I'm not sure of the laws in your state regarding commitments. In my state a patient sees the judge at the psychward every two weeks. The treating team advocates for continued hospitalization or discharge. The judge usually agrees with the teams request. I would consult a lawyer regarding finances ssap. In my state you are 50% responsible for assets or debts.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Oh and regarding communication with the hospital. If ur wife asked that there be no communication they will have honor her request due to confidentiality laws.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I'm not sure of the laws in your state regarding commitments. In my state a patient sees the judge at the psychward every two weeks. The treating team advocates for continued hospitalization or discharge. The judge usually agrees with the teams request. I would consult a lawyer regarding finances ssap. In my state you are 50% responsible for assets or debts.
So it turns out she is being released. She's going to be staying with my sister for the time being. I reached out to the guy in California who is going to do everything he can to tell her not to come back. I'm hoping she can stay there and continue on the medication, and also wakes up to the fact she is not some grandiose movie star personality.
Ugh, I feel like the healthcare system has failed us.
I might call the super and ask him to change the locks on my apartment, just so there's no chance of her getting in. I feel like any interaction with her right now will not be positive. I'm thinking of going dark and not replying to her calls. At least until she acknowledges that she did a lot of wrong to me and wants to talk like a civil human being.
So if my wife asks my sister about me, what should my sister say? I know this isn't a normal situation, and she admitted to my sister that she still loves me and care about me, but can't be with me because of who I am and that in 3 years time hopefully she and I can be friends. So it's clear she still has some degree of love for me even in her delusional state. In her mind, I'm the offender and the one who's done everything wrong.
Maybe just keep it short and generic like, "he's doing ok"? Or would it be good to say something more like "He hopes that you're healing and he's doing ok himself."
Very sorry to hear about what you've gone through, it's just awful. Setting aside your wife's possible mania, you've definitely set the table that she can do whatever she wants and you'll be there to pick up the pieces and do whatever you can to get her back. As a result, she has absolutely no fear about losing you, and therefore no motivation to do anything to heal things between you.
It seems like in your relationship you've done a lot of caretaking even preceeding this episode -- making dentist appointments for her, rescheduling them for her when she decided she didn't want to go, making her soup, etc. etc.
There's "being a nice spouse" and then there's "being a surrogate parent" and it feels (to me) like you've been way over the line with the caretaking/saving/parenting behavior.
Do you see this and agree with this?
When you act that way, you're relieving her of the need to be responsible, because you're effectively taking on the burden of responsibility in her life.
Then, she can take advantage of you and you keep coming back for more.
Your relationship has gotten in a fairly serious imbalance of her being "one up", doing whatever she wants to do, and you metaphorically clinging on to her leg so she won't leave you.
You need to end that. The only way she's going to value you is if you act like a person to be valued.
Does that make sense? She is an adult, therefore she needs to be treated like an adult and to live with adult consequences, and you need to establish boundaries for how you will and will not be treated.
You cannot control her, you can't change her decisions. She will do what she will do, but you can choose how you will respond, including rejecting treatment that you can't accept.
You need to be willing to blow things up and walk away if pushed too far, and she needs to know that.
Right now, you've established that you will always be the one to cave in, apologize, and come back with your tail between your legs asking to make things right. Where is that going to get you longer term?
I realize that changing this dynamic comes with lots of fear -- you're terrified of losing her.
Accept that -- embrace it, and get some help in dealing with it. You should be seeing a therapist yourself regarding your caretaking role in this relationship, your fear of losing her, and where this stems from. You can change this relationship by changing yourself.
Her potential mental illness is certainly an issue to be contended with, but if we put that aside your behavior in this relationship was leading you to a bad place regardless.
I strongly suggest you enlist some professional health from a competent therapist and focus ON YOU, not on her and what is wrong with her.
As others have said, regardless of whose name is on the bank and credit card accounts, as her spouse you are 50% liable for any debt she accumulates, so you should enlist a lawyer to see what you need to do to protect yourself.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm glad to hear you're ok and that your wife got a diagnosis and treatment. That's odd she's already being released though. I think your decision to go dark and wait to hear from her is a good move, provided you're simultaneously protecting your financial interests and monitoring what's happening with her through family. I really wonder if someone like that is able to think clearly enough to see what they've done wrong? Your situation is almost more complicated than a spouse that simply wants to leave because their not happy or having an affair because on one hand, your wife is seriously ill so this isn't solely about you getting a life or doing a 180, and on the other hand it's hard to know how things will turn out for her to know if there's still a chance for the marriage.
I hope your wife does quickly realize how bad she treated you and approach you to apologize. Maybe as the treatment works and she settles down she'll start to think more? We can only hope!
I'm glad your wife got diagnosed and hopefully the lithium is kicking in. It's almost impossible to keep someone against their will more than two weeks; the way the case law has evolved, if you're capable of eating out of dumpsters and sleeping under a bridge they'll let you out.
Don't take anything personally and don't feel like you have to do anything right now. You can't really tell anything about your relationship until she returns to sanity. Don't mess with her finances but it's ok to not be in a rush to return her credit card.
Your sister can just say you're doing ok. She should avoid relationship discussions with your W for now. It's awfully good of her to take your W in like this. Do what you can to support her recovery behind the scenes, but stay out of the way. And keep focusing on creating your best life, as you have no guarantee that when she returns to sanity she'll come back to the marriage. She may, or she may not. Just stick to the high road and give her some space.
