Well, my case is by no means "special" in the sense of being untypical, but is unsettling--at least to me, and a painful ordeal to our family. If fact reading postings, I can identify the same issues in some 30-40% of them, W almost exact words expressed by other WAS. Aren't we all pathetically alike for individual reasons?
In a few days will be our 11th Anniversary. We have two children in common (S10, D7); and two older children from my previous marriage living with us.
About five days ago she left to "find herself" and think about us. She suffered anxiety attacks before we met and is afraid she will fall back into it if she stays home, uncomfortable, arguing. It is not the first time she considers leaving, but it is the first time that she implements her exit successfully (like in two previous occasions she decided to stay).
We were currently living in CA. During the previous three months, we were apart from one another for work/study (half of that time I was away working, and the other half she was in FL studying). During that time we argue (I was jealous and complaint that she spend much more than needed, etc).
She got angry that I continue to be jealous, and said that if I cannot trust her after all these years she is not willing to stay in this relationship (more or less). For about a month she was home, living separated, embracing a 100% negative view of me--"damn if you do, damn if you don't" kind of thing. She was going to leave the house at the end of July, then postpone it, and then changed her mind again. So I stay in Cali with our son and she drove to FL taking our little daughter. She says that she will be back to visit in December; but doesn't want to give me any certainty of what she will decide... work on the marriage or D.
During the first weeks I begged, reasons, etc. You know the story. Then placed the house of sale to give her half of the proceeds ("proving" her that I love her more than money, and got her a new car to take to FL.) I suppose are all wrong decision I made out of desperation, trying to make a point. In any case, it will make D easier if it comes to that.
I am aiming to detach and keep GAL, but up to what point can I detach? I think is detachment from her, OR, keeping business for the sake of children. For them, we will need to be in frequent touch, FaceTiming, etc. I have the S with me; she has our D.
I don't have certainty if there is an EA or otherwise going on; but things don't make total sense to me. The "reasons" don't sound very sound to me. But of course, she operates based on her own perception of reality that matter, not mine.
By the way I am a service-member and one of my main consideration right now is if I should volunteer for deployment (some 7 months depending on where I am sent) or seek an oversees assignment in order to distance myself (usually some 3 years). In such cases I will need to leave in her custody our S. If she reconsiders, the family could reunite oversees. But… I am trying to think these potential options I wouldn't like to mess it up even more, trying to "fix" things up again.
I have been reading DR, and talking with a DBing coach, and reading these forums. I will appreciate tips and you accompaniment during this journey.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
It is partially a little late to fully apply your advice, but will keep it into account in the future. I already provided W with a scan of DR chap 1 (without revealing the book title). But I see the importance of your advise.
I would hold off on volunteering for deployment, or any other major decisions at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you mention this to your DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around.
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Hi, I am sorry you are here. This is really hard stuff, but you will l get through it. I think Cadet's HW applies, even if you can't do it 100% or some time has passed. Many of us here did all the "wrong" things at first, but it is never too late to change! Please read all of it--there is so much great stuff in there. Mostly this is a time for self reflection and healing.
I don't think any of us can advise you on if you should go over seas, as that is a very personal decision. What would be best for the kids? Thank you for your service BTW.
What struck me most about your sitch is that she divided the kids. Was there a reason for this? Did you agree to this arrangement? I just CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE taking only one of my kids and leaving the other. I also would devastated and furious at my H if he did that. My kids love each other and we are raising them together. If you did not agree to this arrangement then there very well could be some legal ramifications to her taking your D across the country too.
Please keep posting here and reading other threads. Your sitch may have differences, but there are often similarities as well. WAW and WW often follow a script in their behaviors. You mention that things don't quite add up and she is unrceptive to talking about the M? Unfortunately, a lot of us eventually learn that there is some type of affair going on. So please be careful and smart about your plan of action.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Sorry to hear about your sitch. Volunteering for a deployment is a tough one. Detaching for that long could help out or it could leave the door open for something else to take place. Being former military myself, I've seen where spouses have cheated when the military member left. So I'm sure this fact has crossed your mind already. Deployments are tough enough without have troubled MR to worry about. With everything going on, I would suggest not deploying because of the children. Things are going to be tough for them with your wife "finding herself."
My W only see bad things in me. It is like if all of the sudden all good and positive traits evaporated from me.
The overwhelming majority of her comments, texts, and emails are literally and absolutely negative. Lately I am perceived by her not much less than a monster. She claims to "know" me so well that she knows my intentions and thoughts better than me. If I denied something she states, I am lying. According to W everything I say/or don't say, everything I do or avoid doing carries at its core some evil intention against her in one way or another. Every time, everything is about her...
1) What is wrong with this human being?
2) For who long is this going to last this negativity?
3) What is the best way for me to respond to such negativity? I have found that reacting, exposing it, or confronting it doesn't change it. She shifts focus and ends up arguing about me being argumentative, or whatever to find more faults and to keep accusing me of this or that.
4) Up to what point to continue avoiding or ignoring?
Your insights about this malady and practical advice to temporarily cope with it are most welcome; particularly if base on your own experience with this issue. Thank you!