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A Message from Michele
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Re: Working on indifference [Re: Ginger1] #2755908
08/10/17 08:16 AM
08/10/17 08:16 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,714
Colorado
T
Thornton Offline
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Thornton  Offline
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T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,714
Colorado
I'm so sorry, T3.

I know you have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions right now. And the thought of doing all of this on your own is scary.

Here's my take on your sitch...

I think at this point, the only thing that might shake your H is by you filing for D.

Now, don't get your hopes up. This could very well be the end of the marriage.

However, I do feel certain that once you process the pain etc, and you no longer have to worry about tracking H's phone, email accounts, Amazon accounts, who he is with or what time he will be home from work, you will begin to get strong and happy again.

We all have your back, my friend.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2755910
08/10/17 08:29 AM
08/10/17 08:29 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,153
B
BluWave Offline
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BluWave  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,153
T, I am glad you signed the petition. Please don't look back! Your L not being there is not a sign you should not file. The "signs" that you should file for D point to a resounding YES, DO IT, RUN, and DON'T LOOK BACK. He is a serial adulterer, he is financially irresponsible, he does not prioritize a R with his own kids, and he has no insight into himself or the consequences of his choices. Some may call it MLC--I don't care for that term myself--but this is what he is doing. This IS who he is. Do you want to be M to a person like this?

Does the strong, confident T want to be M to a person like this? Pining for who you thought he was is no longer serving you, it hurts you and holds you back. He is a selfish liar and cheater, and he can spend money on OWs but not his own kids? Please stop looking at old photos and holding onto the past (because that only depresses you) and really think about this. And if the answer is yes, you do hope he comes back, then my dear, maybe some IC would help you navigate these thoughts and emotions more clearly?

I am going to go out on a limb and say the unpopular thing here. Apparently that's what I do here. I say this not because I want to hurt you, but because I sincerely mean it. I hope your H moves on and does not try and come back to the M. Ever. He has proven consistently over time that he is not a good H, father, or person in general. I am sorry if that stings--and no I do not know him--but from everything you describe this guy is a giant, gleaming POS. He will do this again. You deserve better in this life. I want you to get to a place where you can see that.

I know right now you are hurting and holding on to what you thought things could be like. I feel your pain and for that I am so, so sorry. Him coming back or showing you remorse will not help you move on. You continuing to focus on him and his every move, will not help you move on. I think it is time to start moving on, not second guessing yourself. Why? Because things are going to get started with this legal and it's going to be hard. It's time to toughen up and protect yourself.

You have got to start thinking in terms of the bigger picture and what is best for you and the boys--financially and in terms of living and custody. My fear is that if you continue to focus on him and if he is coming back then that will derail you from focusing on what your goals are. I don't think the details of when you ask him to move out, or how much he is spending on his OWs, or if he is a BS talker to other soccer moms, wahhh wahhhh whhaaaa, matter as much as how we can get you a good deal here.

How can you stay focused and stay on track so you can get what you want out of this D? Please, please do not let him, his ridiculous actions, or your emotions interrupt this very important process.

Sorry, but I really, really, really don't like this guy ...
Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2755919
08/10/17 09:10 AM
08/10/17 09:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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sandi2 Offline
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sandi2  Offline
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S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Quote:
We are having a small pool party tomorrow at a friends for S6 birthday and I have not told h nor is he invited. Not sure how to handle that when he asks plans if he does.


"We are having a party and you aren't invited".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Working on indifference [Re: BluWave] #2755922
08/10/17 09:18 AM
08/10/17 09:18 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,561
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Ginger1 Offline
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Ginger1  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,561
I echo what Blue said. I am glad someone said it. I hope for your and the boys sake he doesn't come back. He has proven twice over he can't be a good husband and father and I would hate to see him do this to you and your boys for a third time.

And he is not going through a MLC. He hasn't grown up enough to have one. He simply never grew up and is choosing not to handle the responsibility of a wife and 3 children. He is still too selfish and immature to handle real life.

I am sorry to say all of this. When I was in the thick of it, I wanted nothing more than for my ex to come back. We just had a baby and I wouldn't believe he was doing this. My dad is my best friend but gave him zero grace and gives him none to this day. he hates him. And if I did take him back and he did this again? He'd probably beat the living sh!t out of him. IN retrospect, 9 years later, I can see it was actually a blessing he never came back. Not if he is who he is. And 9 years later he still is who he is.

I know this is a divorce busting site. But some people are very toxic. Your H is one of them. To do this twice when you have little kids is inexcusable to me.

You are young, bright, talented, and have loads of support from your parents. You maybe can't see it now, but I see your life being infinitely better without him. Even your boys, sadly enough.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: Ginger1] #2755938
08/10/17 11:09 AM
08/10/17 11:09 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Thanks Thornton - I'm not filing in hopes that he will wake up so it doesn't get my hoes up at all. I hope you're doing well. Thanks for stopping by.

Blu- I understand what you're saying. What you and Ginger say is what everyone in my life says. Nobody wants me to take him back. A lot of people have voiced that they are afraid once I file and we get going through the D process that he will try to come back and they are afraid I will let him back. I would like to think I wouldn't at this point. But I cannot say that with 1000 percent certainty.

Hi ginger -I've answered that question so many times lately in real life. No I do not want him how he is or who he is now. His behavior and treatment is unacceptable. My dad said he treats me as if I've wronged him. He said H acts like I've cheated on him and left him. In his mind I have wronged him. I accused him of cheating and didn't trust him and he had no choice but to leave the marriage. He is not sorry. I don't know if he ever will be. Everyone says he doesn't respect me and doesn't give two shits about me. I think that's all quite obvious to even a blind person.

My dad said he will do this for the rest of his life. He, like me , had really thought H changed because for the last 3 years he was a better man. But my dad says he was good until things got a little difficult. Me being pregnant school working etc and him not getting his butt kissed everyday. Then someone else paid him attention and the rest is history. I don't want to have to worry everyday for the rest of my life if I paid him enough attention or if someone is going to catch his eye. But is he like that because he's a serial cheater or is he like that because I wasn't enough for him? I know you all think I'm dumb but I'm really trying to look at myself. Was I just not good enough?

Sandi - that approach will be what I adapt after he's served. Right now I'm so close I don't want him getting wind of anything or having any reason to get suspicious and start hiding assets or money. I'm so close and I've kept so quiet nice and innocent toward him this whole time. I can't lose site of that.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2755959
08/10/17 03:11 PM
08/10/17 03:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
UK
T
Treasur Offline
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Treasur  Offline
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T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
UK
T, you are being very brave and you are fighting for a normal stable happy life for you and your boys. That is worth fighting for.

None of us chose this. It isn't what we want, but the hurricane has blown in and we need to take shelter. Keep the faith. Worry about why and what next when you get to the next page. Right now, Blu is right. This is not a good quality human being and not your fault.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2755962
08/10/17 03:56 PM
08/10/17 03:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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25yearsmlc  Offline
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Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
T-

we all have bruised egos, so it's okay to secretly hope he will regret these choices.

And if he does - maybe he'll let you know and maybe not.

But once you move forward and surround yourself with authentic people who "get" you, and appreciate and value you, you'll be glad you cut your losses, and glad you have 3 great boys. I wish you could stop letting fear paralyze you and the smallest of gestures on his part as something significant. (The laundry he did is not a recommitment to the marriage or him forsaking OWs).

You won't be alone and overwhelmed for long, and it's not a contest to see if your h "wins" b/c he's constantly got to be with a woman...

I normally would stress the hope to hold onto, but in your case I don't and it's not just based on your h's repeated behavior. It is that you let the hope stall you out, and you risk too much of your heart and financial future. All based on what you believe is his potential...

It makes me sad to hear your worries about embarrassing HIM, by serving him divorce papers at work instead of where? Your home??

Hinging all these fears of HIS reaction to you - what he will say/do/think, honestly,

if you could control any of that^^^ you would not be in this situation.

Let go of that ^^myth. You will get through this ordeal and you will shake your head at some of the fears and thoughts you are giving lots of room to now.

And you will be much happier.


(((( ))))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Working on indifference [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2755965
08/10/17 04:18 PM
08/10/17 04:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
Member
T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Hi treasur and 25 -


Thanks for commenting. I get everything you all say.

25 please don't think I thought of him doing laundry as recounting. I'm not that pathetic or dumb lol ... I was just making observation of how strange he is.

I've had a few mutual friends reach out to me that H has text them telling him he's unhappy and ending the M. He wouldn't go into details once he realized they acted like they didn't know. They all felt he was fishing to see what I had told them and when they acted like they knew nothing he stopped giving details.

And yes I don't know what's wrong with me that at times I feeel sorry for him. That he is so wrong or dysfunctional that he has created this life for himself.

He complains he has no mkney to others and that he wants a simple life yet he has no idea what he's about to embark on. My L redid child support figures with me cutting hours at work in half to just one day a week instead of two so that I can be home with the baby more plus I'll be at school two days a week. H and I originally planned on me not returning to work after the baby to begin with so this isn't far fetched. Anyway it will increase the child support by 400/month and even though I will come out with less because of cutting my hours I'm going to do it and cut expenses where I can. This is time I will never get back and the kids need me most. I won't get caught up between work and school and not having time for them. I'm not going to change my plans because of his decisions.

I can tell you he has no idea what's coming.

Oh and if you want to laugh I saw a picture frame in his front seat that someone got him or he bought himself that says 'best dad ever, best dad in the world' and it had a picture of the boys printed from my FB page.

I can honestly say I cannot wait for him to not be living here anymore. I know I will feel so much better than having him rubbed in my face everyday.

And please know while I have these feelings and ask these questions I am not letting it derail or change what I will go for financially. There is a reason I'm filing for D. I'm not going to lose site of that. I am not going to not ask for things that the boys and I deserve just to not piss H off. I've only been meek to this point but once he's served i don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I'm hoping it will give me a sense of comfort to some extent.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2755969
08/10/17 04:47 PM
08/10/17 04:47 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
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Train  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T,

I am so sorry I was MIA when you were so close. I had a trip to Georgia planned and wasn't sure, until the last minute, if I was going. I did. Which is why I wasn't on here and didn't line up meeting you in Asheville. I was so happy to read that you guys might end up getting a vacation house there. Remember when I mentioned three years ago, before H returned, that I planned to move to the mountains? Yeah! We would be super close! wink

You should be proud of yourself. You're doing so great.

And if you can figure out a way to send me smoke signals with a way I can find you on FB, I can dig to find you. I already know what county you're in. Fist bumps, girl. You're awesome.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: Working on indifference [Re: Train] #2755973
08/10/17 06:23 PM
08/10/17 06:23 PM
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
UK
T
Treasur Offline
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Treasur  Offline
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T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 582
UK
I think it's amazing T that you can observe the weird without mind reading and know that you have confused feelings about him...and STILL do what you need to do.

Courage isn't not having fear, it's doing it anyway.

I read somewhere else to remember YOU ARE WORTH PROTECTING.

It is a tough truth but, right now, your H is not doing anything I suspect that is about protecting you or his sons from the impact of his actions. That would be the behaviour of a decent adult, to say I want x and I know you wish I didn't, but I do and here is my plan for how I still get x without it damaging all of you more than it has to.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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