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#2762272 09/19/17 02:46 AM
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lcause Offline OP
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Previous thread over 100 posts, making a new one so Cadet doesn't have to remind me! smile

Link to old thread:

Rebuilding my life

Quick re-cap:
Came here to save my M
Never thought really to have any hope
Suspected OM, wife lies to have seen "a couple of times"
Reality: they spent every weekend together when D is with me
I went on spinning and really convincing myself I'm better off
Told stupid things to my XW (better without her etc), regretting it now
Destroyed the chances of a re-united family
Logically detached and accepted the situation, emotionally not even close
Hopefully someday I have a fulfilling life

So, today was a low-day for me. Free from work, very tired, been just sleeping the entire day waking up every hour or so. This f#cked up sleep is just getting the better of me. Got up from bed at 4pm, lol. Been so emotional today that I can't even understand. Now I just read some threads where their XW has had a baby with OM and man did that feel horrible. Panic attack made a comeback.

Well, day by day. Hoping for a better future smile Missing my kids so much. Feel bad about being a bit angry towards D this morning when I took her to school. I'm just so tired. She is very temperamental at mornings and she decided to lie to me. I raised my voice a bit saying that it isn't acceptable. I just want to sleep well again.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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Originally Posted By: lcause
Previous thread over 100 posts, making a new one so Cadet doesn't have to remind me! smile

Link to old thread:

Rebuilding my life

LC, look at the pattern below and see if you can learn from it. It really is up to you.


Quick re-cap:
Came here to save my M
Never thought really to have any hope


Did the hopeless outlook affect your behavior? Surrender is easier than making a consistent effort or a change.


Suspected OM, wife lies to have seen "a couple of times"
Reality: they spent every weekend together when D is with me

were you two separated then or had she filed for D?

I only ask b/c I think your w believes she did the heavy lifting in the m. Then she gave up. So maybe you both used the "hopeless" label to justify a course of action.



I went on spinning and really convincing myself I'm better off
Told stupid things to my XW (better without her etc), regretting it now

declarations based on our emotional state, let alone a relatively new one, does not help us. No need to share our moods or new beliefs, too soon - if ever. New Behavior will always matter more.

Regardless, wallowing in regret is what you did at the start of this.

Why not make a different choice?


Destroyed the chances of a re-united family


Making declarations like you "destroyed the chances of a reunified family" is a repeat of the first belief you had coming here. You said it was hopeless and that OM was a better fit and you chose a screen name "Lost Cause",

then you declared the opposite, the divorce was a "blessing", you were "happier and better off" without your w, AND you told your wife this.

Then you planned to move 80 miles away from your kids...

Today you swing back to the original theme. I cannot help but notice that

All of these beliefs & declarations require little behavioral changes in you.
What's up with that?


Logically detached and accepted the situation, emotionally not even close
Hopefully someday I have a fulfilling life


do you think you have any control in^^^^ creating this? Did you see an IC about it?


So, today was a low-day for me. Free from work, very tired, been just sleeping the entire day waking up every hour or so. This f#cked up sleep is just getting the better of me.

I understand. Sleep matters a lot.


Got up from bed at 4pm, lol. Been so emotional today that I can't even understand. Now I just read some threads where their XW has had a baby with OM and man did that feel horrible. Panic attack made a comeback.

This^^^ is so not productive.

I blocked my h and OW from the get go, thank God. It's a protective measure and it's also logical. There is nothing you can do about what they MIGHT do or think or plan or feel. Put a STOP sign in your mind if you need to, and redirect it to something positive or the image of water rolling off your back, etc. Sounds gimmicky but it helps.

Plus the more space you give them in your head/heart, the more stuck you will be and that is (not attractive to your w) and that is not happy for YOU.

If you have an IC, you can work with them on how to do more cognitive behavioral techniques that help.

Really, there are resources out there that make a difference.

I'm not making this up. cool



Well, day by day. Hoping for a better future smile Missing my kids so much.


did you move away from the kids? What about GAL on the weekends you don't have them? I know we have discussed this at length but do you see any value in getting out to meet new people?

What about joining a DivorceCare group? They are all across the nation. And they do not push their religion on you - ( it's just that it is mostly churches who host them.) We end our sessions with a prayer, about half the time. I have Hindus, Christians, some Jewish people and agnostics in my group.


- I just want to sleep well again.


Can you try a new behavior to help you sleep? I think you got the Insight Timer app, correct?

I admit to needing sleep aids at times, esp in the 3 am nightmare awakenings. Poor sleep causes depression, btw. So it becomes a cycle we have to break.

Where is your family, btw?

Hang in there.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Just a quick one regarding sleep. I use the app Headspace for meditation. In the premium content there is a sleep meditation that I use every night. It does not work every night, but I think that it does help me relaxing and making the transition to sleep easier.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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lcause Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

LC, look at the pattern below and see if you can learn from it. It really is up to you.

The thing I've learned is that waiting for the emotional side to die off takes long and before that I'm just not going to be able to function properly.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Did the hopeless outlook affect your behavior? Surrender is easier than making a consistent effort or a change.

I don't think it did. Because that's just how I've been. I don't need hope to change, I need time to get over her to change. It's not going to happen before that because I feel so dead inside.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

were you two separated then or had she filed for D?

She claims they started talking a week after BD but there were DEFINITE signs before BD. But the talking happened before D filing and PA was before S.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I only ask b/c I think your w believes she did the heavy lifting in the m. Then she gave up. So maybe you both used the "hopeless" label to justify a course of action.

Maybe she felt that way, but neither one of us had the proper relationship or conversation skills.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

declarations based on our emotional state, let alone a relatively new one, does not help us. No need to share our moods or new beliefs, too soon - if ever. New Behavior will always matter more.

Regardless, wallowing in regret is what you did at the start of this.

Why not make a different choice?

I know. I've just always been that way. It's easier to me then convince it really is there and to continue moving on. It was stupid.

You make it sound like I could just flip a switch and stop wallowing. I can't. My brains are just not wired that way. It'll take time for me to get over her.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Making declarations like you "destroyed the chances of a reunified family" is a repeat of the first belief you had coming here. You said it was hopeless and that OM was a better fit and you chose a screen name "Lost Cause",

then you declared the opposite, the divorce was a "blessing", you were "happier and better off" without your w, AND you told your wife this.

Then you planned to move 80 miles away from your kids...

Today you swing back to the original theme. I cannot help but notice that

All of these beliefs & declarations require little behavioral changes in you.
What's up with that?

Who knows? Maybe fear? Indecision? Trying hard to create synthetic happiness? Not being able to feel good in ANYTHING what I do? Not having a purpose? No passion towards anything? I feel so dead inside.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

do you think you have any control in^^^^ creating this? Did you see an IC about it?

Not until I'm over her. Nothing feels good because everything reminds me of it. I do see an IC, but it's rather pointless.

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

did you move aay from the kids? What about GAL on the weekends you don't have them? I know we have discussed this at length but do you see any value in getting out to meet new people?

Not yet. The university starts next year if I plan to attend. It's hard to get into though.

Not until I'm over her. Because no matter where I go, I just feel I want to be alone. I feel that interactions or being with friends is so overwhelming and I just want to escape.

Life definitely does not feel like an adventure to me, rather, life is a curse.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
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Sorry, this is all bass ackwards. You don't wait to get over her, then start making your life better. You make your life better, and THAT is what gets you moving toward being over her. Along with all of the other things countless posters have urged you to do.

If seeing your IC feels "pointless", then get another one. Keep trying until you find one that helps you. They are out there, and nothing in your sitch is exotic or too hard for any IC who knows what they're doing. This isn't to minimize your suffering, just to make sure you understand that there are really good ICs out there who will help you, and getting cheated on and losing your spouse isn't something they haven't seen and dealt with.

Look at your signature block at the end of your posts:

"Rope dropped, rebuilding my life for future adventures".

Get going!


Me: 46
W: 44
Married: 17
Together 21
D13; S10
BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you)
Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage
Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
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Originally Posted By: SwHubby
Just a quick one regarding sleep. I use the app Headspace for meditation. In the premium content there is a sleep meditation that I use every night. It does not work every night, but I think that it does help me relaxing and making the transition to sleep easier.


yes I've heard good things about headspace. Insight Timer works for me (and "Calm") but if they did not, I'd spring for one that did, even if it costs a bit. I never meditated before, either. I do now.

Sleep is under rated in our physical and emotional health.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
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lcause Offline OP
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Thanks but that's not how my brain works. I just need to get over her so I don't mentally puke and want to get back home every time I go outside meeting other people.

IC is pointless because it's all talk, no meds. Talk does not help. She can give all the possible methods and practices but it doesn't help if I can't keep doing them... and I don't do them because I don't FEEL any reward from them. I need meds or something more drastic than talk.

"Being cheated on" or "losing my spouse" is not at all what I'm concerned about. It's that I don't feel passionate about anything. I can do all the passion practices but I can never achieve them or start building my life towards them because nothing gives me any reward or good feeling. If I'd win $30M in lottery, I would probably be like "sigh, why didn't I win $60M?". The same as getting my MSc papers in EE. Most people would have thrown parties and celebrated. I just said that "whooppiduu now I don't have to buy toilet paper because I got some papers to wipe my ass clean to".

That's my issue. And that has been for years, not just since BD. I feel dead inside.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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Originally Posted By: JRuss
Sorry, this is all bass ackwards. You don't wait to get over her, then start making your life better. You make your life better, and THAT is what gets you moving toward being over her. Along with all of the other things countless posters have urged you to do.

THIS^^^^

LC, it's not about "inside out" (- "first I'll feel better and THEN I'll change...")

it is exactly the opposite. You GAL and then you feel better

you behave in more positive ways and THEN you feel more positive. Outside in.

Which is a lot more within our control, btw.

That is why I suggested the TED TALK videos on youtube (22 min each) by Amy Cuddy and Sean Achor

about positive psychology. IT's not psycho babble, they present empirical data that supports their theses.

Can't hurt.



If seeing your IC feels "pointless", then get another one. Keep trying until you find one that helps you. They are out there, and nothing in your sitch is exotic or too hard for any IC who knows what they're doing.


Get going!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 454
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lcause Offline OP
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I do meditate but it does nothing for the sleep quality. It makes me sleepy and I mostly fall asleep while listening to it, but I wake up several times a night ranging between 1min to 2 hours.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
2 young kids
new relationship
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: lcause
Thanks but that's not how my brain works. I just need to get over her so I don't mentally puke and want to get back home every time I go outside meeting other people.

IC is pointless because it's all talk, no meds. Talk does not help. She can give all the possible methods and practices but it doesn't help if I can't keep doing them... and I don't do them because I don't FEEL any reward from them. I need meds or something more drastic than talk.

"Being cheated on" or "losing my spouse" is not at all what I'm concerned about. It's that I don't feel passionate about anything. I can do all the passion practices but I can never achieve them or start building my life towards them because nothing gives me any reward or good feeling. If I'd win $30M in lottery, I would probably be like "sigh, why didn't I win $60M?". The same as getting my MSc papers in EE. Most people would have thrown parties and celebrated. I just said that "whooppiduu now I don't have to buy toilet paper because I got some papers to wipe my ass clean to".

That's my issue. And that has been for years, not just since BD. I feel dead inside.



since this^^ played a role in your marriage problems and family life

why isn't it something to work harder on? This is not a dress rehearsal.

You sound profoundly depressed.

Are you saying you have always been this way? Have you asked for meds or in patient treatment?

No shame in it



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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