Almost 6 weeks ago, found dirty Snapchat (pics) and text from some guy about if W was going to let him F her. W was hesitant in text, but I coulntell she had sent pics via SC. Same day, earlier, W was sending me pics too (had been trying to spice marriage back up).
Confronted W next morning before church. W immediately grabbed a hold of me and hugged me, and told me she hadn't done anything. I told her I believed her,but it looks like she wanted to (W had A 12 yrs ago, we forgave, but simply just kept living life, no outside help). At that moment, W went fairly emotionless, and BIG BD. Told me I had been abusing her for years (never touched her, so this was EA). I didn't understand at first, but now I see it was a lack of pursuing connection on my part. Claimed I berate, belittle, and treat her like S. I've never told her belittling things, but I believe it was internal hurt, from lack of connection and intimacy that manifested these feelings. I would listen to her words,feel attacked, get defensive, or shut down, instead of hearing her heart. I feel like a complete idiot now (things I've learned since W left). W said I don't desire her, and said ILYBIMILWY.
Next night, I approached her, told her I do desire her, and kissed her. We had sex, but stress and anxiety caused me to loose my E after about 40 minutes of total time (including foreplay). I regained E, and told her we can stop if she wanted. She said, it's ok, and helped me finish. After, I was emotionally distraught and embarrassed about my performance. She loved on me, and then sat down, and we talked about her being dead inside. She slept on couch that night.
Next morning, she walked into room, and I was getting dressed. I had a panic attack, and it freaked her out. W asked what's wrong,I said I couldn't be around her right now. I needed some time and space to get emotions under control. What I didn't expect was for her to pack a suitcase and leave, which she did right away. And went to stay with a GF.
A few days later, I find out that something happened during sex that scared her, and then I scared her again the next morning with my mini panic attack (at least that's what I think it was). That's why she left. Didn't feel safe. A few days after that, I find out from a friend that W believes I raped her (she was consensual, interactive, and loving during. I had no idea that I scared her, and she gave no indicators).
The next 3 weeks, she is away. I did the typical desperate H thing, and tried to reason with her. Several fights over text and phone. Her family, who loves me very much, reached out to find out what was up. Her mom asked if I had been fooling around (never), and if I forced myself (no). Wife has history with rape (1 time while after our first daughter, attacked and R'd, a gang R as a teenager, and sexual misconduct by brother in law as a teen, also). I was so hurt that she easily lumped me into this category. I believe something happened that night to trigger reliving memories of these.
after a few days away, W stated she wanted D. Also stated she's never loved me, or been happy (which is not true, she may be a vacillator, not sure). That was over a month ago, but no papers (W tends to procrastinate or also told me that nobody has, or ever will, love her like I do and she'll miss that the most.
W came home after about 3 weeks gone, then spent the weekend in hotel praying (we are devout Christian). Came back, the I approached her with a passionate plea to see that I don't want D, and I'm not giving up. She left again (almost 2 weeks now). Has stayed with 3 different GF's during his time, but has now taken both D's with her. Still no papers, and no contact with lawyer in 3 weeks (1 40 minute call, but in TX, it only takes a couple dats to get served according to Attourney friend of mine).
I have begun educating myself and counseling. I realize my mistakes in communications and attentiveness. Also have been depressed for 2 years after job loss (from income of 200k to nothing). We started our own business just over 1 year ago, and we work together (home inspectors). She does not want to give up on business, so she knows she'll see me every day.
She refused MC, and says that she knows we can restore, and be better than we could imagine, but she just doesn't want to. She is not having an A that I can detect, but isnlatched onto friends and our children. She has also walked away from our church, and will it really talk to her family (they all want her to work on the M). Now, she looks for blame in everything I do, sometimes accusing me of telling everyone her dirty secrets (only of my 2 close friends and her mother know -mother would not settle for less than total truth from me, and I was angry at the time....big screw up). Close friends are keeping everything in confidence. They don't judge her either, they love her.
I have began working on myself. Lost 30-40 lbs, from 220 (6' tall), and gone from 38-40 pants to a 34 (haven't been this slim since military time in the 90's-early 2000's). Working on GAL, but most of our friends were shared. For last 2-3 weeks, we don't talk about the MR, and I stay 4C, and upbeat, but most interchanges are text. I did write her a letter yesterday that validated her feelings, and that I understand them now. Saw her after letter, and I could tell it impacted her mood (not sure in what way). I did say in letter that I committed to saving marriage,but not via coercing her, but by transformation of myself. I realize now, that I probably shouldn't have put that in there, or maybe even not sent the letter, at all. Neither of us have brought up the letter, and I never will unless she does. It was for her, not me.
I want to save my marriage, but is there too much damage? I love her unconditionally, and I know, without a doubt, that we can go to a place in the M that we couldn't imagine. Marriage coach today told me to let her go, to tell her I want her to be happy,even if it's without me. However, I know my wife very well. I don't believe she will be. At first, happier than now, yes. But when she sets the impact in the kids, and the MLC wears off, I believe she will be full of regret and misery. She is a bipolar ptsd with depression issues and takes medication, which I'm not sure if she's currently taking. I don't think she is.
I have give everything over to god,and he has removed my pain, and keeps me joyous. I'm in the gym, cleaning the house (myself since she's not here, even when she was, she was just on the couch in her phone; on Facebook or YouTube). I am taking good care of myself, and mentally feel much better.
There's a lot of issues here, and I'm an open book for questions. I do not want to lose her,but she needs to heal, too. Giving her her space and time. Her mom has begged me not to give up on her, but I fear if I do, her pride will keep her gone.
Struggling here, thanks for listening, and your feedback. This is a huge mess.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She is a bipolar ptsd with depression issues and takes medication, which I'm not sure if she's currently taking. I don't think she is.
Of course, she's not taking her medications and she's completely gaslighting you making you feel or think this has anything to do with you.
It sounds like she's cycling in mania and completely devoid of impulse control right now and who knows what or who she is doing. But, it's completely obvious that she IS cheating. She's doing the ILYBNILWY line along with the "I need alone time and space in a hotel" battle cry along with the blame shifting and history rewriting. She moved out specifcally because you were interferring with her other relationship(s) which are RIGHT NOW her primary relationship(s).
I have to ask why is the mentally ill wayward spouse being given and trusted with full custody of your two children? I understand bipolars are often extemely high functioning, but they are a menace when cycling in full mania and lack all regards for others. A wayward bi-polar is even worse. Your kids are old enough and if one of them or another family member would join you, you might be able to get her committed to a mental hospital for an evaluation.
Games, strategies and other attempts to control or manipulate your situation won't likely have much effect. She's wayward AND nuts. She'll hit rock bottom all on her own eventually and when the crippling depression kicks in, she'll want and need to be home again all on her own.
I suggest you seek specialized professional help beyond what most "coaches" can offer. Unless a counselor or other medical professional has 1st hand experience with bi-polars, they really can't understand or speak towards what you are dealing with.
While I respect your desire to save your marriage and think, maybe, this is a situation of "in sickness and in health", God did provide an escape clause for adultery knowing how painful betrayal can be for us humans. This is the 2nd affair that you've known about. Bi-polars usually get worse with age and escalate the risk taking behaviors. Unmedicated, they have a life expectancy of about 50 years old (somewhere between 9 to 20 years less than normal life expectancy). She's on a path to suicide and you should carefully consider whether you want to remain around to witness such destruction. At least be open to the thought that maybe, down the road, you'll figure out that this marriage isn't the safest or healthiest place for you to remain. You can even forgive but reconciliation isn't required. How many times does she need to cheat before YOU get PTSD or an STD yourself???
If you do take her back, you need to learn about boundaries. In particular, boundaries for bi-polars. Such boundaries would likely include no unsupervised internet or smart phone along with other strict accountability measures. They can't be trusted with money or the opposite sex or technology or to take their meds. I know their condition varies from person to person, but, in general, they lack impulse control. If your wife, eventually, wishes to keep you invested in a relationship with her she'll need to adhere to your new firm boundaries.
For now, the 180 plan should be a very healthy plan for you but really you're just waiting on her to cycle through this. Another good resource for you would be books authored by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is an American clinical psychologist and writer. Her work has centered on bipolar disorder, which she, herself, has had since her early adulthood.
Finally, have you ever happened to search the ash madison lists to see if your wife's name appears? When AM client lists were exposed it was learned that very few women actually used the website for what it was intended to accomplish, but the legitimate females that were discovered were, to a significant extent, mentally ill bi-polars. You may also want to have a diagnostic recovery of any old hard drives laying about the house from years and years ago just to double check what you're dealing with (and considering investing more years of your life into). She's sick so expecting her to share the entire truth with you is foolhardly. If there's truth out there to find, find it yourself. Don't dwell, obsess and/or let it preoccupy your time for months and months but you are entitled to the truth about your life and we already know your wife has a history of lying.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I did write her a letter yesterday that validated her feelings, and that I understand them now. Saw her after letter, and I could tell it impacted her mood (not sure in what way). I did say in letter that I committed to saving marriage,but not via coercing her, but by transformation of myself. I realize now, that I probably shouldn't have put that in there, or maybe even not sent the letter, at all. Neither of us have brought up the letter, and I never will unless she does. It was for her, not me.
Hi Joho, I suggest you not write any more letters. The more you profess your love and commitment to her......the more you are pushing her away. You cannot woo her back into the MR by pursuing her. Everything your emotions are telling you to do.........you should probably do the opposite. Why? B/c you have entered the twilight zone and the woman you see in your W's body.......is not the girl you married. Therefore, you will need to approach this situation as if she were a stranger......b/c in many ways, she is.
Everything you want to do toward your W, is seen as pressure by her. You said you were going to give her space. Sending letters, initiating text messages, calling her throughout the day, following her around the house, and just watching her.......is all pressure on her. Having relationship talks is pressure.
Get the DR book. Read the links on Cadet's post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That was the only letter. I don't initiate texts at all, unless it about our business or the kids. I do not say I love her. She did reach out to me today to help her fix a problem with her vape device, but she can't find it. Told her if I see it, I'll let her know. She also came by the house to look for the other half of her wedding ring set. Not sure what that's about. Worried she'll sell them. Not my problem, I guess, though.
She came by today, and looked like she might have grabbed some Meds. Still don't know if she's taking them. I know what she's like off Meds, and I don't recognize this behavior.
