Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[joejoe1]

First, I want to say thanks for all the advice from, AS, Sandi, 25, TxHubby, Holding, J9, M, and many others.

Second, this is the beginning of a new journey, my wife and I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of issues to ensure I constantly deal with and don't regress.

Third, I want to come back and give as much advice about what I did in my Sitch and what's going on in my Sitch, so I can be a testimony for others. Also, I don't want others to think it's over when there S tells them they want to be in the M. From reading other posts, I realize that the hard work begins now.

Fourth, at first I was trying to take the words each vet told me literally, but I started to realize that I have to learn to applied what worked for my Sitch, essentially trying different things, testing them out and seeing if it worked (To be honest I was scared to try a few things, because I thought I might make my Sitch worst, but what's worst then losing your family is what I told myself). It's no right way or specific information to fit any Sitch. Each S is different and need their own approach. The concepts to be applied are the same, but the way they are applied and what concept will work, will only be known by the LBS.

The hardest thing for me was truly understanding the concepts being presented here on the forum, the second hardest thing was the application. The third was understanding the results. Learning, what detachment, 180s, GAL, and distancing can become confusing, so constant refreshing and asking question from the Vets help and still do help. Detachment and distancing takes the longest to understand IMO. AS, constantly gave me 2X4s on detaching and doing it with love, and I can't think him enough for that.

First, try your best to fully understand the concepts that we are applying, watch the application to see its effects, and remember if the results were good or bad. Only the LBH know if they are good or bad.

Doing my convo yesterday with my wife, she gave me more information that fits with what Sandi has told us about WW.

My wife words from yesterday:

She told me she was really reckless this summer and she had to wake up. She told me she didn't know what had come over her the last three weeks, but she just started to feel her heart open up for me. And her feeling herself come back to herself. She slowly started coming out the place where she was at. One reason for that, was because of the changes she saw in me. The changes she saw start to help her see her way out. She said if I would of not changed no telling where she would be or at the this point our M.

She told me, essentially, not exact words, that she saw me as the better man. Hence making myself a person only a fool would leave.

She also told me she felt really dirty and spoiled, (I wondered if she was on this board or maybe another one, because of some of the stuff she has said). And that makes her not really want to touch me or me touch her. But last night, she laid in my chest while we watch Netflix (The Iron Fist, a good show). She also told me she was sorry again and gave me a hug.

I don't know how, but I never got angry or resentful with my W (I know how, through GODS grace), but I did get fed up. In my heart I also know the night when I gave her two choices, (either she could leave and do what she want with OM or stay and stop what she was doing) and I meant it and she could see it in my eyes and face, it had some impact, I don't know how much but it did. I didn't stop her, I didn't beg her to stop talking to him, I didn't plead, I just wanted her gone. I might fine out later on if it had impact from her and if I do, I will def come back and post it here.

Thanks, Jim, Holding, 25, and Sandi for the new info, Sandi, thanks for telling me not moving to fast and trying to get in all my questions in one night.

[AnotherStander]

Awesome news Joe, congratulations! I agree with 25, you're not "officially" in piecing yet but these are some really great signs that you're on the doorstep. Very happy for you!

Second, this is the beginning of a new journey, my wife and I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of issues to ensure I constantly deal with and don't regress.

You are exactly right. This is not the time to wipe your brow and say "wow I'm glad that's over" and go back to old habits (I know you won't, but you'd be surprised how many people do just that). A lot of the DB'ing principals aren't just for a marriage in trouble, they are for a healthy marriage as well. So stick with it!

Third, I want to come back and give as much advice about what I did in my Sitch and what's going on in my Sitch, so I can be a testimony for others.

Awesome! Paying it forward is why a lot of us are still here after years

AS, constantly gave me 2X4s on detaching and doing it with love, and I can't think him enough for that.

You are welcome, glad to hear I helped in some small way

She told me she was really reckless this summer and she had to wake up. She told me she didn't know what had come over her the last three weeks, but she just started to feel her heart open up for me. And her feeling herself come back to herself. She slowly started coming out the place where she was at. One reason for that, was because of the changes she saw in me. The changes she saw start to help her see her way out. She said if I would of not changed no telling where she would be or at the this point our M.

It's a great sign that she's opening up to you like this, she's not really saying anything unexpected (it's typical WAS stuff) but the fact that she's sharing it with you shows a pretty major change of heart in her.

She also told me she felt really dirty and spoiled, (I wondered if she was on this board or maybe another one, because of some of the stuff she has said).

Good, remember to validate at times like this. Do not try to tell her things like "oh no honey, it's fine, you're not like that at all" because that is the wrong thing to say. You don't want to downplay what she's going through. Just validate- "I hear you saying you felt dirty and spoiled, that sounds like a very difficult thing to go through, I'm sorry you are struggling but I'm happy that you're finally working through these feelings with me."

You're doing great, keep it up!

[joejoe1]

AS,

When and how will I know I'm in piecing?

[AnotherStander]

AS,

When and how will I know I'm in piecing?

First you both need to realize there are deep-seated reasons you ended up here, and you cannot work through them effectively on your own. Just as you needed a lot of help to get through the DB'ing phase, you need help getting through piecing too. Look for a solutions-based MC, I think Michele has a list of resources on her web site. Also check into Retrouvaille, it is fantastic for teaching communications skills, very important in piecing.

You're not "not piecing" one day and "piecing" the next, so you can't really put a date on it. But I think if you're both getting help and both remain on board with working on the M consistently over a few weeks or a month, that's when you can be secure that you're firmly in the piecing stage.

[25yearsmlc]

joe

I echo what AS said about piecing. Maybe if we could draw a line it would be

"both parties decide to work on the marriage = reconciliation.

"both parties work on themselves towards rebuilding & improving their marriage = piecing."

But I'm spitballing here^^.

Or maybe piecing is stage 2 of reconciling. As for the validating your w's negatives

- this is just a "PR" trial lawyer's comment,

don't repeat the specific negative remarks. You can say "that sounds painful" without saying

the words "dirty/spoiled". The repetition tense to reinforce them. Like Nixon saying "I'm not a crook."

He could have said "I'm honest", instead. See the difference?

Btw, in my opinion she's looking for reassurance and hoping things can be good, even beautiful.

So if you (both) get IC and learn what going "from this day forward" means, - letting go of the past - perhaps this could be a marriage that you both find more depth to.

Sure worth trying. And remember how moving it is for the mother to see her kids lovingly interacting with their dad.

I think it's an emotional turn on, so to speak.

***((( )))

[AnotherStander]

Or maybe piecing is stage 2 of reconciling. As for the validating your w's negatives

- this is just a "PR" trial lawyer's comment,

don't repeat the specific negative remarks. You can say "that sounds painful" without saying

the words "dirty/spoiled". The repetition tense to reinforce them. Like Nixon saying "I'm not a crook."

He could have said "I'm honest", instead. See the difference?

Good point. I was conveying the idea of "mirroring" so that she knows he's listening and hearing her, but you are quite right, mirroring her specific negative comments is not a good idea.

[sandi2]

How about an update, Joe? It concerns me that you haven't posted the past couple of weeks. Hope you are okay.

[CT1118]

Joe - update my man, I just read through the entire sitch. Wrapped up kinda quick to be good Shakespeare, not that I believe in Shakespeare, but it seems appropriate.

However it turns in or out for you my man, and for WIW, I thought this was one of the most important things I read you say...

But I have a chance to become the person version of myself right in front of her. My W gives me alot of clues, for what reason I don't know. She told me she knows that her mood affects how I acted around her.

Not because she could see it, DEFINITELY NOT because she realized she can affect your mood, but because for that shining moment you indicated seeing the potential of your true self inside of you. Believe in you, all other things shall follow, I guarantee it.

Truly do hope its worked out like you wanted.

[joejoe1]

Sandi and all,

Update time.

My wife and all have been doing good. We have been preparing for thanksgiving and Christmas. We have been having very intimate and hard conversations. We are listening to each other. We also take the time to explain to each other what we are upset about if we do get upset. A lot different than before.

She's given me an answer to all the questions I have asked.

Today was the first I have been by her parents house in months.

She has said on a few occasions now, without my changes(which is from DBing) she would of never changed her mind about us.

She told me today, that this is the first time she can truly feel that I love her.

She went to a job fair, I have really wanted her to work for years. The difference now, is that she is excited and feel supported by me.

Some of the things she told me about the OM. She said he had a lot of problems, but she wanted to believe the opposite. She told she was in a fantasy world, at first the A was fun, then she start to force the fantasy to be fun. She wanted just to be wanted, by any person but me. I made her feel like Sh!t. So anything but feeling like sh!t is all she wanted.

She says she is gaining respect for me again, (this is more important then love, without respect loving another person is impossible).

I'm still having trust issues. I know it's going to take time.

We haven't had sex, and I want to first time to be right. No pity sex. I want love making.

She calls and text me all day. I told her she I wasn't happy in the marriage for years as well and that she wasn't filling my love cup. She said she will work on doing that. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy has helped a lot. Now I'm more direct with my demands and I don't get upset with a "No" answer.

We are getting rid of our wedding rings. That marriage is dead. The W wants to get tatts on our ring fingers. I still want bands as well.

Overall, we are going in the right direction. This board has helped me save my M. Listening to the candid advice/2x4s were GOD sent.

I stop pursuing, gave her space, did 180s on myself and for myself and let her watch my changes. Stop talking about the M and R. And I made D and option. I start smiling and only presented myself around her when I felt positive. I never talked about negative stuff around her, and I smiling and laughed a lot. At first it was manufactured, but then in really started feeling that way.

Thank you all.

[joejoe1]

I made a lot of grammatical errors. I hate posting on my phone. If anything is confusing let me know.

I said has saved my M. This forum is helping me save my M. My wife and I still have toms of work to do and it won't ever stop.