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A Message from Michele
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Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: rd500] #2779972
02/26/18 11:31 AM
02/26/18 11:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
C
CaliGuy Offline
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CaliGuy  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,516
California US
Wow Sotto

That's a good deal of all that mirror work paying off in spades being able to articulate your new and now Boundaries without reservation to what someone else does with them. I too have found I am much more rigid when it comes to my personal deal breakers and its amazing how much healthier it is for all involved regardless of the outcome.


M: 44
W: 44
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: CaliGuy] #2780061
02/27/18 06:05 AM
02/27/18 06:05 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
CA
M
mleigh4 Offline
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mleigh4  Offline
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M
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,447
CA
Hi Sotto. I'm impressed with your set boundaries and standing by them. I also like your openness and honesty with this guy and his response. I don't think there is anything wrong with being cautious, especially after what you have been through. Like Cali said, I agree it's healthy and best for all involved.

You have always had such style and grace, and fine being on your own. Boy do I get that! I know you will take it at your own pace, and he would be a lucky guy to have your company. Enjoy yourself and keep us updated.

M


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: mleigh4] #2780262
02/28/18 10:50 PM
02/28/18 10:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
Everything RD said and more. xoxoxo you absolutely are the prize here!


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: bttrfly] #2781031
03/08/18 05:56 AM
03/08/18 05:56 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
Sotto  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Ah, thanks so much you guys! Things are going well with this guy. I certainly enjoy his company and there is mutual attraction and sparks between us. He initiates quite a bit too, which I like. I am still cautious and I'm not really looking for someone to marry, live with or share finances with. We've had that chat...

We had a great evening out last week - really lovely. Laughed a lot and had kiss at the end of the evening, which had sparks bouncing around in me for a day or so after (it's been awhile...) I later realised that this night was the final day of the 4th year after BD1, where I found a huge trail of emails between XH and his affair partner. It was nice to see that four years can get any of us to this place. The important thing is to be on the path..

What I feel within myself is much more comfort and I do feel I have settled into me. I have less fear about how things may unfold and I enjoy myself more. I'm more direct and I say if something isn't working for me, or if I enjoy something about someone. It's a work in progress for sure, but when I compare 'me' when I met XH to 'me' now, she is different and in a good way. This guy isn't really central to that, but he does feel like a nice addition just now...

Otherwise, I am still doing plenty with friends, working hard and caring for Mum. I often think about an article a good friend shared with me about the 3 great loves in your life - love of self, love for others (widest sense - nurturing relationships with family, friends, animals..) and doing things you love - finding that sense of flow, and activities that bring purpose, meaning and joy. I see these things, along with gratitude, as the gift of happiness.

Anyway folks, I just want to say that there is another side, and for many of us on this rocky road, we feel that we may never reach it. Have I reached it? Who knows?? But we do ultimately get there, and we rediscover peace and joy - and ourselves! I feel so much more grounded now, and I operate much more from my own value set than a sense of what others want and may think. It's freeing..

Best wishes to you all and I'll keep you posted. I have so many good memories of special people on this forum who pay forward the help they received to others and it really can make a huge difference. It certainly has to me and for that my heartfelt thanks.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: Sotto] #2781117
03/09/18 01:27 AM
03/09/18 01:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,937
Massachusetts
Brava my lovely !!! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: bttrfly] #2783588
04/01/18 11:45 PM
04/01/18 11:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
Sotto  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi all, just dropping by for a quick date and because I had an interesting exchange with the guy I am seeing. All is going well for me - still busy with friends, parent support, work etc.etc...and life is generally good here.

So, something happened with the guy I have been seeing and I was unhappy about it. I felt rejected and triggered. I'll avoid specifics, but he did something that XH did when he was having his affair and I felt the same (horrible) way. It wasn't actually a huge thing, so I think I need to own my reaction to it too. But it was significant enough to me that I wanted to raise it.

Previously I don't think I would EVER have raised this kind of thing and I felt it was really hard to do so. So difficult that I waited until he reached out, then I just wanted to text about it. Then I thought calling was best and so I did manage to call. But I was so worried about it I actually scripted out what I wanted to say.

Anyway, the good news was I said it and we had a conversation about it. I was calm and explained what my experience of it had been and how I had felt. I asked him if what I had been doing had been okay for him and I asked about his response at the time. He was unaware that he had done this and unaware that it had upset me.

He was completely taken aback. Flustered and nervously overtalking . But the good news was I was able to sit with his discomfort too and not jump in to rescue or downplay how I had felt to make him feel better. He probably responded as best he could 'in the moment' and also said that he both liked my directness and also found it difficult. He isn't used to being with a woman who is direct in that way.

I'm sure we'll talk about this again as he wanted to think about what I had said. But I was pretty happy that I managed to raise things in the way that I did. I find doing that excruciating and I feel vulnerable. But I am coming to realise that it is more important to dig deep and have the tricky conversation. And however things unfold, I just think it is the way I am now - it is my path. Others may or may not want to be on that path with me, but that's okay...

Anyway, hope everyone is having a lovely Easter weekend, and I just wanted to share that one. It does help me see that I have travelled a distance and that the mirror work at the time of crisis does impact greatly (in a good way!) on my life going forwards. Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: Sotto] #2783598
04/02/18 01:15 AM
04/02/18 01:15 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
G
Gordie Offline
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Gordie  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,585
USA
Sotto,

I am so happy and proud of what you did.

This is Sotto 2.0–healthier and stronger.

It takes courage to make these changes.

And yes, for a man, it can be uncomfortable to be on the receiving end but in the end, is healthier for both of you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: Gordie] #2783600
04/02/18 01:20 AM
04/02/18 01:20 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,644
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,644
Southern Maryland
Sotto,

I am happy that you spoke to him about your concerns. It's better to be up front and just get it off your chest about the trigger. Good for you!

Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: job] #2783671
04/02/18 06:24 AM
04/02/18 06:24 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
R
rd500 Offline
Member
rd500  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
+1 for handling it the way you did. I've said it before but don't forget your the prize here and if someone dosent agree or treat you that way then move forward. Hard discussions lead to resolution, avoidance leads to discontenment and resentment.

You chose the right path.

Value yourself and others will too.

Take care , Rd

Re: A grateful heart.. [Re: rd500] #2797157
06/21/18 09:43 AM
06/21/18 09:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline OP
Member
Sotto  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi all, I just wanted to drop in with a little update. I haven't been reading or posting much lately, but all is going well with me.

Still busy with the usual stuff - work, parent care, friends and social activities. I keep in touch with SS who has a milestone birthday next month. He and his Mum decided to head back to the US this Autumn, so that will be a loss, but they want to be near to her family - and I have promised to visit at some point.

I'm still seeing the same guy and that's generally going well. We've had a few ups and downs and almost parted on one occasion. Truly, it's not that easy navigating the new issues you face in a relationship. I also think that I'm quite direct now, and I don't rug sweep if something's bothering me and this does lead to some conflict. But we do seem to genuinely like each other and enjoy each other's company.

I guess a romantic relationship isn't as central for me as it once was. I enjoy the company and I'm invested, but I also like a balance with other friends and activities and this is where some of the conflict stems from - my availability and the pace of how our relationship progresses. So - largely positive, with a few challenges I would say. I like him though smile

I hear nothing at all of XH and have no idea what he's up to. I'm still very much on the mindfulness path and I feel that has made a big difference in my life. I'm more aware of some of the stuff I do now - people pleasing, not asking for what I need - and I catch them more quickly, which is good - a journey and a work in progress for me.

Anyway - that's it for now, but I will say that four years out and I really don't have significant regrets. I am grateful for my life as it is now and I'm happy with where I'm at. I wouldn't really have believed that to be possible soon after BD, so I hope this may give some hope to anyone at an earlier stage. Truly I think the important thing is to be on the right path - the one towards letting go, doing inner work, focusing on you, and leaving your MLCer to take their own journey....

Very best wishes to you all xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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