Last edited by Cadet; 06/28/1707:03 AM. Reason: Link
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so last post I wrote was about how to get inlaws to help with d19's college since h has said he won't pay tuition and it's due in 9 weeks. H's income makes it impossible for her to get need based aid, even though she has good grades.
He blames me for this (to d19) b/c of the spousal support HE WON'T PAY and has never paid.
Since I know he's bad mouthed me way more and for way longer than I ever realized, I shy away from reaching out. H has outright lied numerous times to many people. I'm positive he has lied to people differently and forgotten who he told what to, so that the lies are exposed. Moron.
I guess the inlaws could hurt me or reject me or whatever, if I ask them to help d19. I admit I feel replaced. ugh And maybe they'll assume I'm doing this for ME, which is not true.
And if d19 asks them and they say no, I'll be mortified for her and worried. That would really stink.
D19 is so far, the most traumatized kid in the situation. The others are older and have recall of a dad sometimes present. Not d19.
d19 basically "lost her dad" at age 8, b/c I think he only lived with us all full time, maybe 1-2 years from that time till she graduated from high school.
She has discussed this lack of time at home, with h and they don't see eye to eye.
H is angry at the older kids, b/c they won't validate his OW and his choices though s31 thinks we should divorce.
That makes me sad but I get it.
I cannot imagine what the in-laws believe. I know that MY family sees h as dead to them but it's all based on what they observed personally like his utter absence till after I was out of the hospital and his weirdo behavior
(OW, much??)
Prior thread has the outlines of a letter I MIGHT send them.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think this is my first post to you, but I have followed along and just never knew what to say, but I've silently stood back and supported you from afar. But I want to comment, because I think you letter may come across as complaining to them about their son. So I wanted to give it a go and see if I could come up with something from a different pov.
In-laws,
I realize that the breakdown in my R with your son is going to change my R with you in the future, I still stand in disbelief when I think about the last 18 months and how much has changed.
I am reaching out to you because I am facing having to make a decision that is going to devastate your granddaughter19, and I want to make sure that I do everything I can to keep her from experiencing more loss in her life. She has never been happier than she is being in college, she's made dean list last 2 years and it really excelling.
However, her tuition is no longer being paid for by her father, and I am not able to pay her expenses due to not receiving any spousal support, and even with her grades she isn't able to get a scholarship due to H's income.
I wanted to let you know that she will need to drop out of college if her tuition isn't paid in the next two weeks, and I want to make sure I have done anything/everything I can to try and keep her in college.
You are my children's only grandparents and I hope their relationships with you continues to be the source of good family memories that it has been for them and me.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I like your comments. I DO feel defensive b/c h blames me for the divorce, justifying himself. I know that's common but given the situation, I admit I did not expect at all.
I admit I feel very much like h abandoned me when I needed him the most, after at least a year of deceit and disloyalty. So, I'm reeling. Like - OMG if H could believe his own crap, might they?? I must fear that inlaws believe h.
And I've learned of some weird lies, not just exaggerations or convenient oversights many WAS's make. I mean, things that are literally the opposite of true, (like a choice HE made to buy the big house, which I expressed discomfort with, that he nows says I made - against & over his objections).
But it's as if I think they will believe h at my expense. Blood is thicker and all that.
FIL's wife should know at some level, that h isn't truthful. She has to know, given some past events.
So, Digging deep in my resistance...why am I so loathe to do this?
Okay pride...I want to not need them even for my kid. That's my ego.
And I have fears...which is self absorbed of me, I know. Plus I'm hurt the inlaws have not reached out to me after 35 years of m, I mean, wtf? Okay there is that.
My s31 said "mom, they are not the reaching out types" but still...I mean, it does feel like I don't exist to them. Erased. I made those people laugh for years, I have their only grandkids, we traveled and hung out, and I am amazed that it's like it never happened. Like I died. And that just hurts.
These are their only grandkids. I'm worried they'll say no to D19, or tell h and he'll go nuts, too.
YES I'm telling myself "25, if you say nothing there is almost 0 chance they will help D19, so there's that..."
and if I say nothing, D19 is more likely to have to be in a position to ask- and risk being rejected, so again, it comes back to me.
Other than my ego, the only thing MAYBE that could be risked is something financially in the divorce but that's a theoretical concern, b/c I can't think of one that is real, off the top of my head.
OKAY I'll read your letter again, wait till the weekend is over and mail something.
Thanks,
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Assume they are going to believe Hs lies, but even if they don't, they're still going to pick H over you if they have to choose.. I'm still very close to my inlaws, they are my biggest supporters, but I've backed away because I don't want to make things weirder...
But this isn't about you, your H or your inlaws, this is about your D.. And they can't help if they don't know. It's pretty common for well of g-parents to help with college.
Btw, if I'm not getting to nosey, why can't she take out a loan? When you start getting support you could help her pay it off.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh 25, I have no advice or stunning wisdom.... but just wanted you to know I'm reading along and sending love/light/namaste/all the crap/whatever else is out there for us to grab......
I hope that made you smile. Seriously, you are always so wise in others' posts, that I hesitate to throw my 2 cents in to yours.
2 thoughts- If they don't know the need, chances are very low that they will just offer out of the blue, and
usually asking for help shows so much more courage than not asking.
What would Brene Brown advise you to do? (I may be her biggest fan.)
((((((25)))))))
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Assume they are going to believe Hs lies, but even if they don't, they're still going to pick H over you if they have to choose.. I'm still very close to my inlaws, they are my biggest supporters, but I've backed away because I don't want to make things weirder... I know what you ^^^mean. But this isn't about you, your H or your inlaws, this is about your D.. And they can't help if they don't know. I know this too^^^ and just have to stfu and deal with my ego and fears.
It's pretty common for well of g-parents to help with college. Btw, if I'm not getting to nosey, why can't she take out a loan? When you start getting support you could help her pay it off.
SO FAR she cannot get a loan that would cover her pricey school. She has a scholarship for 1/4 of it, but beyond that must be based on need. I only have h's 2015 tax returns and she's his dependent (or was then) and she won't qualify for loans
I am not yet employed, so co-signing for the loans I applied for were denied without provable income. (If I were actually getting the support ordered, I could co-sign and help pay it off).
I think h will offer "me" money intended to pay her college off and count it as 2 birds with one stone. (Our older kids went to private universities too, which I would not recommend everyone do, but which was affordable and IS, if h were doing right by her.
He's earning 10 times her tuition (or he was before he 'retired", which no one believes).
I'm trying to get past the urge to defend myself, and the urge to blast him for being such a jerk to our kids.
I cannot imagine what he's told them.
I'm getting tidbits of money, and what h sends is usually less than 1/4 of the temporary support he was told to pay, with no discernible rhyme or reason to the amount, and zero communication about when or what is being sent.
RE the court order itself -- IF it were complied with, it would be enough for me to help her.
OR co-sign. I put myself thru school, but I had notice. H dumped this on d19 after Mother's Day (the letter was dated early in April). In his letter, there were Lots of weird self serving comments, bragging about paying for her health insurance, and veteran's benefits our kids get.
Like it cost him or was heroic. He even told her that "being on her own and independent earlier in life will be good for her..." Hard to accept but I think he believes the stuff he says. I mean, I guess. It's deeply troubling.
Can I say this^^^ to my inlaws? Probably not but I sure hate how much they do not know.
Anyhow,
back to the letter, I'm pondering. Thanks for the feedback.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think this is my first post to you, but I have followed along and just never knew what to say, but I've silently stood back and supported you from afar. But I want to comment, because I think you letter may come across as complaining to them about their son. So I wanted to give it a go and see if I could come up with something from a different pov. OKAY People how is this?? remember that h has for a fact, told everyone how very much he is paying me forever, which is -
a) factually untrue since he has never once paid me what the court ordered
and
b) it was temporary support anyhow.
Dear In-laws,
I realize that the breakdown in my R with your son is going to change my R with you in the future, I still stand in disbelief when I think about the last 18 months and how much has changed.
I am reaching out to you b/c of d19. I want to make sure that I do everything I can to keep her from experiencing more loss in her life. She has never been happier than she is being in college, she's made the Dean's list all 4 semesters of these last 2 years and she finally has a support system of smart healthy people around her, that is reassuring to witness.
However, her tuition is no longer being paid by her father, which we learned last month. I am not able to pay her college tuition due to not yet being fully employed & not receiving spousal support.
I don't know what h says or believes, but he's not paying even the temporary support ordered by the court.
And since d19 is listed as his dependent, his income prevents her from getting any need based aid. As you may know, a 1/4 of her college is paid for with her academic achievements, but it's not enough.
She will need to drop out of college if her tuition isn't paid in the next few weeks. It's incredibly hard for me to ask this. But I want to make sure I have done anything/everything I can to try and keep her in college. So I'm putting my pride aside for her sake.
You are my children's only grandparents. FIL, you've been in my life longer than my own dad and d19 knows no other grandfather. FIL's wife, you have been a fixture of loving support and grace for me, & our children.
I hope their relationships with you continue to be the source of good family memories & adventures, that it has been for them and me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hmmm ... this is tough because once you send it you cannot unsend it. While it seems very effective in getting the message/request across, I also am concerned that their perspective could be that you are finger-pointing. Not saying you should care what they think about you, because the only goal is to get them to pay for her school, correct?
So before sending it, are you prepared for 1. them showing H the letter, and/or 2. them reacting to you in a negative way or it harming your R with them? ... Even though it is perfectly clear to me that H's lack of support is the reason she is in this really hard spot, do you think they will see it that way?
Random thought: what if the approach of the letter was less trying to convince them to pay and more of a desperate plea that they encourage H to do the right thing and pay? Or even simply you are approaching them on advice as to how she can stay at the school? That might take out the blame on H and might they perhaps offer to pay on their own if you are desperately searching all avenues?
Sorry if I missed something else, I am not entirely caught up. Those were my initial thoughts when I read it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
25, i like the letter. I am afraid of the reactions that could result from sending it. It has to be your last resort.
Have you talked to your divorce lawyer about this financial situation? Pressure has to be put on your stbx. No matter how angry or victimize he feel, he has obligations toward your children. You cannot decide one day not to be a parent.
