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Gordie,

You may not see the guilt being exhibited. It could be hidden until she's alone, away from you and the family. Being nice is one way of off loading the guilt. Some are very nice and others do nice things such as repairing things or purchasing items for the LBS. Even if the person is rational, there are a some that will go over board and purchase lots of stuff and give it to their children when they, the parents, know that they've not spent a lot of time w/the children. Guilt can be displayed in many ways and not just w/the eyes looking down versus looking directly at you or shuffling of the feet, etc.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hunny, I often feel just like you do. My W also doesn't monster at me, but she did run for a short period, have an EA, and is cold, distant, selfish, and spends lots of time out of the house. Although she isn't near as bad as some on here, she is still 180 from what she was. Always was the most kind, thoughtful, loving, and appreciative person around. Because of that, I could really relate to what you described with your H.

I think Job is right (she usually is :)), everyone comes from different situations and handles themselves differently. My guess is that sure, some people with good marriages have rough MLC episodes, but I don't feel like that describes my situation. Our marriage was good, and her MLC is kind of mild compared to some I read about here. It doesn't FEEL that mild to me, but she is compared to what she COULD be doing.

Hang in there...you've got this. Just remember that you are the prize. What man in his right mind wouldn't want someone like you who is willing to put up with so much stuff just to be with them. He isn't in his right mind right now, but he will be eventually. You'll either still be there for him or you won't...and at that point you will know what you want to do. For now, just be the good person that you know yourself to be. You are worth it!!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
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job,
I've stopped the pressuring. The first few months were a beg and plead fest but as you know that didn't do anything but make the situation worse.

Gordie,
Yoy are right they are all depressed, selfish and their moral compasses are broken or even missing.

OwnIt,
I am at the beginning so maybe the niceness will be replaced by a little more monstering Or he may just continue to avoid me. The last few times he was around me he couldn't get away from me fast enough.

sjohns6,
Thank you! Like your W, my H is now the complete opposite of who he was before. Even though they aren't acting as bad as others it is still devastating.

Talking to that woman on Christmas I almost felt guilty that my H is not the MLC monster her friend's husband is. Especially when she said I should consider myself lucky. Because I don't. Mine may not be the most heinous MLC story around but it is still hard for me. I think they all bite.

Hunny

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Hunny,

Even though we are a few days away from the new year, I wanted to stop by and wish you a Happy New Year! I know this year has been very difficult for you, but I am hoping that things might level out just a bit in the coming months so that you can get your footing. I want you to know that this is not about you at all...but all about him. He's broken, his empathy chip is broken and yes, he is acting out as a 2 year old in a very selfish way. When babies teethe, they can be miserable little ones and that is what your h is going through right now. In a way, he's grieving the loss of self and has to dig deep within his soul to find the real him and come to realize that as a child, he was not responsible for the reasons he was emotionally stunted. I hope he finds himself and can move forward and heal.

Hunny, you are going to be okay. It just takes time. We all have or gone through this and we are here for you. Don't be afraid to ask questions, vent or just to post updates. You are part of a huge family of people who are caring, understanding and "fixers". We are here for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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job,

Thank you so much for the kind words. They really mean a lot and came today just when I needed them. Happy New Year!

Hunny

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Happy New Year to you as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Well things here are ok, not great but ok. I have not heard from H and have only attempted to reach him once about an urgent piece of mail received yesterday. He didn't answer and I did not leave a message or try again.

I have been beating myself up a little bit the last few days. Thing a lot and quite a bit of tears, I have said before our M wasn't perfect and honestly it was not but there was love once upon a time.

I have been remembering all my past mistakes and hurtful words. His too but mostly mine. And it got me thinking, there really is a possibility that he is happy with this OW. His life, despite the recent health issues and work probs, may actually be working out.

He is happy and has no desire to have any type of relationship with me at all. I have turned into the woman who just can't take the hint. A desperate mess.

I really think I put him in the MLC box because I could not admit to myself or anyone else that he was just truly unhappy and no longer cared for me. So I guess just saying he had some "issue" going on made me feel better. Gave me hope.

He doesn't act like a MLCer...he just acts like someone who truly doesn't want to be bothered by another person (me) any more.

I thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I wish you all the best in your relationships and hope that you each find happiness in 2018.

Hunny

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Hunny,

Whether he is a walk away or a MLCer, you would still treat the situations pretty much the same.

Now, I want you to put that stinking thinking aside. Put that glass of Kool Aid down. You are buying into all of that stuff he's said. Trust me, if he were that unhappy, you would have known it a very long time ago. They start to mull things over and the depression starts about 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop.

Honey, we all have made mistakes and no marriage is perfect...but when they start saying that they've been unhappy for one, ten or 20 years...I just don't buy into that BS.

Sure he appears happy w/the OW. She's new, doesn't have a history w/him and she most like tells him what he wants to hear. OW do this stuff to get the man and then use all types of tactics to keep them. Some day, that newness is going to wear off and that's when the warts and wrinkles are going to show. It's a fantasy world that they are living in. Trust me, responsibilities and accountabilities will come into play and he's going to discover that it's not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Keep posting. We are here for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
My husband dropped the bomb about 5 months ago. We had our issues just like every other married couple on the planet but up to that day his words and actions showed love. Not just for me but for our kiddos. Now he has met someone "who he can talk to" and "makes him feel good about himself". And it only took about 3 weeks for him to find this woman who is what he has been looking for. When he dropped the bomb he just kept saying he had lost something and couldn't find it again and he just didn't love me anymore.


Hunny, please come back to the forum. Your journey is similar to mine and our H's are in MLC.

The quote above is the first paragraph from your first post. It speaks volumes. He's in the Replay stage and will be for quite awhile - possibly 2-3 years. During this time he will be turned away from you. Nothing much is going to happen with a return until he is through Replay and probably past that. MLC is a solitary journey he must take. Never mind the OW - she's so irrelevant - most MLCer have affairs. It's all part of the journey. The OW is a perfect mirror to him right now and that's what he needs to work out some long buried painful dynamic that was left unresolved. He recreates this dynamic with her in order to fix now what he couldn't fix long ago. All unconscious of course. His MLC is still there, his depression is still there, he is NOT happy despite outward appearances.

For now, just leave him completely alone and force nothing - for a long time. He will wake up one day and realize this OW is not who he thought she was. She's as messed up as he is. Many OW are also in MLC. The MLCer is NOT going to be instantly attracted to an emotional healthy woman. So you can imagine how this is going to end up eventually, right?

Many of us on the forum are dealing with a MLCer in the midst of an Affair. Read some of the old threads - it's very encouraging to see that quite a few were where we are now, and in the end the MLCer came through the crisis and the marriage was restored. It will take enormous patience though.

Hope to see you back here soon!
GP

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