Hey Cali - good to see your head pop up over the parapet.
It sounds like you are navigating the waters that swirl you around with your head up.
It's interesting that your ex went to counseling for abused women. My own ex was sexually abused as a kid by an uncle in her case. Thinking back, it might have been "his" death that sent her off on her own journey to pixie dust fairy land. It does re-inforce the idea that any sort of serious trauma can jump up and bite you if you don't face it.
I think that a lot of us imagine that what caused everything to blow up involved us but are completely wrong.
Take care old friend.
TBH I think I spent to much time in my own head about what triggered MLC ... truth be told and looking back it really had no meaning other than the fact I wanted to somehow crack the MLC code and figure it out in hopes I could have somehow cure it. But knowing what really set it off in a way helps me understand it a bit but the real satisfaction is seeing her come out of it even if its almost 10 years since she was triggered.
I told a friend the other day I am at a point I really do hope she finds someone someday, and I NEVER thouhgt I would be saying that ... like ever ... like ever ever.
Bttrfly .... wow someone I actually remember!! How have ya been ??
Moved the tent over to the surviving the big D part of the boards a while ago. I'm ok, thanks for asking. Let's see, quick synopsis: Mom had to have a heart valve replacement about 18 months ago (operation or death in 6 months). She came through it well, but Dad was spiraling and passed away last Memorial Day, four days after my stuff got moved into my new house (built next door to them). Mom's now been spiraling since then, fell and broke her femur in half last September. She's now in a wheelchair, I'm working from home during this lockdown and sole caregiver. It's ok. She'll be 94 on Friday. This isn't a long term thing, unfortunately.
Son is not doing great - he's 20 now, and in some trouble and needs to face that his coping skills are bringing him to a very, very dark and self-destructive place. He knows and is taking baby steps, but man, I don't think he can do this without some outside help, which he is somewhat resistant too.
You are 18 months ahead of me on this. I'm wondering if exh will ever come out of the tunnel. he's moved to SF, and the extent of his parenting these days is playing video games nightly with son. This actually might be a good thing, as he's been bullying our son to do stuff his way and that's not helping - it's making things 1000 x worse!
Originally Posted by CaliGuy
Ugh .,.. so I dated this one girl.."Irish" on and off for a couple years, she helped me in alot of areas then I met someone whom checked off so many of the boxes I was looking for. We got very close very fast and with this I discovered I still am looking for the other shoe to drop, the past issues with xw have given me some trust issues that I did not experience till this year, some justified and some not. The positive part is as bad as the break up was I know I will never face anything like MLC so regardless I know I will be fine but there is still some more work to do when I thought I was darn near a perfect specimen of a man. I can relate to the wall thing ... thats one Irish never got past, we are still friends but I know she was a bit miffed at not being able to get through that and then someone else did. I think its just a gut thing, you will find someone whom you will not have reservations about but its after so much mirror time and self improvement till you get to a place that you actually deserve to be happy. MLC seemed to me to have an impact, we spent so much time focused on them and being miserable that it was tough to move that focus inward and heal ... heal to a point where we can admit to ourselves we deserve something better. I think I felt in a way I deserved the MLC wrath in some mystical way as punishment for all my wrong-doings.
Hmm .. yeah, that residual ptsd for lack of a better word - maybe the better word is triggers or baggage? I dunno. I hear you though. I went on a coffee date (met online). Eh. Not feeling the chemistry. Nice enough guy, easy to talk to --- but man, violent mentally unstable ex that he's got permanent restraining orders against - yikes. I cannot take that on. I have a friend that I hang out with semi-regularly. Sometimes it seems like he's moving two steps towards being more than friends and of course that's when I bolt in the other direction like a feral cat! Then sometimes I'm the one and he's all "I don't want to be in a relationship until my son is 18" (he's 12) ... he's also a victim of the MLC madness. Geez, it's like Covid- it's freaking EVERYWHERE! We care about each other a lot but last coy conversation around this topic revealed his belief that a romantic relationship would destroy our friendship ... he's probably right.
here's the thing, I'm attracted to him emotionally, intellectually and spiritually but I just won't let myself go there physically. There's another guy friend who is drop dead gorgeous and has so many deal breakers out of the gate that I know it's safe to be attracted because ain't no way anything's gonna happen here, despite his reciprocal attraction to me. So here I sit. I honestly don't know if it's that there is so much else on my plate right now, that a relationship would be the tipping point if it went south, or if I'm just irretrievably broken. Hence the questions. Thanks for your honesty. xoxo as always!
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Anyway, final question - how's your boy doing?
It really is so so so great to read an update from you buddy! I've missed you!! {{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}
Originally Posted by CaliGuy
My son is amazing, he truly is. He seems to have gone through all this very well. He is taller than I am ... at 13 ...We are guessing he is going to be 6-0 before he is 14...his favorite line is "Dad I still look up to you even if I have to look down" that's about the time I do not care about Child Protective Services and am sure they will side with me for beating him.
Yes! Mine (at just under 6'4" now) pats me on the head routinely ... and calls me shortstack! I'm 5'9"!!! Next to him I'm a shrimp! Glad your boy is doing great - is he still playing baseball? Big field, right?
Stay safe my friend!!! So good to "see" you! Massive hugs!!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
hey Cali! HOW is it possible that your son is 13 already!
So interesting about your ex - it's really something how these hidden traumas pop up. Not sure what my ex's was except that he left when our youngest son was the same age that Ex was when his mom left in a MLC. But then he had other problems I've only really been able to see in retrospect.
In my dating post-divorce I've gradually slid towards being more like those Love Avoidant guys I met in the beginning! Not really a Love Avoidant but honestly, I've no interest in actually marrying again and after my experience of the last year and a half, not sure I'll ever live with anyone again. An occasional booty call and someone to go out with once in a while seems like enough.
(Quick synopsis of the last year and a half: started dating a new guy, 3 months in he loses his job due to tariffs and is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2 weeks later. I know he has enough money to live on but not enough to pay rent AND doctors bills so move him into my home, expecting he'll probably be dead in 6 months. 20 months later he's still kicking (although his cancer has spread) and the reality of living with someone who turns out to have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is difficult - not so much for me personally - he's good to me - but he cannot get along with my younger son. I would have asked BF to move out long ago but he's got nowhere else to go. Once this is over - either miraculous cure - unlikely - or eventual death, I don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend live with me again.)
I'm glad you've gotten the satisfaction of an apology and the knowledge that it wasn't really about you.
This was the trigger... this made her recall that he also molested her when they were kids. So it set off all sorts of trauma that she was not equipped to deal with but had been going to therapy over the past 2 years and dealing with all this along with the miscarriage that we had which she really struggled with.
I have a good friend in my city whose W hit MLC right when my H did. I remember they had the same eyes at the same time. And both of them had a sexual molestation trauma as young teens.
It seems so common on these threads that I am starting to wonder why in tarnation there is no well-funded psych study out there of the impact of child/teen sexual abuse on midlife mental health. I wonder how many of you who are reading this have an MLCer with a sexually-based trauma in his/her past....
Loved reading your post-story story, Cali -- I used to read your stuff in my first go-round here back in the day, before I took a hiatus,then returned,endless cycle. I'm on year seven but my H only gets worse and worse. Irish aside, you seem like a pretty awesome specimen to moi.
I am wondering if you would consider reconciliation. You might have said that already but during quarantine, no activity can go on without a child coming in every second to tell you to replace her unicorn string lights so I have to come and go and come go while doing ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. Once done with the string lights, the S14 (also almost 6 feet) will demand his third dinner of the evening and wonder why there is nothing in the fridge and say, aghast that I can't go grocery shopping right now, "It's not like you have anything you have to do."
Granted, DB boards are not something I HAVE to do.
BACK TO WORK, LAZY GERDA!
Last edited by Gerda; 04/28/2001:32 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Hey Cali! Good to see you again. Just popped in to say hi, I always enjoyed reading your posts in the past and glad to see you still update once in a while. Hope you and son keep doing well, sounds like the GAL with and without him is fantastic!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Look who popped back in! I am so glad you returned and provided an update. You sound very well grounded and your life is moving along. Your son sounds like he's doing well.
Cali, don't be a stranger. Come back again and visit. Take care of yourself and your son. Stay safe.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
hey Cali! HOW is it possible that your son is 13 already!
So interesting about your ex - it's really something how these hidden traumas pop up. Not sure what my ex's was except that he left when our youngest son was the same age that Ex was when his mom left in a MLC. But then he had other problems I've only really been able to see in retrospect.
In my dating post-divorce I've gradually slid towards being more like those Love Avoidant guys I met in the beginning! Not really a Love Avoidant but honestly, I've no interest in actually marrying again and after my experience of the last year and a half, not sure I'll ever live with anyone again. An occasional booty call and someone to go out with once in a while seems like enough.
(Quick synopsis of the last year and a half: started dating a new guy, 3 months in he loses his job due to tariffs and is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 2 weeks later. I know he has enough money to live on but not enough to pay rent AND doctors bills so move him into my home, expecting he'll probably be dead in 6 months. 20 months later he's still kicking (although his cancer has spread) and the reality of living with someone who turns out to have Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is difficult - not so much for me personally - he's good to me - but he cannot get along with my younger son. I would have asked BF to move out long ago but he's got nowhere else to go. Once this is over - either miraculous cure - unlikely - or eventual death, I don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend live with me again.)
I'm glad you've gotten the satisfaction of an apology and the knowledge that it wasn't really about you.
Right??!!?? ... he is like a man. Funny, just last night he told me how exw still calls him love-bug and that she will say "Daddy is going to pick you up soon" I recall reading about how they struggle a bit with time and she still has some of that left over and often comments to me that he is a man all the sudden. In a way I can relate but I also think she missed alot with him while dealing with her sitch.
Yeah dating post divorce is one thing .... dating post MLC and being in the power curve of either MLC or Transitional out there in the pool is worse. I know I went out on a few dates where the person I met was going through a transition and couldn't as for the check fast enough.
For now I am just focusing on myself and what happens happens.
This was the trigger... this made her recall that he also molested her when they were kids. So it set off all sorts of trauma that she was not equipped to deal with but had been going to therapy over the past 2 years and dealing with all this along with the miscarriage that we had which she really struggled with.
I am wondering if you would consider reconciliation. You might have said that already but during quarantine, no activity can go on without a child coming in every second to tell you to replace her unicorn string lights so I have to come and go and come go while doing ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. Once done with the string lights, the S14 (also almost 6 feet) will demand his third dinner of the evening and wonder why there is nothing in the fridge and say, aghast that I can't go grocery shopping right now, "It's not like you have anything you have to do."
Granted, DB boards are not something I HAVE to do.
BACK TO WORK, LAZY GERDA!
I have talked about this a few times over the past 3 months since my last relationship ended with friends who have asked ... "Cali would you take back Exw or ExGf??" As much as I would like to say I have healed and moved on from Exw I have acknowledged that there will always be a part of me who loves her, the one who had not entered into MLC. That said I also know deep down a reconciliation would force me to open up alot of old boxes that I had to seal up and ship off to GoodWill, I just do not feel it would be healthy for me to have to deal with all that stuff again. I am not afraid of entering into a relationship and now know I still have some things/issues to work through but if I had to work through all the old stuff with Exw I know I would lose alot of the work I have done to this point ... in a way I just feel it would be moving to far backward and I just do not want to entertain that kind of work. Her and I are in a good place now, but even before all this happened it was not all that I know I can have in a relationship.
Look who popped back in! I am so glad you returned and provided an update. You sound very well grounded and your life is moving along. Your son sounds like he's doing well.
Cali, don't be a stranger. Come back again and visit. Take care of yourself and your son. Stay safe.
Hey Job .... still here eh??
Yeah I figured with the ecomomy I could make a killing selling SpewJackets. Could not imagine having an MLCr and this virus all at the same time.
Hope you are well !! I will try to pop in and de-rail someones progress as much as I can
Hey Cali - good to see you're alive & kicking. That's a lot to process, whoah. However, there are some rare stories about MLCers coming out on to the other side, I guess you ExW has become one of them. Not easy for her to face you and own up.
Originally Posted by CaliGuy
As much as I would like to say I have healed and moved on from Exw I have acknowledged that there will always be a part of me who loves her, the one who had not entered into MLC.
I've kept a similar feeling - I looked at it that I was thankful and happy to have good memories of my marriage. I've considered that my ExW remembers nothing good - as part of her MLC memory purge - in order to make me the villain of her life. I still care about the woman I knew before she went into the tunnel to die of MLC.
Originally Posted by CaliGuy
That said I also know deep down a reconciliation would force me to open up alot of old boxes that I had to seal up and ship off to GoodWill, I just do not feel it would be healthy for me to have to deal with all that stuff again. I am not afraid of entering into a relationship and now know I still have some things/issues to work through but if I had to work through all the old stuff with Exw I know I would lose alot of the work I have done to this point ... in a way I just feel it would be moving to far backward and I just do not want to entertain that.
Yikes, this 2x4 stings a lot - but I'm glad to read it, nonetheless. I'm afraid this speaks for me too, but I hadn't articulated this as well as you did. Great goodwill metaphor to encapsulate it all.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
