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Citygrl Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. Hope I did it correctly.

Back from my preliminary Mediation appointment. Mediator never heard from my husband and now he has to be "invited"...so more time will pass. What I just don't understand is why he is dragging his feet so much. He was the one that filed for divorce without a heads up and then 7 months later for divorce Nisi without a heads up. Hasn't submitted his financial info, wants mediation but then....crickets.

Is it fear of parting with money or is he up to something financially? He and his brother own the company and brother's wife is divorcing him after discovering his affair. They have been divorcing for 3 years and it is the brother delaying the difference is the brother didn't want divorce but my H filed.

Now I have more communication with my lawyer and more legal bills. Crazy. .


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
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Yup, had one of these. Best guesses? Shame, guilt, confusion, teenagers hate paperwork, worried that they will expose secrets or what a mess they're in, think of themselves as 'done' already so not a priority...

In the end, the reasons don't matter. Assume he won't participate and either a) use it to avoid D if that's what you want or b)accept that anything that needs adult collaboration is a waste of time and put the pressure on timescales with significant consequences.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Hello Citygrl,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Citygrl,

I don't get any of this stuff around divorce. Mine goes through spurts of D talk. Wanted it from Oct to Dec when he was with OW1. Didn't seem to want it Jan to June 2017. Now July/Aug with OW2 claims to want it. But won't go to a lawyer (as far as I know), won't tell me what he doesn't like about separation contract.

Have no idea why some run out and file right away and see it through. Others, like yours file and let it sit, and then the ones like mine who won't do it even when you beg them to. I swear it has become a running joke among everyone who knows me.

I try to focus on what do I need to live my life. Thankfully the time has been a godsend. I was not able to deal with this in January 2016. It has taken me this long to be mentally and financially ready.

What are your feelings about it? What do you want?

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Citygrl Offline OP
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My feelings are all over the place recently. It seems whenever there is a respite it is followed by a sledge hammer. I know all I can do is keep moving forward with divorce and plan for the future.

Today I was proactive and wrote to the Mediator asking her to send the letter to my husband to get the ball rolling. I don't trust, now that I have the divorce Nisi (divorce is in 2 parts here) that he won't go ahead and get the Divorce Absolute without a financial settlement. So, my lawyers are thinking the court route is better for us only in that there will be a time table that he must adhere to. I had sent him a text on Friday saying I was disappointed he hadn't moved forward and made an appointment with the mediator and reiterated that his lawyer is hell bent on going to court as that is his reputation and he has been laying the groundwork, and that is where he makes his money. I never get any kind of upper hand. Today he sent me and "FYI" with an attached letter to him from his solicitor saying that he wouldn't apply for the Absolute because I would be so distressed and his understanding was that he wanted to get remarried.

A little bit ago, that statement would have floored me but am happy to say it didn't. I am feeling like it is par for the course and now the catty: if he wants to marry some uneducated skank from Eastern Europe who dresses like she is from the 70s and is his cleaning lady and looks like his mother but worse....fine. Happy him. Gross.

I try to then focus on all that has transpired and how I really don't know how I could ever sleep with him again after his dubious sexual partners and some other things that totally gross me out. It is quite a story. So, as I said am moving ahead until the situation turns and upsets me again. Frustrating. What happened to the lovely man he once was? Sorry to vent.

His lack of any class or decorum amazes me. Even at 13, I think I had better manners. The lack of respect really does sting but he and his family are just "avoiders of conflict" and only take care of themselves. Selfish.


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted By: Citygrl
...if he wants to marry some uneducated skank from Eastern Europe who dresses like she is from the 70s and is his cleaning lady and looks like his mother but worse....fine.


Citygrl,

I think I know her. Is her name Ivana Humpalot? Wasn't she in one of the Austin Powers movies?

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Citygrl Offline OP
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Ha ha ha. Ivana is a thousand times more attractive than the Cleaning Lady. Does ivana wear gold lame leggings, pleather, and rat fur? It defies logic. When I focus on his choice, divorce does become easier. He is gross now. It's just crazy how he went off the rails. That's why the letting go is so hard. He is definitely another person than the lovely man I married.


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 66
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Citygrl Offline OP
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Is anybody out there? Lol. Just wondering if I should respond to his email. Think it is wise to keep a line of communication available. He knew I would see the bit about him "wanting to get married" and painting me as distraught wife. He has no idea how hard it has been for me to keep my mouth shut and appear like milk-toast. Not sure if he is trying to hurt me and is angry or just insensitive.

Was thinking of just replying, " thank you for forwarding the letter. As we discussed, what I really need is for your lawyer to respond to my lawyer stating that you won't file for Divorce Absolute until there is a financial settlement. Also, do you have any intention of meeting with the mediator? If not, will proceed accordingly."

Or just not respond? Help please.


Me-54 H-49
T-1. M-7
BD 6/13 ILYBN I threw him out
OW - 3/13
OW2 on and off Overlap w/Ow1and OW3
OW3 - 8/17
H filed 1/17
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Originally Posted By: Citygrl
Is anybody out there? Lol. Just wondering if I should respond to his email. Think it is wise to keep a line of communication available. He knew I would see the bit about him "wanting to get married" and painting me as distraught wife. He has no idea how hard it has been for me to keep my mouth shut and appear like milk-toast. Not sure if he is trying to hurt me and is angry or just insensitive.

Was thinking of just replying, " thank you for forwarding the letter. As we discussed, what I really need is for your lawyer to respond to my lawyer stating that you won't file for Divorce Absolute until there is a financial settlement. Also, do you have any intention of meeting with the mediator? If not, will proceed accordingly."

Or just not respond? Help please.


Hello Citygrl,

That is a really good question. I would be hesitant to engage him in any dialog. What about forwarding his email to your lawyer?

The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi citygrl
Just read your sitch - we are like Sisters in S**t, aren't we? Only big difference I can see is you've been here since 2013 and me 2015. The good news though is that, on the days when we wonder if WE are the mad ones, at least we know there are two of us!

I'm at a bit of a confused stage now. Like you, the non action (and communication) makes the process of a D I never wanted much harder to respond to. IRL normally, we base our responses on how others act or what they say. We have a big vacuum in lots of ways where someone's mouth says nothing and their feet do inconsistent things. Which tends to suck me in to try to guess so I can figure out how to respond even though I know that mind-reading is pointless and impossible!

Do you know what you really want right now? I move around. Sometimes I just want it over and done with because I'm tired of living a life which makes no sense and where so many practical things are controlled by this weird action/inaction. Sometimes I think I don't want to actively push the very thing I don't want. I end up veering around between the two and being way too influenced by s/t emotions. It's a rough, weird place to be. The only things that I can see clearly are that
a) I deserve a break from this
b)it isn't my WTF chaos, my fault or mine to fix but I am collateral damage
c) my H's desire to run/avoid seems to be the most consistent pattern
d) I can't ignore the reality that my H (for reasons I can't understand) is doing what he's doing and shows no concern or interest in me at all

Have been musing on giving up vs acceptance. I think I might be doing the first but calling it the second? Having said that, I have no idea at all what to do about my M/H/D...none. I am plumb out of ideas. I just have a sneaky feeling that I'm missing a trick somewhere, a kind of self 180. Meanwhile, trying to focus on all the other things I can control and influence (with the odd pathetic 'where's my beloved/how can this be' duvet day now and then)

Next challenge...got my L to send proposal that H said was all he wanted 'to move on without going to Court'. A week ago. No response at all. Zip. Echoing silence. I have no idea what I will/should do if I've heard nothing by next week. My L will want to take the 'nuclear destruction' Court route because after 8 months, it's the only option left to protect me. Another L letter or email chasing a response seems pointless. And because he filed - nisi was in June - I can't stop H suddenly applying for Absolute even though he said he wouldn't before agreement. And I can't stop him adding some more fun WTF like raiding the household a/c again because I can't remove my name without him co-signing a bit of bank paperwork. And I can't make him talk to me and I can't make him do any of the practical things he has said he would do about the house sale or joint stuff. Hmmm.

But I am wondering if I am accidentally giving up on any hope because I feel so powerless with such a long list of 'can't'.

If I didn't mind read and had a PMA and decided to accept what I can't control but also pick up my DB banner and keep fighting for my M....I wonder what I might do next which is a 180 but not idiotic?


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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