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Fair point, Kaizen, quite right. Why did you stay, Tread? Not a criticism, just wondering. When I've sat through uncomfortable stuff in the past, it's usually because I don't want people to think badly of me for leaving, or I feel an obligation to someone else.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: Tread
It matters if she lies on me to sway him to her side.

I would say this attitude is precisely why you and W are having a difficult time collaborating.

In my opinion, when it comes to S, HIS is the only side that matters.


This is victim shaming.

Tread is having a difficult time because, in an incomprehensibly short amount of time, the woman he loved and married, has become a self-entitled monster completely incapable of "collaborating" as a wife or as a parent to S13. Saying his attitude (implying his righteous anger) is the problem is like blaming the sewers in Houston for the current flooding.

Telling his son the truth about their lives (all three of them) was absolutely the right thing to do and certainly his business. Children need to learn to discern right from wrong. "Mom has a boyfriend and dates other married men with families and married people aren't supposed to do that --- I have communicated with your mother that, as of today, I remain willing to forgive and repair our marriage and family but, it appears she is choosing to continue this repeated destructive abusive behavior - I still have love for your mother and I am doing all I can to try to extricate her from this self-destructive hurtful path but I can't make decisions for her and I don't have to continue to tolerate such emotionally abusive behavior so we've separated. I am not saying your mother is a bad person, only that what she is currently doing is bad, hurtful and abusive behavior that I pray she stops.

Tread - very good job with the honest approach. Your son is watching you and learning valuable lessons such as the following:

1. How to deal with emotional pain - is it better to deny that there is a problem or face it and learn to express and cope with it;

2. How and when to lie - lying isn't allowed or acceptable even if it spares you or another from pain, upset, embarrassment, shame or punishment;

3. How to defend lying - Lying is allowed when it protects your privacy. Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back.

4. How to exercise Judgement. Judgment isn't a dirty word. We are supposed to be able to discern right from wrong and teach our children to do the same. Our prisons are full of people that don't have such ability. What we are not supposed to do is condemn (God's job) or judge hypocritically.

5. How to be thoughtful - Your son already has one unfaithful, deceitful, thoughtless parent doing whatever she pleases without regard to how it affects other people, so you need to continue modeling "thoughtful" honest behavior to contradict this without regard to circumstance (this is the toughest one for you, personally, but you'll need to speak about honoring YOUR vows to God and your wife until such time that you are actually divorced by law. Honoring such vows, in good times and bad is certainly going to be difficult, in this, the "worst times" but it's what men/people are supposed to do.

6. Hopefulness - regardless of whether you save your marriage or not, one of my goals when I found myself in your position a long long time ago, was one of remaining hopeful and optimistic. Your wife is throwing away her life and destroying herself in sin. As the husband, I felt an obligation to TRY to save my wife but my happiness wasn't dependent on that. I'd be ok either way and remained hopeful for my future (this wasn't easy). My wife had but one path to happiness - repentance and turning from sin, whereas, I had my biblical out and could, nay, WOULD, be happy either way. My attempts to save my wife were a gift. (we are happily recovered and she remains grateful for all I did for her and our family). Whether your wife deserves such gift time will tell but we betrayed spouses offer it anyway out of hope and the feeling that people aren't disposable.

Your wife has made a huge mistake and miscalculation but her character and future happiness will depend much more on how she responds to such mistake. Does she stop, apologize, make restitution and repent or does she continue this journey into darkness, hopelessness, selfishness, and entitlement?

You can't or won't do everything right and actually, much of it is out of your control even if you did it perfectly. So knowing that try not to let the anger consume you. Your wife isn't doing this AT YOU (despite her efforts, after the fact, to try to make it all about you, so you'll react and give her more ammunition to say it's about you). She's destroying herself. As she continues, do what you can to try to save her for as long as you are able (even if it's only because she's still the mother of your child) and in the end, you'll feel better about your actions and the character you've exhibited and modeled.

YOU are the man in the arena (Google Roosevelt's Man in the Arena Speech)


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I'm still on restriction so I can't edit my post but didn't mean to say:

"3. How to defend lying - Lying is allowed when it protects your privacy. Everyone has a right to privacy in their life, even if it involves hurting people behind their back."

I meant to say:

3. How lying isn't defensible - Lying isn't permissible or appropriate when it protects your privacy if it involves hurting people behind their back.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
I'm still on restriction so I can't edit my post but didn't mean to say:

FTR - NO one can edit their posts


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My XW [censored] and she's a [censored] [censored].

My XW stinks and she's a [censored] [censored]

My XW stinks and she's a big [censored].

My XW stinks and she's a big meany.

I just edited my post four times. smile

Now I'm running with scissors.

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Originally Posted By: Tread
These poems are met with cheers and applause, because nobody had clue what it's really about the or who with. Beginning of the night ruined by that. Cane to relax and find peace. And my W of 15 years sh*t's on me the day grandmother died. Oh to add further to the nonsense. Apparently my SIL has no issue with my W having an A with her cousin. Says that it is none of her business.

This is who S13 is close with. And apparently she has been cool and helping W cover up for her cheating. So when I worry about S13 being swayed it's for good reason. Because he is surrounded by my trifiling in laws who I helped set up in this city. And if I don't cover myself with him, he will believe my W if she is cosigner by her sister.


You probably should have left immediately. What an incredibly hurtful and abusive thing for her to have done. The worst part, to me, is knowing I would have probably done the same thing in your position years ago and the never ending dialogue I would have had with myself over what I should have said or done in response to her celebrating adultery right in front of me to a room full of people including the OM on an open mic night where I could have gone up and "shared" my pain and anguish over the exact same story. Could have been the most "real" poem many of them had ever heard. I'm telling you now, in cas it's eating at you, there is no way to know what to do or how to respond to such SHOCKING and DISTURBING wayward behavior. That's why you should have just left. "Talking" to the OM - no, just leave. Being in her presence publicly like that made you like a cat at a rocking chair convention - it was going to be painful. You went out to avoid pain, reenergize and take a break from your situation. Maybe your pride whispered to you that you had just as much right to be there and you weren't going to let her chase you away or act like you cared, but when you roll around in the mud with pigs, you get dirty and the pigs like it. Practice more self-care next time.

As far as your son is concerned. I did want to say a couple more things.

a. children are narcissistic - meaning they have a tendency to think everything is about them. It's important to express that there is nothing he's done to cause this;

b. it's not his responsibility to fix it - he doesn't have to pick sides and you aren't looking for him to help you "save her" or "fight for the marriage";

c. He does not have free rein to be disrespectful. He is to remain respectful of his mother because it's the right thing to do;

d. Stay with the "honest" approach, telling him that no matter how hard or difficult the truth may be, that you are committed to being honest with him from this day forward about his family and this situation in an age appropriate manner (you don't use this as a justification or rationalization to bash your wife but you can be honest about her behavior and how it impacts you);

e. Explain or give examples from your life and/or his life where you or he behaved poorly and then tried to excuse such behavior using justifications and rationalizations or transfer the blame to someone else. It's what humans do. It's a natural defense mechanism to avoid shame or punishment. You can then explain that it's possible or likely that his mother, aunt or other people may say all sorts of things to excuse this behavior or blame you and you want him to be assured that he can share such and ask any questions he wants and you won't be mad at him or your wife or the family. Explain to him that relationships are complicated and marriage is difficult and you've never made any claims to being perfect so his mother (and the family) certainly could have and share some legitimate complaints about you. It's possible they'll make some up so it's good he talks to you about this stuff and feels he has an open honest channel to express his thoughts, questions and feelings instead of walking around on eggshells confused about the truth of his life. You see, one big difference will be your willingness to admit and own your mistakes, apologize, seek forgiveness, make amends, repent and just stop/stopped - and that's the lesson you want your son to understand about himself going forward. His parents are both human and make mistakes - it's what HE does after making mistakes in the future that will be the measure of him as a man. It's God place to measure his mother, not yours or his.

f. Teenagers, especially late teens, have a tendency to LIKE the wayward parent. They are disney parent, that let them do whatever they want and their homes are places where rules, values, morals our outdated and out of fashion. Wayward homes are terrible places for children but don't try to compete by getting lax with rules, values and morals under the threat that he'll just leave and go live with mom (if you end up divorced and she continues unrepentant). Your home will continue to be "home" and the only place your son is truly cared about and loved and though wayward house might SEEM fun and easier, it's a lonely empty place of selfish entitlement.

g. If you end up going the divorce route, see if your state has or allows or encourages or is fine with "parallel parenting custody orders" whereby you don't have to "co-parent" your son. Some states, like Indiana are fine with it for several years, especially after highly emotional contested divorce/custody disputes. It's not emotionally healthy for you to have to endure such abuse and then work with her on a daily/weekly basis in order to "co-parent" your child. The rules of parallel parenting custody orders will allow you to heal much faster and, frankly, be a better parent to your son. Just google it.


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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
I'm still on restriction so I can't edit my post but didn't mean to say:

FTR - NO one can edit their posts


Thanks for the clarification. I didn't know that. I need to remember to proofread BEFORE I hit submit.

Thanks for all you do Cadet.


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Originally Posted By: Georgia Bulldogs
I need to remember to proofread BEFORE I hit submit.

There is a preview post button -
And I suggest not just YOU use it - but everyone.


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Honestly I sat there, because I was in the front. And didn't want to make a scene. I told the host after the show what those poems were about and she was absolutely disgusted by what she pulled. She is a friend of mine and very much runs the creative scene around town. I doubt she will allow any space to perform in a vebue like that ever again. Her own H was going through a MLC a few years ago and she divorced him. So she knows exactly what I am going through. W probably cost herself a chance to get her talent show in front of some serious movers and shakers.

The possible OM who was there has not been confirmed 100%. But he is a guy that I am cool with. So we did have a conversation. Got nothing against the guy, unless I find out he is messing with W behind my back. The poems were about OM#1 who lives out of state with his W. Georgia Bulldogs thanks for knowing where I am coming from with S13. Trying to teach this boy a serious life lesson. My W, SIL and BIL watched my MIL act crazy like this. And now they walk around clearly this behavior is normal. I refuse to allow S13 to believe this. Which is why, i let him know what his mother is doing is dead wrong.


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So in the next chapter of the WW. Couldn't really sleep last night with everything that took place the day prior. So after getting to work, I asked my supervisor if I could take the day off since I had nothing going on. Supervisor says that I have time to flex off, so enjoy the weekend. So I get home around 9:40am and check the account. W took out $300, so I text her why she took that amount of money out the account. Since we agreed that we would check with other first in regards to a large amount being taken out. As usual W chooses not to listen. Also she never responds.

So around 10:15am, I hear a knock at the door and two cops are out there. Parked in front of the house is a Uhaul truck and my W car. Along with her are MIL and SIL. Officers ask to come in the house, I tell them no what's the issue. They say their hear to pick up some items from the house with W. And they asked if I agreed to give her some furniture, I tell them no. Officers mention that nothing that belong to both of us can be removed from the home, but if she has personal items they would like for her to have them. So I say that's cook, I have been trying to get her to come get her stuff for weeks now.

But I request that one officer is present, while I observe her taking her stuff only. So the officer tells W that she can only take her personal items and she is clearly pissed. I remain cool the whole time and follow as she is gathering her stuff. The officer and myself engage in conversation as he asks what's going on. I explain the A and how the BD will be coming soon. W is the background being smart about if its okay to take a laundry basket to carry things in. I tell her to go ahead and keep it.

W in a bad mood is turning stuff over and wrecking the bedroom. I ask the officer if all this will be in his miscellaneous report, he said that's correct. I've worked around law enforcement for 6 years a few years back. So why W thought bringing officers was going to help her out was clearly an idea of ignorant sister. I knew what these officer's were going to do the moment they said why they were there. So W goes in the bathroom next and I remind her that she has some things in the shower. W goes to the shower pulls out some shampoo and says can I take this or is it community property? I remind her that I was the one who told about the stuff in the shower in a very calm voice. Officer gives me one of those looks that says I see what your dealing with.

So I am standing in the bathroom doorway and the officer is in the bathroom. W walks by and slams the door in my face. And I didn't yell or get angry. But the officer yells at W telling that better not happen again or else. So after getting a few things and left other things behind. W walks out the house with tail between her legs. SIL and MIL are in the street with dumb looks on their faces. MIL climbs into the Uhaul and has the nerve to say see you later Tread as if were buddies. Cops pull off and SIL gives me a dirty look from the passenger side of the car. I give her the finger, laugh and go back into the house.

For some strange reason that felt good, completely throwing off W plans to rampage the house. Went to the bank from there, started a separate account and moved most of the money into my own account. Text W and told that there is only much money left in the joint account, so spend carefully. If W can't work with me in handling the money, then I'll handle it myself. W has established that she can't be trusted. Also I changed all the locks on the house. W will be surprised when she tries sneaking in one day.

The crazy thing is that if she would have kept me in the loop like I had requested. I would have had no issue with giving her stuff from the house. Probably would have helped load up the truck. But the lowdown and dirty way she did it was what got her nothing. Now that's what I call consequences. Now I officially no that I will cut off all ties to MIL and SIL. MIL has no loyalty to her daughters, but she uses SIL car. So she was likely looking for her own interest. Needless to say, I don't want to see any of them on my property.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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