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chanove Offline OP
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My wife of 14 years has really gotten into local theater for the past couple of years, which means she has been gone a lot while I watch the two kids. We have drifted apart and she blames me for yelling and name calling, which is unfortunately true. I have resent the fact that she parties with her new friends in "running lines" or cast parties. Her anger at me has grown to the point where she said she wanted me to get someone else pregnant so that she could divorce me. I wanted to work things out, so we are going to a marriage counselor. The counselor told me my wife was 99% out the door and I had to focus on me to make the marriage work. It was hard to believe I let things get so out of hand.

I then had some suspicions that things were not adding up, so I checked her phone (which she guards). I feel bad for doing it, but she always denied things when I confronted her and I felt she was hiding something. I found a lot of evidence of emotional cheating with several guys, but do not think she has had sex. I confronted her with this yesterday (I know, stupid idea) and she said she was sorry. However today she said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this. I don't know where to go this week, but you said something about wanting to stay together for the kids. I don't want that to be the reason you're with me. You're 50% done. I can sleep on the couch until I have an actual place to go." We later talked on the phone and I explained that I'm 100% committed to saving the marriage and it's not about the kids, however, I don't think that's going to make the difference.

Is there anything I can do to save this marriage?

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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chanove Offline OP
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This is exactly what needed. Thank you!

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Hello chanove,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Of course there are things you can do to save your marriage!

Is your marriage counselor marriage friendly? Michele has an excellent video regarding When Couples Therapy is a Bad Idea. Please email me directly and I will send you a link.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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chanove Offline OP
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Thank you! We've had 3 sessions so far, so I haven't really figured her out yet. The last session she was friendly and apologized if she was too hard on me. What she said was tough, but I needed to hear it. I screwed up by bringing up the emotional infidelity too soon. I'll see what happens tonight and if she will sleep on the couch.

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Hi Chanoe, welcome to our community. Did these problems begin after your W became involved in theater?

What are the ages of you, wife, and kids? Does she work at anything other than theater?

Why does your W have so much anger toward you? You admitted to yelling and name calling. Is that you being aggressive or defensive?

The more marital background you give us, the better we have an overall view of the situation. I encourage you to stick with us and post every chance you have. The more you post, the more you draw other board members and their responses.

Be sure to read those links Cadet posted.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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chanove Offline OP
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As an update, things improved in the evening. I used tips I found here. I kept the conversation light and did not engage in anything bordering on arguing. I was very agreeable without being too needy. An example was when she said she hadn't slept with anyone and I fought the urge to ask probing questions.

She ended up sleeping in our bed. This morning we talked about going on a date Friday night. It also helped that she got her car stuck this morning and I let her use my car while I stayed behind to fix the situation.

I'm trying everything in my power to keep things positive and not bring up anything that would seem critical. I feel torn because I do not want to divorce, but I don't want her to continue with her behaviors toward other people. I guess I need to hold off on that for now. My hope is that if I rebuild the marriage, she won't want to engage in that behavior anymore. Thank you everyone for your replies.

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chanove Offline OP
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sandi2,

Did these problems begin after your W became involved in theater?

I honestly don't know. Last night she said she shouldn't have taken a promotion 3 years ago, because that is when she started drifting away. I also got a promotion at the same time and I was very stressed with the new job. This was shortly after the birth of our second child (who is now 3). Theater definitely made things worst. It seems like a lot of people who are heavily involved are escaping reality. I didn't see it happen 3 years ago, but more of her drifting away by spending so much time away with theater. However, I suppose she knows what really happened much more than me.

What are the ages of you, wife, and kids? Does she work at anything other than theater?

I am 40, my wife is 34, and our children are 15 and 3. She is a teacher, so she gets a little bit unhinged during the summer.

I will add that she has bipolar disorder, which can make things confusing on my end. Her mood has been unstable since I've known her, so I can't easily spot a sudden change of behavior.

Why does your W have so much anger toward you? You admitted to yelling and name calling. Is that you being aggressive or defensive?

I don't know why she has anger toward me. My yelling and name calling was usually defensive. There has been no unfaithfulness on my part and I've not been abusive toward her. It may just stem from her inner conflict of living a secret life.

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chanove Offline OP
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Still completely confused here.

We are still not separated. She wants reassurance that I will not leave her down the path. I told her that I was 100% committed to making things work and I have no intentions on leaving her. We are going on a date Friday night. She is upset that I started smoking again (we quit years ago), so I'm going to quit. It's a nasty habit anyway.

I'm very confused on what to do because she hasn't separated or left yet. She says she wants to work things out, but I'm more concerned after reading this forum. It doesn't "feel" like she does and I'm afraid she stringing me along.

Most of the advice on here is what to do after she leaves.

What do I when we are still together??

Should I romance her?

Do I look unattractive by trying to work things out when she knows I know she has been emotionally unfaithful?

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