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Thank you job and Dawn.

I am craving cauliflower and broccoli cheese. Fruits and vegetables Juice.

No idea why.

This is my third meal of broccoli on the run. Chased with veg juice and tomato juice with peppers and cinnamon

My body saw the packet of almonds and macadamia nuts and ate them.

WTF?

Where is the prosecco or bacon sandwich craving?

Gone.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I spent the day today on aged pa probate, clearing the cosy flat that was home to aged pa and ma for 30 odd years.

I collected the cDs, pictures and dvds to sort through. Pictures to scan or discard, records to record or books to read. I am the family archivist it seems.

I have spent the last few days in tears.

The charity shop clearance came for the furniture and the skip was full. Clothes donated, old food to the recycle.

I stand alone in this cosy flat now empty of dreams and laughter. It is the last time that I see it as it has been sold. I touch the walls with great sadness and grief. No more will I watch football with aged pa, eat ginger biscuits and talk about urgent health matters. This symbolises more than death and loss, I don't want to let go of aged pa but I must. It is as if he whispers to me "let go". It is hard to let go of someone you love so deeply as I love aged pa, to let go of a future dream of generations around a tree, to let go of hope of just one more year of family home.

I have one more big emotional task to agree with glam sis the wording of the grave stone and to pay for that. Tomorrow I will go to the grave to talk to aged pa. Truly he was more at the cosy flat and the cold empty outside earth is not where I want to go. In the cosy flat, aged pa seems close and I can hear him and sense his laughter. Not so at his grave, although I now own the family plot. His dream of us being reunited in it on death will fail, it is not where I want to be. The grave holds 3 and will take a further 6. I can not find aged pa at his grave.

I am lost.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Posts: 8,855
V
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For those who know I have music for the backdrop of my life

This is today's song


Broken
Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort
It let's me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
Barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (In your name)

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Lady V, wow , you paint a very sad but somehow lovely image with the memories of your dad in the empty home.

Loss is so difficult because it has to be set, we have no choice.

Right now any words i have wont help but down the road you have fantastic memories to remember. Ever since you first mentioned Aged Pa and his immediate dislike of that ex of yours and aged Pas threat to sort him out , i have been a fan. He lived a great life and raised atleast one , kind, compassionate, intelligent , tough , sensitive daughter.

I'm not religious in the slightest but i do believe his spirit is with you forever.

From your great stories and description of him , i think he is someone we all would have been lucky to have had in our lives and you got to have him as a dad, how lucky can you get.

Stay strong Lady V and take care, Rd ( huge hug )

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Oh, dearest V, Pa is with you in your heart. You have many lovely memories in the flat, but he is not there - he lives in your heart and soul.

I lost my dad 15 years ago in another country. His birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. He was acutely and closely with me here in the US, and has never left me completely.

Just listen and feel, he will be with you when you least expect it.

Much love.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Lady V, as RD said there is likely little comfort in anything any of us could say. But we walk this road with you, beside you, virtual hands and arms holding you, emanating the love we feel for you, we are mirrors of all the love you have given to each of us. Please know that you are loved and treasured beyond all words. We are here. I am here. Always your friend JellyBxxx

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(((V)))


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Hey V.

Stop banging your head please!

Perhaps you won’t really let go of aged pa until you have said goodbye with the headstone etc done?

The saying goodbye is only a token of course. You are really letting yourself move on. You will never say goodbye because you will think of him so much. Your thoughts of him will provide comfort and smiles rather than such sadnes, in time.

I promise.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
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WSpew
EAresumes I halt
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DBIng4/2016




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Thank you Ju, Jellyb RD, Painter and Surfer.

I disappeared into a deep dark cave of despair.

Didn't help that I had a head bash and a very bad chest infection. I feel sometimes unable to hold it together.

Life is dull and in black and white.

Small things which never bothered me now do so. I ceased my intense exercise regime because of the chest infection and am struggling to get it going again. I lose weight very slowly, it's an ongoing battle. I also need to do a great deal of exercise and eat very little. It's the way I am made.

I feel like I aM constantly struggling financially too. The courts awarded the G a big chunk of change and it's a struggle to pay it. Sometimes I cut back on food and heat. The boiler broke and I couldn't afford the repair but a kind client temporarily resolved it for me so at least I can have heating every third day.

I am tired, very tired and weary and so looking forward to sunny days.

Still each day is a blessing. Last December I prepaid my gym for 12 months so there is a good lounge and showers here. Oh and heat.

College is a mixed bag, I have passed every exam but I always think I have failed them.......

I do feel unmotivated and lack joy of life. But I get by. I guess this is what loss does for us.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Posts: 2,227
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Hi Lady V, sorry to hear about your health and financial problems. You are dealing with alot and doing so with courage and determination. It's easy for you not to feel that you are but you really are. Your D seems to be taking a very long time and that is very wearing, stay strong because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care , Rd

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