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A Message from Michele
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Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: roist] #2771151
12/12/17 05:53 AM
12/12/17 05:53 AM
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roist Offline
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Regardless of how things turn out, I believe that a break from each other is undeniably the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately to enhance your chances of reconciliation. But reconciliation should only happen when you have put reconciliation out of your thoughts. Put it away in a box firvsave keeping and go thrive for YOU


R 23 years
M 12 years
S9 & S11
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: roist] #2771157
12/12/17 06:43 AM
12/12/17 06:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Sotto Offline
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Hi Gordie, I think moving out this side of Xmas may not be the best plan. But to start viewing places and sign up for a new year move would be perfectly possible I think if that's what you want to do?

I would only let your W know once you have your plans confirmed - W, I've taken out a lease on a new place, starting from 10th January..

JMHO of course, but from all that you post and your W's blatant ongoing contact with OM and baiting of you, I think you may need to think about changing up the current situation.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Sotto] #2771173
12/12/17 08:48 AM
12/12/17 08:48 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
CaliGuy Offline
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Gordie

As with this place its opinions and advice from all of us with nothing more than wanting the best for you. All the questions you pose are easy for us to say do this or do that but in the end its you who has to really actually do it ... actions not words works on both sides of the street. You are really the only one who can honestly answer when you should do and how you should do it ... just keep in mind this is YOUR choice and in doing so its not to get a response nor reaction from her .... If moving out got the MLCr to wake up and come back to the M we all would have done so ... conversely if staying meant the same we all would have stayed.

My advice ... whatever you chose will not have an impact on changing her sitch .... it will change yours and only you will know if its for the best or not. Just do it, no words or grand announcements ... lead by actions not words. When I left after the touch and go there was no doubt, it was funny as she approached me about 2-3 days after I discovered the BD2 text message wanting to figure out the bills in March .... I gave her a simple shrug and told her that was no longer my concern as I would be out by the weekend. Silence and a blank stare followed and to this day I do not think she actually believed I would walk. I did and I do not regret it a bit.

If you are concerned about the kids and the Christmas memories .... they already have memories of mom bringing the boyfreind around during this time of year ... you leaving will just be a part of that but in no way should you feel guilty ... this was not what you wanted nor your choice. I think often to many times the LBS hands around 'for the kids' expecting the medal of valor when if we look deep down we are just looking for an excuse to stay hoping this storm passes and we can salvage the M .... there are times we must protect ourselves from what they are doing to us.

Time wise may not be the right time to go ... I personally would take the next 2 weeks and quietly plan and arrange to start my new life with 2018 and stealthily be out by then.

Last edited by job; 12/12/17 09:19 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs

M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: CaliGuy] #2771193
12/12/17 12:56 PM
12/12/17 12:56 PM
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pbetra Offline
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Hi Gordie,
Just came across this.

You are one tough cookie (!) to have handled a looming-over your=head D with W the way you did.

I have mixed feelings re: before/after Christmas - but then again its rarely a 'real' christmas with mlc spouses anyway.

Follow your gut - I think it is guiding you very, very well!
Best


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: pbetra] #2771210
12/12/17 06:42 PM
12/12/17 06:42 PM
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USA
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Gordie Offline OP
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Team Gordie!

I like the sound of that. Thank you guys for standing by me and offering your advice. It really helps to hear unbiased opinions even when I disagree with them.

Calióyes, itís ultimately my choice. I get that.

Ginger, you are invaluableóyou are right that it is freeing to know I am not powerless and that I can be free of my situation when I choose. Andrew, I agree that advance notice may not serve me well.

Own, I liked your suggestion about an ultimatum but am still noodling on what I would actually say.

Andrew, agree that telegraphing in advance may not help.

***
Journaling:

Okay, tonight something happened that I wasnít planning. Maybe not d b but it happened. Stbx begged for sex and I rejected her. This led to an actual shouting match (we are not shouters). Summary:

She kept yelling that she loves me. I kept yelling stop saying that. Your actions speak louder than words and your actions demonstrate that you do not love me. I refuse to be in a three way R with you and OM2. I asked her to sign the D and just let me go. And she said, I canít let you go. Thatís why Iím so confused. I said I refuse to be plan b, the backup plan, the safety net if things donít work out with OM2. She says she wishes she never met OM1 or OM2. I say you made a choice to open your heart to them. It was your choice. She says I was unhappy in our M too. And I say yes, but I didnít seek fulfullment outside the M and you did. You rejected me and I no longer want to be in a R with you. You are seeking your happiness elsewhere. I deserve to do that too. If we arenít sexually compatible would you be willing to stay M in a sexless M? I flat out say no. I want a M partner who desires all of me, including sexually. I donít want to be your asexual BFF.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771211
12/12/17 06:44 PM
12/12/17 06:44 PM
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USA
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Gordie Offline OP
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Roist,

I also agree i could last longer if I choose to do so. Thanks for the pep talk.

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771213
12/12/17 07:39 PM
12/12/17 07:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
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Australia
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devvo Offline
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Standing here on the outside I'm hearing a lot of anger on your side bubbling away. I really don't blame you - she is cake-eating so much she should be a diabetic. Having said that, did she say anything at all positive about ditching OM and trying to work things out? Or were you too angry for her to even chance going there?

Obviously we're seeing the classic MLC script where she's moving towards you now because she has sensed that you want to move on now. Clearly too, you shouldn't be making any big decisions whilst hurt and anger are still able to warp your perceptions. Tonight I imagine will be a sleepless one for you - there is a lot to process there, including what the children will make of it all. Do you think they heard any of the shouting?


Me:55 H:55
S:22 S:20
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: devvo] #2771223
12/13/17 12:10 AM
12/13/17 12:10 AM
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USA
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Gordie Offline OP
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Angry? Yes and I let it out. No, she did not talk about ditching OM2. Working things out? She said she didnít know if we could work things out now. She was still blaming me for our situation and what I did or didnít do. She took no responsibility for her own actions. This was late at night and all the kids were sleeping. I donít know what they heard. Sleepless? Yes.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: devvo] #2771225
12/13/17 12:15 AM
12/13/17 12:15 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,434
Southern Maryland
job Online

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Gordie,

I agree w/devvo...you do not want to make any decisions while you are angry and hurt. Decisions should be made when you are in a calmer place. She wants her cake and eat it too. She senses that you are pulling away and are seriously wanting a divorce to move on w/your life and hopefully meet someone new. She is really one confused woman and I really do feel sorry for where she's at in her head. It really isn't a pretty place.

Let me say this...ultimatums are something we do not encourage here. Why? Because crisis people will take the easiest way out and if that means either working on the marriage and dropping the other person or coming home and doing the hard work, they will choose the first option because they aren't ready to do the hard work. I do not think that your wife is fully baked at this time. I think she is in panic mode over the fact that her comfortable world is about to be rocked very hard and she's definitely not sure of what she wants at this time.

You may opt to have a sit down talk w/her and map out what you would like from your current marriage and she may say she will do this to get things back on track...but if she's not fully baked, she may revert back to her mlcing ways in time.

Gordie, trust your gut and do what is right for you and your family. You will know what you need to do once you've settled down emotionally. The paperwork doesn't need to be rushed through the system before Christmas...it could wait until after the holidays when everyone is back to the real world of living and not the fun, family times of the holidays.

Gordie, whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you.

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: job] #2771227
12/13/17 12:38 AM
12/13/17 12:38 AM
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To be clear, my suggestion of an ultimatum related only to the signing of the D papers and only if Gordie is prepared to see it through. I agree, an ultimatum for her to change would not work.

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