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Hunny - One thing that helped me was to realize that they re-write history to fit the facts of today as they want them to be. That is the only way that they can justify what they did.

Reality is also dependent on the position of the observer. I read a bit of history and in the more serious books there is usually the entertainment of one historian excoriating his colleagues and pointing out how they are wrong wink and these are the professionals.

Hunny - What you remember was your reality and it was real and it is real. Hang on to that. Whether the version you are getting from him now matches that or not, it doesn't matter.

((Hunny))


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Hunny, I knew mine was depressed and wallowing along time. He eventually said he never loved me and he only settled in marrying me. Our 26 th anniversary is next week. He refuses to discuss the divorce he has claimed in the past to want. You have to accept that this nothing to do with you and his words are garbage. Don’t give this lost soul any headspace. Show him true and unconditional love by leaving him to his crisis.

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Happy Christmas Eve!

Today is going ok so far but I know later tonight it will head south. This tme of year has always been a big deal in our house. I'm going to enjoy the memories and allow myself to curl up in a ball in front of the tree and sob if it comes to that.

On another note, DD had an issue yesterday that upset her quite a bit and to my surprise she reached out to her daddy for help. At first he told her he would take care if it today and I doubted it would happen.

In the past he would have taken care of it right away because well that's just how he was. A few hours later she let me know that he had already done what she needed.

Weekends are usually straight OW time. I was surprised she talked to him in the first place and even more surprised he took time out of a Saturday night to do something for our DD.

I know it isn't much but a few weeks ago if he found out anything was wrong he would have been indifferent. I am just really glad he didn't let DD down. This has been hard on her and she needed a little something to show her he hasn't forgotten her or replaced her completely with OW's daughter.

Next week will probably be right back to indifferent land but at least there was yesterday.

Hunny

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Hunny,

Try to enjoy your day. I know it's difficult and if you need to sob, do it. Also, this is the time of year when new traditions are made and maybe it's time for you and your DD to think about doing some things differently over this holiday season.

I am glad he came through for your DD. Sometimes they'll do this quickly and other times...well, let's just say our requests fall off the radar for them. He could have had a moment of clarity and realized with the holidays here, that maybe he needed to step up to the plate. No one knows what really goes through their minds on any given day...because they flip flop back and forth in their own minds.

For now, be grateful he came through and hopefully the rest of your holiday will better.

Bottom line...do what you feel comfortable in doing and the heck w/the rest of those old traditions.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hunny,

This is rough. Glad H stepped up for D. Can you get yourself out of the house to spend time with friends or family?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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job,
I am very glad he came through for her also. She and her H are traveling and I know she was very worried about the situation. I could have and would have helped but this is the kind of thing he would have handled and I guess she went to him first out if habit.

I am still sad but my DD is happy and feels love from her Dad and right now Thais is an amazing thing.

gordie,
Having Christmas at a relatives house this year instead of ours. It will be different for sure but probably much needed this year.

Thank you both for your support.

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Hello all,

Christmas wasn't as bad as I feared it would be. I had some rough moments and a few awkward ones when people who didn't know yet asked where H was.

I think I handled it very well except I did say he is choosing to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and her family.

Journaling

I talked with a friend of a family member who has a close friend dealing with her H's MLC. She asked if my H was MLC and I said I believed so.

She was shocked by my H's actions or rather lack thereof. She can't believe there is no consistent spewing or threats or just plain meanness.

Her friend's H apparently is very nasty and has done just about everything that can be imagined. I am grateful I don't have to deal with too much of the monster but on the other hand I just don't hear from my H at all.

So that got me thinking....again. My H hasn't acted that bad as far as monster. Yes, there have been some angry outbursts and acting out (OW, drinking, running away) but he hasn't gone out of his way to be outright mean.

He hasnt said anything other than the standard ILYB and she gets me nonsense. No rude comments about me just the comments about himself, not being happy, he's lost something, he's a failure etc.

This woman said her friend believes she has a good chance of reconciling because the better the marriage was the harder the MLC is. The harder the MLC is the better the chances of restoring the relationship.

She asked what my thoughts were on that and I said I honestly don't know. I did not think H and I had a bad marriage but he truly isn't being near as horrible as some other MLC spouses.

Honestly, my H is just a very kind guy and the things he has done are bad for him. Maybe not bad as far as MLC standards go but definitely not his usual actions.

This is definitely a roller coaster. At barely 6 months in I am so ready to get off. My heart goes out to each one of you who has been in this so much longer. You all are truly some of the strongest men and women there are.

Hunny

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Hunny,

It's okay to compare spouses' actions in MLC...but remember that each person is very unqiue, has a unique personality and also the childhoods are different, so they may react/behave differently.

In your case, maybe you aren't pressuring him to shape up and do the right thing all of the time...thus, he's not quite as nasty as your friend's h is towards her. I have found that the more you pressure them to come home, drop the OP or pressure them to know where they ae in their thoughts of separation/divorce, the more they will strike out. Guilt plays a role and maybe your h isn't feeling so guilty at the moment.

Well, I don't agree w/what your friend's friend said because it doesn't matter if your marriage was 100% great or 50/50% great. MLC is based largely on unresolved childhood issues and the lack of coping skills, as well as navigating the growing/maturing spurts that they should have navigated along the way. Keep in mind, priests and nuns can have MLCs too. So, it's not just based on being married or living w/someone...

Dig deeper for patience and keep your focus on you and your family and moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hunny,

There are some nasty MLCers but as job points out, there are different flavors. I think SBJ and I have “nice” non-monster spouses. Yet, all are depressed and selfish and their moral compasses are broken. I think we all compare and I find it helpful to learn from others’ experiences.

Job,

I find your comment about guilt interesting. I see no level of guilt in my spouse and maybe that’s why she’s nice. I never thought of that.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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I think nice is often just earlier in the process. Mine was "nice" at the very beginning when he was texting in front of my face and I was letting him come home, because he had what he wanted. When I booted him out, and the days leading up to it as I tried to establish boundaries, he became an evil, spiteful, monster. Now he is very quiet and cold, but messes with stuff behind my back.

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