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#2755536 08/08/17 05:12 AM
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fish198 Offline OP
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Hi,

I am completely new to this forum and forums in general, but I just feel like I need some advice and support form others that might be experiencing something similar.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 2 and a half. Living separately for 6 months.

My husband gave me the 'talk' in December saying 'i love you but I am not in love with you...' etc etc. Timing was awful as we had just exchanged on a house 5 days before and a month before that I had my second miscarriage, I was not expecting it as he had been loving, supportive about the miscarriage up to this point and was looking forward to our new house. But the catalyst seemed to be meeting some woman at his work on Wednesday, sleeping with her on Friday and then telling me our marriage is over on Sunday! Although he did not tell me about the OW, I found out a few days later when I saw it on his phone. He said he had reevaluated his life (also got a new promotion at work) and could no longer see a future with me and wouldn't discuss anything with me.

December and January are all now a bit of a crazy blur as I did not know what to make of H behavior, it was all over the place. He was declaring love for this woman and that he wanted to marry her and have children with her after 5 minutes and then cold and detached towards me. He agreed to come to counselling, on the basis of working out separating, he came to 2 sessions, which were horrible and pretty much as Michelle describes in her book! He did not come back after that and I went and sought my own counselling with someone else, which I found really helpful.

He continued to be up and down. At the end of January we both had to move our of our apartment and when the day finally came there was a moment of clarity, or it seemed like it. He showed emotion for the first time and he said he felt like he had been drunk for 2 months and just woken up. He said he loved me and it wasn't the end for us and that he just needed some time to sort himself out. He then started saying he wanted to get back together and I thought that was true. He kept that up for a couple weeks and then we met up and it was really nice but afterwards he seemed to cool off again. He has been up and down ever since. Alluding to wanting to get back together, telling me he loves me, but then still seeing this OW (although no longer being quite so insane about it) and not actually doing anything to commit to working on our marriage or making a decision about anything. We still message everyday, which I feel keeps me trapped but at the same time, I don't want to cut it off in case that is a mistake. He has now said that he wants to talk with me and said he will say things this time and not just say 'i don't know' which is what usually happens. He said he wants to listen and before he wasn't interested.

I don't want to give up, I want to work on our marriage, but I am so frustrated with this yo yo behavior. I think its a MLC, but I really don't know. I also don't know how best to deal with this 'talk'. If it ever happens, he has already cancelled and rearranged 3 times!

Just don't know if I am being an idiot and giving myself false hope that this may turn around. I have also just found out i'm pregnant, which complicates things a million times and is the worst timing ever (silly mistake when met up with my husband)! I haven't said anything yet, and I don't want to until I know that this pregnancy is ok.

fish198 #2755539 08/08/17 05:15 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2755546 08/08/17 05:43 AM
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Yikes Fish!

You're under a lot of pressure. You have the situation with the house and your pregnancy, and the after effects of a miscarriage, and a wayward husband all at the same time. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

If you want your husband back, and you should think hard about that based on what's happened, then I'm afraid to say that you're going to have to make things worse before they can get better.

Right now, from his perspective, he has you right where he wants you. You're there for the taking if he decides to come back, he has all the power in the relationship right now, which lets him do whatever he wants to do while preserving a safety net.

This will take a huge leap of faith and a lot of discipline. First of all I highly recommend engaging a telephone coach on this site to ride along with you step by step, since they can work back and forth with you it makes things easier and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.

If you can't do that for whatever reason, the simple prescription is to start giving him space -- more space than he wants. I wouldn't go "cold turkey" on the daily messaging, but I would start to withdraw. Wait longer and longer before responding, sometimes don't respond at all, and just generally slowly pull back.

Start to "get a life" meaning go out with other people, and don't tell him where you're going or what you're doing, be mysterious! You need him to wonder what you're up to and what you're thinking.

So far, it's been like playing a game of poker where he can see all of your cards and you can't see any of his. Time to change that up -- don't tell him anything about what you want, how you're feeling, what you're thinking, nothing. When he sees you or contacts you, convince him that you're happy, self confident, and are doing your own thing and don't need him at all. You don't miss him, your life is so full, why would you? You don't have time to think about it.

What will this do?

-- It will take away his perception of having a safety net
-- It will make him wonder what you're doing, and you will progressively occupy more of his thoughts
-- It will make him wonder if you're available to him at all if he wants to come back
-- It will establish you as a happy, independent, confident person, and that's who everyone wants to be with

He will be attracted to the notion that he may have to chase you to get you back, play hard to get. He will value you more if you're a prize to be won, versus something he can just go back to.

This will be *very uncomfortable* for you, so prepare yourself for it. You need to grab the steering wheel and take control of the relationship. You need to distance when you want to cling.

Line up a support network for yourself of people who are not him, set up DB coaching appointments or engage a therapist, exercise regularly, and go out and meet new people. It's the best thing you can do.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2755547 08/08/17 05:56 AM
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Welcome to the forums! Very sorry you're going through this!

Yeah I agree with Acc. You're his Plan B right now. The thing about being a Plan B is they never promote you to Plan A. That's reserved for OW. You have to distance yourself from him, make him feel like he's losing you. If he gets worried enough to think he may actually lose you then suddenly you look like a Plan A candidate again. He's doing some major cake-eating right now so you've got to put a stop to that.

He might be MLC, but it doesn't really sound like it at this point. Sounds more like a WAH, which may have been triggered by the 2nd miscarriage and his thoughts of wanting to have kids.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Accuray #2755552 08/08/17 06:18 AM
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Hello fish198,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is going to sound like an echo around here. Yes, your husband keeps temperature checking you to see if you are still available as plan B. He is cake eating in a major way.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.

Originally Posted By: Accuray
First of all I highly recommend engaging a telephone coach on this site to ride along with you step by step, since they can work back and forth with you it makes things easier and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better.
Acc


Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Telephone Coaching!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.


Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Cristy #2755647 08/08/17 09:23 PM
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fish198 Offline OP
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Thank you all for the kind messages, I found it really helpful. I have been massively struggling with the fact he has all the power now and its all on his terms, as I am so used to being the one in control.

I do think I need to take a massive step back and just leave him to get on with whatever he is doing. And I think the pregnancy is a blessing in disguise as I can focus on that and put him out of my head.

I have been doing everything I can to keep active and see my friends and family and occupy myself, but it is still hard some days.

I would love to do the coaching, but really can't afford it at the moment, but I should be letting out one of the rooms in my house soon and hopefully should be able to sort something out then.

fish198 #2755742 08/09/17 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: fish198
I have been massively struggling with the fact he has all the power now and its all on his terms, as I am so used to being the one in control.


Hmmm, that's an interesting comment. Do you think your H felt you were controlling and manipulative? Because a lot of resentment can build up over that sort of thing.

Quote:
I do think I need to take a massive step back and just leave him to get on with whatever he is doing.


You really do, you need to give him time and space and you need it for yourself too. You probably feel helpless right now, that's one of the byproducts of BD. But your life is fully under your control, it'll take a while but you'll come to realize that!

Quote:
I have been doing everything I can to keep active and see my friends and family and occupy myself, but it is still hard some days.


It's definitely difficult. It's heart-breaking, depressing, exhausting! Just keep working on you and getting out to GAL. It's the quickest way to get better, and the best chance you have of saving the M.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
AnotherStander #2759512 09/03/17 11:21 PM
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fish198 Offline OP
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I was never controlling or manipulative, in my view. I have come to realise, that he was just never honest with me from day 1 and I have no idea why he carried everything on for so long and pretended, if it wasn't what he wanted.

It has not gone down well when I finally told him that I was pregnant today as he has had a complete meltdown as all he can think about is how it is going to massively impact on his life. He has been lying to me continuously since December and I have no idea why he has been dragging things on between us for the past 8 months, if he never had any intention of working on anything and why he kept telling me he loved me.

He finally admitted that he moved in with the woman from work on Wednesday and is now going crazy that he will have to find somewhere to live and that his work life will be over and his life will be over, and he wants to kill himself and he doesn't love me and wants a divorce and he just wants me to get rid of the baby. Which I have already decided I am not doing.

I am leaving him alone to calm down for now, cause all the emotional manipulation is draining.

In some ways I just feel relieved that it has been said and that I can move on and focus on my baby. I see him in a very different light and feel fine about not being with him after all his continuous lies. He needs to just grow up and get some help. Because I just don't understand how anyone can be capable of living a life of continuous lies and deceit and their head not explode!

fish198 #2759529 09/04/17 01:45 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2763232 09/26/17 03:59 AM
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fish198 Offline OP
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It's been about 3 weeks now since I told my husband that I was pregnant. After saying he wanted nothing to do with the baby and telling me to start divorce proceedings, he says he has had time to think and now wants to 'talk' on Thursday.

Not sure what to expect from this discussion. The only thing he has said that that he wants to apologise for his reaction and to discuss the future. I don't feel like I have anything to say, its up to him if he plays a role with the baby and how much. But at the same time, given his extensive lies I cannot believe anything he says, so it feels like this talk is pointless. But I will still listen to what he has to say.

He still hasn't told this OW that he has now moved in with, that I am pregnant, not sure how he plans to hide it. But that is his problem. I did consider whether I should say something to her, but it is not my business or my responsibility to inform her.

I have my 12 week scan next week which I hope will go well so that I can relax a bit and try to enjoy my pregnancy. I am a little worried about how my friends and family will react to the news, but so far my mum and my closest friends have been great, so I think it should be ok.

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