contempt.

GAL your ass off, read self-help books, listen to podcasts, motivational music, get some new clothes, do anything to help yourself feel better but do it for yourself because she will probably not notice. I have people tell me they have no idea that this is me, people comment right in front of her face about how good I look and these people have flat out asked her to her face what she thinks and she can barely muster up any acknowledgement or act like she even notices. Even more reason why you need to do it for yourself.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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There is something you really really really need to do.

Every hear of STFU? Yes, that's exactly what it means. I don't mean this in a mean way either. You need to stop talking. Just stop. Answer questions regarding the kids. You need to not talk to her at all otherwise. No more apologies, explanations, relationship talks, trying to solve her problems.... (you really took the time out to make step by step instructions on how to do something she couldn't figure out???)

STOP EVERYTHING! It's been suggested by many before to make a 50/50 schedule, just as if you were separated. Then there are no questions about GAL time, too much, too little or whatever. Split your GAL time evenly. Done. Because that's the way you are going to be living.

In house separation is so hard, especially with someone who exhiits zero respect for you. SO you need to just be very quiet, do your thing, and she does her. The only communication you need to work on is her GAL time, when is yours and regarding the kdis. Nothing else.

You can do this if you desire a better life for yourself.

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As I often do, I agree with ginger and may be actually saying the same thing she is but I have a different take...

As I read your latest posts I can't help but feel it seems like an actor prepping for a role in a play or sitcom. This is how you will act. This is how you want to appear to the audience. It's almost like role playing rather than authentically living your life.

That first impression was followed by my feeling like you are strategizing a game - perhaps a football,or basketball team. You'll try man to man coverage for a while but if that doesn't seem to be stopping the other team from scoring you'll drop back to a zone defense as a last resort.

Hermes, this is not an act in a play or a game. Rather than authentically living your life you seem to be acting and strategizing what will work. What will get her to react like you want. Rather than telling the truth because the truth is the correct way to live, you only want to do what will provoke the best response from W. If telling the truth won't get you what you want then to hell with the truth.

Can you see what I'm trying to explain? Can others here see it or am I off on this? I just think that if it seems fake to me, your W must be so seeing through all of this. I'm not sure you are in a place to be authentic which then makes Gs STFU suggestion perhaps the best advice for you at this point. You're not ready tomDB yet. You can't fake your way through this so perhaps damage control is your best option. Focus on YOU and not doing what you think W wants or what role play might get you through this because even if that would work, it won't last until these actions come naturally from you and are not an act or this weeks strategy.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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