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A Message from Michele
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Here again part 9 #2748678
06/27/17 01:27 PM
06/27/17 01:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2747919&page=11

Hope I did that right this time Cadet

H text me earlier - probably not gonna be able to come tonight I have to help one of the big bosses load a big moving truck.

Me: okay, no problem.

He sent me a picture of the view of the apartment he was at and told me to show the boys. I just replied I'll show them.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing how I'm suppposed to respond. It's hard to go dark when he texts me ...I haven't initiated a text since he left 2 weeks ago.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/17 11:31 PM. Reason: next time leave out the [url]

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748724
06/27/17 11:04 PM
06/27/17 11:04 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
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cadence Offline
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Hey T0,

From your last thread:

Quote:
I'm just fighting with accepting it's over and there's no hope.


Then you're not DBing. There's always hope.

Instead, focus on accepting what is and letting go of the M that was.

Quote:
I'm comparing this to last time and it seems more hopeless to me. That's why I'm spiraling today. The reality of my new life.


The reality of your new life might feel shocking and take some getting used to. That's okay.

But you're spiraling because you're trying to predict and feel a sense of control over what is going to happen. That's why you keep posting about what H's actions mean (even in the meta form when you're saying it's the second time.)

T0, you can't control this. You can DB perfectly and have it not work out. You can not DB and have it work out. But what DB does is get you back and happy with yourself and your life, and clear the path back home.

It's not a guarantee because there's another person involved. Them's the breaks.

Quote:
I don't act like this in front of H....This place really is my outlet.


I believe you. But what I'd like to see is a shift from worrying about what H is or isn't doing and what it all means to you thinking about you and what does and doesn't make you happy.

I've posted previously that means working to break your habits.

I also suggested posting on someone else's thread and giving advice. You're quite a prolific poster, but it's only about your situation. Giving back to the community will help others and it will help YOU, by getting you out of your head and helping you see the bigger picture.

Any idea that you shouldn't give advise is nonsense. You're a smart woman, and it's a great deal easier to apply DB to someone else's life without the emotional attachments.

Quote:
I jut want someone to tell me what to do how to interact and how to let go.


You're doing it. And, as I said above, if you start applying DB to others situations, it will help you be in the right frame of mind to handle the day to day with H without doubt.

Quote:
I know that's all unrealistic by the way. But that's where my mind is. I want everyone to tell me what move I should make and when to make it.


I'm glad you recognize it's unrealistic.

T0, you are strong. You have three children and you're getting a degree that taxes your mind, heart, and soul. You can do this. You can get yourself to a point where you are detached and focusing on yourself and your life, and you know you'll be okay with or without H. I hope you can get yourself to a place where you imagine that maybe your future is with someone else who isn't so keen on letting you go. Maybe that will be H. And he's not going to know the value of what he's let go of until she realizes it about herself and begins acting accordingly.

Quote:
I'm so afraid to do more damage.


Again, when in doubt, do nothing. With H, be calm and pleasant, but don't do anything resembling pursuit. Shut down any attempts at R talks, as they are just him trying to make himself feel better and secure you as a plan B. It's not the time to talk about R.

You seem pretty good at the outward stuff. I think why you're struggling is the disconnect between the outward and inward.

Even if H comes back, it doesn't solve your problems, T0. He's not the answer. You are. Your anxiety, your feeling of being worthless without him, your fear to be on your own... those are things that are holding you back in life. My impression of you - and this could just be because it's early on - is that you feel you NEED H. You don't just WANT him. You need him. And that's going to stifle any relationship if you don't work on what is the background cause of you feeling that insecurity about your worth.

I would love it if H turned around and turned into the man you needed him to be. And, yes, it is possible the second time, too. However, it's clear that he has something going on inside of him that causes him to leave. He surely is dissatisfied with some things, and those are valid, but there is more happening with him that he doesn't see. Given this, I don't think this will turn around quickly, and I think you should be wary if it does. H has to feel grief of his own and do some soul searching to ever make true changes, and that won't happen until limerance with OWs are over, and he feels he may have lost you.

Feeling like he lost you cannot come from you being angry and rejecting. It comes from you moving on with your life and being confident in your own skin. Think of how focused H is on his needs and his happiness; what would happen if you did the same? Good things, I think!

Re: Here again part 9 [Re: cadence] #2748758
06/28/17 01:52 AM
06/28/17 01:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 603
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woundedfool Offline
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I know I have been very absent, but I did promise to poke my head in on you. So forgive me if this has been stated in previous threads:

While I know it can be difficult with a baby....
And School....
And DB'ing....
And Life in general....

What are YOU doing for YOU (leisure/blowing off steam/healthy escape)?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: woundedfool] #2748797
06/28/17 03:28 AM
06/28/17 03:28 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline OP
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I know I'll be okay but it's not the life I want. And yes I know we don't always get what we want...

I don't need H to survive but I want him in my life. I want the man he's capable of being. Not this version. Yes I have a lot of wants.

I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to do this with a newborn.

I read through all of trains threads last night. Her feelings are exactly how I feel. I felt like she was writing speaking for me. Because those are all the exact same emotions I am feeling.

Wounded - the answer is pretty much nothing. I'm doing things with the kids. I did go out Saturday night but that's it. I started the gym last week but stopped due to some breastfeeding issues. Right now I don't want to do a damn thing to be honest. I take the boys to do things on my days off but that's about it.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748821
06/28/17 05:10 AM
06/28/17 05:10 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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I'm glad you read through my threads. Because they should serve as a reminder to you that, yes, your H *can* come back a second time. And, yes, he *can* change.

But I think perhaps the most important takeaway is how I finally got so fed up that I was willing to drop it all and walk away. (Notice I didn't say I was *ready* to, but I was willing.) I had finally confronted my biggest fear: putting my kids in school, getting a job (or two) and moving. I no longer resisted that; I finally accepted it. That's the long way of saying I dropped the rope.

And that's when things ABRUPTLY changed. And they're still different - and so much better. And I know in my heart of hearts that if H would have never come around, or - God forbid - if he ever walks out again, I will be okay. Because I'm the cake. He's the frosting.

You're going to be okay, too. No, it's not the life you want. But that which we resist persists. Stop fighting against what is happening in reality. Just let go, T. Once you let go, you can start working on the next part of your life, whether that ends up being with H or not.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: Train] #2748825
06/28/17 05:40 AM
06/28/17 05:40 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
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T384 Offline OP
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So what does that look like?

Asking H for a schedule? Retaining a L? How do I move forward?


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748827
06/28/17 05:42 AM
06/28/17 05:42 AM
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Train Offline
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Okay, let's spend some time breaking this down.

How could H having a visitation schedule with the kids help you?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748828
06/28/17 05:45 AM
06/28/17 05:45 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote:
I just want someone to tell me what to do to give me a fighting chance.

I jut want someone to tell me what to do how to interact and how to let go.

I jut want someone to tell me what to do how to interact and how to let go.


You continue saying how you want to be told what to do. You have been told! You may not have been told what you wanted to hear, or maybe you didn't see immediate results........but you have been told.

Quote:
I wish I could stop these thoughts but I just keep feeling like it's me or what should I have done differently... like I failed. I failed our boys. What reason do I have for this being over besides he just isn't happy.


Words from a former WW may not be welcomed, but I going to say it anyway. Stop this victim mentality! Stop being the poor, pathetic woman who has been left with three kids. You've got to find some spunk and pick your lower lip off the dang floor. If you continue repeating this same old stuff about yourself......then you'll start believing it......and then fulfill the role. If it would work, I'd give you a little Cher smack and tell you to "snap out of it". However, I don't think you will. In spite of everything people have said, you are determined to stay in this pity party.

I get the impression you have stopped listening. Yes, you read the posts, but I think you are at the point of subconsciously rejecting advice. You are so consumed by what your H is doing, that you are shutting down and blocking your own ability to let go of the man who has caused this damage, not once but twice, ...........and TO, it is a choice to let go. That's how you do it. Nothing is stopping you, but yourself.

Maybe you should read Txhubby's new thread. Now I could tell people all day long to do what he did, and they wouldn't listen b/c I am a former WW. However, they sit up and take notice when a LBS comes forward saying his M was saved b/c he let go. It was his decision. That's where it starts.

We tell people all the time to do the action and the feelings will catch up. That's what I had to do in my case, so I know a little bit about the struggle. You were given some information about how to stop certain thought patterns, so please look back at that post and follow through with google.

I know you have a lot on your plate. It is becoming too much, b/c of your state of mind. I find it hard to believe this gal we see today......is the real you. Please stop pouring all your thoughts and energy into getting him back, and taking the blame for him..... and start saving yourself. You don't know how to let go?? Seriously, you don't know, or you just don't want to let go? What would tell your best friend if she was in the same boat? It has to start with you making the decision that you've had enough of living this cr@ppy life and you aren't going to do it anymore. Instead of making everything about him, and what step to make next, and how to get him back and save the M..............just stop all of it. Start living like you want to live, and let the chips fall however they fall.

Find a good IC, MD, or whatever it takes to help get you out of this mental ditch you continue to digg. I don't mean in order to save the M. I mean in order to save you. It's concerning to see what this is doing to you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748836
06/28/17 06:24 AM
06/28/17 06:24 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Sunny Florida
T
T384 Offline OP
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T384  Offline OP
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The schedule would allow me to have a set time to plan on him watching the kids if I have things I need to do. It would allow some predictablity for the boys vs him coming by whenever it works for him. HOWEVER I don't see me asking for a s schedule being a positive in H eyes. He will see it as me trying to control the situation. He said in C the woman I used to be was laid back and went with the flow and that since school started I'm not that person.

I guess the schedule would be more about H and the kids THEN me. I see it more as holding him accountable so probably not the right idea right now. I guess I can continue on with my life making plans and if he decides to come around so be it?

I struggle with what I'm supposed to do as far as contact. When he was texting last week asking about my day and thanking me I never responded. I guess maybe I should respond to those things?

Also for example the baby had a dr appointment today. I told him about it. Do I text him about how it went or leave it be? I wouldn't be using this as an opportunity to talk to talk to him other then just informing him about the baby. So again these are the things I don't know that I should be doing or not.



Thank you Sandi

I don't want to be this person. Who I have been is not an attractive person. I know that.

I know I'm supposed to let go. I just don't know exactly what that looks like like I've said many times. I think I come off as a bitch instead of light and breezy.

That's what I'm referring to when I say what I'm suppsss to do.

I want to feel better. I want to be happy. I'm just angry and hurt. I'm trying to work through all these emotions. I read the detachment thread again and the livestrong as well. I'm going to figure this out.

Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/17 12:34 AM. Reason: Combine posts

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Re: Here again part 9 [Re: T384] #2748838
06/28/17 06:33 AM
06/28/17 06:33 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
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Train Offline
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FORGET the "light and breezy" stuff for now. Why? Because that's still putting your focus on saving your M.

Just stop and BREATHE, T. No more worrying about what you are "supposed" to do. When you ask that, you're asking us to tell you how to help you save your M. Don't even try to save your M right now. Save yourself.

What does THAT look like, T?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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