Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Treasur,

This is such an apt description
Quote:
They either avoid things or flip-flop around, and their brains seem to be a bit like cheese with holes.


Ok, unless the preview screen is bonkers I may have finally figured out how to quote (but of course I haven't figured it out with the poster's name yet. Baby steps.

Yes, my H avoids everything. And he flip flops. Then he forgets what he just said or did. I always joke that every 5 minutes he is a new guy.

You still have lots of feeling and emotions about your H. Mine is no longer about love or hope, but more just logistical and trying to find ways to live my life with as little interference from him as possible. I think you'll be able to let go of the pain soon, I really do. i see the sun peaking over the horizon and it looks quite beautiful from here.

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Treasur Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Heartbreaking. Got this email, written at 0230 this morning.

Dear W

It's very late or very early, depending on your point of view I guess. And I'm sitting here wondering what has happened to get us to where we are. Listening to Mumford and sons first album on repeat for the third or fourth time. What's going round and round in my head is that this is all so silly. So very silly. And it's left me reflecting on how we got here and how it happened.

Over the past few months I've thought long and hard about my behaviour, my emotions and my feelings. What they've done to me. What they've done to you. I suppose most fundamentally what they've done to what remains of us. And the truth is I'm sorry for what I've done and for the things I haven't done. It's made a hard situation harder. I think at times neither of us have covered ourselves in glory, but I can clearly see my part in that and apologise. I could spend hours writing an excuse for it, and I have had my share of struggles to contend with along the way, but ultimately they're not the point.

And of course it's made me reflect on the past 20 years. A long time. On the good times and the bad and all of the things that have led to the now. And I suppose the now is what matters when alls said and done. I need to move on. You need to move on. We have talked and talked and emailed and texted and we're still stuck. In my reflections I've come to appreciate how very hard that must have been for you with everything else you have to contend with, and again, I apologise. The time for that talking has passed. We are different people now. We have both evolved, and I don't think either of us want to be stuck anymore going round and round and round in circles. We both need to go forward into whatever comes next.

And I don't altogether know what comes next for me. I might be running away and I might be moving forward but I'm looking at a new job which might be in a new country. Maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't but for me it feels like moving on.

And I guess it means we need to come to an agreement about how we split things up. I'll get my solicitor to send through what I hope will be a definitive settlement offer. It'll be fair, certainly fairer than they recommend, and a reflection of how things were for what I think of as both halves of our marriage. It'll probably take a few days but it will give us the chance to move on down the separate paths of our lives.

There is still a part of me that hopes when things are all settled and finished that we might be able to sit across a table with a cup of coffee and talk as two people. Who shared a lot together. Good things and bad things. Happy times and sad. Whether it happens in a month, a year or longer. But I don't know if that'll happen. And I can be at peace with it either way.

I think that sleep might come now that I've written this. So I suppose the best thing to say is goodnight.

H


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Treasur Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
I replied

Dear H

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Thank you for writing it though.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Ah Treasur, this would be hard. I NEVER get anything like this. You keep saying that he left without telling you why. That may be true, but most never get even this much.

Sorry to say, but while heart-felt, there is MLC script here big time. The first that jumps out at me is saying that going back seems too difficult and that wiping the slate clean seems easier. The second is that he seems to be one of those that thinks he needs the divorce in order to move past this emptiness inside him. At least he recognizes that it could be running away and may not solve the problems.

You know, and everyone here knows, that once he gets that divorce he will feel free for 6 months or so and then his world will truly crash down on him with the enormity of what he has done. He has to walk those steps though. You can't stop him. You can't save him from the pain.

I would not respond. It seems this has been hard on him and he wants to be honorable. Give him a break from the texting and talking and let him put through his agreement to the solicitor. Respond in kind. Let him take this next step that he thinks he needs.

Remember with love and kindness the man who is at least present enough to communicate these things and to recognize that it may not be the answer and that he feels a desire to meet with you again.

This really does explain why this has been so hard on you. There is clearly a decent person in there somewhere. As hard as it is, let him figure out that getting rid of you was not the answer. You know that you get to decide when he leaves your heart, not him.

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Treasur Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
You're so right, OwnIt. It was a surprise. It shouts MLC. He is a decent person. I need to let him go. I think he'll always be in my heart but I need to let him go to fix himself or not.

I'm posting this exchange really as a bit of MLC sharing. I'm not trying to save my M. Too late for that, but it might help others to read. I'm not sure I'll stay on this forum for much longer either

I thought hard, and did reply, because there are so many practical things that have kept us stuck, not just legal stuff. My reply is in bold.

Dear W

It's very late or very early, depending on your point of view I guess. And I'm sitting here wondering what has happened to get us to where we are. Listening to Mumford and sons first album on repeat for the third or fourth time. What's going round and round in my head is that this is all so silly. So very silly. And it's left me reflecting on how we got here and how it happened. It is all so silly, I agree. It’s been bewildering. I listen to After the Storm a lot.

Over the past few months I've thought long and hard about my behaviour, my emotions and my feelings. What they've done to me. What they've done to you. I suppose most fundamentally what they've done to what remains of us. And the truth is I'm sorry for what I've done and for the things I haven't done. It's made a hard situation harder. I think at times neither of us have covered ourselves in glory, but I can clearly see my part in that and apologise. I could spend hours writing an excuse for it, and I have had my share of struggles to contend with along the way, but ultimately they're not the point. It has been much harder than maybe either of us wished, but in the end it is as it is. Good and bad. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done which have added to that, but I just flailed around not knowing what to do. To be honest, I had a breakdown. The multiple grief and confusion was too much for me. But last week I woke up and felt like me again which is nice. This storm has battered me but it hasn’t broken me.

And of course it's made me reflect on the past 20 years. A long time. On the good times and the bad and all of the things that have led to the now. And I suppose the now is what matters when alls said and done. I need to move on. You need to move on. We have talked and talked and emailed and texted and we're still stuck. In my reflections I've come to appreciate how very hard that must have been for you with everything else you have to contend with, and again, I apologise. The time for that talking has passed. We are different people now. We have both evolved, and I don't think either of us want to be stuck anymore going round and round and round in circles. We both need to go forward into whatever comes next. We are stuck. Recently I’ve wondered even if there is something subconscious or unfinished which is making us both choose to stick. I don’t know. We do both need to move on into whatever comes next. I don’t know what that is or if our separate paths will stay separate forever or evolve in a different way. I don’t know. Talking isn’t always the answer is it? You’re probably right that the time for some talk has passed; maybe for other things not, but not yet. I don’t know. We have both evolved, big crises do that, but I guess there is a core which remains too. This note sounds like some of you. I hope I sound like me too. I might like to be the one who applies for the Absolute, I’m not sure. I don’t know how you feel about that. I think we have to finish this phase to get to the next whatever it is. A fresh start.

And I don't altogether know what comes next for me. I might be running away and I might be moving forward but I'm looking at a new job which might be in a new country. Maybe it'll happen and maybe it won't but for me it feels like moving on. I hope it gives you what you want and that you will find what you’re looking for and be happy in your skin again.

And I guess it means we need to come to an agreement about how we split things up. I'll get my solicitor to send through what I hope will be a definitive settlement offer. It'll be fair, certainly fairer than they recommend, and a reflection of how things were for what I think of as both halves of our marriage. It'll probably take a few days but it will give us the chance to move on down the separate paths of our lives. I don’t know if the timing of your new job affects the practical stuff. Our old relationship is dead now, and it feels unimportant in some ways to be fighting over stuff and money. But I suppose it just comes with divorce, like a funeral. If we are both in a different place now, would it help to talk through things - money and what we can both do to make things easier now with all the detritus - before we get lawyers involved? To make a simple plan together that will work for us both finally? To listen to each other so we can each get what we truly need practically. Just to be less silly and make the ‘to do’ list easier. Selling two houses, getting divorced and my mother’s legal stuff all at once is pretty overwhelming for me. Call me if you want to do that. We could even talk on the 12th, a different kind of anniversary perhaps.***

There is still a part of me that hopes when things are all settled and finished that we might be able to sit across a table with a cup of coffee and talk as two people. Who shared a lot together. Good things and bad things. Happy times and sad. Whether it happens in a month, a year or longer. But I don't know if that'll happen. And I can be at peace with it either way. I’d like that too. Maybe it is part of the journey. The silence was always your choice, I think, so I’ll leave it up to you if you ever want to do it. Like you, I will be ok either way.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
How did you react viscerally to that email? I read it and thought it could be coming my way from my husband. Don't know if I am projecting my experience but I hate the way they sound like they are controlling the situation and we are the poor pitiful wives they have left behind that can't help loving them still because they are so great. Not sure how they reconcile that as they also know they are messed up.

Agree that, hopefully, sooner rather than later and after the Absolute it will hit them,
(Yes, sometimes little bitter vindictive me comes out.) but I don't believe in karma because I don't think I did anything that horrific to deserve the emotional carnage wracked upon me.

It must have been nice to get some sort of acknowledgement from him and the glimpse of old husband. I hope it brought you some comfort. I usually end up a bit confused after contact as it hits home how unnecessary the entire situation is. I think what they don't get is that they are fools for running away. If they had turned to us as their spouse, support network, and loving friend, so much of this could have been avoided or handled differently.

You seem to have your head on straight and you detachment armour on. Do keep us posted. You are going through this with a lot of maturity and class. I know you want to beam him at times!


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Treasur Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
"How did you react viscerally to that email?"
It made me sad, deeply sad. It felt like a glimmer of the person I love, but I can also see that he's still running.

"It must have been nice to get some sort of acknowledgement from him"
I don't know. It was a surprise. I'm not sure I see much acknowledgement of me or our marriage or that he ever loved me. I do see acknowledgement that he has regrets and things he now thinks he should have done differently, although not what they are. I see that he feels he can't go back and sees only a solo route forward. In so many ways, NC is easier because this kind of thing forces you to look the loss in the eye. I feel sad.

"You seem to have your head on straight and you detachment armour on."
Not sure about that. I think I've just learned to accept the reality of what is while feeling the pain that it is, if that makes sense. To focus on what I can do because there is so much I can't control or influence. To accept that the behaviours, emotions and feelings he talks about rewrote my life but they are still unknown to me. That my H decided somehow at some point that I was irrelevant to him. That he obviously still thinks I am irrelevant in his future. The bit I'm most proud of? That I didn't bite on his comment about "what remains of us". I really wanted to, to ask or challenge or shout, but I didn't.

I am full of sorrow today, beyond tears. And tomorrow is my anniversary. But I have learned that I can keep going, so that's something.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Treasur, I'm thinking about you and hoping that you are doing ok. I know that yesterday was so incredibly difficult and I imagine that today is as well.

To know that you were loved and that he is lost has to bring comfort. My greatest sadness is that sometimes I believe my H meant it when he said he never loved me and he just settled right from the beginning. At least yours clearly loved and still loves you.

Take care of yourself and remember that not all of this has to be figured out right now and you always have the right to change your mind in the future, as does he.

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Treasur Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Originally Posted By: OwnIt
Treasur, I'm thinking about you and hoping that you are doing ok. I know that yesterday was so incredibly difficult and I imagine that today is as well.

To know that you were loved and that he is lost has to bring comfort. My greatest sadness is that sometimes I believe my H meant it when he said he never loved me and he just settled right from the beginning. At least yours clearly loved and still loves you.

Thank you, OwnIt. I don't see that he still loves me, tbh. I'm surprised you think that. I see that he's stewing and starting to feel regret so I am probably no longer irrelevant/invisible in his head. But I don't see love, I see a sort of 'well, there you go' shrug!

I'm ok (happy anniversary to me). I miss him. I haven't sent a card or text as I did last year. I'm just taking the day to feel grateful for the love we had, and the great person who used to share my life. A dear friend called me this morning - isn't that kind? - and her take is that, once the D stuff is done, he will have no reason to be in touch with me. That this will be the point when it hits him and she thinks he'll reappear wanting to talk in a few months. Me? I'm done mind-reading so I'm pressing forward with the assumption that I'll never see him again. Just like he died.


Take care of yourself and remember that not all of this has to be figured out right now and you always have the right to change your mind in the future, as does he.



Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
Thinking of you today. I find my anniversary particularly difficult. Mostly, I think how can H just not get it? I also make sure I am out and that charge goes on joint credit card. Immature but don't care. Mine is just around the corner.

Take a walk before torrential showers begin again!


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard