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Glenn82 Offline OP
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Dear people of this forum,

My name is G and I am from Belgium (Europe)
With the help of YouTube I found the videos of Michelle. Which are in my opinion and situation very helpful psychological at this moment. Likewise this forum that I read some days ago.

I am 35 and my wife E is 31. Now in October we will be 14 years together and 4 year married. We know each other from university. She is and was a strong alpha female and I a alpha male. Our relationship was wonderfull, almost magic. Never were there arguments or fights. Everything fitted. We were that lucky people everybody wanted or was jealous about 
KISS would say: We are made for loving each other . And she is a real woman. We have/had a gret fulfillment and a lot of joy together.
We have three little children: a daughter (7), another daughter (5) and a son (almost 3).

Two months after our wedding, there has been diagnosed cancer with my mother in law. She died lately on 11 february 2017. I have the feeling Elise has not yet been really grieved about her mom. Everybody notice it.
Last three years my wife was several times unemployed, at a given moment she was a teacher with a lot of work in the evening, at the same time she studied for giving teach, her great grandmother died 2 years ago, her grandmother died 1 year ago, we were rebuilding a house, we were blessed with a third child smile that was always welcome, I had some months of financial troubles at work (nowadays very good again), she has a sis of 25 wich is low gifted,
But we all dealt with it off course.

BUT
Lately in November she getted a job. With a temporally contract till September. There was a guy, I would rather say a boy from 27. He still lives together with his parents, he is 20 cm smaller than her, weighted almost 100 kg, is a real nerd, plays playstation and foremost boardgames, has never had a girlfriend,
Once E called him her best girlfriend. He has a working contract till this month.
At a sudden moment, at the edge of April she announced the bomb. She wanted a divorce and she doesnt feel anything for me. And that she want to be with that guy and it is amazing, they are soulmates You know the stuff
She want a divorce for asking for a new mortgage to buy a new house with him.
We had a real sexdrive, but she says it happens with him but is foremost not anymore important in her life.
They are texting each other like crazy, Elise is into boardgames, she plays Pokmon like crazy, sometimes she spends sometimes the night with him or she comes back home very late at 5 am.
After 4 weeks I decided not to sleep together anymore, but she could the first weeks.
She want a divorce, but I have been calm, so divorce papers are not yet filled in.
We still live together, but I am doing no / less contact and have a life of my own (I go out, I am working out, I am very adventurous, )
She texts him or calls him at home. She has no respect for my feelings. I have been said different times that she has to leave the house and rent something with that boy. But no first she wants a divorce that she could buy a house and then she will leave!
Now she is on a holiday with him and his family and our kids.
I think of the passing away of her mom, she has been attached too that guy and het behavior is not normal. I dont even really recognize my wife.

What can I still do? I need really advice.
My marriage is really worth saving. I dont give up yet! Beceause I would regret it when on my dying bed some decades of now.

G

Last edited by Cristy; 08/11/17 08:01 AM. Reason: please do not use specific names for security purposes
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
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Hello Glenn, welcome to the forums! Wow, it sounds like your W is going through something, I don't know if it's MLC, she's young for that, but it could be. That guy doesn't exactly sound like a great catch, but then again it's not uncommon for a WAS to "affair down". Maybe this guy is giving her the kind of attention she felt she was lacking in the M, that is one of the reasons they "affair down" is that a less desirable person is so happy to have someone out of their league that they will lavish them with attention. I think her calling him "her best girlfriend" may point to him being there emotionally for her like a girlfriend would, so that may have been lacking in the marriage? If you haven't read DR then do so, it'll help. Also read the 5 Love Languages, it'll help you understand things you could do differently to communicate to your W in her "love language".

If you don't want the D then don't do any work on it yourself, leave it up to her. Often when the LBS removes all pressure and quits talking about D, the WAS will put it on the back burner indefinitely.

Just based on your description it sounds like your W is firmly in the limerence stage with her affair partner. The best thing you can do is just leave her alone and give her time and space. You can't "nice" her back, so don't pander to her and do her favors. Just pull back, work on you, show her what she is missing with you.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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heel veel sterkte ook!

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Glenn82 Offline OP
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Hello Anotherstander,
Hallo Tobias (In Dutch overhere, you are kidding smile )

Anotherstander you mention MLC. She once said because of her mom, that she only will thinking on her self now...

All our family and common friends say the same thing, like you call it an "affair" down.

In Belgium there are two ways too divorce. The first one is in consultation with each other. The procedure is about 4 months.
That is the way she wants it. But like you said I don't want to "help" her with.
The other way is at court. The procedure is about 6 months. She has to do "all the work" then.
If if would be in consultation ever, is it a good idea to say that I only would do it, when she leaves immediately after been filed in? Or is the best way to still love "together"? I mean for fixing a emotional connection is it better to separate for her of better in the long term to stay together and that I try to deal with this rare situation.

I had allready heard of the so called limerence stage. And it seems so. At this moment I am watching youtube about that subject.

Since some weeks I am pulling away and working about myself. I am feeling allready like Glenn version 2.0. Everyday I feel I am growing mentally (how to deal with life) and also physically. When she mentioned the break up, the day after I started running every two days, doing kettebells exercises, eating healthy; I was once a rugbyplayer. In january I weighted 103 kg and now 88 kg. I am full of energy. I allways said that I dreamt of been 88 kg. The break up triggered it smile.

Her holiday is over today. Mine starts today for 2,5 weeks.
It is our youngest son his birthday today, he becomes 3.
Everyday we go on holiday (Italy, Crete, Rhodos). Normally we would go to Austria first because my best man will get married with an Austrian girl. Afterwards we would go to Croatia.
But that were the plans... Nevertheless I was present with the kids at the wedding in Austria some weeks ago. Drived by car all alone.
And today I booked a last minute to Mallorce (Spain), starting 17 th august till 30 th august.

After one week E didn't not wear her wedding ring anymore. She declares it would be a lie wearing him.
At this day I still wear mine. But yesterday I thougHt the following: My wedding ring is a gift from her symbolIsing her love too me. That love is "gone" or "hidden" very deep. I want to still wear my ring, but ...

I would sound perhaps very strange to you, but If one couple can be together after "this" once, it is we...
Nevertheless I don't life with stupid hope. But in life everything is possible.



I can only say, it does very good to me to be on this forum and been heard. Even when an ocean is across smile

Glenn

Last edited by Cristy; 08/11/17 08:03 AM. Reason: please do not use specific names or email for security purposes
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.



PS - do not exchange email addresses as that is against the TOS - board rules


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Originally Posted By: Glenn82

If if would be in consultation ever, is it a good idea to say that I only would do it, when she leaves immediately after been filed in? Or is the best way to still love "together"? I mean for fixing a emotional connection is it better to separate for her of better in the long term to stay together and that I try to deal with this rare situation.


For most people, nothing really changes as long as the WAS lives under the same roof. It's really difficult to give them the "time and space" they want when they're living there. Plus it keeps the LBS in limbo, they have trouble letting go if the WAS is right there every day. But every situation is unique, so you have to decide what is best for you.

Quote:
Since some weeks I am pulling away and working about myself. I am feeling allready like Glenn version 2.0. Everyday I feel I am growing mentally (how to deal with life) and also physically. When she mentioned the break up, the day after I started running every two days, doing kettebells exercises, eating healthy; I was once a rugbyplayer. In january I weighted 103 kg and now 88 kg. I am full of energy. I allways said that I dreamt of been 88 kg. The break up triggered it smile.


Great stuff, keep it up! And yes, the BD diet is the most effective known to humankind, LOL!

Quote:
After one week Elise didn't not wear her wedding ring anymore. She declares it would be a lie wearing him.
At this day I still wear mine. But yesterday I thougHt the following: My wedding ring is a gift from her symbolIsing her love too me. That love is "gone" or "hidden" very deep. I want to still wear my ring, but ...


This has come up a lot in other threads. There's no "right" or "wrong" thing to do, some people prefer to keep wearing it and others take it off as soon as the WAS does. In my case I never wore my ring much anyway because I was always working on cars, motorcycles and house construction so I didn't have to deal with it.

Quote:
I would sound perhaps very strange to you, but If one couple can be together after "this" once, it is we...
Nevertheless I don't life with stupid hope. But in life everything is possible.


Oh yes, absolutely. There are plenty of reasons to hope! It just takes a lot longer than you might expect. I've said it before, but if LBS's had more patience I think a lot more M's would be rekindled. But much of the time when the WAS decides to recon, the LBS is done. So be patient and you never know what may happen!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Hello Glenn82,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Glenn82 Offline OP
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Dear followers,

For me it's amazing to see that some one still can "live" in the family house.
And Elise and him find it "common" this situation. There are enough possibilities to rent a appartement together...

What do you mean with "For most people, nothing really changes as long as the WAS lives under the same roof. It's really difficult to give them the "time and space" they want when they're living there. Plus it keeps the LBS in limbo, they have trouble letting go if the WAS is right there every day."

In a certain way I think my loved one and wife is "death", I don't recognize her. The new Elise has killed her I think.
In some matter we live apart. It is true for me very difficult, but If it would be easy, there were less divorces I think ...

I have commited myself to "live on my own" for one year. But you never know... It can be great too do things on your own and spending energy in your own life to grow.

The wedding ring is still a difficult issue for me. Otherwise I think as long as a wear him, she will think I don't really go further in life. But it is still a symbol for me, even in difficult times not?


Here some updates of the situation:

-Last friday our son became three. Thursday evening I decorated the house for him, ordered cake,... Friday they would came home from holiday with her "new family". In the evening normally she had to work. I was at home from 3:00 pm.
I was waiting. At 7:00 pm I received a message that she doesn't had to work. She asked if I had plans otherwise she would stay with the kids with h. I said that I would like to feast our son his birthday. But that I was now very late and that I was very dissapointed. She said that she would still come. But I answered never mind anymore.

-Saturday I said that I would be on holiday with the kids from Thursday till 30 th august.
She said she had also looked for a last minute, but everything was expensive. I didn't "bite".
"Luckily" I saw a text message from her to him afterwards: She could not believe that I go on holiday with the kids for such a long time on my own. She declared not to do laundry and that I had to pack everything meself.

Some hours later I started doing the laundry smile
Tomorrow I will start packing for the holiday

Afterwards for the first time she went too her dad to speak about the situation. I still have a great connection with him. The two didn't speak because of the "situation".


@Anotherstander:
"Oh yes, absolutely. There are plenty of reasons to hope! It just takes a lot longer than you might expect. I've said it before, but if LBS's had more patience I think a lot more M's would be rekindled. But much of the time when the WAS decides to recon, the LBS is done. So be patient and you never know what may happen!"

I can only "hope" but this it not for common men of women... you have to be from Krypton...

I can speak only for myself but I can't still throw my marriage away, if it never happend...
Almost 14 years,... what is the meaning then of three months and two weeks and still counting... I don't know...the future will decide.

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Glenn82 Offline OP
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Hello again,

I need some guidance.

Elise decided to celibrate our boy's birthday on the second of September with my family-in-law. I am also invited as his dad.
Should I go or not?

At this moment I don't want too.

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