Still bad at DB

[25yearsmlc]

dale

there is something VERY important that you have gotten ALL wrong...

Leah (and I, for that matter) are not "Alabama" people.

We are WAR EAGLES... As for LSU...(sniff)

just saying...

[dale165]

My apologies 25, I'm willing to accept Auburn:)

[AnotherStander]

I never bring W up unless they ask if I heard from her. Apparently she is wayward from them as well.

Yeah, that happens a lot. The spouse is the first to go, but often the WAS will alienate from the kids next, then from other family, then from friends. If and when they reconnect they do it in reverse order. So it's usually a good sign if you see them reconnecting with friends and family, eventually that path will lead back to the LBS.

Thanks again for all you write, I don't know if you get enough credit on here!

You're welcome, I appreciate the kind words

Funny story and I probably handled this wrong but its still funny. Me and two other guys went eat and drink some beer at a local downtown restaurant two Saturdays ago. As we were walking out, boom there's my W and OM walking his dog. We crossed paths and we all stopped. All in disbelief as we finally meet face to face. Never seen this guy except on FB and he only had pics of their faces. W said hey in a nervous voice and I stopped and looked at OM. Looked at him up then down then down then up. I pointed at him and looked at her and said this is the guy you left me for? Your joking right? Surprisingly I had no anger and we just walked off after that.

Hahaha! Well maybe not textbook DB'ing, but it does make for an amusing story

Since that day W has asked me to do several things and I had to decline due to other obligations.

Good!

She has not directly addressed that day yet but she keeps saying she is depressed and nothing is going her way. I wanted to say something rude but I just say I'm sorry and leave it at that.

Yeah on the one hand you could try to talk to her and validate, but on the other hand as long as she's with OM it's no fun being her life preserver.

Good job on avoiding the snooping, it helps your attitude, doesn't it?

[WshIKnw]

I just keep telling myself I can only control myself and just go about my business.

That's right. We all learn the hard way just how much we have no control of our spouses.

I can't believe how they can go out and be seen in public together like that, somewhere that people know them. Surely there are laws against adultery in Louisiana, that they would fear as well.

[dale165]

Hey AS it sure does feel good! Been going to this divorce class on Sundays and it puts it in perspective nicely. I've been idolizing W and her mood and behavior was directly correlated to how I feel. So I figured if I don't know how she feels and is up to then I can 100% focus on me. When she was sad I was happy and vice versa. Crazy to think someone could be happy that someone was sad.

Wsh, yeah it is crazy but where they live I may know 10 people. As I thought about it more, she really didn't have many friends and the ones she told have done it themselves. Also, LA doesn't have any weird laws on adultery except if I wanted to I could ask for at fault divorce. We already meet criteria for no-fault so I guess that's moot. At this point even if they had some crazy laws I think my desire for retribution is gone. If it comes to D I would just sign the no-fault deal and call it a day. Our W-2s were 1 grand apart last year, house was already mine, she has all her things so it may be the simplest D ever.

[25yearsmlc]

I just keep telling myself I can only control myself and just go about my business.

That's right. We all learn the hard way just how much we have no control of our spouses.

I can't believe how they can go out and be seen in public together like that, somewhere that people know them. Surely there are laws against adultery in Louisiana, that they would fear as well.

Most states do not have a statute against adultery, about 21 have it &usually it's a misdemeanor. (States very rarely treat as a crime, however.)

However it's grounds for divorce in most states that are not no fault. The legal reality is that once a couple is separated, family law judges tend to treat relationships with OPs as a private matter or something the judge won't address.

I'm not defending that, just saying that it's reality.

[WshIKnw]

25, you're right. A misdemeanor charge isn't much to worry about, but it's clear they also aren't very worried about public embarrassment/shame, loss of employment, or lawsuits over alienation of affection or criminal conversation.

[25yearsmlc]

25, you're right. A misdemeanor charge isn't much to worry about, but it's clear they also aren't very worried about public embarrassment/shame, loss of employment, or lawsuits over alienation of affection or criminal conversation.

First off, usually the LBS wants to move on with their life and get past this, not make their pain a public spectacle. Second, suing for alienation of affection is a rough thing to prove & win & an even harder thing to decide it's worth it.

If you were to sue the OP, they can defend themselves by saying that THEY were not the primary problem and they did not cause the end of the marriage, but that the marriage was already broken.

And that means the LBSer has to defend their own behaviors and prove the marriage was just fine until the OP came along.

And ^^^that's just gross.


The irony is that most WAS's feel the need to prove they made the right choice by going public with the new relationship. Often they are not ashamed at all.

In fact, many want public validation and public vindication. (Which hurts to see).

The LBS's job is to stay on their side of the fence and do their work and GAL to be happy.

We are not facing a choice between a happy marriage versus a painful divorce.

Our choice is either handling the reality that a divorce is probably coming, in a healthy way

or hiding from that reality & risking our heart & financial future.

^^^Also gross...

[25yearsmlc]

Dale,

sorry for the tangents about adultery.

I agree with Tx & Sandi and AS and whoever else said you need to change this dynamic fast. We know you had your share of the blame inside the marriage but that issue has been addressed in the only way you can. IF/WHEN you are forced to be around your w, you can show her you listen better and make eye contact, etc.

But as of NOW...

If I recall correctly, this affair was not her first. Which is not a good omen.

In any case, the only couples around here whom I know of to reconcile,

consisted of a WAS who started to believe they were losing the LBS.

Your wife knows full well you are waiting for her...without telling her outright (maybe later)

you have to GAL for real, b/c that is the only way I know of, to Detach.

Detaching is not all about getting her to notice, on the contrary, it's about YOU saving your sanity and health.

Recently I had some physical reactions to the stress, (chest pain, racing heart, sweating like a panic attack in the middle of the night -- nightmares sometimes recalled.)

It hit me full force, that the backslides to obsessing and letting my stbx h have free rental space in my head and heart - was literally physically hurting me.

(Thank GOD h does not live near me b/c your temper issue would have been mine, & it ain't pretty).

As for "mixed messages", here's what I wish I had known 10 years ago. The "mix" needs to be ignored. Let's get real, b/c When a WAS really does want to reconcile, AND do the work to piece - way harder than anyone expects ---

there will be CLARITY & INTENTION & COMMITMENT from the WAS. Nothing fuzzy or half ass.

Because if it's fuzzy or half ass, the LBSer needs to run away faster, not probe for how the WAS really feels or IF there is remorse and self awareness.

Reconciling without laying the foundation first - is like wearing a "Hit Me Again" sign on your back. No thanks.

Massively Detach and assume you will NOT reconcile until if/when that changes.


Anyhow, I am not sure if I posted this to you on an earlier thread of yours, but here it is anyway b/c it's so illustrative of our course of action-

From the film, "Swingers"...


- Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? - You don't call.

- You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. - Right.

- So I don't call either way. - Right.

- So what's the difference? - There is no difference right now.

See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up...

is if you take her back when she wants to come back.

But you can't do anything to make her want to come back.

In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her.

- Right. - Well, that [censored].

Yeah, it [censored].

So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her.

And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Right, although probably more likely the opposite.

What do you mean?

I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her.

Not call her, I don't know, whatever.

But then, eventually, you really will forget about her.

- Well, unless she comes back first. - Mm, see, that's the thing.

Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

- There's the rub. - There's the rub.

[dale165]

Hey 25 no problem on the adultery tangent. I think Louisiana is just the standard deal when it comes to that. I highly doubt these other states ever prosecute these misdemeanors anyway. I'm no longer interested in fighting and retribution. She is always wondering what someone says/thinks so I'm willing to bet her guilt is paying her back for me.

This was/is the only affair. Unless you know something I don't???? lol.

That divorce care is helping a lot. The face to face interaction is a huge advantage. Be nice if this board had something like that. I can talk to people who are in the same exact situation and know I'm not alone. Heck my case sounds like nothing compared to the others. One lady in there was married 50 years and her H left her for another woman. The class has roughly 10 people and I'm the only guy but I'll take what I can get!