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Hi all,
I just found this site and Michele's book last week.
This is my first post & I'm hoping to get some clarity, guidance, perspective.

July 21st after a small argument, not speaking for a couple of days, my husband told me he's miserable & I made his life miserable & wants a divorce.
I had just gotten home from work when he came to the bedroom & dropped this bomb.
He started to walk out & I asked if he had nothing else to say & couldn't we talk about it?
He didn't want to, but allowed me 5-10 minutes where he proceeded to blame me for all of his unhappiness, then left. He came back the next day, didn't say a word to me, nor I to him, got a few things & left.
Came back the following day to water, get some things from the garage & left.
I heard nothing from him until the following Tuesday when he told me he was going to an attorney to start the process & would like to be fair.
What would I like moneywise, assets. BTW, we just bought a house 3 months ago.
I didn't respond because I was actually going to counseling that day & wanted some direction before I responded.
My therapist suggested I simply ask to talk in person & leave it at that. I did & he said no, there's no going back just wanted to know what I wanted in the divorce. I said ok & do what you need to do.
He proceeded to text me a few more times over the next couple of days with the same & tried to ignore him until I finally told him to stop & give me a chance to see an attorney as well.

He came by the house on Saturday to get more things from the garage. I only heard him when he was in the front of the house & looked out the window just in time to see him flip off the house. I texted him that if he wanted to be civil, why would he do that? He responded angrily that now I was crying (when I looked out the window I was crying & had been before he got there) but wasn't emotional when he left.
As I mentioned we just bought a house & are in the middle of renovations.
I had just gotten the a/c repaired after it not working for the last 2 months & hearing it on made him angry. He believes the length of time it's taken to complete projects is all my fault (indecisive).
Now that he's left I'm on the ball & get the a/c fixed (hence the finger). We proceeded to go back & forth over text & I finally just called him & asked him to talk to me. He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
He said I never let him make any decisions in our old apt. & thought things would change when we bought this house.
Our sex life was pretty non-existent, said I hated his friends (a couple, not all), the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it), we didn't have kids because I was too controlling. I have a son from a previous relationship and once my son hit 19, he left the house & went to live w/ my parents.
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Outside of my dad/brothers, he is the only father-figure my son has & has been in my son's life for more than half of it. Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me. We ended the conversation with him saying he's sorry it has to be this way, but he was filing. I texted him after that I loved him & was sorry I didn't make him happy. He texted he loves me too, doesn't hate me just the relationship & is sorry its come to this.
Some relationship backstory... We've been together 14 years and married almost 10 (in Sept). I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
He left one time before about 7-8 years ago for a few weeks, but came back.
We briefly went to counseling, but really only tried to work on our communication ourselves, which I thought we were. He has been stressed. His mother who he was close to, passed away in '09 & this Jan. his father was diagnosed with dementia. B/t his sister & himself, they've been trying to care for their dad, who still lives alone but is declining in certain aspects. He & his sister constantly fight over his father's care.
He's had a lot of built-up aggression & started individual counseling, anger mgmt classes about 1.5 years go. It's been inconsistent though.
Add the stresses of a new house, renovations & our own marital issues & he blew.
The initial "small" argument was that we were supposed to travel to his friend's wedding.
I was responsible for booking travel. It was expensive, but offered to pitch in because I knew it was important to him. Was prolonging it in hopes of finding a deal but hadn't recently communicated that. Two days before he left, he told me to stop looking & we weren't going. He didn't want to look dumb & cancel at the last minute. It's a petty reason, but I really believe w/ all of the stress he was looking forward to this trip. When it didn't happen, he was upset & all of that highlighted my flaws.
Since our last phone conversation, he filed on 8/31 - I looked it up online. I believe (not 100% sure)they tried to serve me 2 days later.
I was in the shower & could hear the doorbell ringing (we never have visitors).
By the time I got out, no one was there. It's been a week & I'm just waiting for them to come back. In 2 weeks, my son is moving 5 hours away to finish school.
He texted if he could come by to discuss the sale of the house but I told him I was busy w/ my son's move. I also still haven't received any legal counsel & said once I get through this move, I will deal w/ the divorce. He said fine, but he's only seen a paralegal & was trying not to go the attorney route, so this would be civil. He has also not even bothered to call my son, which is really hurtful. I would normally say our son, but based on his actions, it's too painful.

Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere. I knew some of these issues, I just didn't know how deep they ran. His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
My first reaction was an affair, but I looked through our phone bills & nothing too suspicious (although he has since removed his phone from the family account).
He doesn't go out at night or on weekends w/out me that would cause suspicion.
I'm not ruling it out, but I'm also trying not to focus on that too much either.

I love my husband & would love nothing more than to reconcile & work on our marriage.
I know my part in this.
I also know, I have little control in that aspect, but with the filing it all seems to be going so fast. I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
As I approach the 3rd week since he's left, I'm slowly picking myself off the floor and trying to GAL (counseling, reading the book, had drinks w/ friends).
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.

I apologize for the length, it just spilled out.
Thoughts, insight, suggestions are truly appreciated.

Last edited by Cadet; 08/08/17 07:01 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability

M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
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Hello LAJar,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm glad you found this site and Michele's book. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best LAJar and Mom that only a fool would leave.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hello LA, welcome to the forums!! I really hope you don't take the following as an attack but I'm reading some things in your post that do concern me, and feel they need to be brought to your attention so you can focus on what you need to do 180's on.

Originally Posted By: LAJar

He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.


Do you think you're not controlling? Because I kind of get the impression from your first post that you might have some tendencies in that direction.

Quote:
said I hated his friends (a couple, not all)


Quote:
the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it)


Quote:
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.


Sounds to me like his above complaints are valid, and you're trying to explain them away as no big deal. There are a few lessons here, one is that what may not seem important to you may be EXTREMELY important to your spouse. Another is that when your spouse expresses displeasure about something, the proper response is to listen and validate. His feelings MATTER! If you try to argue or explain away his complaints, you INVALIDATE his feelings which makes him feel like you don't listen and don't care. Third, you probably complained a lot about these things, like the city you live in "not my first choice but getting used to it." Did you ever tell him you were getting used to it or did he just hear non-stop about how it wasn't your preference to live there?

All this kind of stuff generates a lot of negative energy and resentment which builds up over time. It sounds to me like he finally just had enough. Have you read DR? If not, do so right away. Also consider a DB coach, they can help you navigate this rough time. What you need to do is remove all pressure from him. Give him time and space. Do 180's on those things you were doing wrong in the M- it sounds like from your first post that listening and validation are two areas you could work on.

Quote:
Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me.


For most men a lack of sex in marriage is a giant issue. It sounds to me like you are kind of brushing it off here. It's not something you can work on now, but if and when you start reconnecting then that would be another area to do a 180.

Quote:
I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.


I'll be honest with you, as a man, reading your post just made be cringe. It sounds like a terrible relationship, not one I would want to be stuck in for sure. I'm really not trying to beat you up but you need to see the truth of it to understand the magnitude of the changes you need to make if you want to recon. You really need to see what you were doing wrong here, because I think you see it all as minor stuff and it is not. Case in point:

Quote:
Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere.


I don't think that at all. There were a lot of red flags in the relationship.

Quote:
His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.


Not really, he's probably been complaining for years and waiting for things to change. That's pretty typical- the WAS complains which makes the LBS get angry and shut down. Eventually the WAS quits trying and plans their escape. The LBS thinks things are BETTER because of the lack of complaints, so BD comes as a shock. I'm not saying he did the right thing, BD usually happens because both parties are checked out of the M and have been for quite some time. They both quit trying to fulfill the other's needs.

Quote:
I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.


There's no reason to give up hope. He was attracted to you originally, and he can be again. You have to get back to that person he was originally attracted to. Think about how you can do that.

Quote:
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.


If it comes to that then hire an attorney and discuss how to protect yourself financially.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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LAJar Offline OP
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Hi AnotherStander,

Thank you for your honest response. I'm not sure how to quote as you did, so bear with me.

No attack taken. I'm not going to lie, a stranger saying you might be a bit controlling from a forum post, stings a bit. I acknowledge that I can be controlling. I feel like I'm somewhat self-aware, but lack the tools to correct the behavior effectively and permanently. I tried to work on my approach, sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. Just curious, what about my post made you think that?

I never complained about his friends. I had an issue with 1 when we first got together, which we resolved. Another who he rarely saw is a drug abuser and only called my husband for money. I didn't care for that, but had my husband wanted to be around him, I would have. The move was difficult. It added an extra 25 minutes to my commute making it an hour. I didn't complain incessantly about it but at the beginning it was frustrating. I got over it. I agreed to the move, so I had to get over it & shut up. I told him I needed time for it to feel like home, but it would come. It's just my process.

I do believe all of his complaints are valid. I recognize we're different people & what's important to him may not be as important to me. I think I listened after the fact, meaning I should have done a better job leading up to/avoiding the argument. Validating his feelings was something I also should have done better at. Hindsight. Maybe when the behaviors continue, even if they're acknowledged, it conveys invalidation?

I have my own issues with sex. I knew he wanted it, he knew I was standoffish. I didn't acknowledge how it made him feel when I put him off. For me though, his approach was lacking as well, but not something we ever discussed. For a woman, that's a hard one to bypass.

Another stinger, you write that our relationship seemed pretty terrible. In what I conveyed, what made it seem "pretty terrible"? Harsh, but it's what I'm looking for. I can see some of my behaviors, just not all of them. I was mistaken to believe all of the time we spent together, the fun we had, getting through the outside work & family difficulties together was evidence of a good relationship. Not perfect, but we were getting through. Clearly that wasn't the case. If these issues came up, we argued and worked to address them, apologized and moved forward. In the past, we wouldn't talk for days/weeks at a time. We both acknowledge this was wrong & was not the way we handled it anymore. It was these deep, ongoing issues I didn't realize were having such an impact.
It may be too little too late, but I'm at least willing to acknowledge & work on myself. I have become a little resentful because things weren't always the greatest with him either. I just didn't resort to walking out. I gave him the opportunity to work on himself, when I expressed an issue with his behavior. He walks away when I would like that same chance? Of course, not something I would say to him now, just feeling that.

I'm trying not to give up hope, but without any contact it's hard. I am reading the book, going to counseling and getting through life best as I can. If I have the opportunity to discuss, I know I need to validate and do 180s.

I would hate for it to come to an end, but his resentment is deep and not something you overcome overnight. He has to see my willingness and be open to it. If not, I know I have to protect myself. Just not a place I thought we'd be...


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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I agree with everything AS wrote except for the part about not being able to work on the sex life bit right now.

I think now is a great time for you to dig into why you are standoffish. I found Michelle's book on sex-starved marriages to be enormously helpful, and I read several other good ones as well. You might not be able to put what you learn into practice while separated, but you can change the mental piece.

I also encourage you to get an individual counselor to work on your control and communication issues.

One of the principles of DBing is that you can only change yourself, and that you changing makes it easier for your partner to change.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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I have the book and am reading it. It is helping me get through and bringing me such needed direction.

Thank you!


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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LAJar Offline OP
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Rose888,

My sex issues are obviously apart with my husband or without. Thank you for the advice on the book, which I'll be ordering today.

I scheduled a couseling appointment the very next week after H left. I'm determined to be consistent and work on myself. Here's to hoping, but being realistic. Thank you.


M:43 H:44
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S:26
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PA:8/30/17
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Originally Posted By: LAJar
I'm not sure how to quote as you did, so bear with me.


At the bottom of the post you want to quote, hit the "quote" button. It'll open a reply window with all the text in it. Then what I do is select the text I want to quote, highlight it and hit the " (quotation mark) button at the top of the screen and it'll place quote tags around the text. Then I type my reply below that and keep repeating for each quote.

Quote:
Just curious, what about my post made you think that?


It was in your comments, you said that your H said that you were controlling and then you gave a few examples such as you never letting him make any design decisions on the apartment and the house. Even though he says he's "done" you don't know that he is. And a big part of DB'ing is taking all of the things that our WAS tells us we were doing wrong and doing 180's on those things. So that's part of what we're here to do is help you see the things you need to do 180's on. We try to do it without upsetting or offending smile

Quote:
I never complained about his friends. I had an issue with 1 when we first got together, which we resolved. Another who he rarely saw is a drug abuser and only called my husband for money. I didn't care for that, but had my husband wanted to be around him, I would have. The move was difficult. It added an extra 25 minutes to my commute making it an hour. I didn't complain incessantly about it but at the beginning it was frustrating. I got over it. I agreed to the move, so I had to get over it & shut up. I told him I needed time for it to feel like home, but it would come. It's just my process.


Well, I understand what you are saying but I think you are still downplaying and justifying when you should be saying "how can I do a 180 on this." You haven't posted a lot but I already see this repeating pattern of you talking about something you did wrong in the M and then proceeding to explain it away as not being a big thing. But, you may not have SAID you didn't like the move, that you didn't like his friends, that you hated someone asking him for money, but I'd be willing to bet that he FELT your anger, frustration and other negative emotions. You can't hide that stuff! So you don't think it was a big deal, but HE probably did. And when your spouse feels you're doing something wrong and you think it's nothing, then resentment builds.

Quote:
Maybe when the behaviors continue, even if they're acknowledged, it conveys invalidation?


Definitely! Good observation.

Quote:
I have my own issues with sex. I knew he wanted it, he knew I was standoffish. I didn't acknowledge how it made him feel when I put him off. For me though, his approach was lacking as well, but not something we ever discussed. For a woman, that's a hard one to bypass.


I am definitely not saying he is perfect and without fault. Personally I feel that ANY spouse that leaves the M is displaying a huge lack of character, but we're here to deal with the one thing in this we have control over- ourselves. So there's nothing you can do about HIS approach, only YOURS. After you finish DR, read the 5 Love Languages, it's a great book that addresses how to communicate in the love languages of others instead of our own love language. A lot of times when marriages fail it's because both spouses quit filling the other's emotional needs. One of the big points in the book is when that happens, we can't sit around waiting for our spouse to fill our emotional bank account. We have to fill THEIRS first. WE have to do the work. But when we do, the payoff is huge because when we meet THEIR emotional needs first, then they WANT to meet ours.

Quote:
Another stinger, you write that our relationship seemed pretty terrible. In what I conveyed, what made it seem "pretty terrible"?


You've mentioned a nonexistent sex life, controlling behavior, criticizing (verbally or emotionally) of everything from his friends to the place you lived, poor communication, not listening/ understanding/ validating. If you asked me to sit down a make a list of the 10 most damaging marriage killing traits I would rank those as the top 5!

Quote:
I was mistaken to believe all of the time we spent together, the fun we had, getting through the outside work & family difficulties together was evidence of a good relationship.


We ALL had good things in our marriages. But we had failures as well. Eventually the bad outweighs the good for the WAS and they want out.

Quote:
It may be too little too late, but I'm at least willing to acknowledge & work on myself.


That's all any of us can do. Maybe it'll bring our spouse back into a better R, or maybe our next R will go that much smoother. But regardless, it's work we need to put in. And it never ends, DB'ing is forever.

Quote:
I have become a little resentful because things weren't always the greatest with him either. I just didn't resort to walking out. I gave him the opportunity to work on himself, when I expressed an issue with his behavior. He walks away when I would like that same chance?


WAS's are far from perfect, and almost always they are just as guilty of failures as the LBS, if not more so. But we can't work on them, only ourselves. And believe me, we are ALL right there with you in thinking that simply walking out on the M is NOT FAIR and NOT valid conflict resolution!!!!

Quote:
I'm trying not to give up hope, but without any contact it's hard. I am reading the book, going to counseling and getting through life best as I can.


I know it's hard, just hang in there! One foot in front of the other. Sometimes you have to focus on getting through the day and nothing more. And if that's too much then getting through the next hour. Healing will come, but it takes a while.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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