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Henwen Offline OP
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So a quick update. I've had enough of H's lies and games. I found out he was on a dating site. No big deal. He can date. We are after all separated. When I confronted him he said yes he had been on for a week, but no dates and not talking to any women. I said but the intent is there. And there is no turning back from this. A friend saw him out that night with a woman for dinner. I did a non DB procedure and got into his account. He's been talking to this woman for a week and they met for dinner. I did not confront him that I knew. But asked if he was sure he wasn't talking to anyone. He said no he wasn't talking to anyone. So he's lying to me. I told him there was no reason to lie if he had something to tell me. It was fine that he was dating. I've accepted it. And I have. It hurts. But I'm ok. But he's still lying to me and he got upset like crying upset when I asked him about his knowledge on telling me stuff for the house I wanted to change. I have 100% accepted this is over. I have even packed up his stuff and put it out for him. Why is he lying to me about this woman? I'm truly ok that if he wants to date then ok. He doesn't need to lie to me to protect me. If that is what he is doing. And he is adamant it is over. So why hide it?? I'm just looking for an idea of others who have been there and if there ex spouses hid their dating? As I said to H I just need to know. That's all. I hate lies and hiding. And have moved on.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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I read your threads, I do this before I post.

Some amazing posters have weighed in to give you their opinions, and I sense you have not reflected on their thoughts.

I suggest you reread your own threads again with a pen in hand and journal on what is being said to you.

I support the views of the posters,


And here are a few of mine:

I have rarely seen so much self sabotage in such short threads. And additionally such stinking thinking.

Your BF (not H) is free to do as he chooses. You went for an S agreement, you are living apart.

He can date if he chooses and that is none of your business. You have made it very clear to him that you don't want R.

What is he supposed to do but use LRT?

That is what I would do if I were your bf. Sort out arrangements for my children and move on. I can't see that anything but total subjugation would please you at this stage.

From where I sit, he is in an angry and confused space.

Go back review your threads and observe yourself as if you were a third party person (a reasonable person) and ask is what Henry is doing going to reconcile her R. Read the wonderful words of 25.

Of course he is covering up his dating, he doesn't want to be treated to an adverse reactions and yes he would be better off saying "none of your business".

And are you angry because of his dating or because he isn't doing what you want of him?

My strong thoughts are review and reflect.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Henwen Offline OP
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Very wise words. Thank you. I will certainly reflect. I just wanted to clear something's up. Where I live he is or was considered my H. And he pushed for the separation agreement and me to go to a lawyer. I just followed. He was threatening to take the house etc and I needed to go and find out my rights. Once I saw a lawyer he relaxed his stance on the separation and I haven't heard since about it. Before he was telling he was going to get one drawn up and I would only need to sign it. As for the new gf I totally get it's none of my business. But in the best interests of the kids etc, I would have liked to known. I guess it goes back in our history that he lied about the other women and it just bothers me that he would do this again especially now when it doesn't matter. There is nothing to lose by his lying. I did not scream at him or anything. I simply said if this is his desire then ok. I would pack up his stuff so he had it and the break would be clean. I do not and never have wished him ill. My therapist said that my H displays narcissistic qualities and won't change without effort. She's seen him before so she knows him. I am concentrating on the kids and my GAL now. I have no pressure to put the family back anymore. There is no more limbo. I can move forward knowing he is where he is and maybe he can find happiness. But I will go back and read my posts as you suggest so I can make changes to better myself for myself.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Let me just elucidate my thoughts on M and R, H and BF.

In the Muslim world it is customary to have a ceremony with a religious turn.

I am finding many Muslim women think they are M and as a result of finding out they are not have little or no protection on D. I recently dealt with an intestacy and had to advise the 'wife' that as she wasn't legally M she couldn't inherit and everything went to her partners parents. She thought she was M.

It makes a big difference.

Custom isn't Legality!

No one should be with a cheater or abuser or stay in such an R. My concern is for you, you are the one here on this board and this isn't an easy journey. Especially if the other is a cheater with serious personality flaws.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Henwen Offline OP
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Nothing new on my front. I just joined a gym and am more happy then sad these days. I never thought that this day would come. Where I KNOW I will be ok if he never comes back. I enjoy coming home now and relaxing. I don't text him anymore unless it's about the kids or work. And when he tries to engage in words that will bring about an argument I immediately tell him that this is going no where fast and I would love to discuss things with him but I need a break and will get back to him with a more level head. I have never done that. I always engaged in battle. So this is new for me and I love it. It has knocked my anxiety down tenfold. I am way more happier and patient with the kids and my life. And since I have completely backed off him he has come around and we are actually friendly with each other. We can laugh and joke and smile. I don't pressure anything because if he doesn't come back I will be ok. I just can't believe I'm in this spot in my life right now lol.

I didn't have the kids for Christmas and I was so lonely and upset. And I think tha is when this whole transformation came about. I just knew that I would be ok. I still stumble and miss him. And get angry. I just don't voice that anymore. I'm not dating yet. But I'm becoming more open to the idea as time goes on. He's not dating either. That I know of. And he's taken his profile down from the dating site. If he is dating, then so be it. Nothing I can control.

So for those people that are still in the newness of this. Know that if things don't work out, you will come out the other side in all this. And you will come out a stronger and better person. I know it doesn't feel that way. I didn't feel that way. And I still get setbacks. And I still hope he returns. But for me the endless hope and disappointment when he said he wouldn't just constantly wore me down. So I decided to step off his ride and take control of my own. Listen to the posters who give you advice. And don't beat yourself up if you take a step back and do something you shouldn't. We are all human and we are all hurting. And that makes us do stupid things. But love yourself. Truly love yourself and give yourself the compassion you would a dear friend. But don't stay down. Get up and make your life what you want it. There is so much more out there then just your spouse.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Mar 2017
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Glad to read your update. Detachment helps so much. You really will be ok.

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Henwen Offline OP
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Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I know some may be resentful about this day. But I just spent it with my kids and enjoyed seeing all my couple friends post about their spouses. It was nice to see.

Things are at a standstill here. STBXH won't talk at all about the separation. I asked to sit down to discuss all the details. Like custody. What weeks in the summer does he want? Who will be responsible for making the drs appts, taking the kids to drs appts etc. all these little details that need to be discussed so we don't waste money doing it with our lawyers. Or a mediator. He refuses too. He keeps putting me off. I asked him very politely when he could manage the time to come get his stuff from the house. He said he's not coming to get it. I can throw it out. I know for a fact that's not legal lol. So now I have to pay my lawyer to make up a registered letter giving him an end date to come and get his stuff. I asked him for us to be both adults about this and get this sorted out so it's not hanging over our heads anymore. And he just won't. On top of this our D13 is having issues with missing school. And he isn't helping in any way to deal with it. It has been me calling the therapist, taking her to the dr for a checkup etc. I do all the running around for the kids. And honestly I'm getting tired of his mid life crisis lifestyle. I just found out he's making a huge purchase of a fancy motorbike. Please. I wonder if he will get a hair piece next lol. It's just frustrating to be the one to hold things together. And be the one that isn't sticking their head in the sand.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
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Henwen Offline OP
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So I need advice. Since there is no chance of reconciliation with STBXH, as he has made his point over and over again. I have come to terms, like I said before, with this and have made my peace. Now I want to go in and get everything legal. But he's dragging his feet. Telling me that he's in no rush to get a lawyer etc. he doesn't have time to look into a lawyer. He's too busy. Etc etc. due to financial constraints with me I have not retained a lawyer. I actually want to do collaborative law so we are both represented but we work together out of court. So I told him this and told him to find one for us. But he is refusing. I want him to pay for it. So that is why I am pushing for him to get one. Not too mention he is the one that wants this anyways. So my question is. Do I just bite the bullet and get my own lawyer and just push for it? I mean I would love for this to mean that he doesn't really want this divorce to go thru. But he is adamant that's it's over. So I accept that. And if it is then I just want it dealt with.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 826
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Henwen, here's my 2 cents.

If you still want things to work out, let him him stew in his own juices and take action when he's ready. Work on yourself and continue to detach.

But if you've reached a point (and only you know this) where you are ready to push things forward yourself, get a L and have him served. Otherwise he will keep you trapped in limbo.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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Henwen Offline OP
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I found out some interesting news today. STBX only signed up on the dating site to piss me off. Interesting. And obviously since I care I am not as detached as I thought I was. So I need to work on that.

I found out about the reason for the dating site thru a mutual friend. So not too sure what to think about that right now. Any advice?


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
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