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A Message from Michele
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Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: NicoleR] #2775465
01/15/18 12:10 PM
01/15/18 12:10 PM
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Posts: 1,481
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Coconut Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Coconut, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I'll soon be in your shoes. A lot of the things being discussed here are the same things I'm wondering about. Did you and your ex hug or talk at all after that? What do you think it'll be like when you see her now?


After we walked out of the courtroom, we had to wait for someone to give us our "true" copy of the divorce decree. While waiting, I walked away to blow my nose, and when walking back I saw her leaving, I asked her if they called us for the copies, and she said yes, they called you. That was the only communication, there was no eye contact or any other form of communication.

As for future communication, I'd love to say next time I'd walk up, say hi, and just not give a $hit, but that's unlikely for me to pull off. Fact is I hate her, not disengaged, I know, but I would never have anything to do with her again if it wasn't for my son. I expect I'll run into her again at his graduation, his college grad, and his wedding. Other than that, I don't expect to see or hear about her. I'll do my best to not give a Sh, and we will see how that goes.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Coconut] #2775467
01/15/18 12:32 PM
01/15/18 12:32 PM
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I just wanted to add there is a bit of weight lifted after the D is final. I Held off dating while M because I didn't want to add additional layers of challenges to reconciliation (or at least being willing to see what could happen), plus I didn't want to start a new R as a M man.. Now that the D is final, I find myself engaging in more conversation, more open to let new people in. The memories of her haven't completely faded, but I definitely feel more open to new possibilities and not like I have to hold back.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Coconut] #2775565
01/16/18 12:35 PM
01/16/18 12:35 PM
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It’s these types of interactions that make me think of that song “somebody that I used to know”...glad to hear you now feel some of that weight lifted. Good for you. You’ve been carrying that weight for a long time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Gordie] #2775571
01/16/18 01:27 PM
01/16/18 01:27 PM
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Glad you are healing up so well. Hopefully you can let go of the hate, fully detach.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Subitai] #2775599
01/16/18 10:21 PM
01/16/18 10:21 PM
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I am sorry to hear that your M is over. Time will heal the hatred and anger you have. It took me until the end of last year to not give a darn about xW and also to feel good about who I am and what I deserve. I hope you can get there faster than that.

Cherish the time with your S and make the most of the time you have for yourself. All LBS’s deserve to be good to themselves. We have all worked hard to do the best we could to save our Ms. Time to focus on us.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: J5K] #2775783
01/18/18 04:49 AM
01/18/18 04:49 AM
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Coconut Offline OP
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Thank you all,

I'm doing fine, and although it's only been a little over a week, I have not dwelled on the past and have been able to just focus on enjoying the here and now, with some thought about the future.

I don't think i'll be posting in this thread anymore, I've started a thread in the surviving the Big D forum, and will post there. I don't expect that i'll abandon the boards, as I believe that I can offer help to others and want to pay it forward.

Anyway, I want to once again thank everyone that helped me navigate the whirlwind of the last 21months, and especially those that were there for me in the first few months. I needed all of your support, and you gave it without question.

Sandi2, WONKA, you two are incredible people, you really helped me through the darkest times of my life, and while my M was not saved, your guidance helped me save myself.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Coconut] #2775880
01/18/18 02:32 PM
01/18/18 02:32 PM
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Thank you for the kind words. I agree that you have a lot to offer others on the board. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: sandi2] #2776179
01/21/18 02:36 PM
01/21/18 02:36 PM
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Coconut - you will be missed. Swing by and see us some time.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: bigybiz] #2776424
01/23/18 02:12 PM
01/23/18 02:12 PM
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Coconut,

No one wishes any one to walk through the painful journey as a LBS, but I am glad that I could be of some help to you in some way. You have grown over the past several months. My only advice is to be mindful of your trigger happy tendency in being quick to blame others for your mistakes or missteps. True maturing is when one recognizes those mistakes and NOT repeating them nor bringing them over into the next relationship. That is a real growth, my friend.

Now look at this as a new adventure in learning more about Coconut and see how he unfolds like a lotus flower! All the best as you write new chapters in the big book of Coconut! cool Be open to new experiences...and pick yourself up if you do fall down at times.

You'll do just fine, buddy. laugh

Re: What should I be doing now? (It's done) [Re: Wonka] #2776507
01/24/18 06:29 AM
01/24/18 06:29 AM
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nice to hear from you all, Wonka, I still have a lot to learn, but I do my best to implement things I've learned into everyday life.. in general, I am striving to be better.


Just note-padding here:

This is something Sandi2 posted on another thread, I wanted to post it here so I can find it later (it's good stuff).

Okay, let's talk about the Alpha and Beta behavior. You are thinking too much about talking to your W. Too much talking is too Beta for most women. Lots and lots of talking is what women do......b/c that is how they are wired. Women are not attracted to a man who talks as much as she does. Do you understand what I mean? I don't mean to never say a word or have a conversation, but we aren't attracted to the chatty-cathy types. If there is a group of men, it's the strong silent type that draws the attraction of a woman.

When you do say something, lead with your words. You are the leader in your family, and in the M. You don't ask her permission, except in very specific circumstances. You tell her what you are doing, and then leave the decision to follow up to her. If she objects you can discuss it. However, not having a plan, or leaving all the planning to her......is Beta. Being weak-willed in how you execute your plan, or even indecisive as you speak to her about your plan, all of that is Beta. Knowing what you are going to do and then communicating that clearly to her is Alpha.

When you speak to her, maintain eye contact. Never drop your eyes or glance around nervously. If she interrupts, let her have her say. You do not interrupt her, b/c that's what women do......not what strong Alpha males do. When you speak.....do it slowly and quietly. You speak out of reason, not out of emotions. Always maintaining your eye contact with her.

An example of Alpha & Beta in an unpleasant situation where the WW is disrespecting the H, being a b'tch, throwing a fit, or whatever. Speaking quietly, but firmly to her, and if warranted, using harsh words and even profanity.....is a strong Alpha move. Pleading with her, whining, interrupting, and raising his tone over hers unnecessarily is Beta.

Learn to posture yourself like a "tall, dark, and handsome" Alpha. Stand and walk with your shoulders back and head held up. Don't slouch. When standing, keep your hands either behind your back, in your pocket. Don't use your hands to talk with. Make slow, deliberate actions, not quick, nervous or jerky.

When out in public with your W, grab her hand to lead her through a crowd. Use her elbow to steer her gently at parties. Place your hand on the small of her back. Put a possessive hand on her arm, her shoulder, or (most Alpha) the back of her neck. Loom ominously over her shoulder. But always ensure that it's YOU who is controlling the action.

Women like to be sexually dominated by a Alpha male. I don't mean domineering. Domineering is not dominating. Women are natural responders. Sometimes, the woman may like to initiate, but the Beta male is always waiting for the woman to lead, or decide, if there will be sex.....and that can lead to a SSM. The Apha male doesn't demand it, but if there's a reason there is no sex, he'll find out what it is....and it will be dealt with. The Beta suffers, while hoping and waiting for his W to call the shots in the bedroom.

If you will go on line and search for male dominance, you can find a beginner's guide that will give basic instructions. I doubt you will find much of it on this forum, but you can research it elsewhere.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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