Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 11, filing for D

[PsySara]

Sorry I've been MIA folks, just needed some time to breathe and regroup. Since you all have taken the time to post on my I will address each post.

KML,
To me it looks like you would've "won" regardless of your M outcome because you embraced the DBing wholehearted. I will continue to take a page from your book.

Henwen,
I decided to just let go of the rope and focus on my children. I wasn't pursuing D actively and I wasn't really even caring if WH moved out tomorrow.

ForGump,
I think WH is reaching his rock bottom, more to come on that soon.

Chris73,
Sometimes just knowing someone is walking with you on a very rocky road makes the pain halved, KWIM? Thank you.

25mlc,
I've done a sunk cost analysis and it really came out to, "Well, am I really losing anything by losing the marriage?" Nope. I've had two men at my work persue me hard and both told me to let them know if my WH is looking for a replacement. I...may have shared that with my WH. (insert evil smiley) In the end I just needed some time to regroup and jump back in the DB saddle.

Sky,
I made the mistake of putting all my eggs in one basket again, the Retrouvialle. In the end I forgot the main DBing rule, do what works and STOP doing what doesn't work. Retrouvialle is not for everyone, and my WH definitely would rather have his eyes gouged out with a hot spoon than spend another weekend being forced to express his emotions in such a regimented fashion. I thought if we tried to communicate in this structured manner that it would be a huge answer to our communication issues, come to find out I get more from him with DBing than with dialoging.

Leah,
Thank you so much. I wass ready for an onslaught of "I told you sos." and instead came to emotional comfort and support.

Ownit,
I once asked my 6 yo DD how she would felt if mommy and addy lived in different houses. She looked at me with her huge brown eyes and sad (with a trembling voice) "I have to go cry now." I felt a pressure on my chest that hasn't really left since then.

Nicole,
My WH is a...weird dude. He changes diapers, bathes babies, cleans boo-boos and almost cried when I started hinting that it was time for the kidlets to get in their own bed. His main defense though is typical of well....most men. He man-caves, he stops participating in all family activities and locks himself away. He kinda loathes the way women act in his culture, there is a LOT of henpecking and passive aggressive victim claiming. I don't think I've ever heard his mother say one positive thing about her life. My WH pays his parents mortgage and sends extra spending money. Meanwhile his sister (she is divorced from her arranged-marriage husband) lives there with her two kids and makes a crap ton of money and gives really nothing toward their care. But my MIL says my WH is a bad son, a bad Muslim and only complains when he calls. This explains a lot of his shutting down when criticism starts rolling in, it's like he's stuck as a berated child.

I will update on our M when I get back from the bathroom, kids are done and it's time for the routine.

[PsySara]

So an update, WH and I lived as roommates for the last few weeks and appeared completely comfortable with that. One night he came in the living room and started a relationship conversation and I kinda fell apart. I told him I had been doing a lot of thinking and came to an epiphany, WH told me on 1st Dday that he thought I would be just "disappointed" that he had a relationship with another woman. I told him that I was examining a lot of my behavior in our marriage before the A and found myself seriously lacking as a wife. I poured out my grief when I told him how I was reading a Gottman book in April '16 (before I started DBing) and felt a complete sense of helplessness as I realized how dis-engaged I was from our marriage all before Dday #1. I told him how I felt like a failure because I failed at nourishing our marriage and how he probably felt I didn't really love him. After all, how would he think I would just be disappointed finding out he was in a relationship with someone else? I said if I had shown the deep love I felt for him in the beginning, the constant "little things" then he would never have a doubt how I deeply I loved him.

Why did I do this? Because it was honest and authentic and I felt there was nothing left to lose if we were D'ing. The look of shock on his face was surprising for me. He answered slowly and carefully, like when you are talking to someone having a nervous breakdown. He said he was thankful that I was able to share that with him and that he felt we needed time to just try and be friends. I completely agreed and said I needed time and space to get my head on straight.

Today WH came to me again and asked if we could have a talk, I agreed. He said I had changed so much that he was always "on edge" waiting for the angry woman to return from Dday #1. He said he deserved every ounce of my rage but that he was not good at coping with it and sometimes he preferred to run away. He admitted this was immature and stupid and that he would work on it. He asked if we could continue to approach each other with our concerns and questions and keep it in this polite, gentle manner. I told him my goal was to be a more ACTIVE person than a REACTIVE person. He poured out a lot of his shame and deep sense of self betrayal but he was unsure if he would ever have "what it takes" to make it up to me. I told him I didn't want justice, I just wanted to see him make the effort.

The conversation was much longer and more involved but this was the gist. Overall we both walked away nervous of this new....something, not sure what it's called. He then sheepishly asked if we could go fishing together and if I could "play hooky" from Retrouvialle today. I agreed more because I felt I needed a break from all this "work" and just needed to be somewhere and NOT think. We spent 5 hours fishing and caught NADA. :lol: I came home relaxed, mildly sunburned and even my hair felt calm. WH keeps looking at me out of the corner of his eye and even touched me gently a few times. I feel...kinda...nothing isn't the right word, more like neutral? I've made it clear to him that I don't want physical intimacy from him as it confuses me and after all, we're just friends right now. He respects this and is not flirting or hinting.

So for now I am engaging the DBing techniques more for my own sanity. I am still neutral on whether or not to D or R. I am just sitting back and doing my thing. I will continue to GAL and focus on my kids, can't lose when I focus on them.

[CT1118]

Overall we both walked away nervous of this new....something, not sure what it's called.

PsySara, poked my head up...did not want to find old friends, but wanted to - as if that makes sense. Th quot I chose, so appropriate for where I am right now. I stopped for a long time, I found forgiveness for myself. After that, I withdrew without even realizing I had, I was just living my life. After that, all control fell into my lap and the irony was that I felt no desire to control. After that, I'm not sure what it's called. Perhaps why I visit tonight?

[J5K]

Hi Sara,

I wish we all had the right answers on what works for an M. It is clear that a happy M takes two people that want it. Is his fear of D because of attachment? I am not sure you will know or if he even knows the answer to that.

You have been DBing for a long time. When are you truly happy? Acceptance of a different sitch is not easy. I still struggle and still feel a connection, always will. I can't have what I want if the other does not want to give. Only you can create your own happiness, having someone to share it with is a bonus.

Continue to give yourself time.

I must say it bothered me when you said your H left Retrouvaille early and when he did not take his kids swimming.

He is living his life and feels no remorse for his actions. Good, bad or indifferent on the outcome, everyone needs to live their life how they choose.

Praying that he gets a huge 2 x 4 someday and wakes up to see what an amazing person he is with.

(((Sara)))

[skyhigh]

Sara,

Keep DBing, it is essential, that's the only way you will be able to find YOURSELF. It will help you to bring back confidence and serenity.

Living as roommates is a great way to avoid to have feelings/expectations when you are trying to figure out what you want (especially after all those ups and downs you have been through since January). You have been in pursuit mode almost no stop and trying to read his mind on a constant basis.

Also, it removes pressure not only on you, but also on him, since he has been reacting more than thinking those past 2 years, so having to figure out his own feelings/goals/future by himself without you trying to influence him might be beneficial for him too.

You are giving him the possibility to watch you become you true self without him having the excuses to justify his actions/words for whatever he does now. He won't be able to use your behavior and your words to "explain" his present decisions, so it means he will have also to act instead of react but you won't be the cause anymore since you are neutral. I hope you understand my "brainstorming".

But, it doesn't mean that you should drop your boundaries.

I totally get in when you said that you were feeling "neutral", because when you start to realize your own value and have your own expectations without no more compromises from your side only (thank you DBing), you start looking at your situation in a more objective manner and suddenly you realize that you don't need his constant validation anymore to be YOU, to be happy and to be desirable in the eyes of other men. Then you are starting to question yourself about what you allowed yourself to accept and how it destroyed you. You are in the process to have your self esteem back where it should be and it means reevaluating your feelings towards him. In plain language: "I am not ready to accept anything anymore just to have some crumbs of appreciation from you even if I still have some feelings from you, finally I value myself not in regard of what you think of me but in regard of what I think of me".

Take your time!

(((HUGS)))

[bigybiz]

Sara:

I'm sorry to hear about the negative developments. I can see from your posts over time that your diligence and commitment to yourself and your family is truly admirable.

You are on the right path for yourself and your kids.

[PsySara]

Whew! Been out and about so much I haven't had the time to update. For the last month things have been getting steadily better between WH and I. I continue to GAL and also be open to him joining me on my activities. This has resulted in him turning more and more toward me. He has begun to return to the dedicated father I used to know. He wakes early and prepares the children's breakfast before going to work, he tries to get off early to be home with me and the kids, he seeks my company. I've let go of the resentment and have really worked on managing my anger.

I think my DB coach said it best, when we are wronged we have this mentality of "Someone's gonna pay." But in the end the scales can never be righted and that is where forgiveness steps in. I could either be right or be happy. So I had to look at my WH and decide if I was going to hold his Affair over his head for the rest of our lives. Aside from me feeling righteous and vindicated there was no real "gain." WH continues to do things to make me feel safe in our marriage, he does not spend much time on his phone anymore, basically work stuff and that is it. No more apps that have questionable activities and he wants me near him a lot. He still struggles with the guilt and I see him crumble when the after effects still ripple. (I have multiple health issues after the fallout)

We're so different now, our relationship is nothing like it was before in our marriage. Part of me is sad because I don't have a lot of my previous held beliefs such as soul mates and knowing I am his "one." The fact of the matter is, I had grown complacent in our marriage and felt he would always be there no matter how much I neglected our marriage. Instead of the grass always being greener on the other hill I realized it's greener where you water it. He and I both need to work on our coping skills but it's a slow process. He will never be the kind of guy who seeks out workshops/books/counselors to work on us. But he is willing to try and change himself to be a better husband/father/man. MWD is definitely right about one thing, you have to do what works and STOP doing what doesn't work.

So I find that trying new things with WH, things that build positive thoughts and memories between us has a HUGE effect. He asks me constantly if I am ok, if I need anything from him, he jumps to help with the household, children and overall mundane activities of running a family. I, in turn, work on my own reactivity, showing him my softer and more vulnerable side, I laugh and smile more. I am truly happy.

Would I be okay with WH? Sure. But I am hoping we can grow old together and raise our beautiful children together. So far it looks like we may be reaching a turning point. Things are not like I imagined but I am finding joy regardless. The divorce has been halted and if we continue in this manner then I may even feel we are "piecing." He has turned toward me and is working as hard as I've ever seen, consistently.

MEasureable things?

He texts and updates me on his daily activities

We flirt a little and he is very attentive to my reaction

We try to carve a day a week just for us and couple activities

We touch a lot, hug and sometimes kiss

I try more daring things, I go on motorcycle rides with WH and will be signing up for rider lessons. (I secretly want a Grom, which is a hilarious bike to own.)

I go fishing with WH, shopping, walk the dogs, we try to find shows we enjoy watching together.

I really pay attention when WH tells me his thoughts, his dreams, his fears, his joys. I turn toward him, make eye contact and really engage.

I've been going to the gym again and watching my diet, overall I am working on a healthier lifestyle.

[NicoleR]

PsySara,

I don't have time to write much right now but just want to say that's such great news!!! That sounds like the best possible outcome. Sometimes it really does take a lot of time to see these results. Hopefully you and your husband will keep moving in the right direction. If I were you I'd be so, so happy. It's admirable that you hung in there and didn't give up. I wish so badly to see the same results with my husband. I hope you keep enjoying all the activities you've been doing with your husband.

One other note - you mentioned health problems after the 'fallout.' That's what's happening to me too. I'm 39 and otherwise healthy, eat well, etc.. I have no risk factors for what I have except, I guess, stress. I hope your problems can be managed or cured and won't stop you from all the excellent progress you made.

[J5K]

Sara,

What a turnaround! I am happy to hear that he is working hard on the M with you. You have worked so hard, I truly hope that your family stays together. Keep watering the grass where you are! Always in my thoughts and prayers!

J

[PsySara]

Hello friends! Just popping in to further update. WH continues to consistently show remorse and work towards making me feel safe. The other day he walked me around and introduced me to some friends (females included) and told me later it was so I could see who he talked with the most. One lady was a name that popped up often in convos...you can imagine my chagrin when she is in her 70s. No need for jealousy there, lol!

This week the baby was up all night with a stomach virus. I was still recovering from my own viral infection so WH asked me to move to the spare room so I could get some sleep. He spent most of the night up with the baby cleaning up vomit and comforting DS1. HE went to work the next day on about an hour of sleep. I hold still and just watch. This seems like the real deal but I am guarding my heart. I Feel blessed though. My children are doing well and my life is good.

Uh oh....just heard WH puke...need to go tend to him.