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A Message from Michele
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Re: Working on indifference [Re: Train] #2754371
08/01/17 01:49 AM
08/01/17 01:49 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
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Train  Offline
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T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
(I'm at the base of the mountains, essentially.)


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: Working on indifference [Re: Train] #2754388
08/01/17 02:40 AM
08/01/17 02:40 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Haha Sandi - my ONLY concern with that is I need the house payment made and I don't need to piss him off anymore. That's the only reason why I even indulge his texts. Also I don't want him to use anything against me legally. That was why I said I was thinking of having him message the kids with their iPad or split a phone so communication doesn't have to be done through me.

Train - Asheville is about an hour and a half from me too ... maybe if I extend my trip we could try and meet if that drive isn't too far for you. I may leave tomorrow because I'm supposed to go back to work Thursday (my first day back) but I'm contemplating calling out and staying through the weekend. It's up in the air right now.

Cadence- yes she is quite classless but aren't most affair partners to begin with? I get what you're saying about the texts. He did the same thing last time. And as things progressed when we weren't living together he used to blow up if I didn't respond. I will get to that point. Once he's served it will all change. I will follow my L advice as far as interaction and necessary responses for the kids that won't hurt me from a legal standpoint. I know all the texts are BS because he didn't ask about the baby. It's just him trying to look good and rain on our parade. He also text the boys on their iPad to send him a picture of their new fishing rod they bought. They sent him it and he never responded so F him. And now that he text them on there then that seems like a good way for them to communicate. I may just if he texts me have the boys respond via their iPad and then I don't have to respond. I can take screen shots of them responding so that it shows I am keeping them in communication and he doesn't need to go through me.

I also have decided to be done with MIL ... I let her know about the spending the night with another woman, she saw the pictures posted and she won't say anything to H like she did last BD so I cannot have a relationship with someone that doesn't want respect for the kids and I. It's fine if it's not her battle... but I just can't meet her needs of getting pictures of the kids etc when she sees what he's doing.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2754392
08/01/17 02:50 AM
08/01/17 02:50 AM
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 264
T
Tobias Offline
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Tobias  Offline
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T
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 264
Your H's reactions remind me of Ryan from teen mom ;-) Very immature. I think I am with Sandi in saying "leave me alone". But I appreciate that you are looking out for yourself.

I hope you and Train have a wonderful time in Asheville. My W went once and has been wanting us to go visit. It sounds like a wonderful place.

Above all: I am THRILLED about your dad having your back. So often us men don't show emotions. Yes it [censored] to see him cry but know that reinforces that YOU deserve so much better.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: Tobias] #2754397
08/01/17 03:24 AM
08/01/17 03:24 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,153
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BluWave Offline
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Posts: 1,153
Hi T! I am so proud of you--10 hour road trip with 3 kids and an infant? You are a total boss woman! Trips and mini vacays with/without friends/family are great for DBing! It reminds you that you can still enjoy life and other Rs (kids, family, friends) during an otherwise very difficult time. You will be so glad you did this later--it's perfect GAL.

Sounds like you are making some positive steps towards detaching. Keep up the good work! I think Cadence brings up some valuable points on how people can use communication about the kids as a way to communicate about other things or even to control or manipulate the other person. I will be the first to admit that I was GUILTY of doing this. I was so hurt and infuriated with H, that I used any chance I had to remind him that he was a selfish POS. Because we have 3 kids, we had to communicate often. Not my finer moments. Plus, he already knew what he was doing and carried that guilt. I am not sure I added to his guilt as much as I did give him "justifications" that I was worth leaving. The times he questioned himself the most were the times that I was distant/disinterested/cordial and that he saw me naturally moving on with my life.

In moving forward, I would say keep up the good work! When is doubt less is always more! Ignore as much as you can without playing games and ignoring him only to punish him--they see through that. Only respond to questions about kids/finances and in simple answers. If you don't know if you should text/say/do it, then DON'T. I wouldn't worry about what other people say to him, that is their R and you can't control them. Naturally he will lose support in time.

Keep up the good work!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Re: Working on indifference [Re: BluWave] #2754416
08/01/17 04:15 AM
08/01/17 04:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Thanks Tobias- I love the teen mom reference by the way smile my dad is great- he's a little
Biased obviously which is why he believes I deserve so much more. He told me and continues to harp that he is happy H is showing his true colors while I'm young. He feels betrayed too because he truly believed H changed. He even wrote H a card that said he would never wish for me to go through what I went through last BD again but that it made him a better husband and father.

Hi Blu- thanks for stopping by. Last time I did that a lot in the beginning as an excuse to project onto H. It's quite weird I don't feel the desire to talk to him. Maybe it will change once the D is started and what not but I have no desire of any of that.

That's where I struggle. Is me not wanting to respond to punish him or because I genuinely don't think it deserves a response and he's fishing.

I'm mind reading here but I think he wants the best of both worlds. He thinks we will just be great friends and co parent etc. the thing is --- he didn't do this respectfully. It's not like it was a mutual decision that came from years of arguing. My friend said she told him the night they met that it's not like you guys had been having problems. She said we spent time with you all and T would have told me if you guys were having problems. She said everything was okay and then BAM you decide you're done because you get caught giving someone flowers. She said IF you would have told her about it I GUARANTEE she wouldn't have cared. She said it's because you made it shady that it looked shady because of how you made it look and instead of reassuring her you just became more of an AS$.

And also we're going to be perfect little co parents when you're letting ONE of your OW post pictures of you all together. He's so delusional that he doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with it. He told my friend she's just a coworker. What now I can't have one female friend because I'm accused of sleeping with everyone. He said T will probably acuse me of trying to get with you too. She said you should be focusing on your family and not going out with coworkers. She said you NEVER do that you never go out without your W and now all the sudden you're mr life of the party.

At least she saw through his lies and said I look at him and I don't even know him anymore.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2754465
08/01/17 06:28 AM
08/01/17 06:28 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
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cadence Offline
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Posts: 275
Quote:
'm mind reading here but I think he wants the best of both worlds. He thinks we will just be great friends and co parent etc. the thing is --- he didn't do this respectfully.


I totally agree with you. When he made the decision to leave he thought the two of you would remain friends with family events and up each other's rears all the time, and he could keep tabs on you that way.

(My H wanted to end our relationship with me still living with him and paying all the bills until our house sold. Yeah, no.)

You get a say, too. Kids don't suffer if parents are distant but cordial, they suffer if there is constant conflict. Trying to fake it won't work, because there will be constant conflict.

It's okay to have a more distant and businesslike parenting relationship. If it keeps conflict away, then that is what is best for you and the kids.

Quote:
And also we're going to be perfect little co parents


You don't even have to co-parent. You can parallel parent - go by the parenting agreement and no more.

You get a choice too, and the parent who wants the least interaction is the one who gets to make that call.

Quote:
What now I can't have one female friend because I'm accused of sleeping with everyone. He said T will probably acuse me of trying to get with you too.


Oh, goodness, yes. He's just so desirable, who wouldn't want to leap into bed with him? I mean, look how desirable he is posing with a woman who wears such a classless t-shirt. That sure does make women find him irresistible! (Rolling my eyes so hard over here.)

Re: Working on indifference [Re: cadence] #2754467
08/01/17 06:34 AM
08/01/17 06:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,828
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OwnIt Offline
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T, you may be good co-parents and perhaps even friends at some point in the future, but his actions have prevented that from happening right now. He needs to respect your boundaries and give you the space to figure out what you are doing with your life. He needs to put his focus on his kids and relationship with them, because that should be a constant regardless of everything else swirling in the background. You are doing a great job.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: OwnIt] #2754518
08/01/17 11:18 AM
08/01/17 11:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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CA- now East coast
yes you are doing a great job in a crap situation.

yes your h wants to have cake and eat it too, with frosting as well.

My h wanted to "commute" to/from Alaska with me in central CA (in a new place we moved to a year earlier, for HIS LAST job);

where I knew 2 people...and as goofy as that was, i still had not fully grasped the meaning of his ACTIONS...

b/c of his words and b/c he can really do some cognitive dissonance well and b/c I was blind.

Then I got sick/hospitalized while back east for a wedding, and he could barely be talked into retrieving me for the flight back west. I was too messed up to realize how bad he was or how bad things must have been, but I had a growing sick feeling.

My family was privately appalled.

Then we returned to CA and he left for Alaska - leaving me alone 5 days later. I was in a daze. H was in a hurry. I could not drive or bathe or swim, unsupervised. I was forgetful and confused and physically clumsy. In hindsight, I felt humiliated but at the time was too screwed up to really "get it".

And h wasn't very nice for the most part, he was really weirdly ugly our last week together and that growing sick feeling was almost brimming over me.

I did ask him at one point in that brief few days, why he was "MAD AT ME??" Then he briefly apologized with a hug, and like the chump I was, I lapped it up as if he had explained himself well. "Oh good, he's not mad now." (what??!!??)


I filed for D 3 days after he left, when I realized for sure he'd cut me off our joint accounts, and my family back east was howling. I had $700 to my name, and a credit card in my name only. Nice.

No my kids do not see their dad in the same light.

YES that is sad, but it is recoverable. It'd be far FAR worse for them to see me in that relationship dynamic again.

They were each openly "proud" of me when I filed, which was bittersweet to hear.

At least now I have the chance to model recovery and a fulfilling life without him, which I would not have been able to do if I had not filed. At least now I'm living an authentic life.


It was mortifying to me to be treated this way so "publicly", and it was shocking and yet, I awoke (even though I was still in an impaired fog).

His indifference was incredibly clarifying.


Yes T3, your h wants the best of both worlds. Or the best of 5 worlds or 258 (??) worlds ...

Whereas you want your own reality based world. Stick with that.


((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Working on indifference [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2754527
08/01/17 02:23 PM
08/01/17 02:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Thanks Cadence and Own smile

I think H is getting the reality today of how things will be because he i Didn't hear from him as much. Got one text where he asked if S9 was participating in a soccer tournament in 2 weekends and I didn't reply because it wasn't necessary. Then got a text asking how the kids were. Where we were didn't have great service so I waited T hours and said 'doing great'. Put my phone on do not disturb around 8 and got 3 back to back missed calls at 9 and then he was texting the boys asking if they were up. He then text me at 10 and I had them call.

25 your posts about your H and what happened are pretty insightful to me. It has pushed me to look at my own situation that was 'good' to me. I think I was a lot like you. Thinking things were 'okay'. I mean he acted good and happy but there were days he was super affectionate and talkative then days where he was distant. I attributed it to just how he was. We always said things are good when they're good for H and when they aren't good for H the days aren't good for anyone. My family still stands by the fact that someone paid him attention at work. And made him feel good and i was at home being the pregnant wife that wasn't meeting his emotional needs. Then as time progressed he took the easy option and the option where he didn't have to do the work.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2754528
08/01/17 02:51 PM
08/01/17 02:51 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Posts: 3,500
Too soon to look backwards, T. You don't have any perspective yet. Get through this first and then look backwards.

When I called the DB coach he told me that I had neglected my H and that was why he cheated. I'm super curious who was supposed to be taking care of me? I was in a serious depression and highly isolated at the time when I was supposedly neglecting him. But I think he has to show up in order for me to neglect him, and I assure you, he was physically NOT THERE. Anybody who can tell you what was going on in your marriage is just reading tea leaves. They have a tiny little view into a tiny fraction of the thousands of moments and feelings that make up a marriage. You'll sort all this out when the time comes, but now is not that time.

Don't worry about what H is doing. Good for you for taking space, etc. Keep clearing your head and don't look backwards yet. There'll be time for that when the dust settles.

(((((T)))))


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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