WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

Thanks bttrfly.

I used to wonder if I got lucky and decided to save myM just before it was too late. I started trying before I got bombed. Time will tell on that one.

But I am appreciative of still having my W at home. Until one of us voices it is over, I move forward believing that a turn around is possible. That is different from believing that it will.

I also get to see my W struggle with being unhappy. She is not in a good place. So when it gets to me I think it is probably worse for her. She is a shadow of herself and that is sad.

I would lie if I said that makes it easy, but it does make it easier.

Best wishes

[Zephyr]

hey there brother, i visit to read and keep up, just do not post as time just not allowing me the luxury these days.

I used to wonder if I got lucky and decided to save myM just before it was too late. I started trying before I got bombed. Time will tell on that one.

Probably some truth in that statement. The resentment was already in place though. It just hadn't fully converted to contempt like we see with so many of the other situations (mine included). We cannot take that resentment away or fix it. Wife needs to chose to let whatever it is go on her own. THAT is the her struggle.

You keep paving a path towards loving yourself and in the process, giving an example to her of how it is done to your wife. The reward is that YOU will eventually find that happiness that YOU have always been looking for. If your wife never chooses to find her road, it will be sad, but that is not your burden to carry.

I think that of all the shortfalls in my marriage, lack of intimacy, giving, etc. the biggest disappointment is that despite all of the effort towards trying to please my wife, i have fallen short. That is on me and my expectations. It is a burden that i've carried all these years and part of detaching is teaching that i can lay that one down. It was never my responsibility to begin with. How much of my self-worth was tied up in trying to please her...someone who is never satisfied.

I hope someday she will find peace and lose the misery. But we can't just sit by and wait, that day may never come and the precious years go by so fast now.

I am proud of you for all that you have accomplished these last months and years. Your race sounded amazing (wish i could have seen you finish), you have been getting out and being YOU. There is still much room to grow and you are starting to really blossom.

I don't know what brought me here today, i wanted to say hi and that your effort towards a better you, your patience and your love for your wife and family are a beacon that i have followed for so long. Thank You!!!!

BTW, if you remember my skating team...i posted some pics there on the last FaceBook post

[Gordie]

Roist,

Thanks for sharing your list. Always inspiring and thought provoking. Why did you say your interactions were not so good?

[roist]

Z what a nice surprise to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to write.

I have been thinking about setting up an account to join the fb DB group to see what is happening there and to check if you were there. I will get to that thissummer. I remember your team and had checked out their website.

My pleasure to hear from you was tarnished by interpreting that your M is still as it was. I wished you otherwise. I was heartened however to learn you are still busy and making the most of the rest of your life. I recommend your story to anyone with a live in WAS as a great example of how to really live regardless of this one aspect of our lives. I will get there too. You are dead right about not putting life on hold.

I looked into derby racing here but at the moment it doesn't cater for guys! Guess gender equality works or doesn't work in both senses. Haha.

Anyway best wishes and I appreciate the visit

[roist]

Hi Gordie

Thanks for your appreciation.

I can usually count on having one or several good interactions each day. I encourage and create opportunities for these to occur. But when they don't I don't force them. I give W space and let the poorer interactions just be.

"Good" and "poor" are relative. Positive and negative maybe better terms. Or Eben less negative and negative could apply. But I seek out the positive. It is a choice and truly helps. Last weekend we had a lot on and the limited interactions were low quality. This process is not linear. This happens.

Hope that clarifies it for you

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist,

Thanks. Yes, that makes sense. I like that you are always so darn positive. And yes, I get that this is non linear.

You have s7 and s9 and your situation has been going on for years. How does this affect them and your parenting? My kids that age notice big things like who is sleeping where but not sure how much they understand about the less tactical issues.

Gordie

[roist]

A good question Gordie. One I would need all weekend to answer properly. In essence I would be naive to believe our situation has not affected our parenting and hence the boys. But I believe that affect is limited.

Indirectly we are not giving them roll model I would prefer as to how a couple should be. But when they go to bed, they know/see us together (usually on the couch) if they come down. It is important they see us having adult time together, so that is a positive.

We do coparent together and back each other up in front of the kids. It is more of a tag team effort than working together. But we both love our boys and both work towards what is best for them. Another positive.

But we don't discus issues as fully as I think we should and this surely has a negative effect on how we parent. Room to improve there.

My W has a closer R with boys, partly because she works roughly the same hours they are at school and hence has more time with them. But mostly because she is invested in being a good mother. That is positive.

Our boys are a handful at times. Good but very spirited boys. The youngest is going through a long phase of not wanting to cooperate. It is amazing to see my W use loads of different techniques I read about. I try too. She says it is up to us to find thevspproach that will work. Two positives in that. Firstly she is seeking solutions and secondly it is US. But let's just say the books and videos make it appear easy. I believe he will get through this phase .it is a stress, but a common /shared one.

I am a better father than I would have been if I wasn't in my situation. Another positive. I have shortcomings I am working on.

For the moment our boys are IMO best served by having both of us home.

The topic is a lot deeper than this, but that is a good summary.

[HaWho]

Roist - I too like the list and your positivity.

Regarding your kids and the home environment, though not optimal (I know), there's also a lot of good stuff there.

Thanks for posting.

[Gordie]

Thanhs for the insight. You sound like you are doing great but also realistic about he situation. It is good your w is doing well in her mothering and that she sees you as an US for that. I understand kids being a handful as I have and am going through those periods myself. Try 2.5x as many kids--never a dull moment!

[roist]

Ha who. Thanks for your support. Yes things could be a lot worse.

Gordie. Maybe the toll of having 5 kids contributed to your W's mlc. That is a lot of cooking, cleaning and issues to handle. I am sure the elder kids help but still they create work and issues too.