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#2749553 07/04/17 02:07 PM
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Today I celebrate Independence. It's an Independence that was thrust upon me, not chosen by me. But I have come to cherish my Independence. I cherish the ability to make financial decisions without having to negotiate them with my ex. I cherish the notion that I am free to chart my own course. I cherish the notion that I could, if I wanted to, choose to live a simpler life, or work longer to live a more affluent life, and the decision is mine alone. I am free to spend my time with the friends I value, without having to worry about my ex's opinion of them. I am free to choose my own travel destinations.

This freedom came at a steep price, and I wouldn't have chosen it; but now that I have it, I value it more each day.

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Originally Posted By: kml
Today I celebrate Independence. It's an Independence that was thrust upon me, not chosen by me. But I have come to cherish my Independence. I cherish the ability to make financial decisions without having to negotiate them with my ex. I cherish the notion that I am free to chart my own course. I cherish the notion that I could, if I wanted to, choose to live a simpler life, or work longer to live a more affluent life, and the decision is mine alone. I am free to spend my time with the friends I value, without having to worry about my ex's opinion of them. I am free to choose my own travel destinations.

This freedom came at a steep price, and I wouldn't have chosen it; but now that I have it, I value it more each day.


THIS^^^


Today I too, choose freedom. Or least I choose to embrace it. I lacked this freedom for most of my adult life, b/c I was partnered with my h. But just as our first child was not planned, & was "forced" upon me, I will make the most of it. I fell in love with our son and I will fall in love with my new lifestyle too.

Something tells me this will be like childbirth, -in that - I will have trouble giving birth to this new stage of life, this wild overturn of the planned life,

and it's intensely painful, and so very hard, so relentlessly demanding, so frightening, so exciting, and deeply, beautiful & rewarding.

Doing it alone adds to the fear and challenge of it. Definitely not all bad.

I want to embrace this. I"m close. My friend is facing a harder challenge than I am - She lost her son. But she says this:

Like a certain shark, we have to keep moving or we won't be able to breathe.

And really, what choice is there for us?




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25, I absolutely love this analogy of change being like child birth!

My brother lost his son as well, and I do not believe anything compares. I look at their pain, and tell myself I can get through anything as long as it's never that.

I have heard people compare the loss of their cheating, lying, manipulating, spouse to the loss of a child. And I don't believe it's true at all. I think when our spouses leave us, it's tough because our egos are involved. I will take the bruised ego.

But For many of us, losing our spouses ends up being similar to losing a tumor we have become attached to. But yes. It's a painful process.

Happy Independence Kml. This was a nice post to read.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Quote:
For many of us, losing our spouses ends up being similar to losing a tumor we have become attached to.


LOLOLOL!!!!!!

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Originally Posted By: JujuB
25, I absolutely love this analogy of change being like child birth!

My brother lost his son as well, and I do not believe anything compares. I look at their pain, and tell myself I can get through anything as long as it's never that.


Agreed. I'm so terrified of that loss that I can barely name it, let alone "go there".

I have heard people compare the loss of their cheating, lying, manipulating, spouse to the loss of a child. And I don't believe it's true at all. I think when our spouses leave us, it's tough because our egos are involved. I will take the bruised ego.


First, YES you are correct about the loss of child being too much.
I mean, do I have to say that in a new way? God, let's hope not.

So rather than delving into how horrible it would be to lose one of our kids, let's just agree that it's the worst. And move on to what we are dealing with.

Second, Yes our egos are among the biggest factors in this.

Obviously - changes to our daily lives, can make it feel as if our worlds are turned upside down (and for awhile, they are).

It'll seem as if our futures as planned are gone, our present lives are radically altered, and our past memories which used to give us joy, are now tainted by the painful knowledge of what came next...(or doubts creep in about our past, "what was really happening then??"...)

Everything from where to live and go, what we DO for our lives, with whom, to the mundane, who will fix the broken thing, pay that bill, walk the dog, cook tonight, go with me, ask me how my day was, care about my idiot boss, join me in the project, what are we watching on netflix tonight?

To the more serious - Who will help me care for my ailing parent, or see our child through their latest tribulation? Will our children be more likely to divorce their spouses? Will they have issues in their relationships related to this divorce?? And their kids??

The ramifications of a divorce can look endless...


THEN I stop myself and ask, how much of this^^^ was knowable anyhow? How much was guaranteed to be problem free, or predictable? Our spouses could have left another time, or we could have, or a crisis takes one away.

Point being, our partners could stay with us and then die...and if they had died,
what then?

Would we really lay down in a fetal position for long, and say "it's all over for me",?


Not likely.

This ^^ is where our egos come into play. This is where I think we have to eventually, go.

Healing and moving forward are really hard. But for me, it's the letting go of the "I'm rejected" piece that is tripping me up. My ego has taken multiple hits the past year (the health issues were not helpful) and that is something I'm not sure how to approach.

In MY HEAD, I have decent self talk. But there's something not quite clicking for me in my heart yet. The urge to date has appeal but I already know it's at least in part, a bandaid for what I just confessed. Ego.



But For many of us, losing our spouses ends up being similar to losing a tumor we have become attached to. But yes. It's a painful process.

Happy Independence Kml. This was a nice post to read.

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline OP
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Quote:
In MY HEAD, I have decent self talk. But there's something not quite clicking for me in my heart yet. The urge to date has appeal but I already know it's at least in part, a bandaid for what I just confessed. Ego.


Nothing wrong with getting a little ego boost from an attractive man. Especially if you've spent years with a man who devalued you, it's heartwarming to encounter men who think you're great the way you are.

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kml Offline OP
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And for those of you out there thinking that your age or imperfections are an impediment to dating:
I'm 61. 5'6" and at least 40 lbs overweight at the moment (although I am fortunate that it all seems to go to boobs and butt.) I'm seriously trying to take off the weight and not exactly happy with my figure at the moment.

But none of this -my age, my weight - stopped the cute young Hispanic attendant at the self serve car wash from hitting on me while I was vacuuming my car. (I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm probably older than his mom).

So for those women out there thinking they're washed up at 40 or 50 or 60 - don't believe it!

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There is nothing more magnetic and charismatic than someone who totally owns their **** and is comfortable in their skin.

Your past doesn't matter in a sense, and what you look like doesn't either. It's how you are, in yourself, in this present moment, that people feel and are drawn to.

Work in progress...


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017

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