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Joined: Jul 2017
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SwHubby Offline OP
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Hi everyone, it is time for an update.

I tried to do it before and started writing but never got to the finish line and posted it. But I come here from time to time to check up on the forum and reading some threads.

I had a hard time this fall and fell back in my recovery for a couple of weeks due to stress, but got back up again. My main focus has been my daughter and I feel that we have come closer to each other more and more since BD. Which feels great. smile

I still suffer from illness but I am working more conciously to control it instead of the other way around. Recently I contacted a coach to get help with mental thinking, food and excercise. That has been helpful. I realize that I have been beating myself down so much since I got ill a few years ago and work slowly to raising my standards for myself.

My wife and I attended mediation and started communicating again. It is tough since we still have quite different agendas but at least we have been able to start co-parenting a little bit. W still thinks that it would be best for D to live full time with her, but I get more and more time with her. Especially since she is asking W for it. She started sleeping over at my apartment before Christmas and will do so every other weekend to begin with, but I am working on extending it and I am hopeful. I had a hard time deciding if I should go to court or not but in the end decided to go for diplomacy. For now. And it is paying off, but it is slow way.

Right now W and D are on vacation with W:s family for a couple of weeks but will come home again this weekend. I really miss them and look forward to meet them. A couple of days ago I noticed a post W did on social media about how tough this year had been and how happy and proud she was of herself etc. It really got to me, but not as much as it would have done a few months ago. I guess I am slowly getting detached but I am not there yet.

GALing is not going great, but it is not terrible either. I have a hard time connecting with ppl. My closest friends live on the other side of the country and my family as well. Moved to this town to live close to W:s family.

I excercise a lot (almost daily), eating healthy and getting enough sleep. And spend time with D. Other than that, it is mostly work and spending time at home.

Best regards,
SwHubby


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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SwHubby Offline OP
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Posts: 71
Big day today, D is coming home with W from a 2,5 week vacation abroad! Just got a text from W from the airport saying that they are in the country again. We will get in touch later to see if there will be time and space for me to come visiting today, maybe go out in the snow and play with D for an hour or two. We have not scheduled for her to come to me until Tuesday.

Made an update above, but also want to journal a little bit about my improvements and goals for the next 6 months. It is the first time I write them down so they could be adjusted going forward but I gotta start somewhere. ;-)

- Firstly, adjust my language. Stop using the words: ”try”, ”maybe”, ”perhaps” in regards to me setting and reaching goals and change my thinking and behaviour. I do it automatically. I am just setting me up for failure using those words, making it ok for me to not reach my goals. It is not hard to try excercising 4 times/week.... Just had to edit this post before posting, therefore it went up as the new no1 goal. :-)

- Adjust my thinking about the divorce, which will be finalized now when W is back home again. It is not the end of my life, but rather an opportunity to change from a person I did not like and a relationship dynamic that set us up for failure (which I contributed a lot to building). I get time, which I did not understand previously when I read about it here. Changes cannot simply be made in a month or two... If I want a great relation with W that gives us joy and energy (no matter how that will look like: lovers, friends, co-parents) and have great life with or without W, I have to make that happen by evolving. It took us a couple of years to tear our relationship down piece by piece so building something will take a lot of time as well. Especially now when trust on both sides are damaged.

- At least once a week think about what I am thankful for. For months I ”knew” that my life was over and that it would be grey for now on. However, of course that is not the case.

- Change the dynamic in my relation with W. Go from negative, tense and uncertain to bring positive vibrations into it. Be proactive about D4 and her life and plan for brief check-ups every now and then build cooperation rather than us being 2 parents on our own exchanging D between us. Talk about our D4 regularly, and let W have her life on her own. I will not trip on egg shells when I see W anymore. I want to bring a happy me with no spoken or unspoken demands on her. I will not discuss how I feel in detail (easy to do when she has asked me how I feel in the past) other than ”fine”. Go from an act to really mean it.

- keep excercising 4 times/week. Hitting the gym and going for runs. Will participate in a half-marathon (my first) with my brothers in May. The goal: just getting across the finish line and complete it.

- Make more room in my apartment for my D and make it more personal for both of us. I found it hard to decorate it for D specifically (and for me as well). It is quite minimalistic (white, grey, not packed with furnitures, just a few pics of me and D on the walls) but started to work on it with new lamps, rug, kid corner in the living room after the holidays. Also looking into upgrading from 2 rooms to 3 in the end of the year or the beginning of next to give D a room of her own.

- Keep increasing the time I spend with D and especially increase the time she is living with me (including sleeping here). I am still going for every other week as an end goal and will keep on trying the diplomatic way with W since it seems to work when I do it gradually over time. i still senaste that W is scared about D not living with her full time but I can also sense it changing for her gradually over time. W is talking herself about increasing which is a good sign.

- meet new ppl to make friends. Find a way to naturally meet interresting ppl and befriend them. This may be the hardest goal for me since I am keeping to myself and has cirkel of friends, family and aquintances elsewher in the country. And it has been a long time since I met and befriended new ppl. Always keeping the distance.

- Value my own word and do what I say. I have not done it for a long time, especially for myself.


Does anyone have a suggestion for where I can meet new ppl? I was thinking about finding some sort of class, maybe cooking or language. My cooking skills could really need some improvement, :-)

But first, it is time to go out for an icy run. :-)


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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SW,

I used meetup. I have the app on my phone. I met some really amazing people. I went to some really cool events as well.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 505
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I second meetup. It's a great resource, and you'll find lots to do on it.


Just keep swimming
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Those are some great goals.

I have a tiny observation, make your goals in the active present voice as if you have already achieved it.

So I am enjoying exercising 4 times a week and becoming stronger.

I have a joyous relaxed attitude when I play with my D.

Today I am grateful for.............

Also drop the definitive, I will, must etc

Instead choose to do a goal. Choosing removes internal resistance, ordering yourself to do something brings out the won't shan't in all of us.

So I choosing to meet lots of interesting people and naturally new and deeper friendships are developing based on shared interests. This is coming easily to me.

My thoughts

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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SwHubby Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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