A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL MAY OFFER -- SAVE $40
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $350
CALL 303-444-7004 and mention this offer
or use code: SAVE_$40 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Re: Working on indifference [Re: Treasur] #2754314
07/31/17 03:31 PM
07/31/17 03:31 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
Member
Maybell  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Perfectly done, to a T!!!

So nice to hear you sounding stronger. Keep having fun!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Working on indifference [Re: Maybell] #2754316
07/31/17 03:39 PM
07/31/17 03:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
L
leahsue Offline
Member
leahsue  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
Alabama
Agree with everyone. Not sure if you've read any...yet, but if so, you'll know what I mean when I say you've hurtling like NASCAR toward

"MEH"!

Great job!

Last edited by Cristy; 08/01/17 08:25 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc

M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Re: Working on indifference [Re: leahsue] #2754319
07/31/17 04:03 PM
07/31/17 04:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
Member
T384  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
Thanks all smile

Yes I spent a lot of time reading ...when I took that short like one or two day break from here. She's partly what pushed me to pick up and go. I stayed up all night Thursday into Friday morning after getting home from universal reading tons of things from her.

I read one lady's story that I swear could have been written by me. It was crazy like the same words her H said to her as mine has to me.

So my dad had his break down tonight ... I felt terrible. He had sent me a really long nice text just about everything and how proud he is of me and that it looks him what a shitty hand I've been dealt twice and that he struggles every day with not doing something that he can't even talk about. I called him and he was crying. I felt so bad. He didn't want to talk on the phone so I just sent him a text and we talked a bit but I feel so bad of all the stress and worry he has. He has been so good to me. He said he is so sick of seeing H come here every night and try to have casual talk. My dad said he hasn't spoken to H since we've been gone besides responding to yes/no questions. H asked him to go get pizza last night my dad declined. I just feel bad, I know everything will be okay. I wish this wasn't happening I hate how many people are being hurt while H is living the life of Riley. My sons soccer coach called me tonight asking me if I was okay because he saw the picture of H with OW on FB. I am so lucky to have the support of some really good people. Yes H has support to but they aren't anyone that I will be sad to lose as friends. As a matter of fact nobody that I'm really friends with supports H

Hey Train ... is Asheville pretty far from you?

Last edited by Cristy; 08/01/17 08:26 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Working on indifference [Re: leahsue] #2754320
07/31/17 04:07 PM
07/31/17 04:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
"it would be nice to see them"...

Really??

Wow, Would it be nice to spend time with them, or take a photo, or just see a video?

How about a text message now & then, to help raise your sons? Babies love texts.


But you know, whatever's easiest..


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Working on indifference [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2754321
07/31/17 04:10 PM
07/31/17 04:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
Member
25yearsmlc  Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
glad you are reading ..., b/c it has helped me gain perspective a lot.

Sometimes, regrettably, I wish I had seen it before. But yeah, no time for that now.

I'm in a hurry to be on the other side of this.

Here's to achieving Meh


Last edited by Cristy; 08/01/17 08:30 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Working on indifference [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2754332
07/31/17 09:40 PM
07/31/17 09:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
Member
Maybell  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
T, why don't you update your tag line?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Working on indifference [Re: Maybell] #2754348
08/01/17 12:28 AM
08/01/17 12:28 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
C
cadence Offline
Member
cadence  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
Great job, T. You sound strong and like you've developed boundaries that you believe in. I'm so happy to see that!

Regarding OW's klassy t-shirt: Well, we knew she wouldn't be of exceptional character if she was messing around with a married father of three, one of whom was a newborn. And to put a picture of them together before word is even out about your separation? Wow. I wonder if that's supposed to pee on her territory or nudge H along to separate from you by putting pressure on him? Either way, it's so wonderful to see such true love demonstrated on social media. /s

H needs to affair down to get his ego fed, and boy is he ever. I know it hurts, but I hope seeing that helped confirm that H is not doing this because OW has something over you. This is, and always was, about H looking outside of himself for something he should be finding inside of himself. It's not you.

Your friend's actions were fantastic, I think. I love that she caught H off guard. What that represented is not shielding H from the consequences of his actions, and that's a good thing. Having it pointed out to him that outsiders find his actions abhorrent is a good thing.

I don't think you need to broadcast what happened, but I also don't think you need to protect him. If folks ask you questions, you can say a vague "Well, the attitude shift started when I was 8 months pregnant. I gave birth not knowing if he planned on sticking around. It was a difficult time for me." I wouldn't tell people you barely know, but for those whom you have a relationship, the above is all you'd need to say. Those sentences plus the picture are enough for them to fill in the blanks about what happened here, and it gives them an accurate timeline so any H blabber about "she went to NC without telling me so I'm done now" looks like the BS that it is.

And for texts, I'm happy you're not really responding. I experienced a great deal of "communication masquerading as needed parenting conversations" with H, who had a clingy, controlling, over-communicative ex-wife. I had to help him sort out what merited a response, and I think I can similarly help you.

The person who wants to use parenting as a way to cling onto a feeling of control of an ex can make any message sound like it's "about the kids." But if you analyze it, it's often them expecting a perk of the past relationship to continue, or it's about their feelings, anxieties, and curiosities. Those things are about the parent, not the kids.

H asking for pictures, or what the kids are doing are not required parenting topics. Those are him trying to act like you are still H and W parenting these kids together. Once you split, your vacation with the kids is YOUR vacation with the kids. You are an equal parent to H, and what you choose to do and not do with the kids is trustworthy.

I've honestly found only two of his messages worthy of a response. First, he asked if you guys made it okay. This is tenuous, because it could be assumed you'd contact him if that weren't the case. But still, "Yes, kids did great. We're here safely." is all that is needed.

The other thing that I think was actually about parenting is him asking to talk to the kids. Good for you for turning that over to the kids. It's not your job to be an intermediary in his relationship with them, (though you may need to assist with things like your youngest holding the phone when he's somewhat capable.)

Everything else has been about H and his feelings, and that's not parenting communication. He's curious - so what? He shouldn't have left or he'd be on the trip with you and wouldn't be curious. Or he'd take the kids on their own trip. Honestly, you do not have to tell him what you're doing with the kids. It is your time with them, and after a M ends, such inquiry is intrusive and unnecessary. You could just ignore those, or send a "kids will share with you next time you see them" to set a boundary.

Asking for a picture is similarly a perk he used to enjoy as your H. His inquiry is intrusive, and if he wanted to feel involved, he should not have left the marriage. Not having moments like those is one of the downsides of D.

It's up to you what you want to do. Maybe you want to send pics because you'd want him to do the same, for example. But it can be difficult to sort out what is about parenting and what is an intrusive remnant of a relationship that has ended when you're still spinning from the relationship ending.

Honestly, anything can be creatively made to appear to be about the kids. "I forgot to buy macaroni at the store for kid. I can't believe you didn't remind me!" is one. "It's your fault that kid2 picked his nose at the assembly. You were such a bad father" is another. "Word got out to the neighbors that kid3 broke that fence. I'm so mortified and I have a lot of feelings about it." and "You can't bring your new BF to come pick up the kids." are others. All of these look like they're parenting because the mention kids, but all of them are about the feelings of the person typing them, or an attempt to keep up arguments that are a remnant of the M that has since ended.

Do you see the difference? The above are all unnecessary communication that have been "made about the kids" through a little effort. If it's not directly about: physical or emotional health, schooling, extracurriculars, finances, or discussions about vacations/parenting time requests, then it's not about the kids and you are free to totally ignore it.

I hope that helps. I see that you've grasped onto some freedom that you aren't beholden to H and what he wants from you in texting, but I think there's still more freedom there if you want it. It can be a confusing time and so I hope I helped you see that the majority of the stuff H is texting is about him and his wants and needs, and those are now irrelevant to you.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: cadence] #2754350
08/01/17 12:37 AM
08/01/17 12:37 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
C
cadence Offline
Member
cadence  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
Oh, and, as for your dad, I'm so sorry. It's one thing to have H have an impact on you, it's another to watch the people who love you hurt, too.

I wrote an email to break the news to my dad and his GF. My dad had been so thrilled that I'd found a good man to love me and take care of me. When he found out, he was on the highway driving (GF had called him and told him about the email). He told me he had to pull off the highway because he was sobbing so hard.

I've never seen my dad cry. That really helped me understand that other people saw how much I didn't deserve H's choices. I was still in survival mode at that time, so it also helped me understand how much I had to mourn.

This is a loss for your dad, too. He thought he had someone reliable to take care of his beloved daughter, and instead that person hurt you and is leaving you in a bad situation. He probably also hurts for the broken home his grandsons will have now. H has broken your dad's trust in him as well.

H has done many things that hurt a lot of people and it's time for him to face the music. You're not shielding him from the wreckage he's caused to multiple people.

Re: Working on indifference [Re: T384] #2754356
08/01/17 01:02 AM
08/01/17 01:02 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
What would be wrong with telling him, "Leave me alone".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Working on indifference [Re: sandi2] #2754369
08/01/17 01:47 AM
08/01/17 01:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Train Offline
Member
Train  Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Bahahaha. Sandi, you're my kind of gal.

T, Asheville is only about 1.5 hours from me.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004