Thanks Cadence. I'm reading along on the threads that I recognize, but there are so many new people, and once you get behind, it's hard to keep up. I'm not posting, because there's really nothing to say right now. I'm struggling since this last visit, and unless I am busy, I just find myself so very sad.
I've not heard from H except for a couple of texts about bills, etc, and those texts were strictly business, one liners, or one word answers. I don't even know who that man was that spent two different weeks here and acted like my H.
I'm trying to stay as busy as possible, but I'm not sleeping well at all, and can't seem to keep my mind from returning again and again to what might have been. I think I need to see about getting the Xanax refilled. I was doing SO WELL until these weeks of spending time with him, only to have him disappear again. Now I just miss him all over again, like back in January.
I'm SO TIRED of this roller coaster. I'm tempted to just file, but financially, I'm better off not filing yet. Our 13th wedding anniversary is coming up Monday, Oct. 2, and I know I need to plan a day for me, so that I'm not thinking about it. Just can't seem to figure out what to plan yet.
Thanks for checking on me. How are you doing in the day to day?
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Keep taking care of yourself and keeping your expectations low. No matter what happens you'll be okay, but you'll be even better if you keep up with the self-care.
I find it really important just to take days off from thinking about it so that I don't get burned out. Sounds like you're doing a little bit of that, and maybe making that purposeful rather than reactionary ("I'm taking time off for my benefit" vs. "I don't want to think about this") will help you feel a little bit lighter.
You're doing really well. Keep it up!
I posted an update. I know you had trouble finding my thread, so here's the link to the last page: My post
I'd love to hear your thoughts, and any other DBers who happen to be reading!
Hi Cadence, I'm heading over to your thread now. Thanks for the link!
Ownit reminded me last night after I posted that with an MLC, after heavy contact like we had, there will be pull-back; it got me to thinking- I wonder if subconsciously I anticipated that, and thus suggested that we take a "break" for a while, in order to protect what would surely hurt when he did that anyway. More of an anticipatory self-protection suggestion rather than my actually needing a "break". Even if I did do that, it didn't protect me! LOL. At least I'm more self-aware of my own motivation for some of my behaviors, and that has to be a good thing.
I didn't sleep but a couple of hours again last night, but I spent the time re-reading some old threads over in MLC, and today I feel much stronger. I think I may move my thread over there. I see my IC this morning, so looking forward to that. And the weather here is feeling like the beginning of fall- lower humidity, bright blue skies, and that "football" feeling in the air. Feels good to be alive!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hey Leah, I'm kinda muddling along too. I've filed for D and am living the hell that is in house separation. In the meantime let me give a little advice from my Shrink-self. I am not a big fan of Xanax, it is notorious for causing rebound anxiety and has an extremely short half-life. Primary care docs prescribe it like candy and it's not even the best Benzo to use. I had a friend prescribe me Remeron (Mirtazpine) and broke the 15mg tablet in half, making it 7.5 mg. I slept like a baby, it's not controlled, and it has the bizarre side effect of stopping nightmares. It's a tetracyclic antidepressant, no habit forming, no withdrawals. Most common side effect is sedation and increased appetite.
Ok, returning back to just a board participant and taking off my doc hat.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
